Midget Love
“My Unfair Lady” by Kathryne Kennedy
It’s such a disappointment when a book you’re looking forward to reading turns out to be a bigger clunker than a Toyata Prius. I had high expectations for “My Unfair Lady.” The impoverished Duke of Monchester despises the rich Americans who flock to London, seeking to buy their way into the ranks of the British peerage. So when railroad heiress Summer Wine Lee offers him a king’s ransom if he’ll teach her to become a proper lady, he’s prepared to rebuff her. But when he meets the petite beauty with the knife in her boot, it’s not her fortune he finds impossible to resist….
See? Promising right? I was expecting Eliza Doolittle but instead of stodgy Professor Higgins, you get a hawt Duke instead who will give our little ingenue more salacious lessons other than elocution. And lots of nookie. My Fair Lady – Version X. Bring it on bitches!
But then, the first sign of trouble appears on page 4. Which is when the duke passes a group of men and Summer Wine Lee (we’ll get to that ridiculous name later) realizes that he is not particularly tall. As a matter of fact, he is short. The travesty of it, I can hear you cry. A short hero? Nay! Because I can easily deal with a hero with 1 arm, the other having been lost in some courageous act as he tried to rescue a red-headed freckled urchin from a herd of stampeding rhinos. Or a hero who is temporarily blinded as a result of his defusing a bomb which would have wiped out the Hersheys factory, resulting in some semi-sweet dark chocolate landing in his eye, hence blinding him. But a hero with a Napoleanic stature? Say it ain’t so sweet baby Jesus! This is not helped when everybody and his dog is described as being taller than Byron (aka Diminutive Duke). Except Summer Wine. So basically what I’m reading about is a tale of midget love here people. Not that midgets aren’t entitled to love. Just that I don’t really want to read about it is all. And I know that height doesn’t matter when you’re both lying down. But how will you ever wear your 5 inch Louboutin leopard print pumps when your man’s the height of a fire hydrant?? THERE IS NO HAPPY ENDING.
And let me tell you what I was expecting. I was all set to read about a hero who was cold and icy and proper in every way. And then he meets this girl who’s the antithesis of everything he believes in. At first he can’t stand her and this is borne out in their fiery exchanges. But slowly, through small gestures, his affection for her and her badonkadonks starts to show through. This is the payoff and build-up which I expect!
What I do not anticipate is that at the end of the first chapter, Byron is totally digging Summer Wine Lee despite the fact that she sounds like a caricature from Bonanza and keeps a knife in her panties. And I’m supposed to believe that Summer Wine Lee is willing to transform herself into some society belle to win the affections of her fiance Monte and yet at the first sign of interest from Shorty McDuke, will trade the knife in her panties for another type of blade. What is the point of trying to learn to be a lady when she happily crawls into Byron’s bed and up the length of his body (world’s fastest crawl ever!) and takes something more interesting than marbles into her mouth. And after the culmination of their encounter, Summer’s best friend Maria strolls into the room and calmly carries on a conversation with Summer and the now-drained Duke still entangled on the bed. To which Summer insists that nothing happened “that will jeopardize (her) vow to Monte.” Oh sure. Because Summer just wandered into the room and accidentally fell onto a buck naked Byron and because her mouth opened in surprise, this resulted in an extremely compromising but completely innocent position.
I guess my problem is the one-dimensional nature of the characters. I’m told that Summer Wine Lee is a brave, passionate and spunky heroine who is a breath of fresh air amongst all the other English belles. And she’s managed to gain the favor of the Prince of Wales too. I’m told that Byron is the toast of the ton and is cynical and cutting and (despite being about the height of Verne Troyer) is also extremely popular amongst the ladies. I’m told all this but I don’t see it for myself. There’s really more of an impact if these things come through in little scenes and details.
Also, what is up with the names? I mean, Summer Wine Lee? What, Spring Vodka was taken? And the Duke of Monchester makes me think of Manchester being pronounced by someone with a Jamaican accent.
I do like how both Summer Wine and Monchester are animal-lovers. Although there is a touch too much realism in the book for my liking. For example, when Summer Wine and Monchester are at a shooting party and after all the birds are shot down and left to die slowly in a field whilst the rest of the guests go back indoors, Summer Wine and Monchester walk around wringing the necks of the dying birds. Um, ookay. Never seen that one before. And how Summer Wine helps Monchester’ illegitimate son with his injured cat by amputating the cat’s hind legs. Yeah. There’s an entire chapter describing that. This the kind of realism that I can do without in my romance novels, thanks much.
And also not forgetting the scene where Monchester and Summer are going at it on the bear fur rug in his castle and he pulls out fistfuls of bear rug due to his passion. The poor bear’s dead and stuffed by some taxidermist already for God’s sake. And now you’re pulling out his fur whilst in the middle of some torrid sex tryst? Is there no dignity after death?!
And in the end, Summer admits to herself that the reason why she wanted lessons in becoming a lady was because she killed a man in her youth and as a result, wanted to prove to herself that she too could be a lady notwithstanding the fact that she’d killed some dude. Um, yeah. I would have thought it would have been obvious that killing someone could be a major life-changing force but maybe I tend to overanalyze things.
Anyway, I don’t have a good way of ending this review, except to express relief that my experience of reading this novel has ended. Plus I hear Sheridan screaming in the other room about a “mutant cyborg lizard that refuses to die Goddammit despite being sprayed by a can of insect repellant and splashed by boiling water!” So I think I’d better go investigate.
Julie Bo Boolie said,
February 7, 2010 @ 8:00 am
Oh dear. How awful.
On a good note, I just finished Born of Night and Born of Fire and all I can say is it’s VERY obvious that Sherrilyn Kenyon wrote these years ago because they’re freaking AWESOME. Tortured, gorgeous, vicious yet tender, will rip anyone who looks at you’s head off but will also rescue street urchins TALL heros who pack 3 times their weight in weapons. Mmmmmmm
The heroine in Night is so/so but you gotta love Shahara in Born of Fire. I loves a woman who keeps going for the groin in a battle!
O.k. I’m done gushing now. Off to read Born of Ice.
Julie Bo Boolie said,
February 7, 2010 @ 8:00 am
oh and the Midget Love line had me LOL!!! snort.
Bridget Locke said,
February 7, 2010 @ 2:10 pm
Oh, you slay me. *snorts* Midget love indeed.
I can’t read books with short heroes. I’m 6′1″. If the guy is 5′10″ and under it’s just not doing it for me. That being said, one of my heroes that I’m writing is 6′7″, but he goes for a woman who’s 6′1″, so it all works out in the end. The logistics of sex with a really tall hero and an extremely petite heroine makes my head hurt. *sigh*
LadyCurvyA.K.APHR said,
February 8, 2010 @ 3:09 am
LMAO!! :p
Sometimes I just love reading your reviews better than the actual book so thank you much and I guess I’ll pass this one!
hahahaha
Fifi Trixibelle said,
February 8, 2010 @ 8:15 am
I lost it when you say she had something more interesting than marbles in her mouth. Then you describe her as SPUNKY.
Oh, you lost some British slang right there…
Pamelia said,
February 11, 2010 @ 10:42 pm
HAHAHA! I think we need MORE bird stranglings and cat amputations in romance novels! (After all, what woman wouldn’t relate to that?) Good God! Are there no EDITORS anymore? Thanks for the hysterical review!
tara said,
March 6, 2010 @ 2:50 pm
Speaking of short heroes I loved Pamela Morsi’s Love charm.The hero Armand Sonnier is shorter than the heroine but he’s arrogant and snooty and looks down (not literally
upon the scatter-brained Aida.
Morsi has written heroines who are taller,older,more intelligent than the hero.I guess it depends upon how it is written.
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