“Shadow Dance” by Julie Garwood

Dear reader, I am confused. I have been confused about this book ever since I finished it a couple of days ago while lying by the fireplace sipping my mug of hot cocoa, and I am confused now, seated at my desk writing this review. I really liked this book and didn’t put it down once I started but yet I didn’t like it. I love Noah Clayborne (have secretly loved him since “Heartbreaker” and was quite eagerly anticipating his story), but I swear to the Almighty that there were times I wanted to organize a search party for his missing set of Alpha Male balls.

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“The Prize” by Julie Garwood

From the offices of ripmybodice.com…

>>> La Lola 29/08/2007 10:18AM >>>
Hey SSC, I’m taking a wee break from the Alphahood which is Shannon McKenna. (Must be careful not to overdose on testosterone). So I was thinking of going back and reading one of those oldie but goodies. Maybe something from Julie Garwood. What would you recommend?

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“Prince Charming” by Julie Garwood

(Int. La Lola’s office where “Goodbye” by Chicago is playing)

“Hi Lola! Wow depressing song much? Yeah but Chicago does rock all kinds of awesome. Just wanted to say I read your review on “An Independent Wife”. Hilarious as always! *sits on the couch* yeah so was thinking about a possible all-American novel because you know I love a challenge and also, I think the key to thinking anything through is not one, but TWO Long Island Ice Teas. So anyway, the only book that came to mind (strangely enough) was “Prince Charming” by Julie Garwood. Remember that book? The one with the gun and the rabbits and the old lady who died really early on in the book? No?? Come on remember how towards the end the heroine is like holding a damned shot gun and she shoots dead two rabbits that were eating her plants and the hero is all like “wow what a woman? I think I’m in love.” Yes. THAT book. It took animal cruelty on the part of the heroine to prove to the hero that she was worthy/tough enough to make it in America. Really if my eyes could roll any further back I would…oh wait. Hey! I see my brain!

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“Castles” by Julie Garwood

Amongst the three “pirate” book series written by Julie Garwood (the first two being “Guardian Angel” and “The Gift“), “Castles” is sadly the least memorable. And for all you out there who are not yet accustomed to our snark, that means it’s kinda boring. No really we can barely remember it other than it involved a) a princess; b) castles; c) some sort of sinister plot; d) some sort of “funny” bet between two old foggies; and e) the first ever male platform shoe read about in a Romance novel by Sheridan Sakura Carlotta. Oh and when we say “funny”, we don’t mean “hahahah! You’re so funny ohmygod I can’t breathe”, but more like “Oh hi Pappy Carlotta? How are you? You want to tell me a funny story? Sure! uhm…you did a what in your pants? And then you did what to it?! Oh. Heh. Hmm. That’s funny Pappy Carlotta. Real funn- NURSE!!” Yep. That kind of funny.

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“The Gift” by Julie Garwood

As the countdown to yummy Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean 3 has officially begun at our ripmybodice.com HQ (see La Lola’s review below), I have decided therefore to also review a pirate Romance novel, in tribute to Captain Jack and our mutual love for rum. I have decided to do this, dressed in me pirate gear (but alas me mateys, I had to leave out the eye patch as it was giving me a slight headache). While clomping down the corridors of ripmybodice.com with my fake wooden leg towards our in-house library of love (and thereby drawing dagger-like stares from Mimi who was at that point hacking into NASA or something (I clomped away very quickly lest she decide to set some of her pet killer bees on me)), I debated on which Romance pirate book I should share with you our dear ripmybodice.com readers. Staring at our pirates Romance section of the library, I decided it best to review the first book my fake hooked arm could reach. Dear readers and fellow lovers of the Romance genre I reach for you via my fake metal hooked arm, “The Gift” by Julie Garwood.

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“Guardian Angel” by Julie Garwood

INT.SHERIDAN SAKURA CARLOTTA’S OFFICE

(phone rings)

SHERIDAN: (chirpily) Ripmybodice.com HQ how can I help you? Oh hi La Lola! Yeah no I know. Yeah we totally have to get one of the men from 300 to work in our offices. Well yeah I know we should just get Gerard James Butler but honey he is mine and so therefore he cannot work for US. No I’m not delusional! I…I’m not drinking! It’s bloody 10am in the morning why would I be drinking?! *hides martini glass*

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“Rebellious Desire” by Julie Garwood”

Once, not too very long ago (actually I believe it was a mere couple of days ago), La Lola and I were at our neighborhood second hand book store, scouring the shelves for either a forgotten classic, or an undiscovered gem, to tide us through the weekend. As we scanned through the shelves of the aisle we like to call “the aisle of lurve” (actually, I think it could just be me), conscious always of the pale scary lady glaring at us from her fortress like counter, I was suddenly overcome with a memory of a particular book, where the heroine is somewhat banished from her comfortable home, and is sent to live in some ruined castle at the edge of her very wealthy and titled aristocractic husband’s estate, until she submits to her will. I told La Lola of this and we proceeded to spend many agonizing minutes trying to figure out what book that was (although I have to say, we did conduct a very specific and scientific process of elimination in order to arrive at the possible author for the book and then finally, the title) . I shall spare you, my dear readers, from a transcript of our rather confusing albeit rather entertaining conversation that let us to remember the title of the book ”Rebellious Desire”, written by Julie Garwood.

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“The Lion’s Lady” by Julie Garwood”

It has been an incredibly long week for Sheridan Sakura Carlotta and she would like to do a raniew, to let out some of her anger at having to deal with people (Sheridan Sakura Carlotta does not like people and does not like random people touching her or staring at her (especially ugly people)) in a more constructive and less destructive way (as opposed to picking a fight with large ugly men in a bar in her 4-inch golden shoes from Jimmy Choo and/or screaming violently at neighboring cars while driving and then running away. Please note that both scenarios involve some sort of escape on the part of Sheridan Sakura Carlotta and inevitably, La Lola who never fails to provide adequate decoy for Sheridan Sakura Carlotta’s escape (i.e. she takes off her shirt)).

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