I like my heroes evolved
“Dementia” by Jaid Black
I know y’all think we here at RMB have a way with words, a certain flair for describing our thoughts towards the books we read in a witty, yet unfailingly erudite fashion.
And so not wanting to let you down, let me now summarize my thoughts upon reading the e-book “Dementia” by Jaid Black.
Aaiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
Perhaps I have gotten ahead of myself. It might help you, dear gentle reader, to understand a little better once I have described the plot of this book. Delores Ellison has stumbled onto the planet Dementia, in what is a spin-off from Jaid Black’s Trek Mi Q’an series. Ah, I can hear you say. The proverbial pin has dropped as the realization comes upon you. But my friends, this should not be just a pin that has dropped. It should be a bowling pin. I had thought that nothing could out-weird the weirdness of the original Trek Mi Q’an series, where women have multi-colored nipples like Skittles and heroines recognize their one true loves from the males’ ability to summon every article of clothing from their bodies just with the wiggle of a lascivious brow (handy skill, that). I thought that since I already knew what to expect, I had already scaled the heights of strangeness and would be able to relax in the valley of extraterrestrial sex. Foolish, foolish Lola. *shakes head despairingly*
Because even I was not prepared for General Zaab, leader of the forces on Planet Dementia (that should’ve been my first clue right there). General Zaab, who is as alpha as they come, tall, muscular, with flowing black hair and piercing green eyes. General Zaab, who is a monkey.
How harsh your judgment Lola, I can hear you chide. After all, are you not already accustomed to the silly antics of heroes, who persist in misjudging their heroines and do all sorts of things calculated to wound their loves’ feelings? Did you not once say that any stupid behavior on the part of the hero is welcomed by you because it would imply that heart twinge is to follow? Why should you now denounce the hero as behaving like a monkey?
Yes, I did say all that. But when I also say that the hero is a monkey, I mean it literally. As in, the hero is a monkey. Or if you want to get into details, he is an ape. Or if you really, really want to get into details, he is an ape man. By which I mean he stands tall like a human man, and speaks and thinks like a human man and smells like a human man, but has the face of an ape.
I don’t know about you, but I love me my werewolves and my werepanthers and my weretigers and maybe even some wereleopards. But y’know, I don’t feel turned on by the heroes when they’re manifesting Bageera from Jungle Book. I like them when they’re human. Maybe this makes me a racist, but I have issues with a human woman and an ape man. Because you know, I think you should stick to your own race. As in, the HUMAN race. Sure, as Dee, the poor object of Donkey Kong’s affections tells herself, Zaab “stood upright like a human, possessed the mental acuity of a human and even carried the masculine scent of a human, yet this male was no human….”
Yes Dee, I believe we have already established that the alpha male chasing after you so vigorously looks like he came off the set of Mighty Joe Young. And you know, just because he walks upright, does not mean that he is not still one rung down from us on the evolutionary ladder ok. You may believe in Darwin’s Theory of Evolution (betcha never thought you’d read a discussion of that on RMB huh?) but getting together with an ape man is not exactly like dating a cousin five times removed. He may walk, talk and smell like a human, but what you have on your hands is General Thaddeus from Planet of the Apes. OK fine, so Thaddeus was a chimp and as a gorilla, Zaab is like, taller than you and all, being 7 feet tall. I guess that makes things more acceptable and sexy. I guess.
And as Dee runs through the forest fleeing from General Zaab, thinking to herself in anguish, “if she didn’t get out of this situation…then she would become the sex slave of a gorilla.” Yes Sheridan, that howl was coming from me. Sorry about that, I know you’re still locked in your private vigil for MJ. Oh nothing, just howling in laughter. A bit like the howl of a primate that has lost its mate. Inside joke. Coz I’m reading this Jaid Black book about a hero who’s also half ape and how he’s chasing after this human woman that he wants to make his slave and… Hunh. Guess she needed to get back to her vigil.
Anyway I also like how Jaid Black sort of skims over the fact that her hero is an ape, by dwelling on his green eyes and rather subtly referring to his large protruding incisors and “primal face.” Yes, because I can’t read and therefore when I am given a description of a hero with a primal face, I am unable to put together the fact that he looks like King Kong. Dude. There are heroes who get primal looks in their eyes when their jealousy is all heated up or heroes who react in a primal fashion when their heroines are in danger. But their actual faces aren’t primal you know. I mean, yeah I can deal with a hero not being traditionally good looking (case in point, Elizabeth Hoyt’s heroes) but I draw the line at a hero whose facial planes are completely flat and has his lower jaw protruding. Call me shallow but there you go. Because I really prefer my men to be you know, evolved and all. Maybe it’s just me.
Back to our intrepid heroine who’s still running in the forest. She gets tripped up by a poisonous and deadly plant and so her escape is curtailed. If by poisonous and deadly, you think that the plant is going to eat her, well, you’d be partially right. See along with ape men, Planet Dementia also boasts flora and fauna that suck the juices from you. Um, well more specifically, the vegetation sucks the juices from you from down there, leaving you to die from dehydration as um, your juices are drunk up. Yeah. This is really not a planet I want to stumble onto any time soon.
But never fear, General Zaab manages to release her but not before having his wicked ape way with the helpless Dee. By this time, Dee is pretty happy at being Zaab’s sex slave because the happy plant has injected her with some kind of aphrodisiac and Zaab being an ape, is endowed with all the natural masculine attributes of an ape. (Never having been that close to the primate enclosure to the zoo (and even if I did, it’s not like I could peer too closely at the nether regions of an ape like some kind of sicko), I cannot say this for certain but I have my suspicions.)
Finally, Dee has admitted that she loves her big, lovable lug of a gorilla man and so they live happily ever after, once he has demonstrated his love for her by having sex with her in front of a hundred other ape men. (I shall never again complain about couples engaging in PDAs.) And is it wrong of me that I did like this one scene where this other ape man tried to come on to Dee (seeing as how she was naked and all, I think she should expect this sort of overture) and Zaab leaped across the table (not that impressive considering his front arms are technically longer than his legs) and backhanded his rival. This almost (I said almost) made me want to rethink getting jiggy with my very own Magilla Gorilla.
And I don’t know if Sheridan is able to find an image of the cover of “Dementia” but it is HILARIOUS. Don’t worry, it’s not a banana. So we leave Planet Dementia now, me highly traumatized and confused and resolving to stay far away if ever there is a George of the Jungle rerun.
Meljean Brook said,
July 12, 2009 @ 11:53 pm
This was one of the first books I read at EC, way, way back when. Traumatized covers it, as does confused, and yes — hilarious. I’d downloaded it while I was at work and spent the rest of the day in a “Did that really just happen?” stupor. Ah, good times.
Here is the cover:
http://yfrog.com/c8dementiaj
cutepolishgirl68 said,
July 13, 2009 @ 1:42 am
Silly me, but I prefer Disney’s version of “Beauty and the Beast”.
Brandy said,
July 13, 2009 @ 6:13 am
I. Have. No. Words. Other than I shall stay far, far away from this book. Thanks for the hilarious review! *G*
vanessa jaye said,
July 13, 2009 @ 9:06 am
This was one of the first EC books I read years ago. Left me dieeply disturbed, yet I couldn’t stop reading in that trainwreck-where-is-she-going-with-thing-oh-no-she-din’t! way. Now I shall be off to scrub my brain of these stirred up memories.
Hilarious review, btw.
Amy said,
July 13, 2009 @ 10:31 am
Great review, but reading the plot points has led me to 10 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Oh. My. God.
Julia said,
July 13, 2009 @ 11:11 am
Oh. My. Word. That is…Inexplicable. There are no words for the mixture of terror, fear, and disbelief that I feel right now. Also (TMI WARNING!) Gorillas are known for having pretty tiny man-parts.
Patti said,
July 14, 2009 @ 12:59 am
Great post! Hmmm…I’m thinking I’ll steer clear of this book! Love your blog!!
Bridget Locke said,
July 14, 2009 @ 1:49 pm
Uh…all I can say is…well, to be honest I have no words. *shakes head* I find it all very, very disturbing. Eesh!
La Lola said,
July 14, 2009 @ 5:38 pm
I am highly disturbed by all this and yet this has not stopped me from downloading yet another one of Jaid Black’s e-quickies. I know, I know, I have no one to blame but myself! Review coming soon, if I can gather up my courage with the help of my trusty bottle of Jose Cuervo!
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