I’m a survivor I’m gonna make it
“The Vampire’s Bride” by Gena Showalter
On an island somewhere in the South Pacific…
*AWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Oh oh eh ah oh eh ah…*
*Lola, Sheridan and Mimi are perched on little tree stumps surrounded by tiki torches. Lola inspects her chipped glittery manicure with dismay and Sheridan looks sympathetically at Mimi’s split ends.*
Jeff Probst: Ladies.
Lola: Jeff my man!
Mimi: How’s it hanging?
Sheridan: Do you ever get tired of khaki?
Jeff Probst: Welcome to Tribal Council. You…”
“Ahhhehhhohhhehhhoehhhhehhhhohhhhehhhhhhahhhhhh… ehhhhh ohhhhh ehhhh ohhhhh…..” chant Mimi and Sheridan in unison. Lola blows the conch shell.
Jeff: You are the last 3 standing at the end of this grueling season of Survivor: Revenge of the Fallen Romance Reviewers. The rest of your competitors have had this to say about you: “We will never speak to those b*tches again.”
RMB girls: *Hi5!*
Lola: So, about that. The thing is, we’ve been away from our blog for a while and I’m pretty sure people are starting to get worried.
Sheridan: Juan and Sven must be dying of loneliness, with no soft, supple bodies to massage and no throats to pour tequila down. If we go back and find out that they’ve gone all Brokeback on us…
Mimi: Things are not going to be pretty.
Jeff Probst: 33 days on the island. You must miss home. Let’s talk about what was your one item you each brought to remind you of what you left behind.
Mimi: *whips out a diamante skull* His name is Edgar!
Lola and Sheridan: Hi Edgar!
Sheridan: I brought a picture of my beloved, Gerard Butler. *strokes frame tenderly* To keep me warm through the cold, cold nights, as I picture his brawny arms wrapped around me as he looks deep into my eyes and…
Jeff Probst: And what about you Lola? I hope you brought something marginally more relevant to your stay here.
Lola: I brought “The Vampire’s Bride” by Gena Showalter! And it’s totally relevant! Because it’s like a paranormal version of Survivor! So basically, Layel is the Big Daddy-O of the vampires who is living for revenge against the dragons. This is the first of the Atlantis series by Gena Showalter I’ve read (although I am a fan of the Lord of the Underworlds – Lucien, kissie kissie!) and I didn’t have a problem figuring out what was going on. See, you have vampires and demons and dragons and Amazons and nymphs and they all can’t get along. Especially when some renegade dragons kill the human mate of Layel, the Vampire King and so he goes all Blade Trilogy on their fire-breathing asses. But Layel can’t get over the death of his wife and let me tell you, it. Is. A. Pain.
“Please don’t tell me it’s one of those “I loved her so much that no one else can replace her in my shattered heart” kind of stories,” groaned Sheridan. “The only thing worse would be if he had kids with the first wife and the kids decided to be like Children of the Korn and attack her with a fish knife.”
“OOH!” Mimi perked up. “That sounds like it could be a fun read.”
“Anyway,” Lola continued, ignoring Mimi as she wove visions of serial killer romance in her head. “It was SUCH a bore! I mean, I get that Layel was upset over the death of his wife and her being tortured and burned alive by fire and all, but dude. This goes on and on and on.”
“Lola, perhaps if we focused on the actual contest. You know, outwit, outplay, outlast?”
“You got it Jeff! But first, Layel is in the midst of a battle with the rest of the Atlantean beings, which includes this Amazon warrior called Delilah. And she’s all, “Oooh look at the big bad vampire king hack off the other guy’s head, sexaayyyy.” And he’s like, “Oooh look at the boobs on that woman, sexaaaayyyy.” And they do a little flirting, a little “I could kill you but we are both evenly matched with your big bazookas in your corset and my big sword in my pants.” And then suddenly, a whole bunch of the Atlantis guys get sucked into some kind of void and wake up on this island, where they’re told they have to take part in Paranormal Survival!
“That’s quite interesting!” chirped Mimi. “Kind of like us! But with magic and stuff!”
“Exactly! And there are all the same rules of Survivor, which was pretty fun to read about. Like how Layel and Delilah are on different teams. But this dragon on Delilah’s team wants to enter into an alliance with her, which is important because if your team loses a challenge, then you go to. Tribal Council.”
“Ahhhehhhohhhehhhoehhhhehhhhohhhhehhhhhhahhhhhh… ehhhhh ohhhhh ehhhh ohhhhh…..” chant Mimi and Sheridan in unison.
“Yeah but at Tribal Council….”
“Ahhhehhhohhhehhhoehhhhehhhhohhhhehhhhhhahhhhhh… ehhhhh ohhhhh ehhhh ohhhhh…..” chant Mimi and Sheridan in unison.
“Enough already! You don’t just get voted off the island. You get beheaded!”
“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” muttered Jeff.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Ladies, if we could get back to the immunity challenges,” Jeff interrupted.
“Ooh yes! Thanks for reminding me Jeff. Just wondering, does the khaki ever chafe in unmentionable places? Coz sometimes you get this look on your face and I wonder. But anyhow, Layel always tries to help Delilah with her challenges, but he’s confused. He loves his first wife and she can never be replaced because she was beautiful, sweet, she carried their child (which died, alas), wonderful, had a really tight coochie, yadda yadda yadda. So how is it he has fallen for this Amazonian warrior who keeps coming at him like a freight train? He, Layel, must resist! He must hold on to the memory of his first love! He must not devalue the bond they shared! He… likes Delilah’s big boobies. And oh wait, she has an even tighter coochie! That was pretty much the vein of the entire novel, which was a little tiresome.”
“Awwwwww,” pouted Sheridan. “But we like Gena Showalter!”
“We do indeed like Gena Showalter! But we like Lords of the Underworld Gena Showalter more. We do not really care for Mr “I love my first wife but did I mention that I really want to play patty-cake with your chest?” Vampire King. Although there were occasional moments which were pretty good, like when Layel seethed that the dragon Delilah had entered into the alliance with was protecting her instead of him. As in, that the dragon got to protect Delilah instead of Layel doing the protecting I mean. Not that Layel wanted to be protected.”
“Oohhh… they were in an ALLIANCE,” nodded Mimi knowingly.
“OK Mimi, when I say alliance, I really do mean alliance. Not like, ooh hey sexy baby, let’s alliance.”
“Oh,” said Mimi disappointedly.
“But don’t worry, there’s plenty of canoodling and Delilah totally gets up close and extremely personal with Layel’s immunity idol. But for this hardass warrior princess type, Delilah could stand a few lessons in feminism. All those times that Layel was telling her to leave him be and to get her skankybedanky self away from him, she kept coming back for more! Girl, the vampire wants to be alone with his memories and his right hand. Leave him be already!”
Jeff Probst shakes his head in disgust. “When you girls are done with this, gimme a call, I’m going to get a drink.”
“Anyway, we should be getting back right? We’ve been stuck out here playing Survivor for like, a month! People might be wondering what’s happened to us.”
“I’m sure Juan and Sven are holding the fort,” soothed Sheridan.
“Yeah, what could possibly happen after all?” Mimi scoffed. “We go back to civilization and find out that the world’s fallen to pieces, our readers are suffering withdrawal symptoms and some ultra mega celebrity has died? Please.”
Bridget Locke said,
July 7, 2009 @ 12:55 pm
HI!!! *waves madly* Man, I missed you guys so much! Did you get my email? There were a lot of us that were worried about you. I hope you’re all doing okay.
AIISA, D said,
July 7, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
ugh sounds like a bore (the book) and glad to see you guys are alive and updating!
Fancy said,
July 7, 2009 @ 9:11 pm
Yay! Omg I miss this place! Has it been a month?! Welcome back! Yay (again)!
dlamb8 said,
July 7, 2009 @ 9:27 pm
missed you! glad you’re back.
Frannie said,
July 7, 2009 @ 9:33 pm
So glad you’re back! In your (long, long) absence I had to drink my morning coffee while actually working! Hope you’re all ok.
cutepolishgirl68 said,
July 7, 2009 @ 10:57 pm
Thank God-now I can start drinking in joy rather than the despair of missing you girls this past month!!!! *tear, sniffle, wipe eyes*
Renee said,
July 8, 2009 @ 2:17 am
Welcome back, ladies! I missed the RMB madness.
b. said,
July 8, 2009 @ 2:51 am
Hi! I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for a while now. This is my first comment
Of all the books in the Atlantis series, I like this one the least. My favorite is the second one — Jewel of Atlantis — you should definitely check it out
Beth said,
July 8, 2009 @ 3:19 am
Phew! You’re back. Missed the reviews. Still in the meantime have discovered BDB and oh baby
Amy said,
July 8, 2009 @ 5:08 am
Whew! I’m glad to see the ladies alive and well, if not suffering slightly on the island with Jeff. Missed y’all!
Nicole said,
July 8, 2009 @ 8:53 am
oh yay. I was worried and a bit despondent - so glad to see you are back.
Brandy said,
July 8, 2009 @ 9:25 am
YAY! Y’all are back! I, too, was worried and am very glad to read of your return!
Shela said,
July 8, 2009 @ 12:43 pm
Just when I thought that we’d all lost you forever, you came back! I didn’t expect to find a new post tonight but I’m glad I checked.
I love GS’s Atlantis series but I can’t argue with you that this one’s a toughie. I couldn’t finish it the first time I read it because it was lagging on and on… and on and Layel’s character was so reminiscent of a sexually repressed emo barbarian. And what the hell was up with Delilah? She was practically worshipping the ground he walked on like a house cat. WTF.
So, I dropped it.
I finally got to it again and finished it (even though I’d already skipped to the end to see what happens- heehee) and realized that I enjoyed Shivawn’s story within the story more than Layel’s. But it was still worth the money to get it.
But what’s up with starting with the last book in the series? I suggest you read her 1st: Heart of the Dragon (it’s the best one in the series)–that one got me hooked.
Nice to have you back, ladies.
Typ0 said,
July 8, 2009 @ 7:36 pm
So glad to see you guys back!! *bounce* RMB was definitely missed.
Julie Bo Boolie said,
July 8, 2009 @ 8:38 pm
Gena’s usually hit or miss with me…. mostly misses but just close enough to make me keep reading her dammit!
Kimi said,
July 9, 2009 @ 10:01 am
Whew! Your’e back!!! Thank goodness!! I was moving beyond worry and into the disappointment phase after 30 days of not reading your posts. I’m so glad you’re still at it. Welcome back from the island!!! Now hit that TBR pile! We’re counting on you…
La Lola said,
July 9, 2009 @ 10:16 am
*wipes a tear from her eye* Y’all love us. You really love us. Sorry for the whole going AWOL thing, but we’re baaaaaccccckkkk from the island. Now, please excuse us as Sheridan has locked herself into her room to mourn the tragic passing of MJ and Mimi has spent the past 2 days whipping Juan and Sven back into shape (literally).
Jessica Kennedy said,
July 9, 2009 @ 12:04 pm
Loved this book.
Didn’t read your whole post as I’m too tired and should be asleep.
I’m sure it was good though.
Gummy Bear said,
July 11, 2009 @ 11:34 am
aw yay!! i’m so happy to see my fave bloggers are baaaack! missed you guys *one tear*