“The Darkest Whisper” by Gena Showalter

Dear Diary,

Today was the day that Lola finally lost it. I could see it coming for a while now and after reading Gena Showalter’s “The Darkest Whisper”, she finally snapped. For there I was, sipping on a little jug of mulled wine while flipping through the latest issue of Vogue when suddenly, I heard a loud “NOoOOOOOoOOoOooOOOOO!!!!!!” coming from the direction of Lola’s office. Ever the concerned citizen that I am, I paused mid flip, then reached for that extra blanket Juan had kindly left out for me. Truly, I thought nothing of the further ensuing commotions, bangs, yelps and mutterings; figuring that perhaps once again Lola had been bested by Mimi in a game of drunken Twister until - God. It’s so difficult to even say it but I must, for the first step to heal is to reveal. Diary, it was horrific! It was a crash! Then a bang! As my office door flew open and against the flattering lights of my office I saw - I saw Lola, decked out in paper mache feathered wings, aluminum foiled claws and powdered white skin!

Read the rest of this entry »

“Heart of the Dragon” by Gena Showalter

(An RMB re-interpretation of “Gaston” from Walt Disney’s Beauty and The Beast (why yes, we don’t have anything else better to do, thanks for asking))

 Sheridan: Who does she think she is? That girl Grace has tangled with the wrong man! No one (but me) has claims to Darius!

La Lola: Heh Heh. Darn right.

Sheridan: He’s hot! So hot! But it’s Grace he loves! Why, it’s more than I can bear!

La Lola: More beer?

Sheridan: What for? Nothing helps. I’m depressed.

La Lola: Who you? Never! Sheridan you’ve got to pull yourself together. *Lola suddenly looks up, startled, as Sheridan has climbed up on her desk and is preparing to sing a love ballad to Darius*

Sheridan: *ahem* 

Read the rest of this entry »

“The Vampire’s Bride” by Gena Showalter
On an island somewhere in the South Pacific…

*AWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Oh oh eh ah oh eh ah…*

*Lola, Sheridan and Mimi are perched on little tree stumps surrounded by tiki torches. Lola inspects her chipped glittery manicure with dismay and Sheridan looks sympathetically at Mimi’s split ends.*

Jeff Probst: Ladies.
Read the rest of this entry »

“The Darkest Night” by Gena Showalter
Found: a hot pink organizer filled with scribbling and marked in diamante “Property of La Lola— Read this and prepare to sleep with a dagger under your pillow for your own protection.”

Task item no. 1: Track down Rob Pattinson and demand to know why he cut his hair. Try to track down his hairdresser and offer to buy aforementioned hair as belated Christmas gift to self (maybe Sheridan can have a few strands too— am nothing if not generous). Have explained to Mimi that this is not considered disturbing behaviour, because it is not as if hair is still on Robert’s head. Have omitted to mention that attempts to contact Robert’s agent with the offer to buy him for $128.79 (all that is left after my Christmas shopping) have proved fruitless. Must try again in the new year.
Read the rest of this entry »

“The Darkest Kiss” by Gena Showalter
An open letter to Lucien, Lord of the Underworld and Keeper of Death (aka Mr Sexxy Hawt Pants)

Dearest Lucien,

Can I call you Lucien? Better I should call you, “Mine.” For that is what you are, luscious, lickable Lucien. Just that you do not know it yet. Fear not. There is time to acquaint yourself to me. You may begin by nibbling my toes, and work your way up. Feel free to take a short rest near my middle. Tarry long there Lucien, tarry long.
Read the rest of this entry »

“The Darkest Pleasure” by Gena Showalter
“Hola Lola, did I mention to you the stuff Mimi’s been up to while you were away? First, there was her sitting me, Juan and Sven down and telling us that having thought over it long and hard, she’s decided that she will be able to bring herself to eat us should we all be stranded on a raft somewhere in the middle of the South Pacific. And if that wasn’t enough, she…” Sheridan stopped short, having gotten a good look at Lola’s office.
Read the rest of this entry »