“Tempt Me, Taste Me, Touch Me” by Bella Andre

“Hey Lola, I just got this postcard in the mail from Sheri. Apparently she’s off to Napa for the weekend?” chirped Mimi while strolling into Lola’s office. “Oh yeah she sent me one too” replied Lola, surreptitiously reaching into her dustbin to retrieve Sheridan’s postcard. “Why would Sheri send us each a postcard to tell us where she’s gone to?” mused Mimi, ignoring Lola’s glare as she rested the heels of her Louboutins on the edge of Lola’s desk. At the sound of knocking, Lola and Mimi both turned toward the door, only to find Juan, also holding a postcard. “You too?” asked Lola. Nodding, Juan hands Lola his postcard as Mimi begins to read aloud the contents of hers:

 

“Dearest Mimi -

 

I have decided to take a spontaneous trip down to Napa Valley after reading Bella Andre’s book “Tempt Me, Taste Me, Touch Me.” Please do not worry - I assure you that my driving license has been restored. Or rather, I’m sure it will be any day now. The rental car people were sure sticky about that but I promised the manager in charge that he could have a copy of your boobies in exchange for the keys. Take care of that for me will ya? His name’s Big Jimmy and his name card’s attached. *Mimi rips the namecard into pieces* Anyway, wish me luck Mi! I’m off to find my very own rich & sexy wine-maker who has been emotionally scarred (and therefore deliciously celibate long enough for me to pounce on him and attack at his grapes) by his ex-wife. Like Carrie in “Tempt Me”, I fully intend to run around each vineyard (scantily dressed of course); acting as a trespasser, then jump onto the confrontational owner of said vineyard who’d be wearing a sexy cowboy hat on his head by wrapping my legs around his waist for I will then pretend that I thought I was being stalked by a mountain lion. Then said sexy vineyard owner will take me back to his cabin where he will make sweet sweet sexy love to me on the porch, in the bedroom, in the shower, in his wine making cave and..basically every where he possibly can. Oh we will have a grand old time! He’ll take me out to some fancy smancy dinner, buy me a beautiful dress and we will live happily ever after! Plus, I’ve always wanted to be married in Napa! How beautiful! And think of it this way. When I’m the wealthy heiress of a vineyard, we will never have to pay for our alcohol again! (I promise not to have sex with him in a wine vat) Anyway, I hope all is well back at RMB HQ. Love ya! XOXO - Sheridan (Soon to be Mrs Big Grapes (p.t.o. - ’tis a picture drawing of my soon to be hubby in his vineyard! Isn’t he handsome?!))”

 

*Mimi flips over the card* “Oh sweet baby Prada” breathed Mimi.  

 

“I think I just might be emotionally scarred for life” muttered Mimi, signally Juan to run to the kitchen to get a lighter. “I’m also not quite sure why Sheridan’s dream vineyard owner looks like Charlie Brown. Well, Lola. What does yours say?”

 

“Mi if I told you I was frightened to read it would you believe me?” replied Lola, staring disdainfully at Sheridan’s postcard.

 

“JUST DO IT”. 

 

With a grimace, Lola begins to read:

 

“Dear Lola,

 

I don’t know if Mimi has told you, but I am now in Napa Valley!! Ever since arriving I’ve been roaming around several vineyards hoping to catch sight of my very own Tyson (a.k.a my very own wine making baby daddy) but alas I have been chased off several properties by dogs instead of hot vineyard owners. There were some pretty close shaves there I have to say! Almost got bitten once or twice and had to pretend one of the Satyr brothers were after me in order for me to run as fast as I did. Whew! Anyway, the dream of the hot vineyard brother has died and I have decided to take a cue from “Taste Me” and search for my very own Jack Gerard, sexy Napa Valley chef with a love for girls with curves. I mean seriously, Bella Andre had me at “Gerard”. She didn’t have to seal the deal by having Jack love a girl with a little booty. And she certainly didn’t have to write in all those very steamy scenes in which Jack indulges in a little spanking and S&M. *fans self* Whoa mama! Therefore, Plan B is in effect: I have decided to make my rounds to different hot restaurants in the Napa Valley region and convincing the very sexy head chefs of each that I am some lucky winner of a cooking class with him. But instead of cooking, we’d be “cooking”. *nudge nudge, wink wink* I mean, can you imagine? When we next meet, I will be shacked up to my very own Volt brother! Wheee! Plus, I’m pretty sure he’d own his own vineyard as well (Jack Gerard did and after all, this is Napa Valley) wherein we will do naughty things amongst his vineyard (but not in the wine vat I promise) and then in his pool and then in his studio and on his couch and in his bedroom and …well. I don’t need to go into *that* much detail. A girl’s gotta keep some things private after all! Wish me luck! XOXO - Sheridan (a.k.a. Mrs Voltaggio Big Grapes). PS: Check out a picture of my soon to be hubby on the next page. Hott stuff eh?!”

 

*Taking in a fortifying breath, Lola flips the card over* “Oh GOD MIMI. There are no words.”

 

*Lola silently hands her postcard to Juan for incineration* “Okay Mi. I sense a trend here. Is there really a need to read postcard number 3?”

 

“Might as well get it over with” Mimi sighed resignedly. “Maybe if we looked at the picture first we’d feel slightly better?”

 

“How does that work Mimi? Explain this to me” demanded Lola, reaching for the postcard Sheridan had sent to Juan.

 

“It was just a suggestion. Like ripping off a band-aid you know?” replied Mimi, shrugging her slender shoulders and tossing her hair.

 

“Fine.” *Lola flips the card over*

 

 

“Yeah. That totally didn’t work” muttered Lola, reaching blindly for her tequila shot glass.

 

“My darling Juan,

 

I hope you have been doing your daily squats religiously to keep those buns nice and toasty for Mama Sheridan! *Sheridan blows a kiss* *In the direction of your hot buns* I’m not sure if Mimi & Lola have told you, but I’m in Napa Valley at the moment so don’t worry, and try not to miss me too much while I’m gone okay? You see, I’m on the hunt for a sexy painter tortured by the loss of his muse and unable therefore to find the right inspiration to paint…until ME. I find painters to be better than vineyard owners and chefs don’t you? I mean, first they set the dogs on me, then I get forcibly removed from the finest establishments in Nappa Valley. Pah. I don’t know why it’s so hard to find a good man. None of the girls in “Tempt Me, Taste Me, Touch Me” seem to have had any difficulty! And so. Like Vanessa in “Touch Me”, I shall shortly, put on a pair of tiny white jogging shorts (i.e. man briefs) and a white sports bra and go jogging along the streets of Napa Valley, keeping mainly away from any vineyards and restaurants (how DID they get a restraining order against me so quickly) and focusing my attentions to the art district. Hopefully they’re all lumped together on a very short street because man do these briefs ride up when you run. My sweaty half naked nipple bearing self will then stand, pressed up against the glass of each art gallery I stumble upon, hopefully catching the eye of some very sexy emotionally challenged painter with a very thick and long brush. All the better to paint me with! I can’t wait! I’ve been doing sit-ups (two in total! Go me!) in anticipation to lie naked amongst his vineyard while his brush strains to paint me. Paint me oh sexy painter! Paint me good! Paint me har- oh heh. Sorry. Lost my train of thought there munchkins! But my love, I must prepare you - if all goes to plan, you and I might never see each other again for I cannot leave the side of my loving painter and his brush. Especially his brush. It needs me. You understand don’t you my love? I’ll write more once I have a permanent address here in Napa. Once I do, I fully expect you and Sven to set up a Skype account with me so that I might keep track of the progress of your buns. No slacking! XOXO - Sheridan (aka. Mrs Big Brush & Grapes). PS: Don’t be jealous when you catch a glimpse of my (soon-to-be) painter hubby! (P.t.o.) You know I’ll always love you. “

 

“Juan, perhaps we should just start a mini bonfire on the roof garden eh?” questioned Mimi while taking a healthy swig from Lola’s tequila bottle. “Also, get Sheridan’s psychiatrist  on the phone. I think he might need to work with local police to set up a perimeter around our office in case she comes back. Girl really shouldn’t stop taking her anti-psychotic drugs.”