“Nicholas: The Lords of Satyr” by Elizabeth Amber

I’m pretty sure the saying as “randy as a goat” has been parried about on this website once or twice before but it has never more been more appropriate than in relation to the Lords of Satyr series since you know, the heroes are mystical half man, half goat beings. Lola and I seem to have strayed rather far from our usual serving of werewolves, werejaguars, werepanthers (and such other exotic and dangerous animals) to that of the almost, every day zoo/circus/ (and now) farm variety. I worry for the day that one of us stumble upon a half man, half mosquito book; notwithstanding the fact that Mozzie Man would no doubt be some sort of vampire hybrid with an impressive stinger.

The Lords of Satyr series begins with the three wine-making Satyr brothers: Nick, Raine and Lyon; all charged by King Feydon with the protection and marriage of his three half human half faerie daughters (the by-product of Feydon’s nightly romping into earthly wombs of three separate human women. It is not known if he danced and played the lute to lure these human women to bed on a midsummer’s night). In response to Feydon’s dying decree, Nick speeds off to Rome to find his bride and smells out (apparently a Faerie’s body odour is particularly sweet to goats) green-eyed Jane, who moonlights as some sort of gypsy fortune-palm reader (she’s working to save enough money to break free of her aunt and dad’s home). While having his palm read (I swear this isn’t what kids are calling it these days), Jane gets visions of Nick in the throes of passion and bolts from the tent. A few days later, Nick tracks down Jane and presents to her odious and incestuous aunt an offer of marriage. Faced with the option of marrying either Nick, bronzed muscular blue eyed man-goat candy (who from all accounts looks human since none of the characters at this stage have gone “My God good man! Those are hooves upon your furry legs!!”) and Signore Nester’s son (a sad excuse of a man), Jane makes the supremely logical choice to enter into a marriage contract with Nick. What Jane is not aware of however, is that her conniving Aunt Izabel would like nothing more than to get her hands on the lucrative Satyr vineyards and heirs of Satyr for her Super Secret Orgy Society. Yes you heard that right. A Super Secret Orgy Society Wherein Hapless Drugged Out Young Men Receive Pleasure From Middle Aged Sexually Charged Women With Rings On Their Fingers And Bells On Their Toes (By Which I Mean Nipples And Their HooHah) And Then End Up Dead. I’ll never romp around Italian vineyards barefoot again.

And now, this is when the story gets rather odd. We know Jane to be half faerie half human and while her magical powers of talking to and healing plants and such other vegetation is deal-able, her…down-feather hair growing shoulder-blade wings are not. Nor are the ghostly servants that trawl the Satyr castle at night; summoned by the pan-flute playing estate manager. Oh then there’s the whole thing about how the Satyr lords can conjure up some sort of ghostly spritely women called Shimmerskins to sate their lust at any time of the day (in any form they choose and in any number they please). And then there’s the case of Nick’s second penis. Yes. You read me right. Believe me I was totally caught unawares with that one. Cos one moment I was reading about how Nick, Lyon and Raine are naked in some garden celebrating the Calling, the next I’m re-reading the sentence whenceforth his second shaft had made his way from his belly. FROM THE BELLY. There are no words. I totally had to flip to the front of the book to make sure I wasn’t reading a Jaid Black story.

As quickly as I was confronted with news of ducal peni the story shifts to a party held by Jane’s aunt Izabel at which Jane discovers distressing news that her husband had been regularly serviced by two mistresses (not counting the Shimmerpeople). She confronts him at this and makes him an offer to be his mistress not just a chaste wife. Enchanted and curious about her offer, Nick agrees and proceeds to give her lessons at how to be his mistress. Clearly the role of mistress suits Jane as she finds that when she becomes aroused, her nipples glow and turn a pale silver blue. Like ok. I knew I was reading a paranormal Romance book but clearly I had not properly done my due diligence on just how paranormal it was going to get. Glowing blue tipped nipples take the cake my friends. Tis a pity Nick isn’t some sort of airplane pilot or something. Jane could have been intensely useful for night landings. Anyway, Nick’s first task is to introduce Jane to carnal acts by mirror (whereat I cannot help but wonder if he was blinded by her nipple-light). It is here his penis (the non-belly one) is described as some sort of “prairie animal peeking from its burrow (i.e. the thatch between her legs) and then ducking away”. I set my book down and blink for a moment.

When I resume reading, I am treated (I assure you, I mean this in the loosest sense of the word) to Nick and Jane indulging in some afternoon delight wherein he covers her eyes with a tie and binds her to his bed. Ah. Bondage. A familiar territory. After all having read Lilli Feisty’s book, what more could I be rattled by thinks I, confident in my assumption. Oh Sheridan. How naïve you are. For while bound, naked, and blindfolded, Nick instructs that Jane is to imagine offering herself to differing male guests and then thank them after they partake in her hospitality. Throughout this interlude, Jane is reminded by Nick to always be polite to their guests; to always say a grateful word of thanks after being serviced. Seriously Nick, let the woman send a goddamn card. Because did I happen to mention at this point that Nick pretends to be the different male guests by altering his pitch/tone/accent and by asking himself (Nick), as host of this “party” to inappropriate touch Jane? Also, apparently the guests all fight over the honour of who gets to put their singular penises into Jane first, with Nick playing the role as calm mediator. That’s right. Lord Nick Satyr – lover, mystical, wine-maker, and voice-over artist. You guys, I’m all for role play. But this…this is taking it to a whole new level.

And just as I thought my little RMB brain could take no more, the story proceeds with Nick taking Jane some days later to some inner sanctum that is filled with lost Satyr relics, as well as leather straps, feathers, metal rings and strands of pearls. Nick then shows Jane a drawer of dildos. Amongst such priceless treasures as this lies a “small column of tanned, mottled surface”. What is it you ask? Well. It is a phallus of an ancient beast that no longer lives, but yet, apparently when touched, still vibrates with pleasure for “even after centuries, it still hums with the warmth of the beast.” DUH.  It is then explained that the vibrating dead beast phallus was not cruelly removed (i.e. the animal was not hunted down and killed for his special appendage (oh wow. Yeah. I’m sure PETA would have not approved with that one)) and that if left in a woman’s body for too long, can cause a woman to die from too many orgasms. Blessedly the artifacts in the room are not used and before you know it, it is another full moon. Nick goes to Jane asking her to choose whether she would service him through this period or if she would rather he take his pleasure in the Shimmerwhores. Please say Shimmerwhores, please sa – oh bollocks. While in the throes of the Calling, Nick starts growing downy fur and his normal penis distends to “monstrous proportions”. Jane, hon, this is a good time for you to RUN AWAY. Quick! Before the other one grows! Oh bollocks. Now there are two of them. Both in parallel to each other. Nick starts to explain where his not normal but yet normal penis will go, and where his “pelvic cock” will go and Jane asks for a drink of wine. Good idea Jane. As the wine was previously laced with some sort of aphrodisiac, Jane finds great pleasure in both of Nick’s sausages and just when I thought the coast was clear, it seems that the Calling also brings out The Seeker. What *is* this you ask? Let me share. Apparently during the Calling, Satyr men have some sort of unidentified serpentine instrument that unfurls itself from the man’s scrotum to tickle its way into a woman’s anus. Now before you judge this…Seeker thing, know that not only does it give a woman great pleasure, it also heals damaged tissue. It heals as it please! (I joke so I don’t cry my friends).

Thanks to the Calling, Jane finds herself pregnant with child and births a son to Nick a month later (whatever. I’m just glad no eggs were involved). However, the second Vincent is born, Aunt Izabel springs into action, kidnapping Vincent and forcing Jane to bring her Super Secret Orgy Society to the room of dead stuffed vibrating animal penises. Clearly I am missing something here because only a moron of the highest degree would, after having kidnapped the only son of a powerful mystical lord, asks to be taken to the chamber of tickles, giggles, chairs with holes in them and a dead vibrating animal penis. Jane outmanoeuvres the group with her quick thinking (long story short), and Aunt Izabel dies by vibrating dildo and the rest of her Super Secret Orgy Society scatter, having been relieved of the “evil” powers of their rings.

I realise this review has gone on for quite a while but I feel that I would most certainly be remiss in my duties as a reviewer if I had not told you as much as possible about Satyr men. And so, I will leave you with another juicy insight. For my pain, is your pain.

Now picture this, gentle reader. It is another (goddamn) Calling, and Nick leads Jane into some garden wherein his brothers are and bades her to disrobe and let her brothers have their way with her. Apparently this is part of Satyr tradition and is known as The Sharing. Comfortingly he assures her that they would of course, do the brotherly thing and withhold their childseed from her so as to not get her pregnant, and also assures her that this is for her own good. For once this is done, he will be able to sense her, no matter where she is. Really Nick. Your super sense of smell isn’t enough for you?! Jane is then made to stand in some sort of contraption and Raine mounts her from behind with his dual set of appendages, filling her with “warm, brotherly semen”. Then, Raine retreats and Lyon steps to the plate. Now Lyon, he’s a joker that one, and decides to incite Nick to jealous rage by toying with Jane. Once Lyon finishes with Jane, Nick brings her to a cave and completes The Sharing as Raine and Lyon look on, and the Shimmerladies are conjured up to attend to the unwed brothers. Now I have to bring this review to a close because it’s late, I’m tired, and a bit drunk though more things occur post The Sharing that have driven me to plunder our liquor cabinet at 2am in the morning (i.e. I have started The Drinking). I welcome your comments, and any encouraging words you may have for this reviewer who went and bought the entire series without properly finding out what it was about and for being distracted by a naked man on the cover. And this friends, is called The Stupid.

The Lords of Satyr series begins with the three wine-making Satyr brothers Nick, Raine and Lyon, being charged by their King Feydon with the protection and marriage of his three half human half faerie daughters (the by-product of Feydon’s nightly romping into earthly wombs of three separate human women). In response to Feydon’s dying decree, Nick speeds off to Rome to find his bride and smells out (apparently a Faerie’s body odour is particularly sweet to goats) green-eyed Jane, who moonlights as some sort of gypsy fortune-palm reader. While having his palm read (I swear this isn’t what kids are calling it these days), Jane gets visions of Nick in the throes of passion and all but bolts from the tent. A few days later, Nick tracks down Jane and presents to her odious and incestuous aunt and uncle an offer of marriage. Faced with the option of marrying either Nick, bronzed muscular blue eyed man-goat candy and Signore Nester’s son (a sad excuse of a man), Jane makes the supremely logical choice to enter into a marriage contract with Nick. What Jane is not aware of however, is that her conniving Aunt Izabel would like nothing more than to get her hands on the lucrative Satyr vineyards and heirs of Satyr for her Super Secret Orgy Society. Yes you heard that right. A Super Secret Orgy Society Wherein Hapless Drugged Out Young Men Receive Pleasure From Middle Aged Sexually Charged Women With Rings On Their Fingers And Bells On Their Toes (By Which I Mean Nipples And Their HooHah) And Then End Up Dead. I’ll never romp around Italian vineyards barefoot again.

And now, this is when the story gets rather odd. We know Jane to be half faerie half human and while her magical powers of talking to and healing plants and such other vegetation is deal-able, her…down-hair growing shoulder-blade wings are not. Nor are the ghostly servants that trawl the Satyr castle at night; summoned by the pan-flute playing estate manager. Oh then there’s the whole thing about how the Satyr lords can conjure up some sort of ghostly spritely women called Shimmerskins to sate their lust at any time of the day (in any form they choose and in any number they please). And then there’s the case of Nick’s second penis. Yes. You read me right. Believe me I was totally caught unawares with that one. Cos one moment I was reading about how Nick, Lyon and Raine are naked in some garden celebrating the Calling, the next I’m re-reading the sentence whenceforth his second shaft had made his way from his belly. There are no words. I totally had to flip to the front of the book to make sure I wasn’t reading a Jaid Black story.

As quickly as I was confronted with news of ducal peni the story shifts to a party held by Jane’s aunt Izabel at which Jane discovers distressing news that her husband had been regularly serviced by two mistresses (not counting the Shimmerpeople). She confronts him at this and makes him an offer to be his mistress not just a chaste wife. Enchanted and curious about her offer, Nick agrees and proceeds to give her lessons at how to be his mistress. Clearly the role of mistress suits Jane as she finds that when she becomes aroused, her nipples glow and turn a pale silver blue. Like ok. I knew I was reading a paranormal Romance book but clearly I had not properly done my due diligence on just how paranormal it was going to get. Glowing blue tipped nipples take the cake my friends. Tis a pity Nick isn’t some sort of airplane pilot or something. Jane could have been intensely useful for night landings. Anyway, Nick’s first task is to introduce Jane to carnal acts by mirror (whereat I cannot help but wonder if he was blinded by her nipple-light). It is here his penis (the non-belly one) is described as some sort of “prairie animal peeking from its burrow (from the thatch between her legs) and then ducking away”. I set my book down and blink for a moment.

When I resume reading, I am treated (I assure you, I mean this in the loosest sense of the word) to Nick and Jane indulging in some afternoon delight wherein he covers her eyes with a tie and binds her to his bed. Ah. Bondage. A familiar territory. After all having read Lilli Feisty’s book, what more could I be rattled by? Oh Sheridan. How naïve you are. For while bound, naked, and blindfolded, Nick instructs that Jane is to imagine offering herself to differing male guests and then thank them after they partake in her hospitality. Throughout this interlude, Jane is reminded by Nick to always be polite to their guests. And to always say thank you after serviced. Did I happen to mention at this point that Nick pretends to be the different male guests by altering his pitch/tone/accent and by asking himself (Nick), as host of this “party” to inappropriate touch Jane? Also, apparently the guests all fight over the honour of who gets to put their snakes into Jane first. That’s right. Lord Nick Satyr – lover, mystical, wine-maker, and voice-over artist. You guys, I’m all for role play. But this…this is taking it to a whole new level.

And just as I thought my little RMB brain could take no more, the story proceeds with Nick taking Jane some days later to some inner sanctum that is filled with lost Satyr relics, as well as leather straps, feathers, metal rings and strands of pearls. Nick then shows Jane a drawer of dildos. Amongst which a “small column of tanned, mottled surface”. What is it you ask? Well. It is a phallus of an ancient beast that no longer lives, but yet, apparently when touched, still vibrates with pleasure for “even after centuries, it still hums with the warmth of the beast.” Hunh. It is then explained that the vibrating dead beast phallus was not cruelly removed (i.e. the animal was not hunted down and killed for his special appendage (oh wow. Yeah. I’m sure PETA would have not approved with that one)) and that if left in a woman’s body for too long, can cause a woman to die from too many orgasms. Blessedly the artifacts in the room are not used and before you know it, it is another full moon. Nick goes to Jane asking her to choose whether she would service him through this period or if she would rather he take his pleasure in the Shimmerwhores. Please say Shimmerwhores, please sa – oh bollocks. While in the throes of the Calling, Nick starts growing downy fur and his normal penis distends to “monstrous proportions”. Jane, hon, this is a good time for you to RUN AWAY. Quick! Before the other one grows! Oh bollocks. Now there are two of them. Both in parallel to each other. Nick starts to explain where his not normal but yet normal penis will go, and where his “pelvic cock” will go and Jane asks for a drink of wine. Good idea Jane. As the wine was previously laced with some sort of aphrodisiac, Jane finds great pleasure in both of Nick’s sausages and just when I thought the coast was clear, it seems that the Calling also brings out The Seeker. What *is* this you ask? Let me share. Apparently during the Calling, Satyr men have some sort of unidentified serpentine instrument that unfurls itself from the man’s scrotum to tickle its way into a woman’s anus. Now before you judge this…Seeker thing, know that not only does it give a woman great pleasure, it also heals damaged tissue. It heals as it please! (I joke so I don’t cry my friends).

Because of the Calling, Jane finds herself pregnant with child and births a son to Nick a month later (whatever. I’m just glad no eggs were involved). However, the second Vincent was born, Aunt Izabel springs into action, kidnapping Vincent and forcing Jane to bring her Super Secret Orgy Society to the room of dead stuffed vibrating animal penises. Jane outmanoeuvres the group with her quick thinking (long story short), and Aunt Izabel dies by vibrating dildo and the rest of her Super Secret Orgy Society scatter, having been relieved of the “evil” powers of their rings.

I realise this review has gone on for quite a while but I felt that I would be remiss in my duties as a reviewer if I had not told you as much as possible about Satyr men. And so, I will leave you with another juicy insight. For my pain, is your pain. Now picture this, gentle reader. It is another (goddamn) Calling, and Nick leads Jane into some garden wherein his brothers are and bades her to disrobe and let her brothers have their way with her. Apparently this is part of Satyr tradition and is known as The Sharing. Comfortingly he assures her that they would of course, do the brotherly thing and withhold their childseed from her so as to not get her pregnant, and also assures her that this is for her own good. For once this is done, he will be able to sense her, no matter where she is. Really Nick. Your super sense of smell isn’t enough for you?! Jane is then made to stand in some sort of contraption and Raine mounts her from behind with his dual set of appendages, filling her with “warm, brotherly semen”. Then, Raine retreats and Lyon steps to the plate. Now Lyon, he’s a joker that one, and decides to incite Nick to jealous rage by toying with Jane. Once Lyon finishes with Jane, Nick brings her to a cave and completes The Sharing as Raine and Lyon look on, and the Shimmerladies are conjured up to attend to the unwed brothers.

I have to bring this review to a close now because it’s late, I’m tired, and a bit drunk though more things occur post The Sharing that have driven me to plunder our liquor cabinet at 2am in the morning. I welcome your comments, and any encouraging words you may have for this reviewer who went and bought the entire series without properly finding out what the plot was about and for getting distracted by the naked men on the cover of the book. Sigh.< >< >< >< >< >

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