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Postcards from the edge

Sheridan Sakura Carlotta — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 10:26:14 +0000

“Tempt Me, Taste Me, Touch Me” by Bella Andre

“Hey Lola, I just got this postcard in the mail from Sheri. Apparently she’s off to Napa for the weekend?” chirped Mimi while strolling into Lola’s office. “Oh yeah she sent me one too” replied Lola, surreptitiously reaching into her dustbin to retrieve Sheridan’s postcard. “Why would Sheri send us each a postcard to tell us where she’s gone to?” mused Mimi, ignoring Lola’s glare as she rested the heels of her Louboutins on the edge of Lola’s desk. At the sound of knocking, Lola and Mimi both turned toward the door, only to find Juan, also holding a postcard. “You too?” asked Lola. Nodding, Juan hands Lola his postcard as Mimi begins to read aloud the contents of hers:

“Dearest Mimi -

I have decided to take a spontaneous trip down to Napa Valley after reading Bella Andre’s book “Tempt Me, Taste Me, Touch Me.” Please do not worry - I assure you that my driving license has been restored. Or rather, I’m sure it will be any day now. The rental car people were sure sticky about that but I promised the manager in charge that he could have a copy of your boobies in exchange for the keys. Take care of that for me will ya? His name’s Big Jimmy and his name card’s attached. *Mimi rips the namecard into pieces* Anyway, wish me luck Mi! I’m off to find my very own rich & sexy wine-maker who has been emotionally scarred (and therefore deliciously celibate long enough for me to pounce on him and attack at his grapes) by his ex-wife. Like Carrie in “Tempt Me”, I fully intend to run around each vineyard (scantily dressed of course); acting as a trespasser, then jump onto the confrontational owner of said vineyard who’d be wearing a sexy cowboy hat on his head by wrapping my legs around his waist for I will then pretend that I thought I was being stalked by a mountain lion. Then said sexy vineyard owner will take me back to his cabin where he will make sweet sweet sexy love to me on the porch, in the bedroom, in the shower, in his wine making cave and..basically every where he possibly can. Oh we will have a grand old time! He’ll take me out to some fancy smancy dinner, buy me a beautiful dress and we will live happily ever after! Plus, I’ve always wanted to be married in Napa! How beautiful! And think of it this way. When I’m the wealthy heiress of a vineyard, we will never have to pay for our alcohol again! (I promise not to have sex with him in a wine vat) Anyway, I hope all is well back at RMB HQ. Love ya! XOXO - Sheridan (Soon to be Mrs Big Grapes (p.t.o. - ’tis a picture drawing of my soon to be hubby in his vineyard! Isn’t he handsome?!))”

*Mimi flips over the card* “Oh sweet baby Prada” breathed Mimi.

“I think I just might be emotionally scarred for life” muttered Mimi, signally Juan to run to the kitchen to get a lighter. “I’m also not quite sure why Sheridan’s dream vineyard owner looks like Charlie Brown. Well, Lola. What does yours say?”

“Mi if I told you I was frightened to read it would you believe me?” replied Lola, staring disdainfully at Sheridan’s postcard.

“JUST DO IT”.

With a grimace, Lola begins to read:

“Dear Lola,

I don’t know if Mimi has told you, but I am now in Napa Valley!! Ever since arriving I’ve been roaming around several vineyards hoping to catch sight of my very own Tyson (a.k.a my very own wine making baby daddy) but alas I have been chased off several properties by dogs instead of hot vineyard owners. There were some pretty close shaves there I have to say! Almost got bitten once or twice and had to pretend one of the Satyr brothers were after me in order for me to run as fast as I did. Whew! Anyway, the dream of the hot vineyard brother has died and I have decided to take a cue from “Taste Me” and search for my very own Jack Gerard, sexy Napa Valley chef with a love for girls with curves. I mean seriously, Bella Andre had me at “Gerard”. She didn’t have to seal the deal by having Jack love a girl with a little booty. And she certainly didn’t have to write in all those very steamy scenes in which Jack indulges in a little spanking and S&M. *fans self* Whoa mama! Therefore, Plan B is in effect: I have decided to make my rounds to different hot restaurants in the Napa Valley region and convincing the very sexy head chefs of each that I am some lucky winner of a cooking class with him. But instead of cooking, we’d be “cooking”. *nudge nudge, wink wink* I mean, can you imagine? When we next meet, I will be shacked up to my very own Volt brother! Wheee! Plus, I’m pretty sure he’d own his own vineyard as well (Jack Gerard did and after all, this is Napa Valley) wherein we will do naughty things amongst his vineyard (but not in the wine vat I promise) and then in his pool and then in his studio and on his couch and in his bedroom and …well. I don’t need to go into *that* much detail. A girl’s gotta keep some things private after all! Wish me luck! XOXO - Sheridan (a.k.a. Mrs Voltaggio Big Grapes). PS: Check out a picture of my soon to be hubby on the next page. Hott stuff eh?!”

*Taking in a fortifying breath, Lola flips the card over* “Oh GOD MIMI. There are no words.”

*Lola silently hands her postcard to Juan for incineration* “Okay Mi. I sense a trend here. Is there really a need to read postcard number 3?”

“Might as well get it over with” Mimi sighed resignedly. “Maybe if we looked at the picture first we’d feel slightly better?”

“How does that work Mimi? Explain this to me” demanded Lola, reaching for the postcard Sheridan had sent to Juan.

“It was just a suggestion. Like ripping off a band-aid you know?” replied Mimi, shrugging her slender shoulders and tossing her hair.

“Fine.” *Lola flips the card over*

“Yeah. That totally didn’t work” muttered Lola, reaching blindly for her tequila shot glass.

“My darling Juan,

I hope you have been doing your daily squats religiously to keep those buns nice and toasty for Mama Sheridan! *Sheridan blows a kiss* *In the direction of your hot buns* I’m not sure if Mimi & Lola have told you, but I’m in Napa Valley at the moment so don’t worry, and try not to miss me too much while I’m gone okay? You see, I’m on the hunt for a sexy painter tortured by the loss of his muse and unable therefore to find the right inspiration to paint…until ME. I find painters to be better than vineyard owners and chefs don’t you? I mean, first they set the dogs on me, then I get forcibly removed from the finest establishments in Nappa Valley. Pah. I don’t know why it’s so hard to find a good man. None of the girls in “Tempt Me, Taste Me, Touch Me” seem to have had any difficulty! And so. Like Vanessa in “Touch Me”, I shall shortly, put on a pair of tiny white jogging shorts (i.e. man briefs) and a white sports bra and go jogging along the streets of Napa Valley, keeping mainly away from any vineyards and restaurants (how DID they get a restraining order against me so quickly) and focusing my attentions to the art district. Hopefully they’re all lumped together on a very short street because man do these briefs ride up when you run. My sweaty half naked nipple bearing self will then stand, pressed up against the glass of each art gallery I stumble upon, hopefully catching the eye of some very sexy emotionally challenged painter with a very thick and long brush. All the better to paint me with! I can’t wait! I’ve been doing sit-ups (two in total! Go me!) in anticipation to lie naked amongst his vineyard while his brush strains to paint me. Paint me oh sexy painter! Paint me good! Paint me har- oh heh. Sorry. Lost my train of thought there munchkins! But my love, I must prepare you - if all goes to plan, you and I might never see each other again for I cannot leave the side of my loving painter and his brush. Especially his brush. It needs me. You understand don’t you my love? I’ll write more once I have a permanent address here in Napa. Once I do, I fully expect you and Sven to set up a Skype account with me so that I might keep track of the progress of your buns. No slacking! XOXO - Sheridan (aka. Mrs Big Brush & Grapes). PS: Don’t be jealous when you catch a glimpse of my (soon-to-be) painter hubby! (P.t.o.) You know I’ll always love you. “

“Juan, perhaps we should just start a mini bonfire on the roof garden eh?” questioned Mimi while taking a healthy swig from Lola’s tequila bottle. “Also, get Sheridan’s psychiatrist on the phone. I think he might need to work with local police to set up a perimeter around our office in case she comes back. Girl really shouldn’t stop taking her anti-psychotic drugs.”

Move over Benicio

La Lola — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 01:09:09 +0000

“Big Bad Wolf” by Christine Warren
Dear Sheridan,

I hope this letter finds you well.

Given that you have been away from RMB headquarters, I have been unable to discuss “Big Bad Wolf” with you. As you may imagine, this has left me distraught because I would like to share my feelings for Graham Winters with the world notwithstanding the failure of my repeated attempts to procure a recurring spot on Oprah. And so I have decided to pen you this missive instead.

I do agree that Christine Warren is a good writer. I suspect my starting with “She’s No Faeries Princess” may have been a wrong choice in being introduced to the books of Christine Warren and am glad that I decided to listen to your delicate urging and pick up “Big Bad Wolf.” Your particular brand of persuasion vis-a-vis holding my new Chanel boots out the window of the moving RMB mobile is indeed effective.

I do not blame Missy Roper for fantasizing and lusting after Graham Winters. Who would not lust after the alpha of the Silverback werewolf clan? Even if he were not the owner of his own supernatural nightclub and leader of the pack, the fact that he is a beautiful, beautiful man would seal the deal. How possessive he is, how feral! I particularly liked how once Graham decided that Missy was the one for him, he literally picked her up and kept her prisoner in his apartment for an entire dirty weekend. Where do I sign up? Although, don’t you think it was strange that Graham had been introduced to Missy previously and barely knew she was alive and then, WHOOP. He literally catches sight of her leather-clad ass one night and decides that she is his mate. The power of the ass is a dangerous one indeed. Clearly more time must be spent at the gym so that one day, my werewolf mate too will spy mine from across the room (with great difficulty naturally, since mine is a perky, small one) and recognize me for his own.

You may also be curious at the smell of sugar cookies which wafts from my letter to you. This is probably due to the fact that I have crushed the tray of sugar cookies which Juan baked for tea and rubbed them over myself. You see, to Graham, Missy smelled of sugar cookies. I realize now that my Narciso Rodriguez perfume is not the true scent of a werewolf mate and so I have decided to rectify this situation. Please forgive the crumbs you may find on this piece of paper. My new perfume has the tendency to crumble.

I do admit to slight trepidation at the mention of Graham’s sexual prowess and stamina though. You would definitely have to pay the UPS man for excess weight on the package in Graham’s pants. The numerous times when it is mentioned that Graham breaches Missy’s cervix gives me pause for thought. But your friend La Lola is made of sterner stuff and I shake off this irrational fear that would keep me from my beloved alpha werewolf. “What use is a cervix anyway?” I can practically hear you scoff. How right you are and it is little wonder we are friends!

Graham’s sense of smell is also alarmingly acute. This no doubt comes in handy for when he can scent whether Missy is fertile or pregnant but will this not be a trifle embarrassing if you are having your period for example? Much as I would like to be cuddled in the arms of my furry lover, I do not wish to have him suddenly turn to me and say “You may want to reach for the tampax baby.” This is a romance killer I tell you.

And although I loved Graham, I confess that one scene gave me a slight case of the heebie-jeebies. This was when Graham had to hunt down Missy through the woods as part of some kind of bizarre werewolf ritual. And upon catching your mate in said ritual, a werewolf then uses “mate” as a verb rather than a noun. My issues with this are two-fold:

1. For all of Graham’s machismo and spine-tingling confidence, he almost slipped up at the final hurdle. Understandably, Missy is concerned at the thought of being chased down like Bambi especially when if you are caught by a werewolf other than your mate, it gives him leave to do with you as he will. (This presumably does not include playing Sudoku on the forest floor.) But Graham is all “I’ll be there protecting you baby” and “Chillax” and “I’m Alpha Wolf.” And then Missy is running through the woods like Road Runner on crack, and nearly gets caught by 3 werewolves other than Graham! If it were me, I’d be screaming “WHERE THE 7**^(#*^* ARE YOU YOU SONOFA— ALPHA WOLF MY ASS!”

But that’s just me.

2. When Graham finally does catch Missy and dispenses with the competition, he lays her on the ground for some werewolf lovin’. See, this is the part in other werewolf romances where I expect the hero to do a convenient switch back to human form before plugging the love socket. But Graham does not! I stop. I read back for signs that he has transformed back. Maybe something along the lines of “And Graham’s body shimmered in a wave of sparkles as he transformed back into his homo sapien form and so escaped freaking the sh&t out of Lola.”

But no.

Instead, there are references to him being furry and primal. Dude, primal I can take. Furry, no. And werewolves when they transform, retain human male genitalia. I remember reading about it before the hunt started and going, “Hunh. Wonder why Christine Warren needs to make that fact known about the wind chimes.” And then I found out. It was because I had to read about Missy coupling with her semi-bestial Graham. Why. Why. Because I like to insert myself into the scene and envision myself held in the torrid embrace of whichever hero it is at the moment. So to imagine myself doing it with White Fang is distressing to say the least. And having seen The Wolf Man with Benicio, let me tell you that I do NOT want someone like that coming up behind me, much less coming up behind me and doing naughty things to my person.

I know Sheridan, the argument stands that doing it with a vampire is like necrophilia in that case, since vampires are technically dead. But my lover’s lack of a heartbeat does not directly factor into my consciousness while we are doing the deed. I imagine it would be somewhat different if I were to turn around and realize Scooby Doo was leering at me like I was some kind of X-rated Scooby snack.

Anyway, I shall talk to you when you get back from your whiskey run to the store!

Love, Lola

P.S. You have been gone for 20 minutes - are you buying an entire distillery?

I used to say, “I” and “me”/ Now it’s “us”, now it’s “we”

Sheridan Sakura Carlotta — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 11:55:30 +0000

“Wild For Him” by Janelle Denison

DATE: February 27, 2010

NOMINATION FORM FILLED IN BY: La Lola / Sheridan Sakura Carlotta / Ma’mselle Mimi

THIS BOOK IS A: Historical / Scottish Historical / Contemporary / Paranormal / Others (It’s a superfreak, superfreak)

STATUS: Hot under the collar

WHAT ARE YOU NOMINATING: That Janelle Denison’s book be entirely re-edited to feature Sheridan Sakura Carlotta as the lead heroine.

WHY: Ben is hot hot hot! (Duh)

IF YOU WERE AN ANIMAL WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU BE: Ben’s love-monkey

RMB Alpha Quick Facts:

NAME: Ben Cabrera

ALIAS: Sheridan’s husband

MEASUREMENTS: Such Alpha goodness cannot be measured by normal human ways and thus, I, Sheridan, further nominate my hands as an alternative means of measuring Ben Cabrera’s packing

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: Makes Sheridan want to do very dirty things to him

RMB ALPHA STAMP OF APPROVAL: *Sheridan howls* (That would be a ‘yes’ by the way)

Further Information on Potential Alpha Candidate:

DANGEROUS PROFESSION? Yes / No

A former US Marine who served in Iraq before starting up his own security firm, Ben is as intimate with danger as Sheridan would like to be with his boxer briefs.

Ben is tasked to protect Christine Delacroix, the only daughter of Nathan Delacroix who has since his election for Governor campaign kicked off, received threats to withdraw from the campaign or Christine gets hurt. And so, Ben is tasked to spend three weeks shadowing Christine and providing her 24/7 protection from the blackmailer, her crazy loser ex, a weirdo creep who can’t take no for an answer and a bitchy rival. Difficult to say whether situation is more or less dangerous than a tour of duty in Iraq.

ANY PANTY FLYING ACTION? HELL YEAH!!! / No / Not applicable

* Sheridan twirls her panties (clean, don’t worry) in the air like she just don’t care *

TORTURED PAST RESULTING IN PRESENT BROODY AND INTENSE PERSONALITY AND A SHATTERED SOUL THAT CAN ONLY BE SAVED BY THE POWER OF THE HEROINE’S COOCHIE? Yes / No

While serving his last term in Iraq, Ben’s fiancée Kim’s (who was also serving in the military with him) convoy is attacked by a suicide bomber. After jumping out of the burning vehicle, Kim was then brutually shot in the back before Ben managed to get to her and she died in his arms. It is also made known in the book that Ben’s mother was a self-serving social climbing b*tch who saw no shame in abandoning her ten year old with his dad without so much as a “fare thee well my son”.

Though indeed Ben is “saved” and made “whole again” by the wondrous healing powers of Christine’s all powerful vagina, this will all change when my petition to have this book rewritten (see above response to “What Are You Nominating”) is successful.

*!*! DOES THE HERO DISPLAY ANY POSSESSIVE JEALOUS BEHAVIOUR?: So-So / Yes / No / OH BABY! Mummy like

The more accurate question I think would be “when doesn’t Ben display any possessive jealous behaviour?” because Ben’s deliciously annoyed whenever any man goes within 10 miles of Christine. Of course, this just makes for great reading! Sadly Ben does not at any point, hit somebody, smash a wall or growl at any of the offending males, opting instead to brood in a corner. The closest thing Ben got to a jealous smackdown was when he and Craig engaged in a little word play outside Christine’s office. Really Ben, I’m not a big advocate of violence or anything but sometimes, cruel words are not enough! You want to make sure that man NEVER comes close to your woman again? You take out that big stick of yours and you beat him with it! (And no, I do not mean that stick because that would be way gross).

*!*! STEAMY SCENES? Even nuked oatmeal get more action than the characters / As steamy as my buns! (i.e. steamy enough) / Frozen magheritas required / Get Juan to purchase all the ice-cubes from every supermarket within a 5 mile radius of the office

Christine’s (feigned) innocence about the magic of sex has Ben playing patient school teacher in the art of foreplay and love making, leading to some smokin’ hot scenes involving a pair of Christian Louboutins, a chair, a shower, and pretty steamy oral sex. Clearly the way to a man’s heart is to pretend that all your former lovers were duds, watch a porn movie while your intended seducee watches you, and then artfully plan to seduce him while he is in his boxers and you are in a red silk robe, sheer knickers and sky high heels.

COMMENTS FROM ANOTHER MEMBER OF TEAM RIPMYBODICE - LA LOLA / SHERIDAN SAKURA CARLOTTA / MA’MSELLE MIMI / JUAN / SVEN:

My darling Sheridan,

My name is Sven, not Ben. It disturbs me greatly that you make me stand by your side holding and wearing only a water-gun and pretend to be your bodyguard. It also disturbs me that you make my brother Juan jump out from the closet to “attack” you and we are then forced to wrestle on the ground. I bring this to your attention because last year we all agreed to be more “open” and “honest” when things were troubling us. All I ask is that you let us wear our underwear the next time.

PS: I made meatballs for dinner!

Love and snoodlycuddles!

Sven

(*!*! indicates compulsory fields)

Our interview with Larissa Ione - with apologies to Larissa for publishing this so late! (Don’t hate us)

Sheridan Sakura Carlotta — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 02:51:30 +0000

“Hi Larissa!” chirped Sheridan. “Thanks for meeting me here”

“Oh my god you’re covered in blood! And that gash across your - we need to get you to a hospital! Why are you standing in a parking lot? How are you still standing?” cried Larissa Ione, once Sheridan came into view

“Oh no, this is just paint blood. It’s all special effects see? *Sheridan rubs off a little of fake blood pooling from the plaster wound gaping across her chest* I figure this will help.”

“Help how” responded Larissa, now probably wondering why she had agreed to meet the RMB girls in a deserted parking lot

“Help to get the demon boys to take off my clothes and touch me of course! See here’s the plan - you lead me to Underground General Hospital, and I act all injured and stuff, then Eidolon comes along and has to heal me right so I take off my clothes and jump him. Then Shade comes and I jump him too. Oh and let’s not forget Wraith. Well, he doesn’t need to be in the same room I guess I can just jump him in my mind *Sheridan taps her temple* and then Lore will wonder what all the action is and then he’ll come in and th -”

“Let me guess. You’ll jump him too?”

“YES!”

“I can’t lead you to Underground General Hospital Sheridan.”

“But.”

“No.”

Sheridan stares at Larissa, crestfallen. “I guess..well. Since we’re here. Do you mind answering a few questions?” *Sheridan whistles for Lola and Mimi to come out of hiding*

“I guess not” replied Larissa

RMB: So what other names, nicknames or aliases do you go by?

Larissa Ione / Sydney Croft

RMB: What books/series have you written?

Secrets Volumes 18 & 21, Snowbound, the Demonica Series and the ACRO series

RMB: Snowbound was great! Um..yeah the review’s on its way. We’re a little backlogged here apologies *blushes* So alright. What two Romance novels would you request to take with you in the event the RMB girls stage a hostile kidnapping in order to get you to reveal the secret location of Alpha demon goodies? *Sees Larissa take a step back* No! Hypothetically. In theory. You know? Yeah *Sheridan whispers into her radio watch “abort. ABORT Plan B. abort”*

Ooh tough one. And really just novels? I can’t take the entire series?

RMB: Nope sorry!

Hmph. Okay, fine. Need fat books, so I guess I’d have to go with Mackenzie’s Legacy by Linda Howard (which is cheating because it really contains two books)

RMB: We’ll let it slide just this once

And Lara Adrian’s Kiss of Midnight. Mmm…vampires

RMB: *echos* Mmm..vampires. We hear you! So which book of yours would you want to be made into a movie and who would you ask to play the hero and the heroine? By the by, we’re totally available!

You are SO generous to offer to play a heroine! But if, for some reason, you aren’t available, I’ll pick a, um, Hollywood actress. Guess I need to pick a book first, though yes? Okay how about Passion Unleased? Because I totally see the dude who plays Sawyer from Lost being Wraith. Inf act, isn’t his name Josh? You know, the name Serena calls Wraith? (What? It’s NOT a coincidence). Acress to play Serena? Okay, I lied about Hollywood actresses, because I can’t think of any…hmm…maybe Julie Benz (Darla from Angel)? Or Rachel Nichols?

RMB: Darla rocks! Great choice Larissa! Okay if you were an alcoholic drink, what drink would you be?

My husband says I’d be scotch on the rocks because I’m Scottish, refined and peaty. Um…okay, he’s an idiot .

RMB: Aww! We think he tried to pay you a compliment but it kinda failed. Sorta. Points for trying though right? Now, what super power do you wish you had?

Invisibility would be nice. Mainly because I’d make a great vigilante and that’s a lot easier if you’re invisible and can’t get caught.

RMB: A wise decision. We’d like to be invisible too! Only cos we’ve run out of money and stealing is a lot easier when no one can see you. Now, what research did you do in preparation for the Demonica series and can Sheridan *Sheridan waves* accompany you on your next “inspirational trip” to the UGH?

We’ll give Sheridan a special guest pass!

Sheridan: REALLY?! *perks up*

No.

RMB: Now that’s just cruel

Heh. Let’s see…research…welll, I was already an Emergency Medical Technician so I had a little medical background. Plus I’m fascinated by emergency medicine, so I’d already done a gob of research. So really, the medical aspect of the Demonica world was already in place. Then, I also loved the paranormal and again, my intense interest led me to know so much about the subject before I even started writing that research was easy. I did buy a few books about demons and religion, but for the most part, the research was already in place, in my head.

RMB: That’s pretty cool! Tell us, what were you doing before you came to this parking lot in the middle of nowhere

Drinking beer. Can’t you tell by my answers?

RMB: Respect sista! And what would you rather be doing?

Nothing. Mainly because I can drink beer while standing here answering your questions *Larissa retrieves a six pack from under her jacket*

RMB: We just fell in love with you a little more. True or false, the world’s aging population and healthcare problems would be solved by the existence of Seminus demons?

SO true! And even if they can’t solve the world’s medical issues…well, we’ll be so busy with their other, um, services, that we won’t notice right?

RMB: Tell us about it. Now if you could be the heroine in any one of your books, who would you be?

Kira from Unleashing The Storm. I’d LOVE to be able to talk to animals. And then there’s the fact that she gets to sleep with Ender…

RMB: Your shameless plug (i.e. what are you writing now?)

Well I’m getting ready to work on revisions for the fifth Demonica book (tentatively titled Sin Undone) and I’m also writing the sixth ACRO book (no title) with my Sydney Croft partner Stephanie Tyler. I’m really excited about both books, because they bring all story arcs together and create a nice climax. Pun? Heh. [RMB note - Due to our tardiness in posting this interview, Larissa Ione's current writing activities we suspect, do not reflect her answers. Once again we apologise for the delay. Drinks on us?]

RMB: Finally, how many bags of ice should Sheridan pre-order in preparation for Lore’s book? She’s got that baby down on her Kindle and she can’t wait to read it!

Many, many bags! Maybe just order a dump truck full!! Because remember, Lore can’t have sex without killing his partner (that’s gotta suck), so there’s a lot of…self-gratification. And when he gets a partner, there are chains. And then there’s lots of oral joy. Sheesh you ladies really bring out my naughty side. Normally I’m very sweet and innocent.

RMB: *Eyes widen and the girls whip out their Kindles to start downloading Larissa Ione’s new book “Ecstasy Unveiled”

Anyway, thanks so much for having me! And my beer. And my demons. Y’all are awesome. I’ll send day passes to UGH your way!

RMB: Really?

No. Got you again.

World Domination

La Lola — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:30:44 +0000

“Game For Seduction” by Bella Andre
On Wed, Feb 10, 2010 at 10:16 AM, La Lola wrote:
Oh my God, I am freezing! And you know Sheri, I think Sven may need more clothes than just his g-string and pom pom hat while he’s outside shoveling the snow because I distinctly heard rumblings of “Nein, these crazy vomen are turning my meatballs frozen!”

From: Sheridan Sakura Carlotta [mailto:sheridan@ripmybodice.com]
Sent: 10 February 2010 10:17 AM
To: La Lola
Subject: Re: SNOW BALLS
Yeah I thought I heard something like that but I assumed he was talking about dinner’s Meatballs in Meaty ManSauce for dinner. Oh well, I guess we could always buy him a pair of matching pair of gloves to go with his hat. That should help.

So have you finished reading about The Dominator? Lord have mercy. That is one sexy nickname!

On Wed, Feb 10, 2010 at 10:24 AM, La Lola wrote:
YES. I *hearts* Dominic. I think he is the solution to all the snow we’ve been getting recently. All he has to do is blast me with one look from his smoldering Sexy Delicious eyes and the snow is going to melt faster than a snowball in the dessert. He is the perfect football hero! Macho yet romantic. Masculine yet tender. And all kinds of nasty in the bedroom. He has my vote for MVP! To hell with the Superbowl. Dominic is my kryptonite.

From: Sheridan Sakura Carlotta [mailto:sheridan@ripmybodice.com]
Sent: 10 February 2010 10:30 AM
To: La Lola
Subject: Re: FW: SNOW BALLS
You know, I was watching the Superbowl the other day and wondering to myself why none of them looked like Dominic. But then again none of them were running across that pitch naked (the way I always envisage Dominic to be) so I guess perhaps that is why I can find no similarities. Man when he and Melissa (or shall we say, Sherissa) get together, whew! I’m getting all warm just thinking about the way the two of them were going at it. I would very much like to be dominated by The Dominator. Very very much.

On Wed, Feb 10, 2010 at 10:49 AM, La Lola wrote:
I really liked how protective Dominic was over Melissa. And for argument’s sake, I think it could equally be Lorissa, no? Because the scene where he went into the sports bar and saw her being salivated over by a bunch of superstar athletes (WHERE IS THIS GODDAMN BAR???) and he wanted to sling her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and get her away from their prying eyes had me fanning myself. It reminded me of the time I went to that sports bar dressed like an X-rated Gummy Bear (high on Gummy Beary juice) and too was carried out fireman-style. And then how he undressed her with his eyes and when he looked at her, it was as if his eyes were probing her. Probing her like hands. Like hands touching her. Like lusty hands touching her all over! OK. Maybe I stop now.

From: Sheridan Sakura Carlotta [mailto:sheridan@ripmybodice.com]
Sent: 10 February 2010 10:57 AM
To: La Lola
Subject: Re: FW: SNOW BALLS
I’ve turned off the heating. I’m sure Mimi won’t mind.

Wasn’t it the bouncer who carried you out of there in a fireman sling? Not sure if it counts.

I think we need to find this bar. With our cunning minds and Mimi’s stalker skills, I’m sure we will be able to locate it before another protective order is filed against us! We’ll just need to sit there and these men with brawny muscles needing to work off a sweat will come to us. I wonder what outfit to wear. Hmm. I shall start planning.

I loved how secretly Dominic longed for Sherissa (Sherissa has a nicer ring to it). To touch her. All over. But he cannot. But then he did! And whoa mama. I thought that scene in his tiny car was pretty darn hot. Actually I think this is my favourite Bella Andre book yet!

On Wed, Feb 10, 2010 at 11:07 AM, La Lola wrote:
I must say, Dominic and Lorissa (sounds awesome – says I) did get it going on in quite a lot of public places. Obviously Dominic has no problems with public exhibitionism. And why should he? It would be a crime against humanity if a body like Dominic’s was not shared with the world. Was that the time when the cop banged on the window of the car because it was rocking away like a cork on the ocean due to the energetic activity of Dominic and Lorissa?

Didn’t you think it was so cute how Dominic was mad jealous of Lorissa? Like when she was in a meeting with her other hotshot football client and Dominic stormed in because he couldn’t stand the thought of her in a darkened room with him? Squeee!

From: Sheridan Sakura Carlotta [mailto:sheridan@ripmybodice.com]
Sent: 10 February 2010 11:18 AM
To: La Lola
Subject: Re: FW: SNOW BALLS
Dominic and Sherissa (nope, awesomer) really did like being in the open. The club, the locker room, an abandoned building and Dominic’s tiny silver sports car. How they managed to do it like horny monkeys in that tiny little thing I will never know but for Dominic, I, Sherissa, will attempt to be more bendy. I suppose that would help in lots of ways - for example, I won’t need to keep calling Juan in to help pick stuff off the floor.

I loved how jealous Dominic was! Especially when Sherissa was dirty dancing (silly girl!) with the other hotshot football client in the club and he’s standing there like some sort of dark angry beast. Yowza! Plus, the man can cook! That’s always a thumbs up in my book.

On Wed, Feb 10, 2010 at 11:26 AM, La Lola wrote:
They were pretty bendy. Like Gumby and Pokey. Except, not a weird green man-creature and his fluorescent day-glo orange horse.

Yeah it was so dreamy how hung up Dominic was over Lorissa. But I thought Sherissa was a couple of French fries short of a happy meal when she just left Dominic in the middle of cooking dinner for her to go running off after other hotshot football client! Who could blame Dominic for charging after her?

From: Sheridan Sakura Carlotta [mailto:sheridan@ripmybodice.com]
Sent: 10 February 2010 11:59 AM
To: La Lola
Subject: Re: FW: SNOW BALLS
God. Do not remind me of Elizabeth Amber and her books. I’m still trying to figure out a way to hire a hypnotist to come in and clear my memory of ever having read her books except then I’d have to explain it to him. And somethings cannot be explained.

When I started reading the book, I really thought it was some sort of one-sided lovecrush between Dominic and Sherissa. So I was most pleased to find out, post photoshoot, that he felt the same way! And wanted to have his hands all over my..I mean her panties!

Btw, I love how we are saying “hotshot football client” cos we don’t remember his name. See, Bella Andre should have made him the star of his own book! Extend the series. I wouldn’t have minded reading more about him and how Sherissa’s best friend tamed the playboy in him. At least then I’d remember his name.

On Wed, Feb 10, 2010 at 12.07 PM, La Lola wrote:
It is only a matter of time before hotshot football client gets his own book. Because I totally could not see him together with Lorissa’s dorky best friend. If both of them were twigs rubbing up against each other, no spark would ignite!

I loved how Dominic was so mature and steady, and yet hawt and awesomely protective over Lorissa. He (almost) comes close enough to rival SEP’s football heroes at their best. Plus maybe his propensity for kinky outdoor sex racks him up a couple of notches! *shivers with delight* Alrighty, looks like the cold spell is over. The thought of Dominic is totally enough to melt me into a puddle of warm gooey fudge. Fudge he can lick off me!

<<Your message could not be delivered to one or more of the intended recipient(s)>>

Desert Rose

La Lola — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 13:33:53 +0000

“Desert Prince, Bride of Innocence” by Lynne Graham
OK this is maybe likely to get me into a whole lot of trouble and possibly result in some kind of fatwa being launched against Ripmybodice (note to self – remind Sheridan and Mimi to be on standby to activate Emergency Plan involving dressing up in black Armani Prive jumpsuits and camouflage print Jimmy Choo pumps, in case we need to make a quick getaway.) But has anybody realized that a lot of the Sheikh romance novels out there aren’t very, well, realistic?

Case in point – Desert Prince, Bride of Innocence by Lynne Graham. This isn’t a terrible book by all accounts and Lynne Graham is definitely one of the better Harlequin authors out there. Just that Lynne Graham’s book happens to have some of the elements present in a Sheikh romance and hence, makes a useful case study for Lola’s discussion topic of choice: Sheikh It Up : Arab Heroes in Romanceland – Complete fantasy?

1. The hero is usually of mixed blood – Again, I say usually. Not always. But most of the time, the hero’s mom is white. What’s wrong with doing a full-blooded Arab hero if that’s what the intention is? I guess what I’m trying to say is that if the author decides that she wants to feature an Arab sheikh as a hero, then go for it and make him a full-blooded one. It seems like a bit of a copout to me to have your hero be a Muslim one and then go “oh by the way, it’s ok because he’s half-white so really, he’s not that different from Joe America after all.” Case in point: Prince Jasim bin Hamid al Rais, Crown Prince to the kingdom of Quaram and the by-product of his kingly father’s second marriage to a Swiss woman. And then Jasim’s Swiss Miss Mother went all tarty and ran off, thus humiliating Jasim’s dad. Which leads to Jasim being sent off to military school when he was young so as to temper the wild Caucasian blood (it is implied). In turn resulting in Jasim developing both daddy AND mommy issues. And Jasim assuming that all women are bigger tarts than the strawberry one I had for dessert and the heroine Elinor Tempest (being a white woman) is the biggest tart of all. Hooboy.

2. “Please say Si Si, say you and your Spanish eyes will wait for me” - As a direct result of (1) above, Arab heroes are quite often described as looking Mediterranean/ Spanish/ French/Latin. With dark hair, dusky skin and golden eyes (seriously?? Who on earth has golden eyes? I think I did once, but that was right before I did lasik and had to have my pupils dilated by some kind of iodine-like eyedrops which meant that I stumbled all over the place like a toddler learning to walk.) Never having been to the Middle East I cannot say for certain that everyone there does not look Mediteranean. But I do have some Muslim friends and can I just say, never once have I mistaken them for Benicio del Toro. Prince Jasim is described as looking Spanish with the aforementioned golden eyes. Dude, that makes you a James Bond song. Not an actual person. It’s a really sad reality of our world that in airports, you get stopped going through security and touched in places you ain’t got no call being touched. So maybe it helps if Arab heroes look Latin and not like someone whose backpack gives you the heebie jeebies. But again, I say to romance authors. Write it proud, write it loud! If your hero is meant to be an Arab hero, what’s wrong with making him look like one? If you were writing a Regency novel romance, you wouldn’t make your Duke look like Jackie Chan right? (Chow Yun Fatt maybe. Jackie Chan, never.)

3. That’s me in the corner/ That’s me in the spotlight, I’m/ Losing my religion – Again, I do not profess to be some expert in Arab culture and stuff but doesn’t an Arab Sheikh have to be Muslim in order to be Sheikh? Kind of like how Queen E is the head of the Church of England and not a believer of the Tao of Pooh. Religion is either not dealt with at all in Sheikh romances or the hero is Christian. Isn’t that ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room? I don’t want to get into all the nitty gritty about political correctness in romance novels coz really, we all know we read them for the fantasy and tight booty of the heroes. Just saying.

So Heroine Elinor is the nanny to Jasim’s niece. And Jasim is told that Heroine Elinor has her gold-digging Caucasian sights set on Jasim’s married brother. And Jasim’s sister-in-law (who’s a couple sparks short of a fuse if you ask me) pleads with Jasim to seduce Elinor so that Elinor will stay away from her husband. Clearly Jasim fancies himself to literally be some kind of Arabian stud stallion because he impregnates Elinor over the course of one night of hoochy loving and bam! Instant wedding coming up. Except then Elinor realizes that Jasim was not bowled over by her titan hair and statuesque build like he claimed, so she is crushed. Apparently Elinor has issues with self-confidence being very tall (notwithstanding being very beautiful) so she feels like some redheaded female Yeti. Elinor runs away and gives birth to Sami, heir to the throne. Which is when Jasim comes back into her life and determines that she must accompany him to…

4. Quaram – Desert Kingdom. I am kind of envisioning the kingdom in Aladdin and hum happily to myself the theme to “Prince Ali,” genies and magic carpets and all. But alas, it appears that I am the misguided one here because according to Elinor, Quaram looks just like a Western country. Eh? Coz the Middle East, that has like, sand dunes right? Infrastructure and buildings and stuff sure. But you can’t be telling me that it looks like Denver. Again, if your hero is ruler of a desert country, then be content to have it remain a desert country. Nobody is expecting to see Wyoming transplanted into the middle of the desert ok. Unless we’re talking a Middle Eastern country like Dubai in which case, fine. But what’s wrong with keeping things a little exotic? I think you should either go all the way out and have your locale and hero be exotic and different, because that’s the point of having a Sheikh hero isn’t it? Unless editors are telling authors that books like that don’t sell and readers want to read about Sheikh heroes who are actually Donald the Plumber but transplanted into the desert.

5. You say to-mah-to, I say to-may-to: And Elinor in her new role as soon-to-be Queen of Quaram, is totally disturbed by what her evil conniving cousin-in-law tells her. I can’t remember her name so let’s just call her Obligatory Villainess. So Obligatory Villainous tells Elinor that as sheikh, Jasim is going to take more than one wife and plug an oil well other than Elinor’s. When Elinor angrily confronts Jasim, he tells her that she’s an idiot and has besmirched his honor because nobody in his family has taken a second wife in more than a century. To which Elinor is super humiliated and groveling in apology. But how was she supposed to know this? Did it come up in conversation? Did Jasim mention this in between the bouts of impregnation that were going on?

In the end of course, Jasim discovers that he’s wronged his wife and wants to make it up to her. But he crashes his plane in the desert while enroute back and Elinor is beside herself with worry. Then he apologizes for not believing her but before he needs to grovel, Elinor is so relieved to see him that she absolves him of the need to make it up to her. Nothing beats drawing attention away from your faults like an air crash I suppose. Anyway, I think I’m going to be staying away from Sheikh romances and their dry as sand plots for a while.

Careless whisper

Sheridan Sakura Carlotta — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 23:09:20 +0000

“The Darkest Whisper” by Gena Showalter

Dear Diary,

Today was the day that Lola finally lost it. I could see it coming for a while now and after reading Gena Showalter’s “The Darkest Whisper”, she finally snapped. For there I was, sipping on a little jug of mulled wine while flipping through the latest issue of Vogue when suddenly, I heard a loud “NOoOOOOOoOOoOooOOOOO!!!!!!” coming from the direction of Lola’s office. Ever the concerned citizen that I am, I paused mid flip, then reached for that extra blanket Juan had kindly left out for me. Truly, I thought nothing of the further ensuing commotions, bangs, yelps and mutterings; figuring that perhaps once again Lola had been bested by Mimi in a game of drunken Twister until - God. It’s so difficult to even say it but I must, for the first step to heal is to reveal. Diary, it was horrific! It was a crash! Then a bang! As my office door flew open and against the flattering lights of my office I saw - I saw Lola, decked out in paper mache feathered wings, aluminum foiled claws and powdered white skin!

And so, I reacted the only way I could react, the way a close friend and colleague would react. I laughed. And then, I rolled around my couch a little, still laughing all the while. But in a blink of an eye, she rushed forward, pinning me down against my goose downed pillows and snarled. “I am no longer Lola, La; a mere mortal. I am a Harpy!” .

“What’s a Harpy?” I asked, tentatively, unable to tear my eyes away from her pale white skin that seemed to be a mixture of flour batter and talcum powder.

“The creature that steals the heart of Sabin! God Sheridan, how can I expect you, a lowly human to understand this? Sabin! The Keeper of Doubt. Another one of the Lords of the Underworlds whom I wish to hold tight to my bosom. You know Sheridan, I think Gena Showalter is a cruel cruel woman to write the way she does about men who do not exist. Except they must! For to live in such a world is to live in pain. Pain! Oh Reyes. I love you.”

“I thought you loved Sabin”

“Yes yes him too” muttered Lola, narrowing her eyes at me while adding “don’t be trying to steal them Lords away from me Sheridan. My Harpy senses are able to easily detect your ploy.” At my blank look, Lola carried on thus - “Harpy! Harpy!!! (while flapping her “wings aggressively”, inciting a rather cool breeze to ruffle through the silken strands of my hair) You know, descendents of Lucifer? Normal looking women with luminously opal skin that men yearn to touch, lick and stare at? But when angry, a deadly, ruthless, eat-your-throat-before-you-blink killing machine? Oh Sheridan, must I teach you everything? SQUAWK!!”

Yes Diary, she squawked. Ratherly loudly might I add, since the ringing in my ears has not since disspated. Post squawk, Lola resumed pacing around my office, expositioning the plot of Gena Showalter’s latest Lords of the Underworld book. As I had mentioned earlier, it seems that “The Darkest Whisper” is the story of The Keeper of Doubt who has taken up the role of Leader of the Lords. I’m not sure when this happened because I don’t remember Sabin being quite as active in the other books. Perhaps in that man-castle of hot manliness in Budapest, one is the Leader until one finds love and then you’re just pussy whipped. Anyway so Sabin and the other Lords are on a quest to retrieve the remaining mystical artifacts that will lead them all to Pandora’s box and at the start of the book, are engaged in heated battle with the Hunters. Naturally, the Lords kick butt with their superior strength and gorgeous looks and they soon discover a secret Hunter experiment lab where Sabin locks eyes with Gwen, the Harpy in a glass cage. According to Lola, it was lust at first sight for them both - he drawn to her strawberry blonde hair and her to his rippling muscles and sexy butterfly tattoo on his hip (Diary at this juncture I note that it is possible that this might be sexier in real life and if the tattoo was on the right man). Immediately after releasing her from her year long prison, Gwen’s Harpy gets the better of her and she rips out the throat of her sick Hunter captor. And in case you were wondering Diary, in addition to narrating all of this, Lola also treated me to a little charades/ mime action. I feel so blessed. And maybe also a little bit frightened.

According to Lola, Sabin’s lady love is in fact a timid peace loving individual and as such, immediately freaks the hell out when she realised that her Harpy got the best of her, and that she now holds a bloody piece of flesh in her hand. Where a lesser man would probably run in the opposite direction, this serves only as foreplay to Sabin. He decides immediately that he wants to keep her, despite the fact that his demon Doubt has a track record of causing all of his lovers to fall either into a depressive state, or commit suicide. Very nice. But you see diary, Gwen is different for she is the heroine of this novel and she can therefore withstand Sabin’s demon. In the end, we find out that Sabin’s demon is frightened by Gwen’s angry, bitchy, stronger than Superman, faster than the speed of light, eat your heart out and dance around while drenched in your blood Harpy.

Gwen gets taken back to Sabin’s love-shack and soon the two of them make like wild horny sex deprived monkeys in the forest surrounding the castle. It was all kinda hot to be honest. Well, it sounded hot Diary, until Lola offered to recreate her favourite moments in the book with Juan. I am ashamed to admit it Diary, but I ran out of there so fast I left my suede booties behind! And when I finally snuck back, I discovered that that THIEF! LOLA, LA took them! I see her plan all along. Damn her cunning soul. But she has tempted me Diary and I will no doubt (hur hur (I am so witty)) be picking up a copy of Gena Showalter’s latest Lords of the Underworld book for she has not failed me yet. At this, I must go. For I must to the Pale Scary Lady’s abode go, and while I am out, pick up a new pair of shoes.

Until tomorrow,

Sheridan

Midget Love

La Lola — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 16:12:53 +0000

“My Unfair Lady” by Kathryne Kennedy
It’s such a disappointment when a book you’re looking forward to reading turns out to be a bigger clunker than a Toyata Prius. I had high expectations for “My Unfair Lady.” The impoverished Duke of Monchester despises the rich Americans who flock to London, seeking to buy their way into the ranks of the British peerage. So when railroad heiress Summer Wine Lee offers him a king’s ransom if he’ll teach her to become a proper lady, he’s prepared to rebuff her. But when he meets the petite beauty with the knife in her boot, it’s not her fortune he finds impossible to resist….

See? Promising right? I was expecting Eliza Doolittle but instead of stodgy Professor Higgins, you get a hawt Duke instead who will give our little ingenue more salacious lessons other than elocution. And lots of nookie. My Fair Lady – Version X. Bring it on bitches!

But then, the first sign of trouble appears on page 4. Which is when the duke passes a group of men and Summer Wine Lee (we’ll get to that ridiculous name later) realizes that he is not particularly tall. As a matter of fact, he is short. The travesty of it, I can hear you cry. A short hero? Nay! Because I can easily deal with a hero with 1 arm, the other having been lost in some courageous act as he tried to rescue a red-headed freckled urchin from a herd of stampeding rhinos. Or a hero who is temporarily blinded as a result of his defusing a bomb which would have wiped out the Hersheys factory, resulting in some semi-sweet dark chocolate landing in his eye, hence blinding him. But a hero with a Napoleanic stature? Say it ain’t so sweet baby Jesus! This is not helped when everybody and his dog is described as being taller than Byron (aka Diminutive Duke). Except Summer Wine. So basically what I’m reading about is a tale of midget love here people. Not that midgets aren’t entitled to love. Just that I don’t really want to read about it is all. And I know that height doesn’t matter when you’re both lying down. But how will you ever wear your 5 inch Louboutin leopard print pumps when your man’s the height of a fire hydrant?? THERE IS NO HAPPY ENDING.

And let me tell you what I was expecting. I was all set to read about a hero who was cold and icy and proper in every way. And then he meets this girl who’s the antithesis of everything he believes in. At first he can’t stand her and this is borne out in their fiery exchanges. But slowly, through small gestures, his affection for her and her badonkadonks starts to show through. This is the payoff and build-up which I expect!

What I do not anticipate is that at the end of the first chapter, Byron is totally digging Summer Wine Lee despite the fact that she sounds like a caricature from Bonanza and keeps a knife in her panties. And I’m supposed to believe that Summer Wine Lee is willing to transform herself into some society belle to win the affections of her fiance Monte and yet at the first sign of interest from Shorty McDuke, will trade the knife in her panties for another type of blade. What is the point of trying to learn to be a lady when she happily crawls into Byron’s bed and up the length of his body (world’s fastest crawl ever!) and takes something more interesting than marbles into her mouth. And after the culmination of their encounter, Summer’s best friend Maria strolls into the room and calmly carries on a conversation with Summer and the now-drained Duke still entangled on the bed. To which Summer insists that nothing happened “that will jeopardize (her) vow to Monte.” Oh sure. Because Summer just wandered into the room and accidentally fell onto a buck naked Byron and because her mouth opened in surprise, this resulted in an extremely compromising but completely innocent position.

I guess my problem is the one-dimensional nature of the characters. I’m told that Summer Wine Lee is a brave, passionate and spunky heroine who is a breath of fresh air amongst all the other English belles. And she’s managed to gain the favor of the Prince of Wales too. I’m told that Byron is the toast of the ton and is cynical and cutting and (despite being about the height of Verne Troyer) is also extremely popular amongst the ladies. I’m told all this but I don’t see it for myself. There’s really more of an impact if these things come through in little scenes and details.

Also, what is up with the names? I mean, Summer Wine Lee? What, Spring Vodka was taken? And the Duke of Monchester makes me think of Manchester being pronounced by someone with a Jamaican accent.

I do like how both Summer Wine and Monchester are animal-lovers. Although there is a touch too much realism in the book for my liking. For example, when Summer Wine and Monchester are at a shooting party and after all the birds are shot down and left to die slowly in a field whilst the rest of the guests go back indoors, Summer Wine and Monchester walk around wringing the necks of the dying birds. Um, ookay. Never seen that one before. And how Summer Wine helps Monchester’ illegitimate son with his injured cat by amputating the cat’s hind legs. Yeah. There’s an entire chapter describing that. This the kind of realism that I can do without in my romance novels, thanks much.

And also not forgetting the scene where Monchester and Summer are going at it on the bear fur rug in his castle and he pulls out fistfuls of bear rug due to his passion. The poor bear’s dead and stuffed by some taxidermist already for God’s sake. And now you’re pulling out his fur whilst in the middle of some torrid sex tryst? Is there no dignity after death?!

And in the end, Summer admits to herself that the reason why she wanted lessons in becoming a lady was because she killed a man in her youth and as a result, wanted to prove to herself that she too could be a lady notwithstanding the fact that she’d killed some dude. Um, yeah. I would have thought it would have been obvious that killing someone could be a major life-changing force but maybe I tend to overanalyze things.

Anyway, I don’t have a good way of ending this review, except to express relief that my experience of reading this novel has ended. Plus I hear Sheridan screaming in the other room about a “mutant cyborg lizard that refuses to die Goddammit despite being sprayed by a can of insect repellant and splashed by boiling water!” So I think I’d better go investigate.

So good! So good!

La Lola — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 09:30:39 +0000

“Game for Anything” by Bella Andre
Set to the music of the classic “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond (Or Mark Salling – aka The Hotness To Infinite Degree)

Where it began, I know exactly when – You
Took Julie’s V-card with your schlong
Now you’re quarterback, whoooo
But with an image bummer
As I’ll describe in this song

Damn, sportsman, reaching out
Touching me, let me touch you
Oh, sweet hunky Ty

Come!
Come!
Come!

Your bat’s big and hard like wood
Like wood!
Like wood!
Like wood!

With this, your first love Julie you did woo

You were from wrong side of the tracks, whooo
But now you have mucho money
You fill me up with only you, oh
But you want Jules
But her pride’s like a boulder
You’re better off without that fool

Oh, why, why waste charm, on Julie
Just touch me, let me smack you
Oh, sweet hunky Ty

Come!
Come!
Come!

You really give fun so good
So good!
So good!
So good!

But Julie’s appalled – by your behavior so lewd

Ohhh, sweet hunky Ty,
Your pants really fit so good
Pants fit!
So good!
So good!

I’ve been inclined to believe they never would!

Sweet hunky Ty!

Postscript: Gentle readers, we know questions have been swirling about our whereabouts for the past few months. While we have resisted TMZ’s numerous attempts to contact us for further details, we can tell you that it involved Tiger Woods, a shark, nunchucks and a glue gun. If we tell you anything else we’d have to kill you.

Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s just too much

Sheridan Sakura Carlotta — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 07:55:46 +0000

“Deep Kiss of Winter” by Gena Showalter & Kresley Cole

- Untouchable by Kresley Cole

O Lord, before I lay me down to sleep tonight

Please my one prayer answer, to set my soul a-flight

I’ve asked You for a lot over the years I know

But if you would take time out of your busy day you’ll see that I pray for this with every inch of my soul

For dear Lord, in my next life, I want to return not as a Victoria Secret’s model or as a queen bee

But as, sweet merciful Lord, a beautiful, petite yet deadly Valkyrie

For they seem to have all the luck with the yummiest men in the Lore

Take this recent example to wit, Daniela the Ice Virgin Snore

Yes, yes she may be pretty with a hot body to boot

But Lord aren’t I more interesting? I mean, look at me! I’m damn cute!

Oops, sorry Jesus I did not mean to swear

And perhaps with Daniela I should not compare

Please don’t chalk this as a black mark against my plea

I’ll be good from now on, I promise! You’ll see!

In order to sway You to my way of thinking

I thought it’d be helpful if I even promise to give up drinking

Yes Lord, I want a man from the Lore, I’m desperate it’s true

A werewolf, a demon, a vampire, any of them will do!

Make him like Murdoch, the vampire in this tale

A man who would not inspire me to take the veil

For this vampire Murdoch is glorious, scrumptious and my baby daddy to be

Oh how I wish that his claim of “Mine” referred only to little old me

He’d kill all those who dared me harm

Ripping off their heads and arms

Then over my wounded fire arrow punctured body he’ll crouch protectively

And then whisky me back to his place to undress me to my panty

In order to save my life he’d care not for his own wounds or his need to nourish himself with blood

So crazed about my well-being he’d be, tracing all over to get more ice for my tub

For as part Icere I am nourished by the cold

And Murdoch would do everything in his power to see that I am whole

Then after the freezer is stuffed with ice and the air-conditioning has been turned down low

He’ll keep vigil by my side, pacing slow

And as I slept in recovery

He’ll wash my hair, ensuring it blood free

Oh sweet Jesus, a man like Murdoch I must have in my next life!

I promise, I swear, I’ll be his most obedient wife!

‘TIs unfair Father, that little Danii gets all the fun

When a man’s touch burns her fair icy skin like the sun

And yet, she bloods Murdoch, making her his Bride

And she’s the one who on him gets to go for a ride

Bah! I say and Pah! as well

For to be in that shower stall with Murdoch, I would cheerily walk through hell

And for him to growl at every men ogling me

I would gladly do time in purgatory

Though Father I’m not so sure about his use of an icicle stick

That serves as a double for his impressive wick

Now if you think I’m being fussy

Please note I have also discussed this with Lola The RMB Hussy

Whispered I did while the lights went down during This Is It

That Murdoch had used an ice stick to Danii’s holy pit

She gasped in horror, her Michael Jackson hat askew

“You must put this in your review!”

Indeed I will Lord, but first I thought I’d pray

So You can take this my sole request into consideration this day

Oh wait! I see that Gena Showalter’s story is next

Heh perhaps I’ll get back to you after I finish that text

It is possible I may have a second prayer request to add

(or maybe third since the last to remove the shoulder pad fad)

Amen.