“A Heart Full of Miracles” by Stephanie Mittman
“Lola, Juan’s made quesadillas for lunch! Are you comin—Lola?” Sheridan poked her head round the day, looking concernedly at Lola. “Errr… Lola? Is there a reason why your eyes are swollen like cantaloupes?”
“I’ve just finished another heart-twingey book! I know you don’t like Westerns, but this was so wrenching!” Lola sobbed. “Do you think you could get me 2 chilled spoons for my eyes?”
“Cowgirl Up and Ride” by Lorelei James
Sheridan came tottering into the RMB office, arms laden with bags of Japanese take-out. “Lo, I’m back! It’s just us lunching in today, because Mimi muttered something about tracking down some Charles Manson memorabilia, so she’s AWOL for the next 2 days. So here’s your tonkatsu-don and…. Holy cow!” Sheridan stopped short at the sight of a cut-out cow wearing a diamond tiara. “Um, Lola? Why are there bales of hay and inflatable cactuses all over the place?”
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“Long Hard Ride” by Lorelei James
You are cordially invited to Ripmybodice’s annual summer fundraiser in aid of Ladies Who Love Louboutins But Lack Liquidity. To urge you to donate generously to this worthy and extremely self-serving cause, we have planned a spectacular and elegantly tasteful gala, entitled: Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.
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“A Lady of the West” by Linda Howard
“A Lady of the West” was written by Linda Howard in those days before she decided to saddle up and lead the charge of the “Why Would You Turn Your Back On Old Fashioned Romance and Write Romantic Suspense???” brigade. In it, Victoria Waverly decides to marry a skeazy old rancher old enough to be her father. Really Victoria, we get that you’ve got to feed your cousin and sister and the only thing for you to do is trade on your looks. But girl, run a background check first before you marry McLain, aka El Sleazo. Or ask ANYONE north of El Paso. They’d be able to tell you that your husband is actually a murderer and rapist who is marrying you for your youth and aristocratic lineage. Luckily for Victoria he can’t get it up because she reminds him too much of the hero’s mother, whom he had raped and then murdered. And since the hero cut off one of his balls after the rape, everytime McLain sees Victoria he has mental flashbacks to kissing goodbye to his ping pong and so shrinks to the size of a Mexican jumping bean.
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“Iron Cowboy” by Diana Palmer
A reimagining of “Iron Cowboy”
Sara Dobbs, the shy and retiring bookish wallflower looked up from her book at the chiming of the bell over the door. “Can I help you?” she asked.
“No! *insert bad word, mean sentence, hurtful phrase, dig at Sara here*” growled Jared Cameron, a CIA expert/ billionaire rancher/ Chuck Norris/ FBI agent/ Taleban agent/ghostbuster. Jared was no stranger to pain in his 30-something life, having served in 16 wars, 8 skirmishes, 97 tours of duty and a short lived stint on American Gladiators. And now, Jared has escaped to Joonieville, Texas, to flee the violence of his past. He still woke up in the middle of the night, trembling with emotion. Remembering the fear he felt as he was stuck in the giant metal ball, trying to roll away from Nitro, as Gemini swatted at him with giant q-tips. When would the memory of the foam arrows hitting his butt fade from his mind, he wondered.
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“Caine’s Reckoning” by Sarah McCarty
“So have you thought of what you’re going to say yet?” Sheridan asked sternly, her hands laden with Kenneth Jay Lane rings propped on her hips like a well-dressed teapot.
“Err…no. How is it you manage to lift your hands eh Sheri? Gosh, those rings must weigh a ton! Do you work out?” La Lola replied chirpily, kohl-lined eyes shifting about nervously.
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