For those of you unfamiliar with this particular thread of posts, once in a while, the RipMyBodice girls get together over a few bottles of fine aged whisky, fried chicken and pancakes to muse about what they have read, what they wish they didn’t and what they wish they could. Any authors, editors, publishers lurkin’  about on this website, take note! We offer up potential best sellers after the jump, inspired by our favourite holiday of all time, Halloween (when else can a girl get lucky with a vampire, werewolf or demon?):

(1) Constantly conscious of her rather large frame and imposing stature, she found it impossible to find a decent man big enough to sweep her into his arms without causing his back to shatter into a million pieces (this had happened numerous times before). Heartbroken, and having been warned by the sheriff of the small town in Albama where she grew up with her nana and one-armed cousin Geraldo that she’d be thrown into the county jail if she broke yet another man’s back, she sadly packed up her bags, deciding this was the perfect opportunity to finally meet her facebook friend ” Gentle_Jiggy_Giant” who was based in Dubai. Over a past six months, she had been exchanging a series of flirtatious emails with Gentle_Jiggy_Giant and she was confident that he wouldn’t wet his pants at the sight of her. As the strains of “2001: A Space Odyssey” played over the Dubaian dunes, she arrived on the cosmic sands, oblivious to the shrieks of fear of the populace as they were convinced that the looming shadow over their homes and skyscrapers meant that the end of the world was nigh. Just as she caught a glimpse of the man who was to be Gentle_Jiggy-Giant, she heard a scream “NOW!”. Immediately, ordinary sized people started climbing all over her body, as they furiously worked to secure the ropes which were tied to metal rings on the ground. “This is the biggest boob I’ve ever been on!” breathed one worker in wonder, as 20 men danced an Irish jig on her left breast. In spite of this, she found herself becoming reluctantly titillated (as this was the closest she had ever been to a salacious experience (going through a year’s supply of dildos and vibrating butt plug toys notwithstanding)). Just as suddenly, the dancing and celebrations stopped as she came face to face with whom she thought was Gentle_Jiggy_Giant who was in actual fact, Prince Abu-Abu, legendary lover, international man of mystery and keeper of the world’s largest circus folk collection. Will she win the battle of wills against Prince Abu-Abu? Will they consummate their love on a magic carpet ride or will she return to Alabama and the love of her one-armed cousin Geraldo who had idolized her all this while (even though she could carry him on a single foot)? Proposed title: Big Love

(2) ”Spare some change kind sir?” came the singsong voice belonging to a maiden with hair of shining gold and breasts of juicy watermelons. She was wrapped in a dirty cloak which could not completely contain her buxom figure. Seated in the dark corner of the tavern, nursing a cold ale, the hired assassin eyed her. Dressed in black, he was a figure of darkness and danger, death personified. He had no weapons upon his person; his preferred weapon of choice - his bare hands. Hands, which would have been happy to offer whatever protection the lady’s breasts wanted, on a no charge basis. But instead of approaching the lady (for he feared that she might spurn his advances upon sight of his scarred yet manly face), he did the next best gentlemanly thing - he splayed his muscular long legs which served only to showcase the impressive tentage of his pants, hoping that that would entice her to head his way. Curious of the shadow that had suddenly enveloped the room, she turned and gasped, her coins spilling across the dirty tavern floor. As he caught sight of her beautiful face for the first time (having been too engrossed in staring at her fruits), he too gasped. “Mother??!” he cried in surprise. How could this be? She was the splitting image of his deceased mother, whose death after she had choked on an orange had spurred him onto his never-ending quest for vengeance on The Society Of Non-Organic Orange Farmers. He mentally slapped himself. ”This is so wrong”, he mumbled. But as she looked deep into his eyes, he made a decision and stretched his hand out towards her (as he needed the extra support (getting up from a stool with a massively inhuman erection is no easy task)). As she (and several other patrons of the tavern) pulled him to his feet, he realised too late, that the mole atop her left breast was in fact, a tiny tattoo of an orange. “No. A spy” he breathed as suddenly, orange-clad ninjas descended from the rafters with battle cries. Grabbing the girl by her melons, he spun around and attacked the Orange Farmer ninjas. Will the assassin survive? How will he deal with the betrayal of the Orange maiden? Will Sunkist send more ninjas after him? Proposed title: Orange you happy to see me?

(3) “Jungles. I hate jungles” he muttered, wiping the sweat from his brow. Illegal logger Julio continued to toil away, hacking his way through the lush foliage as sweat dripped down his chiseled body. He was however, unware that in the shadows, lurked a woman. A woman who was mentally undressing while simultaneously comparing parts of his body to George, her pet proboscis monkey. “Who’s there??” Juli demanded, whirling around in confusion just as his clothes begin to fly off his body. “It is I,” Sara Lee Cake said huskily, her left eye sparkling lustily. “You have trespassed into my long-lost kingdom ‘Voulez-vous cochez avec moi ce soir’, where we abduct hot yummerlicious stud muffins like yourself to use as, um, stud muffins.” Julio considered this for a long moment, distracted entirely by Sara’s right eye which had gone all Mad Eye Moody. As she fondled Julio’s appendage, twisted vines descended from the jungle’s canopy and caught him in a David Carradine embrace, pulling him towards Sara Lee Cake’s village, The Bundt. Before Julio passed out however from the potent combination of lust and aphysixiation,  he spied several other strapping naked men along with a dozen life sized proboscis monkeys. An eternity passed (though it could have been moments, who can tell with these sorts of things?) and as Julio struggled back to consciousness, he awoke to the sight of a fortunately-endowed proboscis monkey named Bubbles who was standing in front of him in a mankini. Together, Julio, Sara Lee Cake and Bubbles then later formed a monkey ménage with a most inappropriate use of bananas. Proposed title: Jaid Black called; She wants her plot back.

(4) She stared him coolly in the eye. Having graduated summa cum laude from Harvard Law, she was the toughest corporate shark lawyer in her firm. “Don’t you know how to make coffee? Or toast bagels?!” she yelled at the new intern. Handsome though he may be, he clearly wasn’t too skilled in the more practical aspects of a legal career. ‘I hope for his sake he’s skilled elsewhere’  she thought to herself, as she leaned over her pile of due diligence files, her pert buttocks in the air. At that precise moment however, her client, whom the office had nicknamed Mister Billionaire Shipping Tycoon Hottiepants walked into her office. She stared at him with disdain, not caring if he noticed. Who did he think he was, buying fleets of yachts as farewell gifts for his discarded lovers. “Hi sexy,”  he murmured. ‘Yeah, whatever dude‘ she thought, giving him a tight smile. How inappropriate! What a pompous chauvinistic fool. Men should be more like Mario; the shy, sweet, most times sweaty janitor. “Oh Mario” she sighed, just thinking of the way his long fingers would grip the hard, long, thick handle of the vacuum cleaner whenever he came by her office. Suddenly, she felt herself violently spun round and caught up in the arms of Mister Billionaire Shipping Tycoon Hottiepants. “Don’t you dare say another man’s name when you’re with me. I won’t have it,” he growled harshly, before his firm lips came down hard against hers. Caught up in the kiss, Mister Billionaire Shipping Tycoon Hottiepants let his hands travel down her toned body, coming straight into contact with a lumpy hardened object where her lady parts should have been. “WHAT THE?!!” shouted Mister Billionaire Shipping Tycoon Hottiepants as he jumped back in shock. Horrified that her secret had been discovered, she fell to her knees and begged him not to report her to the senior partners. Hearing the commotion and thinking his lady love was under attack, Mario burst through the office door, mop in hand, determined to avenge his lady. Will our heroine choose Mario and his wooden broom or Mister Billionaire Shipping Tycoon Hottiepants and his fleet of ships? Proposed title: The Billionaire Tycoon’s Secret Hermaphrodite Lawyer and Her Janitor Lover (A Harlequin Presents Book)

(5) In the harsh, brutual world of competitive bird watching, he stands undefeated in his ability to stay hidden beneath the shadows of the trees or between its branches for months’ on end - unmoving, silent and still; surving only on what Mother Nature brings and/or his own bodily fluids. Unbeknownst to him, the watcher is also being watched – by a strange half bird/half woman hybrid. Intently, she studies him, absently munching on earthworms whenever she feels hungry. Suddenly he feels himself being gripped tightly in her talons as she swoops down and carries him off. “Who are you?” he cries. “I am Robin Red Breast” comes the answer. After hearing no response Robin Red Breast continued, hoping to engage her handsome captive in conversation through the long arduous flight back to her home “I hail from the land of Locksley, a secret world of giant sized birds forced to hide from the world because of our inability to control our mammoth sized poo. Only one of us has been able to successfully live amongst your kind. You may know of him, Big Bird.” “You don’t mean the famous porn actor Big Bird, star of such shows as “A cock in the hand is worth two in your bush” and “Chicken Not So Little”!” he cried in astonishment. “The very same,” affirmed Robin Red Breast. “But the rest of us are not so lucky and are forced to survive by stealing food and other valuables from human places like campsites, backyards and Trafalgar Square but you will change all that for us,” added Robin Red Breast, as she descended onto a giant nest like structure. Together, Robin Red Breast and Bird Watcher forged a brave new world. But will their love survive in the face of constant persecutions against man/woman-bird love and the threat of avian flu? Proposed title: Birds of a feather f*ck together