Beware lawn instruments
“The Disobedient Mistress” by Lynne Graham
On those days when I’m feeling a bit antsy and want a quick romance fix without getting sucked into a full-length novel, I grab a Harlequin book because the book gets straight to the point. Or at least, it should in theory. Because sometimes I can do without the hero and heroine pussy footing around trying to “feel” each other out in an attempt for emotional conflict, but which I really know is a poorly disguised attempt by the author to meet her word count and not have her editor show up at her doorstep with a hatchet. The downside of this is that some (ok fine, a lot) of the Harlequin books are pretty… wait a sec, there’s a French word I’m looking for. Oh yeah. Crappy. And they all kind of meld together in my mind as some sort of super Harlequin monster: The Billionaire Cowboy Fireman Tycoon Greek-Spanish-Italian Sheikh’s Conveniently Innocent Bought Secretary Mistress Bride’s Secret Twin Babies.
And yet, all is not lost because there are diamonds in the wilderness. Lucy Monroe and now, Lynne Graham, whom I have just discovered to my eternal joy. Sadly a lot of her books are out of print, so I am going on a book hunt this week to try and track down as many of her Harlequins as possible. I am always up for a challenge, as anyone who looks at my footwear can tell you.
I also freely admit to having less than PC tastes in books (in case you guys have not already realized this.) There is a time and place for reading Gloria Steinem’s books and sadly, I am never of that time nor in that place. So Lynne Graham’s confidently masculine heroes (RMB interpretation: Bossy Jerk) and struggling virgin heroines (RMB interpretation: Poor Doormat) are right up my alley. Because what do you get when you add 2 parts Bossy Jerk Hero to a cup of Poor Doormat and a sprinkling of sexual tension? The potential for grovel. Aww Lynne Graham, you had me at Bossy Jerk.
Leone Andracchi is a Sicilian tycoon who’s Out For Revenge. His younger sister was killed in a car accident, when her married lover fled the scene of her accident and left her there. So he’s determined to wreck havoc on the life of the married lover, who also happens to be a politician, by exposing him as a hypocrite with an illegitimate daughter. And who should be the illegitimate daughter but Misty Carlton, a struggling caterer. Leone arranges for Misty to be hired on a trial basis and later tells her that he knows she’s struggling with bankruptcy, and will help her out if she pretends to be his mistress.
Misty grew up in foster care and therefore doesn’t know who her father is and that he’s a deadbeat politician. And without stopping to wonder why a gorgeous Sicilian tycoon would choose her to be his mistress in name only when he frequently dates supermodels, she agrees to be his pretend mistress and stay in his luxury London apartment. *Lola sticks her hand up* Are applications still open Leone? Leone of course thinks that Misty is an easy rider (apparently she used to dance around with her rock star best friend on stage) and so has no compunctions about using her.
But Leone cannot help but be attracted to Misty, and midway through, decides that since the international press are already identifying them as lovers, he might as well do it for real. There are quite a lot of tension filled scenes when Leone is all possessive over Misty and jealous of who he thinks are her ex-lovers. And of course, Misty discovers that Leone wanted to use her as a dreaded tool of vengeance, and so goes ballistic and leaves him.
And poor Leone’s like, “No don’t leave me! I need you!”
Then Misty goes, “Why do you need me? I mean nothing to you! Anyway I was in a car accident so I will never be able to have children and I will let my fertility issues stand in the way of our getting together.”
I never understand why in romance novels, the heroines with fertility problems always use that as a reason for not binding the guy to them. Because hello, if you can’t have kids, I would have thought that’s all the more reason to make sure that at least you have the love of your life.
But anyway, then of course Misty miraculously discovers that she’s pregnant and when she storms in to tell Leone, his face lights up with joy when he sees her. But then she yells at him, he chases after her, where her rock star best friend is waiting, and Leone is overwhelmed with jealousy and threatens to kill his rival. Ah. L’amour.
This book is chock-a-block with heart twinge. And strangely enough, occasional glimpses of humor which are very out of place in a Harlequin, and yet a happy surprise for me. Like when Leone chases after Misty for the final time and she tells him she’s not going to marry him, he pales and stumbles across a 3 feet high lawn mower and then stares at it in amazement that he could have overlooked something so big. And then Misty realizes that he MUST be in love because everybody knows when a cool and self-possessed Italian businessman goes around tripping over gardening equipment, he’s been hit in the ass by Cupid.
I really need to get me more Lynne Graham.
Chanel19 said,
March 23, 2009 @ 10:43 am
I play a game with my son in the WalMart book aisle. We run the Harlequin titles together to see who can make a coherent sentence. Kinda like
Scrabble with book titles.
My boy managed a triple title sentence last week involving a european millionare, a Silhoutte title and a Lora Leigh.
lauren said,
March 23, 2009 @ 11:14 am
Sigh, I fear if my family ever discovered just how addicted to HQ Presents I am that I’ll end up on that show intervention, hell if they open my bookcase they’ll probably be sitting me down to have a talk, actually among my greatest fears is that I end up in a coma and they go through my stuff and see all the books, and then I won’t be able to face them when I wake up because I’ll just think about all those horrible covers and titles, and well we will never be able to look each other in the eyes again.
But I get off topic, I have also just rediscovered Lynne Grahym, I read a really bad one by her and wasn’t going to pick her up again, but I got suckered into a differnt story and loved it. She’s got a lot of books out there for sure! I also really enjoy Jane Porter for a good dramatic book, I read one that was disapointing but otherwise they were good. Also I have been trying to find more Penny Jorden, I read one of hers that was fantastic. Ok, see Presents just make me talk WAY too much, don’t get me started on Desire and Blaze.
Julie Bo Boolie said,
March 23, 2009 @ 11:38 am
Since I’m actually trying to write a Harlequin Romance (I’ll be happy if anyone picks it up really) I have to be a tad more tolerant
The nice thing is that I can read one in about 2 hours. Writing one seems to be taking me significantly longer 
Bridget Locke said,
March 23, 2009 @ 2:03 pm
Way, way, way back when (between the ages of 10-21) I was a HUGE HQ/Silhouette fan. I had categories up the ying-yang. Now? I won’t be caught dead with them. There’s something about the whole misogynistic a-hole over-Alpha males and the beyond doormat, usually TSTL heroines that have no place in the real world. Diana Palmer cured me.
Not trying to start waves. I know there are a lot of people who love her, but after the same book written over and over and over again, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. Maybe I’m crazy, but at least I’m sane…partially.
Lola said,
March 23, 2009 @ 5:31 pm
Hey Chanel19, good for you! It’s never too early to get em started I always say. Although if he’s a young tike, you really might want to keep him away from the Lora Leigh.
Ooh which Lynne Graham book did you read Lauren? coz I went on a total mad-ass track down the other day on Amazon marketplace, hunting down all her books. So if you want to buy a book by her but it’s unavailable, it was me. *hangs head.*
Good luck with that JBB! Keep us posted on your progress!
Hey Bridget, I know what you mean about DP. The sad thing is, some of her earlier books were really good. Heart twinge about the wazoo. So I keep reading them in the hopes she’ll return to form. But she keeps rehashing the same old plot over and over again. And what I want to know is, since she’s rehashing them, why can’t she rehash the good ones?
lauren said,
March 23, 2009 @ 10:11 pm
Psomething Bride, I can’t remember the name, but the heroine worked for the hero as a temp and had hero woship because the hero had been nice to her sister who had died. Long story short, vigin, baby, mistress, wedding.
Bridget Locke said,
March 24, 2009 @ 3:41 am
Speaking of, why are all these women willing to be the mistress of these guys? And they never use condoms or any sort of birth control. I’m thinking categories are responsible for 99% of the world’s overpopulation.
lauren said,
March 24, 2009 @ 5:55 am
I actually hate the mistress themes nad won’t buy it if it’s the title (the heroine actually said no to being hero’s mistress) ultimatly though mistress just means girlfiend but apparently these Greek/Italian Bizilioniars are way too sophisticated to call it that. And I’ve seen a rise in birth control in these books, which has NOT meant a lessening of children, thank goodness, ultimatly I have no problem with the lack of condoms if the main goal of the story is that the heroine is going to get pregnant, using a condom just gives the hero a chance to deny paternity.
Dulce said,
March 24, 2009 @ 6:03 am
That bambino was lucky the lawn mower did not move and mangled his sexy Italian face. Since Lifetime is making some of Nora Roberts books into movies, maybe they should also make some Harlequin books into movies. I can picture Antonio Sabato starring as Signore Andracchi. lol
Chanel19 said,
March 24, 2009 @ 7:13 am
Nah, he’s a teenager and could probably stand a LL. Having said that I had to by “An Officer and a Millionaire” or some such variation of title a couple of months back. They decided the guy was a jerk, US Navy Seals are a dime a dozen (judging by books about them) and million bucks can’t get you the floozy of your choice anymore (OK, they said skank not floozy)
Lola said,
March 24, 2009 @ 3:59 pm
Hmm….was it the Petrakos Bride (or something like that Lauren?) Coz billionaire hero, virgin secretary mistress. I’m definitely getting a sense of deja vu here.
Agreed Bridget, because the message they’re sending is: go forth and get knocked up by a hot alpha billionaire. Only you can help yourself. Hot alpha billionaire will provide (eventually). I have totally learned this lesson and am just waiting for my chance to practice it.
Ooh Dulce, but if they make some HPs into movies, what if we end up with another Leann Rimes/ Eddie Cibrian sitch on our hands again?? Think of the children!
And Chanel19, what I want to know is if Navy Seals are a dime a dozen, why can’t I find any? Life is too unfair.
Kodhi said,
March 24, 2009 @ 8:41 pm
OMG! Old school Lynne Graham = teh crack. Her heros are all 6′4 golden eyes billionaires, and her books are full of pregnancies and secret babies but i love her anyway. Not the new stuff but the older ones.
There was a real heart-twingy one with him getting her fired form her job, slept with her, then announced that she was gonna move in with him but she was not gonna enjoy his money or some such craps. Anyway, once she moved in (cos she was a doormat) he decided that they needed to get married (cos the dope was in love all along and didnt want to admit it).
Then there was a hilarious one about a kooky lady who raises gold fishes in her company’s fountain ( yes, that’s how you know she was special), and for some reason they have to pretend to be engaged (this is Harlequin Present world, anything can happen). And he thought she was fat because of all the baggy clothes she wore, not knowing that she was fat in the way romance heroines are fat, with busty chests and butts and tiny waists. So he hired her a personal trainer who put her on a diet. The poor thing sneaked down to the fridge every night to stuff her face.
Oh and there was one where the heroine wore diamond studded heels. I dont remember anything else, just that bit of crackiness.
And one where the heroine collect ugly duck porcelains, or pigs, I ‘m not sure, but at the end of the story, he bought her a truck load.
Yes, as you can tell, her heroines are either doormats or slightly kooky in the attic. Anyway, if you can find them, buy them. They are worth it.
lauren said,
March 24, 2009 @ 10:44 pm
That was it Lola, I knew it was something Greek like that.
And OMG raises gold fish in the public fontain! I really hope Lola got that one. I’ll have to go check out the UBS and see if I can find anything like that.
librarygirl said,
March 25, 2009 @ 12:25 am
Sandra Marton was always my HP drug of choice (loved the Barons series & the Romano books). Also, some Emma Darcy and Miranda Lee.
Gummy Bear said,
March 25, 2009 @ 2:55 pm
lauren.. i was laughing so hard at your 1st comment i had tears coming out of my eyes. sigh.
Dulce said,
March 26, 2009 @ 6:53 am
Lola, Nora Roberts’ Montana Sky was made into a Lifetime movie last year and it was pretty good. The movie with Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian was an abomination. After watching the first ten minutes I deleted it from my tivo. I think if the movie has the right actors for the lead couple and they have chemistry then the flick would not suck big fat hairy balls.
Lola said,
March 27, 2009 @ 6:58 pm
A thousand gold dubloons to you Kohdi, if you can provide me with the titles of the books! *darts look at Sheridan* What?
I too hope I can get my paws on a copy of the fountain-goldfish-rearing book lauren!
hello librarygirl, Sandra Marton eh? Will keep that in mind, thanks for the rec!
But Dulce, according to that holy grail aka E!, Eddie and Leann apparently have a LOT of chemistry. Real life let me cheat on my supposed gay hubbie kind of chemistry!
Kodhi said,
March 27, 2009 @ 10:35 pm
The gold fish one is The Spanish Groom. The first one is A Savage Betrayal, i think. The diamond shoes is The Heiress Bride. My googlefu failed me at the last one though.
But I remember the gold fish one as being the most hilarious. I lol-ed at the sneaking down to the fridge bit, oh and her telling him the trainer is so scary because when she turns sideways she’s only 6 inches across, the trainer that is. See, i still remember bits and pieces of it until now, it was that memorable.