Pimps before Hos
A love letter to Rehvenge, by Lola & Sheridan:
Dearest Rehvenge,
So. The good news first. The good news is, that you are a helluva better leading man that Phury aka “I like to hold my fluffy duck blankie and talk about my feelings.” Because we really dig the mohawk, the cane, the fur jacket (we’re going to pretend that you’re friends with PETA as we are okay?) and evil amethyst eyes thing that you have going on. And as a badass pimp daddy with ties to the underworld? Smokin’ baby.
We loved that such a hard bodied bad boy such as yourself fell head over heels in love with a quiet plain vanilla vampiress and that you aren’t afraid to show your softer side. And no, we ain’t talking about the little problem you got going there as a result of all that dopamine. Well, not yet anyway (please see below).
Baby, may we call you baby? Baby you just make us want to hold you. Tight. So, so tight. Scrunched up against our breasts (not at the same time. Please now refer to our time-share agreement enclosed with this letter entitled Lola & Sheridan’s Play Date Time Share Agreement v189 (05/07/2009).DOC), tight, so tightly that our hands have no other choice but to be placed upon your perfectly shaped arse. Yesh that’s right.
We must confess to skipping over all the alphabet soup bits with “O” and “W” and “U” and “Lash” and all other lessers doing the Sesame Street episode thing, except for Lola’s beloved Z and Mimi’s “can’t touch that” (no really. Don’t), V. So the book was actually pretty short because once you trim down the bare essentials to just you, beloved pimp daddy, there wasn’t much left. But oooh when you did appear and got under everyone’s skin in your devilish, sociopathic ways? *Lola squeals like a pig in the death throes and flops over onto her belly* And did we mention how much we LOVED that scene where you hurled your cellphone across the room after a fight with Ehlena you love (whom we are in the process of tracking down and stapling our photos to our face - just sayin’) and that you roared when you realised that if it smashed you wouldn’t have any way of contacting her again and you charged across, muttering “please…please” to yourself while you scrolled through your phone? WE WANT AN UPGRADE IN OUR PHONE PLANS!!
And while we’re at it, we would be grateful if you could show yourself up to our offices to lovingly prepare a candlelit dinner for each of us on our respective dates. Did we mention that roast beef is a most loved and cherished dish here at RMB HQ (second only to hot vampire/sympath ass of course). When you were pretending to be all casual and “no big deal-ish” when Ehlena declined to stay for dinner after dropping off your meds and then you quietly retreated to the dining room alone; all lonely and sad, pensively fingering the bottles of antibiotics (sexy!) that she had brought you, all the while contemplating how you wish you were a male of worth? Oh how we wanted to hold you! Hold you so tight by your cheeks (see above) * Sheridan starts singing Michael Bolton’s “Can I Touch You There”* BAAAAAAYYYYBEEEEEEEEeeeeEEe!!! *Startled, Mimi peeps into Sheridan’s office where letter is being written*. Though you may have some issues with Mister Dinklewhooha, you know we still love you right? Though honestly, between you and me, the part where it is later finally described that your man finally managed to ahem, “correct his posture” and he was as long as a “thigh bone”, fear struck our hearts. Really? A thigh bone?? Like…of a child right? Like a small yet not that small child? Cos baby we’re holding the ruler to ourselves right now and we’re a little worried. Assuredly though we will be able to work something out. Worry not, our love.
And still on the subject of your massive luv tool, what was up with that whole grip hook in the tip of your penis thing? Because shades of Emma Holly in the Yama Demon series here. And while that made sense in the book (kinda) the reason for your grappling fish hook was not fully explored. And when we say “not fully explored” we mean literally. You kinda mentioned it to Ehlena and she went “oopsie” but we didn’t get to find out how it works! (And Lola REALLY wants to know - preferably through personal experience.) Does it hurt? Is it Ticklish like Tickle Me Elmo? (Yes - we went there.) Does it have teeth and eyes like some kind of parasitic twin? Is it like the monster in Tremors?! What is the whole purpose behind having this whole alien penis accessory thing anyway and is this some sort of new trend with romance authors because seriously, paranormal romance is a trend. Navy SEALs is a trend. Frightening tongue like fissures which come out of places they have no call coming out of, is so not a trend. Is the hook meant to keep your lady love to you? Because baby, you don’t need no knitting needle poking out of your dingle dangle to keep us near you. A nice new Chanel will do just as well.
Anyhow, we thought we should write to tell you how we feel, and to tell you that you are well loved here at RipMyBodice HQ. Fur, dingle dangles, hooks, mind control and all. Yeah so maybe you might not get your very own shrine next to Vishous, Rhage and Zsadist, but you still have a place in our hearts, as we have a place on your buttocks.
Yours Sincerely,
Lola & Sheridan (since the motion to shorten this dynamic writing duo to “Loridan” was so cruelly shot down by one Miss La Lola)
cutepolishgirl68 said,
May 7, 2009 @ 7:28 pm
I loved this book and I have to say that the Lesser story was primarily Lash this time and really quite interesting as opposed to the previous books. I loved the cell phone part but as a quirky-doo kind of thing, I thought it was hilarious when Elehna went to V and Janes’s side of the penthouse by accident. OOPS!
btw- so sorry that I tired Rehv out so much last weekend with the manwich, but his grappling hook sure was worth not sleeping for two days.
Frannie said,
May 7, 2009 @ 9:37 pm
I wasn’t planning on reading it since the last one was such a bummer, but now, after this very funny review, I likely will. And honestly, I always completely skip all the scenes where the lessers are plotting and scheming. And the fishhook thing…Emma Holly and Lora Leigh too I think…for me, it’s kinda whatever the girlie equivalent of a soft on is.
Sayuri said,
May 8, 2009 @ 1:08 am
Much, much better than Lover Enshrined.
I loved revisiting Wrath & Beth as well and I am liking the new nasty side of JM as well. I felt so bad for him.
But for all that it did feel like, ‘What was the point of all that.’ I felt it was a transitional book to get to JM & Xhex’s story quicker. *shrug*
Bridget Locke said,
May 8, 2009 @ 2:23 pm
*sigh*
Here’s my review: http://goodandbadbooks.blogspot.com/2009/05/lover-avenged-by-jr-ward.html
I’m still not 100% sure what I thought of it.
katiebabs said,
May 11, 2009 @ 4:19 am
All I have to say is word to this statement- Phury aka “I like to hold my fluffy duck blankie and talk about my feelings.”
Rehv is no longer the limp pimp in my eyes. JM is a whiny baby who needs to grow some balls.
Stalker v1.5 said,
May 11, 2009 @ 6:45 am
Laughing hysterically over here. Loved to hate then adored the book.
Gummy Bear said,
May 11, 2009 @ 3:29 pm
i must confess that i jumped straight from Z’s book to Rehvenge’s. Rehv looked too hot to resist!! i KNEW that when i read the “thigh bone” part, i knew you ladies would discuss it!! LOL.