“The Devil Wears Tartan” by Karen Ranney

Because Davina lifted her skirts and lost her cherry

To the Devil of Ambrose she had to marry

Though she knew him not before their wedding day

She had “no choice”, “no hope” for societal redemption; no way!

“What man would agree to marry before we meet dear Aunt?

For a relationship built on love and trust is what I want!”

Davina’s cries went unheard and to Scotland she went to meet her fate

And saw him standing by the altar, her eyes widened when she noted her future mate

Apparently so good looking, she thought she must still be dreaming

“Why, what a good looking recluse” she thought, inwardly beaming.

Little did she know, Marshall is known as “the Devil” for a reason

And it is not because he goes through women like the changing seasons.

For apparently Marshall is plagued by demons when he sleeps

Ghosts and monsters around him creep

He dreams of blood gushing through the wall

And in the dark of night with a window pane he would brawl

None though of his nightly screams, howls, cuts he would remember

His reputation though as the Mad Earl would not fade into a dying ember

To gain a male heir thus he had his secretary dispatched to find a willing bride

And was most pleased upon seeing Davina’s hide

For beautiful she is, and pleasing to his eye

He ’twas fillled with lust and let out a gusty sigh

For torn between wanting to bed her and to protect her from his nightly haunts

Marshall was tormented but yet his naked body he did flaunt

Into Davina’s room to consumate the marriage

But sadly this did not lead to a baby and carriage

For Marshall promptly fled her room

And spent most nights in solitude

Feeling lonely and missing the salami

Davina one night snuck into Marshall’s room and almost ran crying to her mommy

Mattresses piled against each wall that came up to Marshall’s height

Because at night Marshall’s demons would fight

Until he screamed and cried and felt like he would soon die

And so to Davina he continued to lie

About the horrors that he had suffered in China where he was tortured and forced to choose

Which amongst his men would be sent to the hangman’s noose

In love with Marshall after just one session of nookie

Davina desperate tries to prove to Marshall that he isn’t one chocolate chip short of a cookie

“You’re not mad for sure

Just…confused and unloved; nothing a romp in the sheets can’t cure!”

And so around Marshall’s Egyptian House she would stalk

And tried to get him to kiss her when he wouldn’t talk

But Marshall ’s insistence that he was flawed

Finally sent Davina packing through the door

When Davina went away Marshall might as well have had himself fitted

Because soon after his devious, traitorous uncle had him committed

To an institution where he thought himself back in China, in his little smelly cell

But fear not because on Davina he had cast a little “love spell”

For soon as she had heard what had happened to her lover

She tried to spring him free with the help of his butler

An odious little warden did she meet who was most unwilling

For to set Marshall free would be to part with all the shillings

And so Davina began her nightly camp

Outside the institution’s walls did she tromp around like a hardworking tramp

Sending Marshall secret codes to let him know she was near

But really actually Davina had nothing to fear

For you see apparently Marshall had been drugged all along

His night visions a result of the wine he had been drinking for so long

Drugged by the headmistress of the household whom Marshall had once used to bed

And fancied herself in love with him, and with him she had wished to wed

To keep him by her side for all his days

She thus rendered him useless so he would from her not stray

“I always knew it was the wine! I knew it! I are genius!” cried Sheridan she

“Whatever Sheri” replied Mimi, not looking up from her collection of fossilised bees

“You suck Mimi!” Sheridan said not before slamming the door

And pondered what kind of hallucinatory drug caused Marshall’s mind to soar

For this drug apparently can be rid from one’s system in no less than 3 days

Amazing! Since apparently poor Marshall’s condition lasted for no less than two years did stay

In the end, everybody got their happy ending

But really dear reader, if I were you, on this book my money would not be spending

For I have told you everything you needed to know about this book and perhaps a little bit more

And truth be told this one, this book, was a little bore

So read it at your own peril! Don’t say I didn’t warn

Cos really with this one, the loss of my dollars I did mourn

“Secret Desires of a Gentleman” by Laura Lee Guhrke

Having waited ages for the third instalment in Laura Lee Guhrke’s “Girl-Bachelor” series, I was all excited to be getting my hands on it. “I am all excited to be getting my hands on it,” I remarked to Sheridan the other day.

“Uh huh,” replied Sheridan absently, looking down at her pile of Cindy Gerard books cleared from the shelf of our local bookstore that morning and doodling “Property of Black Ops Inc.” on her arm. “Let me know how it goes.”

Sadly for Lola, it didn’t. Go that is. I think LLG’s a great writer, but this book came up a little short for me. So first, the plot: Phillip Hawthorne, Marquess of Kayne and Maria Martingale have history together. Maria was the childhood playmate of Phillip and his younger brother Lawrence, and was also the daughter of their chef. Lawrence and Maria later tried to elope, but had their plans foiled by Phillip. Phillip paid Maria off and 10 years later, Maria’s a patissier looking to start up her own bakery. She finds a prime shop location, which also happens to be property owned by, you guessed it. Phillip. Phillip wants Maria to stay away from the soon-to-be-engaged Lawrence, and tries to make sure she doesn’t mess up his brother’s engagement.

What was my problem with the book? Simply put, Phillip. I’m all for a cold, reserved gentleman who is eventually thawed by love. But LLG did too good a job of making Phillip too cold and too reserved, and he stayed this way for most of the book. He was also really mean to Maria. Which I can totally handle, provided he makes up for it afterward by supersizing his McGrovel. (Which for the avoidance of doubt, I can safely say he didn’t. There was absolutely no McGrovel here. Not even an order of “Oh my God I can’t believe it’s not McGrovel.”) I get that this is a realistic depiction of the times, because there’s no way in hell a Marquess would be happy about falling for his chef’s daughter. But again, it’s a romance! So I expected it to be well, a little more romantic. You know, a couple of scenes of Phillip gnashing his teeth in jealous rage, heroically. Or realizing that without his love by his side, he might as well cut off his penis and post it to Alaska since he’ll never use it again, heroically.

Did I buy that Phillip had been in love with Maria since they were young? Not really. Sure, he kept a memento of her with him, but my weird-ass best friend also keeps her chicken pox scab in a little jewellery box and she sure as hell isn’t in love with it. (At least, I hope not.) Phillip and Maria were just too different and the opposites-attract thing doesn’t ring true here. Because Phillip really does think that Maria is inferior to him, as is displayed through a speech he gave a la Mr Darcy. And despite his public avowals to the contrary later on, this got brushed under the rug way too easily.

Sparks between Phillip and Maria didn’t even start to fly until well into the book. Phillip spent his time trying to get Maria evicted from his property, which I didn’t think was gentlemanly at all (as is also pointed out to him by his brother Lawrence). And when Phillip and Maria did consummate their relationship….. how shall I put this. There was the usual foreplay where Maria Discovered The Wonders of Carnal Love i.e *insert images of fireworks, blossoming flowers being pollinated by bees and waves crashing onto the sand etc here*. But when Phillip was dipping the old aristocratic pen into Maria’s inkwell, Maria was still coming off her previous high, and so didn’t, you know, get to experience another heavenly um.. moment… Oh forget it, I’ll just come out and say it! She didn’t climax when they actually had sex alright?! Only when there was foreplay. And since there wasn’t another sex scene in the novel, I will never know if Phillip managed to do it right. I’m guessing they must have been able to get this worked out, but it would have been nice to know that for sure you know! OK so sue me, I’m a perv. Romance 101: It’s got to be clear beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the hero and heroine have incredible sex together. Like when the neighbours come over and go, “I say old chap, please could you lower the audibility of your passionate screams, as you give your lady a good one for Mother England? Right-o, pip pip, jolly good, let’s go down to the pub and have a pint wot?” [Translation: Quit it already, you sound like a pair of mating cats!]

And I suppose the last scene, where Phillip publicly declares his love for Maria, is supposed to show how he has shed his reserved ways and willing to show much he loves her, even though she’s below him in station. It was quite nicely done, I must admit, in a little “aw” moment. But too little, too late. When did Phillip suddenly decide that what he felt for her was love and not “I just really want to go drilling for oil”? Especially since it wasn’t followed up with an epilogue or anything! I wonder if this is a common thing for LLG, because going back to read some of her older books, I realised that a number of them don’t have epilogues either. Which bugs me, because I thought the romance between Phillip and Maria was kind of rushed and wasn’t as fully resolved as I would have liked.

Again, LLG is a good writer. I particularly loved “Guilty Pleasures” and “Wicked Ways of a Duke.” And there are some scenes in “Secret Desires of a Gentleman” which are really sweet. But this soufflé fell a little flat for me, despite my high expectations. Let’s hope the next book in the “Girl-Bachelor” series is back to form. *Sigh* Someone needs to recommend a good historical romance to me, because it’s been a bit of a dry spell lately. Maybe Elizabeth Hoyt’s new book when it comes out.

“He Said Yes” by

“Hey Mimi, whatcha doing?” asked Sheridan, ambling along the edge of the pool where Mimi is lying in her hot pink rhinestone bikini upon a Budweiser float. “I’m trying to remember the dream I had last night. I am pretty sure it involved me entering a room with hanging body parts but I honestly can’t be sure” said Mimi, her face contorting into a frown. “Wow. So did not expect that answer” replied Sheri, backing away from the edge. “Anyway, Lola’s out getting us lunch and I just finished this new historical series and thought I’d share it with you because I know how much you like historical romances” continued Sheridan, eyeing Mimi warily as she twirls her locks around her index finger, still lost in thought.

“That’s true. Alright tell me the plot. Perhaps it’ll stimulate my memory and help me remember my dream” mused Mimi, attempting to sit upright on the float while holding on to her strawberry marg. “Well…um first up, you should know that there’s no murder mystery and - ” “But is there blood? Like lots of blood and gore and a serial killer on the loose?” interrupts Mimi, her eyes shining like diamonds and her face all aglow with excitement. “Sure Mi, sure” Sheridan responds, inconspiciously moving a deck chair between herself and Mimi. “Anyway,” continues Sheridan, “the story is incredibly sweet if a little slow at first. It’s a story of love at first sight between Marshall, the Marquis of Waltham and Evelynn Dennsworth, a shopgirl whom he meets while accompanying his sister to a fitting. Instantly attracted to Evelynn, Marshall is obsessed with her and how he may make her his mistress. Fate sorta intervenes shortly after, when Evelynn is accused of stealing some aristocrat’s brooch when the ugly item goes missing after Evelynn makes a passing obligatory comment on the same. Marshall immediately comes to Eve’s defense, and swears to her that he will rescue her from jail and help her prove her innocence.” Sheridan sighs gustily. “It was all very romantic. Very The Dashing Gentleman Saves The Day sorta vibe which was really nice.”

“So then does Evelynn get attacked in prison and have her limbs slashed off by the rabid prisoner with whom she shares her cell?” perked Mimi, signalling to Juan for a refill.

“Erm…no not really. Hey Juan, when does Lola get back? Huh. Fifteen minutes you say? Can you call her and ask her to hurry cos I’m really um..I’m starving. Yes. Starving. Call her. Now” ordered Sheridan, thinking that she really should have waited for Lola to discuss the book. “So…anyway. Marshall keeps his promise and bribes a judge to let Evelynn go and be put under his protective custody until the trial, and installs her in a lovely house which he rented for her in the meantime. Evelynn though overcome with gratitude towards Marshall, does not offer the use of her vajayjay in return for his immense generosity and as a result, readers get to see the full push/pull relationship between Evelynn and Marshall which though a bit slow paced, was very sweet, genuine and plausible. Marshall finally however gets his wish and beds Evelynn when the lady is overcome with emotion and just as he thought that he might declare his affections for her and take care of her as his mistress, Evelynn declares the little interlude a mistake she would not revisit and Marshall is heartbroken. So heartbroken, that he cries on his best friend’s shoulder and drinks himself into the ground. Though heartbroken, Marshall keeps his promise to Evelynn and finds himself unable to keep himself away from her and her impending trial and finds himself jealous of the young lawyer he had engaged to defend Eve”

“I’m confused Sheri. Where’s the dicing and slicing? Oh and while you were talking, I think I remember like dreaming I was in a cinema and the screen said “There Is Something Under Your Seat” and I reached under my seat and found a box with a severed arm in it! What do you think that means?” asked Mimi, clearly in need of psychiatric intervention.

“Huh. Well Mi, that’s really interesting and hey! I think I hear Juan calling. JUAAAAAAN!!! Oh hi, there you are. So did you call Lola? Huh. Stuck in traffic? Ok. I um…can you stay close to me I just need you to maybe just stand here. Like right here yes. No it’s ok I’m not intending to work on my tan today. Actually you know what Mi? I’m going to go cos I just remembered I left a cup of oil in the microwave” laughs Sheridan nervously.

“You can’t go! I want to know how the story ends, and also, you promised to help me with my dream!” Mimi wails in response, while paddling herself closer to the edge of the pool and towards Sheridan.

“Whoa there! You stay where…just…stay. Evelynn is found innocent of all charges and Marshall offers her a job as his stepmother’s companion and while in the countryside, Evelynn is overcome by her lust for Marshall (must be the fresh air) and strikes a deal with Marshall to be his lover for the duration of the summer. Though sad that Evelynn obviously doesn’t feel the same way about their relationship as he does, Marshall agrees because a) he’s a man; b) he therefore thinks with his penis; and c) is convinced that he and/or his penis will be able to convince her that being his mistress is a good plan. Marshall then begins this incredibly sweet courtship of Eve, arranging a midnight picnic on the beach for her, tromping through a raging storm to her cottage just to be with her, pulling her into his study and kissing her senseless etc, etc, etc. SIGH. Marshall was a nice change from the gun toting, bullets flying, bombs exploding, muscle bound men I’ve been reading lately. A nice change indeed.”

“So….” Mimi ventures, “no blood? no gore? You…wait you LIED TO ME??”

“Now now, “lied” is a very harsh word Mimi! I would never…ok wait, wait, don’t you want to hear about how Evelynn gets accused once again for stealing and then takes off without a word to Marshall her knight in shining snug breeches and then Marshall goes mad trying to find her for the next few months? Wait! No! Don’t come any closer! HEEELllLLLPPP!!!!….(*#$NJ,.sduwqiyllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll”

“Take No Prisoners” by Cindy Gerard

So the problem with Cindy Gerard’s latest book to her Black Ops Inc. series is that there is a deficit in the Romance department. I might even go so far as to say that there has been a serious deficit and that the book might need a bail out plan to be drawn up by the Congress of Romance (i.e. the RMB girls). The people (i.e. our readers who have read the book before I did and Lola because for her a life without Grovel is a life not worth living) have spoken that they wish for more Grovel and really, Romance publishing houses should heed our cry. Perhaps Romance publishing houses should really just hire each of Lola, Mimi and I to provide our wise input into each book pre-publication (i.e. send us your ARCs damnit!!).

The plot of “Take No Prisoners” goes something like this: Sam Lang is an all American secret agent james bond-ish cowboy who is part of a band of all American secret black ops gorgeous males who make the world a better place, but who unfortunately do not get any public recognition for each dangerous unsanctioned mission they undertake to make the world a better place. While on an undercover stakeout in Honduras in South America, he receives word from the baddie that he had better call home ASAP because “she’s dead”. Turns out, the bad guy, Fredrick Nader, had whacked Sam’s sister by way of an exploding car and the book starts with Sam quitting Black Ops Inc., giving up the chase on Nader and livin’ it up as a rancher to protect his family. His best buddy on the team Johnny however, refuses to let him throw himself into early retirement and so hands him a file on the latest lead they have on Nader, which leads us to Abbie, the poor schmuck caught in the middle of some seriously bad intelligence and an idiotic brother.

After a talk with his daddy about the meaning of vengeance and revenge, Sam accepts Johnny’s bait and sets out to woo Abbie, to find out how much she really knows about Nader and to uncover whether she’s as deep into Nader’s operations as her brother Cory is. Sadly for us, Sam takes Abbie on about three to four very platonic dates and Lord only knows I was about as frustrated as dear Abbie. Other than a few ineffectual lines here and there about how Sam really likes the straight-talking no nonsense Abbie (but for the fact that she could be some devious black widow diamond smuggler) and how Sam fills out those Wrangler jeans better than two hot cross buns in cling wrap packaging, I could hardly tell that there was any sexual chemistry between the two leads. Unlike Gabriel who can’t get Jenna out of his mind and vice versa, Sam keeps himself distant from Abbie until one night she turns the tables on him and asks him if he’s “ever going to kiss her” and he responds with a “I thought you’d never ask”. Really? Cos I thought you guys were going to break out the Boggle set and have Game Night or something. Anyway, one kiss leads to more passionate kissing and then it leads to mucho incredible sex (according to Abbie. I wouldn’t know since I was not there). While Abbie sleeps and snores, Sam is briefly tormented at his betrayal of Abbie and starts investigating her house to find out just how deep Abbie’s criminal involvement is. Unfortunately for Abbie, Sam discovers a stack of postcards and artifacts that her brother had sent from Honduras and immediately assumes that Abbie and her brother Cory are drug mules for Nader, and calls in the rest of the Black Ops team to do a sweep of the house. Abbie miraculously awakes from her post coital slumber (I think she senses the presence of many gorgeous Alpha Males in her house), puts on her silk kimono and throws on Sam’s dog tags (which nestle nicely in her amble bosom) for dramatic plot effect. Ambling outside to greet her lover with her sexy getup, Abbie is puzzled when she gets ordered repeatedly by Sam to get dressed and his cold demeanour. Probably because I’ve been somewhat starved throughout the book for any form of heart twinge or possessiveness from Sam in this book, I thought the whole scene when he refuses to let any member of his team catch her in her sexy kimono was kinda hot.

As Romance worthy scenes go, the only other noteworth scene was when Sam takes Abbie to the ”spa” (a natural waterfall/pool somewhere in Honduras) and washes her hair and services her needs. Dude. Why aren’t there more spas like that? “Get your hair washed by an Alpha Male and your gears oiled. Now! Special Promotion!” Oh to dream the impossible dream. Though painfully lacking in suitable grovelling by Sam in his accusations of Abbie (he basically just comes to the sudden realisation that she’s innocent while she’s walking out of the airport to meet the nightmare henchman from hell as bait and runs to stop her and kisses her tenderly to prove that he believes her. PFFFFT.), I didn’t think “Take No Prisoners” was any bad. Cindy Gerard does good with the thriller suspense and I found myself reading this book from cover to back in one sitting, eager to find out how what lies on the next page. And sad as I am that there were no grand gestures on the part of Sam (his failure to take a bullet for his lady love noted and found unacceptable), I will definately be picking up book 3 in this series (out December 2008!!) because Johnny sounds absolutely deliciously delightful. A big blonde cowboy with a penchant for handcuffs? Yeee-haw!!! Tie me up and hold me down Johnny!

[Side note: This author is aware that the title of this review has nothing to do with the contents of the review itself or the plot of the book to which this review is dedicated but this author is committed to doing everything humanly possible to get Daniel Craig's attention for she is convinced that she is meant to be his wife. So. Daniel, if you're reading this, I can work it like the rent is due honey. Call me!!!]

Well. I don’t quite know what to say about this one, or what possessed me to think picking it up would have been a brilliant idea. More likely than not I was probably suffering the after effects of another all night bender with the girls, or caught up in wanting to read another great paranormal series/book in light of the Halloween season. I realise that excuses however, only get one so far in life so I will fully admit, dear reader, that I am most probably insane and should be immediately institutionalised or put under conservatorship (it’s working so well for Britney!) because clearly I can no longer trust myself to make rational and safe choices for me and mine. People with white coats and butterfly nets! I am here! Come and take me away to a place where I may get my kumbaya on. Save me from myself!!

Before I pack my bags and go to a place of white padded walls and plastic utensils, I wish however to inform you of the plot of the book so that you may receive the proper warning/guidance that I never did (I suspect my sixth sense took a vacay and never came home cos usually I’m really good at these sort of things. For example, Lola goes “and this book, this book is about a man who has sex with fish! What do you th-” “NO LOLA! Enough with the trees and the seals and the fish and the flying coochie cleaners!!”. See? My keenly honed instincts have obviously gone missing!). Now the plot of “The Rogue Hunter” goes something like this: Samantha Willian and her two sisters (series?) are summer vacationing in some cottage in some tiny town and unbeknownst to them, are therefore neighbours to Garrett Mortimer and his two mates (definately series.) who happen to be rogue vampire hunters who have rented a summer cottage to hunt down a vampire who has been going round sucking the blood of mortals (apparently, a big no-no (unless in such dire situations like (a) the blood banks of the world have gone kaput; and/or (b) you are stranded on a desert island/the actual desert/an ice-cap/an asteroid and all you have around you are fat juicy human beings)). Putting aside the fact that I had great difficulty picturing anybody named “Mortimer” as a sexy beast (is it just me? because everytime his name is mentioned I’m picturing a Father Time lookalike complete with slippered feet, white cap and a white nightgown ensemble. VERY sexy), the plot then starts to get increasingly bizarre.

Okay so apparently in the paranormal world as created by Lynsay Sands, humans don’t know that vampires exist and vampires are able to read and control the minds of human beings easily, wiping their memories and making them cluck like chickens if so desired. Unless of course you (if you were a vampire) have met your lifemate because apparently, vampires cannot read and/or control the minds of the lifemates and become particularly susceptible to the mind-readings of their fellow vampires at this point. Okay, fine, I can deal and will be willing to go so far as to say that it sorta makes sense that a mind controlling vampire would not be able to control the mind of his/her life partner but what pray tell, is the purpose of having the said vamp become unable to shield his thoughts from his friends? “So we can read the sexy, dirty thoughts of the vampire of course!” you cry. Well, dear reader, I too thought that that would have been the reason but alas, I was instead treated to thoughts of how aghast Mortimer was that Sam was his lifemate, how surely it must be a trick of his mind because he had spent over 700 years thinking/fantasizing about his lifemate who would be the human form of Jessica Rabbit, as opposed to Olive Oyl. No really! These were his (most uncharitable) thoughts about the woman he will be spending the rest of eternity with. What’s worse, is that we are then treated to a whole slew of internal monologue by the heroine who thinks herself too flat, too thin, too whatever and therefore undeserving of Mortimer’s penis. Whatever. Cos by the time I read that Mortimer was apparently a dead ringer for that good looking British Soccer Player Who Used To Play For Manchester United But Now Is With The LA Galaxies, my eyes were exhausted from all that rolling around in my head. And this is before I read about how sex between lifemates is an incredibly experience with each touch magnified and felt; like if Sam touched Mortimer and he gained pleasure from it, she does too and therefore, lifemates and vampires alike tend to pass out from intense pleasure at each orgasm. Wow.

The other reason as to why Mortimer was convinced that Sam was not the love of his life was because while watching her through the windows of his home, he noticed that she was entirely too clumsy and unbalanced. Yes. Because every man wishes one day to join the bloody circus and perform in some sort of husband and wife two piece balancing act complete with knives. I don’t know. Cos if you haven’t guessed by now, I was thoroughly irritated reading this book. But hey you know what? It’s all good because apparently, Sam isn’t really clumsy in real life. No, no! She’s just having some sort of inner ear infection. Which magically, disappears the minute we find out about it. Seriously. The first quarter of the book we see Sam stumbling all over the place, dropping glasses etc., and then we find out she’s actually not well and then, magically, it all went away. Perhaps this is some kind of medical breakthrough. I don’t know. Curing by way of informing people about your situation. Did I mention that I was very irritated reading this book? Alright so where was I? Ok so thanks to the very noisy generator (which amazingly had more personality than all the characters in this book combined), the girls realise that there are three very good looking dudes next door and invite them over for a barbie. You see in this world, vampires are able to eat and drink like normal people and go out in the sun (though with regard the latter, that would result in them having to partake of more blood to keep their energy levels up); and vampires who have found their lifemates get some sort of jumpstart on their appetites and start eating again like starving 16 year old boys. The boys come over and somehow manage to convince the girls (through the wonders of mind control) that they are in a rockband. Though Lynsay Sands tries to stir up some sort of “possessive” / “jealousy” element with Mortimer hating on his friend for going into Sam’s mind and messing with it, it all sorta falls flat and I find myself more interested in the beer that the characters are drinking. Like really is it dark beer? Local? Or German? How would beer taste if I mixed it with a shot of whisky? How many pints would I have to drink to forget this book? You know, interesting questions like these.

Long story short, the girls start spending an increasing amount of time with the guys and Sam’s sisters try their darndest to matchmake Sam and Mortimer together, obviously seeing some sort of sexual spark between them that I’m totally not seeing because I do not possess the world’s most powerful microscope. Meanwhile, Sam gets a call from her boss to go check up on the daughter of one of the firm’s very important clients who has seemingly gone missing. Thinking that it could be the work of the rogue vampire and wanting to spend more time with Sam (Mortimer quickly realises that he does like spinach and shall soon contemplate the use of a pipe), Mortimer accompanies Sam on her trip. Upon arriving at the mansion of the missing girl, Mortimer and Sam immediately suspect foul play as they find the house unlocked, a barely eaten sandwich on the table and the radio on. Sadly for Sam, the Sheriff of the town and everybody else doesn’t seem to find anything odd with this situation, who are convinced instead that the runaway girl is probably some sort of spoilt brat who upped and left to the next party place. I guess what’s frustrating to me is that I really sided with Sam on this one - the girl must be in danger! No sane person would leave his/her house hungry. Plus, with the rogue vampire on the loose and the knowledge that vampires can control the minds of humans? I too was convinced that Sam’s client’s daughter was lying in a ditch somewhere, or turned into a vampire. Sadly, I was wrong. Because this book is actually a Mastercourse in “How To Create Misdirection And Instill Anger In The Hearts Of Your Readers”. Cos the missing girl flounces back in like nothing happened, at the exact moment when Sam and Mortimer try to get it on with each other on her kitchen floor. And the rogue vampire you ask? Think you’re reading a suspense thriller book? (since clearly the romance is non existent with this one) Wrong again! Really! There is no “rogue vampire”! Only a poor vampire soul whose own generator had conked out thereby leaving the said vamp unable to chill his blood or obtain more because somebody in the bloodbank is out to get him. *smacks palm of hand to forehead*  I knew there was a logical reason for everything!

Oh and please also note that should you be inclined to pick this one up at the bookstore, you will also be treated to many non-starter love scenes between Sam and Mortimer that feature leeches, bears and fainting. Sigh. Beam me up Scotty!

“Caressed by Ice” by Nalini Singh

A dual tribute to Nalini Singh’s third Breed book, and one of The Greatest Rap Songs of All Time: “Ice ice baby” by Vanilla Ice

Yo girls! Let’s kick it!

Ice ice baby, oh sexy ice ice baby

Rap verse 1

All right stop! Collaborate and listen

N. Singh is back with a new breed story that glistens

And it’s Judd who’s grabbed ahold of me tightly

With a body I want to caress daily and nightly

Will it ever stop yo I don’t know

Turn off the lights and I’ll show

That I can lay it down like the she-wolf Brenna

And have Judd’s ears bleeding faster than a bullet

Shatter that conditioning like a bomb that booms

I’ll have him singing my praises in the bedroom

Singing, both the chorus and then the melody

Judd baby you know I’m so good that what I do is a felony

Love me but don’t leave me you had better know

You may be able to teleport but I can run fast so!

If there was a problem yo I’ll soothe it

Check out our hook while DJ Lola revolves it

Chorus

Judd Judd baby

Is a Psy Psy baby

A deadly arrow arrow baby

Roll me in vanilla ice, ice, baby

Rap verse 2

Though to Clay’s arms I will be a-jumping

You’re my number 1 Psy who I’d love to be pumpin’

Quick to the point to the point no faking

But I’d still love to wrap you up in bacon

Because baby you’re a secret assassin with the quick and nimble

My scarlet letter is “J” , that’s my symbol

Don’t worry baby, I’ll set the tempo

I’m on a roll and you don’t need to go solo

Rollin’ in my 5.0

With the rag-top down so our hairs can blow

And you’ll crush any male who dares to say hi

And then we’d run them over and just drive by

For you I would leave my siblings at the next stop

We’d leave our differences behind and live it up like Jenny from the Next Block

Singlehood is dead

Yo so we can drive off into the sunset towards Saks Fifth Avenue

I’ll melt your ice wearing less than my bikini

Break your Psy conditioning faster than you can say Lamborghini

Won’t the girls be jealous when you declare me “Mine”

Especially when I tell you my flexibility upon ten is a nine

Who’s Brenna baby? That’s a wall

Yes alright she survived a psycho Psy killer so she’s got balls

And what you saw of her you’ll never tell

But baby I can bring you out of your shell

Without stalking you all over the place

Unlike a certain girl whose name starts with “B” whatsherface?

Bumper to bumper baby, my manwich schedule is packed

But for you I”ll find a space quickly before the jackers jack

Police on the scene you know what I mean

When I defend my alpha choices I’ll come clean

I’m a lover baby yo I”ll solve it

Check our my book while DJ Mimi revolves it

Chorus

Judd Judd baby

I want your Psy Psy baby

If I can’t have Clay Clay baby

Butyoustillcanrollmein vanilla ice, ice baby

Rap verse 3

Take heed, cos I’m a lyrical poet

Mimi’s just arrived on the scene just in case you didn’t know it

But she won’t hold you tight till night will you lay on the ground

While trying to reattach to a different Psy network…wait! What’s that sound?

Lola’s weeping like a chemical spill

While reading the parts where you finally let yourself feel

“Emotion” and “love”

To you a new concept

And then “jealousy” when B tried to move on

You wanted to kill the fool like a ninja

Squash his brain so fast other changelings say “damn!”

And so now you’re part of Team Hawk, oh Hawk what a man

I’ll keep my composure until his book is loose

Then run to the store like a determined goose

Is there a problem officer? Yo I’ll solve it

Check out this hook while my DJs revolves it

Chorus 3

Ice Ice baby, a secret

Psy spy spy baby (oh-oh), a killer

Psy Psy baby, a healer

Mind Psy baby, oh sexy ice

Yo Lola! Let’s get out of here

Word to your mother

Ice ice baby once cold

Ice ice baby, too cold? Not so

Ice ice baby, too cold? Not so

Ice ice baby

“Show No Mercy” by Cindy Gerard

Hello world, I am Sheridan Sakura Carlotta and I am here to tell you that I approve Gabriel Jones’s bid for Alphadom, and why you should too. As you know, we place great emphasis on the meaning of the word “Alpha” and do not give our endorsements easily. Though it is not yet proven that we will be able to hold true to our principles and not endorse a candidate who is unworthy of such an illustrious title because we have been earlier bribed by the promise of a) diamonds; b) all you can eat ice-cream; c) a lifetime’s supply of shoes; and/or d) all the ARCs we can get our hands on, we are confident that we would theoretically be able to give you, our readers, a fair, honest, and objective nomination for your deliberation and consideration. Today, we support Gabriel Jones, the star of Cindy Gerard’s new Black Ops series, “Show No Mercy” for he has all the basic fundamentals of an Alpha Male and here at RipMyBodice.com, we have helpfully compiled a basic checklist for your approval.

Sexy nickname? CHECK. Gabriel is known as the Archangel both down in the dangerous streets of Bueno Aires and in his special black ops team of extraordinarily good looking men with tortured pasts. Gabe earned that nickname after he was rumoured to be dead but then reappeared to kill his enemies; like a sexy, avenging hard bodied vision of fantastical bronzed goodness with a six-pack.

Dangerous Profession? CHECK. Once a member of one of those unlisted elite black ops branch of the United States government that seem to be everywhere nowadays, Gabriel and his crew have now gone private. Which basically means that Gabriel is loaded; thereby fulfilling another basic criteria of an Alpha Male. Because really, what self respecting Alpha Male would ever be a broke ass gypsy living in a cottage on the grounds of his brother-in-law?

Known to carry big things (if you know what I mean)? OH BABY I DO. SORRY, I MEAN, CHECK. As a dangerously hulking specimen of a male, Gabe is all muscles and hard sturdy plumbing. Sheridan would love to check out his pipes anytime of the day for fixing leaky faucets is just one of her many skils. (Not really interested in actual plumbing of any sort, Sheridan has painfully run out of plumbing metaphors at this point).

Do panties fly in his direction whenever he walks by? CHECK. Darkly attractive, and having the “darkly alluring aura of the devil” (don’t know what that means but Sheridan wouldn’t mind a second helping if you please), the only women not attracted to Gabriel must surely be either dead or blind. With “broad shoulders (that) had cast a long imposing shadow across the tarmac” at the airport, Sheridan thinks she has found the perfect man since Sheridan’s delicate skin must be protected from the sun’s harmful UV rays at all times. With Gabriel by her side, Sheridan is confident that he will be able to provide shade to not only her, but also to most of the small desert animals residing in the Sahara who wish for a moment’s respite from the sun.

A tortured past resulting in a present broody and intense personality and a shattered soul that will be saved by the love of the heroine? CHECK. Prior to meeting Jenna (aka The Woman Who Redeems Him By The Power Of Her Coochie), Gabriel was set to marry Angelina, a beautiful local girl who ran a free clinic with her equally beautiful mama. Upon hearing about some children that were being abused by Erich Adler, the story’s resident sadistic madman, Angelina broke her earlier promise to Gabriel to stay put and wait for him to return from his mission and stupidly tried to go and save the children all by herself. Seriously Angelina, if your Alpha Male tells you to stay put, you stay put! This is not one of those situations where you can hope that he ties you up in bed and spanks you for disobeying him because he said not to touch the last cookie and you did. Because of Angelina’s inability to keep her promise, she ended up being tied to a crucifix and tortured for days as Gabriel watched helpless while being tied spread eagle on a tree. Then, after witnessing the woman he loved being stabbed, shot and burnt, Gabriel was given a gun with a single bullet, and was forced to take her life. Tragically for Gabriel, the man whom he thought he had killed avenging Angelina was actually a body double who then spends the entire length of the book plotting the death of both him and Jenna (aka The Woman Who Redeems Him By Going Down On Him In The Shower (aka The Most Profound Experience Of His Life)). As most resolutions to stalking and dangerous scenarios go, Jenna volunteers to act as bait (much to the horror of Gabe who still refuses to let himself be loved or love anybody so it’s kinda sweet to see his reaction when Jenna (aka She Who Must Have Learnt A Trick Or Two As A CowGirl Back On The Farm) pitches the solution to Nathan (the boss and owner of the private firm, Nathan’s Black Operations, Inc and the man secretly in love with Angelina’s mother for the last two years and soon to be lead character in Cindy Gerard’s next book) and Nathan actually considers it. Unfortunately for Jenna (HA!) and Gabriel (I have mad skills too Gabe!), Erich manages to foil the team’s plans and Jenna ends up strapped to a crucifix and tortured, and Gabriel ends up taking a bullet for her. *sniffle*

Tender moments displayed by the potential Alpha candidate that would make the reader want to clasp the hero’s dark head to their bosom but since they cannot, end up clasping the book to their breasts and stroke the spine of the book longingly thereby resulting in very awkward conversations when discovered in said situation? CHECK. Though reputed for her fearlessness, reporter Jenna McMillan travels with a stuffed toy dog named Nugget which Gabriel manages to rescue for her (without her notice) when their safehouse was being attacked by Enrich’s henchman. So picture this: Gabriel’s in all kinds of intense pain (because his leg had been earlier hit by pieces of bomb shrapnel) and he’s shooting out the bad guys and rappelling to another building with Jenna and when they’ve finally been picked up from their nightmare warzone from the rest of the black ops team, reaches into the waistband of his pants and hands her Nugget, muttering something about her being “attached” to the dog. THEN MONTHS LATER, Gabriel somehow manages to track down Nugget and ties a ribbon to his collar to which a ringbox is attached. *Sheridan whimpers while stroking the cover to herself and crooning “Gabriel my love” over and over again*

Lastly, the jealousy test. Any hot moments where the hero is unsuccessful in containing/showing his rage at another man touching, speaking or looking at his woman? WHOA BABY CHECK! When Reed (the gorgeous blonde cowboy of the group) hugs Jenna close to push Gabe into admitting his feelings for Jenna, Gabriel’s reaction is pretty darn hot. Though nowhere near the possessiveness of the Nalini Singh boys, Gabe’s reaction nonetheless put a huge grin on Sheridan’s face. What can I say? I’m easy like that!

And so for the abovementioned reasons, I, Sheridan Sakura Carlotta,  submit Gabriel Jones for the position of Alpha and a possible candidate for the next RMB manwich party. Supporters of this motion say AYE!