Lost in Translation
“Dark Desire” by Christine Feehan
Missing audition tape #311 from American Idol, Season 8
Sheridan: Hi y’all!
Simon: Hello sweetheart, come on in. Your name is Sheridan Sakura Carlotta.
Sheridan: Yes that’s me
Simon: And tell us Sheridan, why are you here?
Sheridan: Well I’m here to be the next American Idol!
Simon: Excellent. So what song will you be singing for us sweetheart?
Sheridan: Oh no I won’t be singing.
Kara: Sheridan, this *is* a singing competition you know
Sheridan: Oh I know. LOVE your hair by the way. Shiny! And OMG I really like you as a new judge!
Kara: Why, tha-
Sheridan: But Paula you still rock. Because girlfriend I know you’ve found someway to stash that bottle amongst the many horrible outfits I’ve seen you wear and I respect that. *thumps chest* Anyway, I’ve decided that for my audition for American Idol Season 8, I’d share with y’all the story of Jacques Dubrinsky through the use of MIME!
Simon: Oh. My. God. Securi -
Sheridan: The missing brother to Mikhail, the prince of vampires, Jacques is himself a vampire! *makes hissing noises while curling her fingers into claws* of the Carpathian mountains. *claps hands summoning Juan who enters the audition room, naked and bloodied (and oiled) from the waist up as Sheridan dramatically flings the cape off her shoulders revealing a red velvet bustier, thigh high boots and a black tutu skirt* Who has been driven to the edges of his humanity by his tormentors, and saved ultimately, by the power of love.
Randy: *stares with mouth slightly agape*
Sheridan: For quite some time now, Jacques had been tortured by misguided humans who do not see vampires as incredibly sexy alpha males with whom the entire office of ripmybodice.com would love to have sexual relations with. With a stake in his chest (just missing the heart) and placed upright in a coffin; unable to heal, to feed or to endure much longer the torment to which he had been placed under, his mind cracks. *Juan stands motionless in the middle of the room, torment etched on his face as he thrashes his head from side to side while rivulets of fake blood flow down his chest*
But lo! And also, BEHOLD! Through the darkness, Jacques’s mind forges a connection with a beautiful American surgeon *Mimi enters the room suddenly and the camera pans to Simon who visibly perks up at the sight of Mimi’s …melons*. Come to me! He urges. FIND ME! He pleads. *Juan’s eyes widen suddenly and he stares unblinkingly at Mimi*. But alas, the beautiful American surgeon refuses his commands, thinking instead that she must be on the brink of a psychotic breakdown. STUPID B*TCH! Why do you not listen to the voice in your head? I hate you! And yet, I must love you, but why do you not come to free me? I want to kill you! While gently caressing your breast! Oh! The madness!! *Juan thrashes about while still staring at Mimi who runs around the room shaking her head vigorously*
Paula: *claps delightedly*
Sheridan: Seven years later sees Shea travelling to the Carpathian mountains, intent on finding more about this “blood disorder” that she has had since birth that also mysteriously causes her to react poorly to intense sunlight. *Mimi smacks the back of her hand to her forehead* Once there, she finds herself unable to resist any further the voice in her head and the images of a dark haired male, and drives for miles *Mimi makes driving motion with her hands* ; drawn to an abandoned house and compelled to dig through what looks like a compost heap *Mimi starts to dig* to find Jacques, all battered, bloody and surrounded by the dried up bloodless carcasses of small animals. *Mimi picks up imaginary dead rats and such other animals found in the forests of Transylvannia, and flings them over her shoulder with a look of acute distaste*. At once, Jacques comes to life and attacks Shea, seeking to kill her; his mind so confused, so hurt, and so angry. I am angry!!! thought Jacques *Juan pretends to choke Mimi* But this woman! And her breasts! *Mimi pushes her breasts together* (*Sheridan sees Simon lean forward in his chair*). Let me help you! I am an American doctor! A surgeon! I can help you, your wounds, and your salami *Mimi stares at Juan, beseechingly*
Compliant (but yet brimming with anger), Jacques relents *Sven nods*, and allows Shea to drag his body onto the back of the truck, and to tend to his wounds. But due to the intense torture he had suffered, Jacques is unable to determine whether Shea is the cause of his pain and thus, treats her poorly. *Sven is seen then berating Mimi and then shaking her about* Professional to the end, Shea puts aside the bastardy way that Jacques has been treating her; determined instead to ensure that her patient lives despite the fact that what he needs is a swift kick in the nuts, all the while desperately researching for a cure for her rare blood disorder. What Shea doesn’t know at this point is that she is a vampire! *Mimi makes hissing noises and bares her fake fangs* And that so is Jacques! Finally she comes around however and she comes to accept (albeit reluctantly at first) that she is Jacques’s lifemate *Sven holds Mimi close to him* and the two get it on *Mimi and Sven pretend to paw at each other*.
Simon: Okay look this has to stop.
Randy: Dude. That was insane. Good, but insane.
Simon: Randy, yes or no?
Randy: Err…..*mouth agape*
Simon: Okay Kara, yes or no?
Kara: You know what, I like you. There’s something about you that I like. I’m going to say yes.
Paula: Sheridan you know I love you. There’s something so special about you.
Sheridan: I love your Paula! Especially your necklace - can you get most of the cable channels with that?
Paula: ……
Simon: Okay. Look Sheridan, you’re a lovely girl but let’s face it. There’s no singing and this is a singing competition.
Sheridan: So…no golden ticket?
Simon: No sweetheart.
Sheridan: Do you even want to know how the story ends?
Simon: Not really.
Sheridan: *claps hands* Alright troops. Pack it in. Tell Lola to nixay the marching band, and the floats.
Julie Bo Boolie said,
March 11, 2009 @ 7:59 pm
LOL well you got my ticket! I’ll be adding this series to my wishlist now
Frannie said,
March 11, 2009 @ 9:44 pm
Ok, even though I have a violent aversion to mimes (*Frannie mimes retching/gagging*) you get my vote too. But I’m still not going to read that series - a more dour, humourless pack of alpha vampires I’ve yet to see. And I did love “I want to kill you! While gently caressing your breast!”
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
March 11, 2009 @ 10:05 pm
Ha! Thanks for the vote Julie! Dial, 1866-RIPMYBODICE-01 to vote! I’m not sure if you want to jump on the Christine Feehan bandwagon. Though if you’re looking for a new paranormal series to start on, I highly recommend Christine Warren’s The Others. Check back soon for the review of book 2!
“a more dour, humourless pack of alpha vampires I’ve yet to see.” - I have to agree with you there Frannie. Plus, though part of me is somewhat intrigued by Dr. whatshisface’s skating on thin ice thing with his humanity, I find myself a bit a bit creeped out that his soulmate is the love child of Mikhail and Raven. That’s like embryo snatching right there. PS - apologies for the mime routine. *mimes a deep bow*
lauren said,
March 13, 2009 @ 7:10 am
Actually, spekaing of good paranormal series have you girl’s read the Demonica series, I’d seriously love to know what you think of the demon brothers (in the biological not BDB meaning of brother).
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
March 13, 2009 @ 8:13 am
Hey Lauren! Book 1 has actually been sitting in my TBR pile for yonks. Haven’t gotten round to it but with yoru recommendation, it’ll be in my hands over the weekend. Check back soon for the review!
Renee said,
March 13, 2009 @ 11:12 am
Thanks for the revisit to the Carpathian mtns! In mime. That actually beats the audiobooks I listened to (which I think I’ve mentioned before.) I only made it to book 3 or 4 then. At which point I had my fill of baby heroines and bossy alphas. Don’t get me wrong. I love me a broody alpha. But, I’ll take a Nalini Singh Changeling over a Feehan vamp anytime.
If you’re curious, I actually found the audiosample for Dark Desires at Audible:
http://audible.edgeboss.net/download/audible/content/bk/bimo/000002/bk_bimo_000002_sample.mp3. It’s sort of a hoot to listen too, and the old school covers on the audiobooks are a hoot!
I would vote for Sheridan (and Juan) anytime!
Kate Pearce said,
March 13, 2009 @ 11:33 am
Very funny LOL!
Bridget Locke said,
March 13, 2009 @ 1:04 pm
I’m sooooo not sold on Christine Feehan. Her books give me a headache…or a nosebleed. Take your pick. *sigh*
I’m having one of those days today & needed a laugh. As always, you deliver. Thank you!
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
March 13, 2009 @ 1:26 pm
Renee - The audiosample caused a generous mouthfull of caramel latte to spray across my computer screen. Now if only we could do our reviews in audio! I don’t really know if the vampires in Feehan’s world could match up to any of the Alphas we obsess about here on RMB. I suppose that’s cos her books were written BBDB (before BDB) and Kresley Cole and what have you. At least, that’s what I tell myself.
Thanks Kate!
Anytime Bridget! (for the laugh, not the headache or nosebleed). I don’t think I can bring myself to read her third book. Have you read it?
lauren said,
March 13, 2009 @ 9:36 pm
Is BBDB the romance equal of BC?
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
March 13, 2009 @ 10:27 pm
For vampire romance it is! In my books anyway (*eyes dart around nervously for angry authors/fan girls/publishers*)
Lady L said,
March 20, 2009 @ 4:33 am
I loved it but how come first it was Juan pretending to be Jacques and then it was Sven??????
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
March 23, 2009 @ 2:13 pm
GAH! A typo.
But good spot Lady L! Would you be interested in interning for us in our newly set up Proof Readings R Us For No Pay But For The Love Of The RMB Girls department?
Mame said,
April 6, 2009 @ 5:36 pm
LOLOLOL! This was hysterical! What great dialogue. Maybe you should write a series and to heck with Christine Feehan. Speaking of her. I have read and/or listened to a majority of the Carpathian series and I don’t know, there is something about these silly stories. They are the best written books I have ever read and they are fairly repetetive but like Nora Roberts’ trilogy books I have gotten hooked on the whole group and want to know how it works out in the end.
This my first visit to ripmybodice and definitely not my last!
Have a great week
Mame