Mama mia, here I go again
“The Tycoon’s Rebel Bride” by Maya Banks
Some producer/writer in Hollywood should totally come up with a made for TV series feature bonanza based on these bite sized mini Romance novels served up by Silhouette. Compelling stuff. Maybe feature it on Hallmark since not only do the plots feature happily ever afters (thus fulfilling the feel-good element) but also, important life lessons. Take for example “The Tycoon’s Rebel Bride” wherein I have learnt that it is important and possible, to go for what you want in life. Who cares if you end up looking like some desperate, crazed psychotic woman? It’s called focus.
The plot features successful billionaire Theron Anetakis as a slightly oversexed, totally overworked playboy who is looking to settle down because he feels it’s about time to build an empire of sons. And so lately, set out to woo a rather respectable, society girl from Greece that would render all Greek mothers everywhere to sigh in approval. But you know what is missing? Moussaka. Or in non-Greek speak, “passion”. Theron feels none of that sexy sparkyness between him and his intended but resolves to coax it out of his intended on their wedding night, for it is the job of a man to school his chaste virgin bride from cold sardine to burning hot lava. Baklava that is. Hur hur hur. I kill myself with the funny sometimes.
But Theron’s nice, orderly, work-filled life gets shaken by the arrival of his brother’s young ward Isabella Caplan. Isabelle’s come to New York for one purpose and one purpose only - to win the heart of Theron and to be his bride in that Big Fat Greek Wedding in the sky. She’s always loved Theron you see, but he never paid her any heed because that would have been what law enforcement officials term “paedophilia” and also, “statutory rape”. But now, Isabella’s all grown up and all grown out and she’s determined to put the talents (i.e. boobies) that mother nature had so bountifully blessed her with to good use. And so, she shows up at Theron’s office in some belly revealing get-up, coo-ing and flirting with Theron; getting him all worked up at the thought of Isabella’s lower back tattoo and how much he’d like to trace it with his tongue. For those who as well would like to find out what kind of tattoo attracts a man’s attention so, do not fret as it is later revealed that her tattoo is a pair of angel wings or something like that rising out from her butt crack. Classy, classy, classy. Isabella convinces Theron to help her apartment shop as an excuse to spend more time with him and over lunch, she blatantly turns on her sex mojo moves, trying to turn the tone of the conversation into steamy territory. Theron’s clearly interested in the new and improved Isabella (I know this because it is written that fires of desire lept in his eyes. Or something like that) but holds himself back due to the fact that he is her guardian and she his ward. Shades of Gaelen Foley’s “Lord of Ice” coming to play here and we all know how that one turned out.
To Isabella’s chagrin, Theron mistakes her intentions to settle down in New York and her oh-too-strong come on lines as her wanting to settle down and marry and so he tasks his secretary to come up with a list of New York’s most eligible bachelors for her to choose (I WANT THAT LIST), and decides to throw a party for her to meet them. Somewhere along the way when escorting Isabella back to her suite, Theron moves to kiss her chastely on the cheek but Isabella the sneaky fox turns her head at the last possible second, forcing Theron to kiss her on the lips. This proves to be rocket fuel to some sort of simmering flame between the two of them; which I supposed would make his tongue some sort of thruster booster or something. Anyway, Theron really lays it into her before quickly coming to his senses and vowing it’ll never happen again. Isabella regroups from Theron’s rejection quickly by hatching some bird-brained plan with her BFF (who moonlights as an exotic dancer) to have Theron see her up on stage shakin’ what her mama gave her in minimalist attire. The aim being, I suppose, that Theron is to be overcome in a surge of lust so powerful that he falls in love with Isabella and marries her. I am sad however to report that it happens almost exactly the way I snarked. But before we get there, Isabella attends that party of Hot, Rich & Single Party starring her (as the only female) and the most eligible bachelors New York has to offer. Seriously if someone threw that kind of party, I’ll be there even if I have to rappel down from the ceiling ala Mission Impossible style. No doubt someone will appreciate my athleticism (if not the leather catsuit I intend to appear in). Isabella shows up in a dress designed to blow Theron’s mind out of his brain and into his pants and though he is there with the woman he intends to propose to, cannot help but hold Isabella inappropriately close for a dance.
But Isabella remains frustrated when Theron still resists her advances and so seeks comfort in the arms and friendship of one of The Bachelors, who reads through her mask of longing and unrequited sex love for Theron, and suggests they act all coupley and make Theron jealous. As Theron’s forged from the heavenly & sacred fires of Alphadom, he gets incredibly worked up at the sight of Isabella and Bachelor Number 1 together all laughing and happy; and goes berserk when he later in the book finds Bachelor Number 1 in Isabella’s room dressed in nothing but a bathrobe. Dejected and disappointed at not being able to convince Theron that he and she were made for each other, Isabella puts on her BFF’s sexy little number and prepares to get jiggy with it with a pole. Unfortunately Theron finds about this (coincidence?! I think not) and drags her ass off the stage before she and the pole could even get acquainted. He drags her back to his suite in a fit of rage (and surpressed desire) and gives Isabella some feta cheese to eat. Yeah ok no he takes her virginity and then decides that they must marry.
The story doesn’t quite end there because while on a trip to visit his brothers, Isabella overhears Theron’s conversation with his brothers and gets it into her head that Theron doesn’t really love her and that she had broken up his relationship with his true love out of respect for her respectability. At this point, my patience with Isabella has completely gone off the deep end and I wanted nothing more than for her escape helicopter to incinerate into a gazillion pieces. Oh if wishing made it so. My second wish would be that Theron comes to his senses and decides that the Greek gods had granted him a boon - a lifetime away from the shrew that is Isabella and he then gets on his yacht and sails far far away and into my arms where we live HEA, rolling in yoghurt. But nay. Instead the fool runs after her and tells her he loves her and THEY live HEA, leaving me to watch Mama Mia by my lonesome. Maybe I should consider a move to Greece. Who’s with me???
Typ0 said,
October 24, 2009 @ 12:26 am
Why must all Harlequin/Silhouette heroines be TATL? (Too Annoying To Live) Arggh!! I always want to throw them through the nearest window. Or is it just me?
BookFiend said,
October 25, 2009 @ 11:51 pm
This post is HILARIOUS! I love your snark.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
October 30, 2009 @ 2:01 pm
TypO - It isn’t just you. I hate them all! They always seem to be either incredibly juvenile or OTT, and thoroughly undeserving of their good fortune. Life is unfair.
*curtsies* Thanks Bookfiend!
LadyCurvyA.K.APHR said,
November 1, 2009 @ 3:28 am
Lolzzzz … Poor SSC!! :p … Loved it as usual
RomanceAddict said,
June 24, 2010 @ 11:48 pm
Maya Banks is one of my new favorite authors. She really delivers on the angst. I can always count on her for a good heart twinge. She can also write an excellent grovel. Her alphas are great. They dig themselves in sooo deep and really have to work at it to get out. You should try some of her other books. The first book to this series is great (for a harlequin). She also writes the best menage books out there! And hey, if one alpha is great, then two HAVE to be better.