A hole in one
“Simply Sexual” by Kate Pearce
So after Sheridan’s little foray into erotica with Jaid Black, we had people emailing us e-books and suggestions of erotica that they thought would float our boat. (For MR ALBERT FANGOULI (if that is indeed your real name sir), your invitation was most unwelcome.) As Sheridan had an unfortunate incident the other day involving her 7-foot high TBR pile, a distracted Mimi chasing after Coco the French Bulldog and Sheridan ultimately being wedged under a pile of books with only her booties sticking out a la the Wicked Witch of the West, it has fallen to Lola, connoisseur of all things kinky, to read some of the offerings which have come our way.
With “Simply Sexual,” the concept is interesting enough. A regency-set erotic romance! Which features my 2 favourite elements of romance: erotica and a regency novel! Maybe it could also throw in Robert Pattinson, and I’m totally set. Anyway, “Simply Sexual” is really laying it out there as a title. No false advertising I can tell you that!
Miss Sara Harrison has a most rude introduction to Lord Valentin Sorkovsky, when he comes to her home to court her sister, and she catches him driving the love train into her maid’s tunnel instead. I admit to being a bit distracted everytime someone refers to him as Lord Sorkovsky, because I totally start thinking about Nicholas Sarkozy, which is a totally un-sexy image to have in your head I assure you. So I just think of him as Valentin instead, which is sexy, and picture Robert Pattinson, which is even sexier. Valentin is intrigued by Sara, and decides to offer for her. Sara happily acquiesces, because she’s always wanted to play choo choo with a man, and is real keen to blow the whistle on Valentin’s freight train.
Valentin does show sparks of being quite an engaging hero. He was formerly imprisoned in a Turkish harem for 10 years with his best friend Peter (pfft, isn’t everbody?), and eventually rescued, which leads him to have some strange tastes in the bedroom. So the sex scenes are red-hot, with Valentin placing jewels on Sara in ways that can’t be photographed for a Tiffany’s Christmas ad. But what a merry Christmas THAT would be.
As for Sara, I don’t think she has much depth; she’s really along for the ride of her life with Valentin and who can blame her? Don’t get me wrong, she’s not annoying or anything. Just that for a supposedly 19th-century heroine, she adapts to the concept of having her girls pierced and a jade dildo used on her with remarkable ease. But hey, if I had a hot 19th century nobleman who wanted to tie me up and do all sorts of illegal things to my person, I’d be a frisky little hen too! I’d just stand there, butt nekked, going, “Cluck me! Cluck me!” *looks around* Oops. Didn’t realise I had an audience. Anyway, I’m pretty sure the only hidden depth Sara has is the one that Valentin is happily plunging into every night. Just sayin’.
The plot’s a bit thin though, because we basically zoom from one sex scene to the next. If that’s the kind of thing you’re after, and admittedly I sometimes totally am, then this is a pretty good erotica. There are a couple of scenes though, when Sara is feeling lonesome for Valentin, so she settles for the jade dildo. You know if it was me and I was bored and lonely because my true love had gone on a business trip, I’d watch Gossip Girl and eat a tub full of coffee ice-cream, but maybe that’s just me.
And what would a good erotica be without a ménage? So Sara decides to prove to Valentin that she doesn’t hold his past against him, and engages in a groovy kind of love with Valentin and his BFF, Peter. (Somehow I suspect that BFF doesn’t just stand for Best Friend Foreva in this relationship.)
And there’s one part which I really don’t get. Which is where Valentin and Peter think that it would be a good idea to bend Sara backwards like a pretzel, so that both of them can… hmm *taps lip thoughtfully.* How should I put this delicately? Oh yeah, have both their gophers down the same hole. Does that even work?! Anatomically speaking I mean. I’ve read lots of books (and I mean lots) where both the guys are getting jiggy with the girl and they basically look like this: http://www.worldofstock.com/closeups/BEN2408.php, but they usually don’t need to share certain orifices if you get what I mean. Each man gets one (sometimes there are three of them) and everybody’s happy. Don’t get me wrong, it was fascinating to read about, but unless both Valentin and Peter are hung like fruit flies, I don’t get how they can go digging in the same channel of love. And as Valentin points out, if Sara has twins, one of them’s going to be named after Peter. Hunh. I hope they have boys then.
But other than a couple of scratch your head moments, you’ll be pleased to know that this is a rather hot erotica, with nary a hatching egg in sight! And Valentin is quite a solid specimen of hot scrummy goodness. Progress is definitely being made people. It’s a kinky Christmas miracle!
Alexandra said,
December 18, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
Loved the picture!! Wasn’t sure what to expect when I clicked on it but that certainly wasn’t on the list! I might have to try this book. I don’t usually go for erotica, but I have read too many books lately that have almost no sex that maybe I need one with a lot to make up for them!
Happy Holidays! ?
Alexandra said,
December 18, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
That question mark was not there when I submitted that post! weird…
jenny said,
December 18, 2008 @ 9:52 pm
La lola you’re so wrong for Nicolas Sarkozy’s and the love train parts you had me laughing so hard i was almost kicked out the library (you’re bad girl!)
Gwizz said,
December 19, 2008 @ 2:49 am
Oh man - its not until the end of your review that I finally understood the title of the review… yuck and ewwwww. surely something would er.. rip? makes me feel weird just thinking about it.. I hope the rest made up for that weirdness..
Kate Pearce said,
December 19, 2008 @ 4:53 am
I always get the most fabulous images of my readers bending themselves and their significant others into pretzel shapes to see whether something is indeed anatomically possible. Personally, to get all this fascinating information I ask very personal questions of people I know who do this kind of stuff. And if all else fails, there are always the erotic images from Asian and Indian historical art (which is where I found that particular combination). I don’t think they’d let me show you that picture LOL
And personally, I think Peter is a lovely name for a girl
Cheers Rippers, I’m all for a kinky Christmas!
Kate x
Lady L said,
December 20, 2008 @ 9:05 am
LOL this one sound real interesting, it’s really hard to find good historical erotica, will try to find this book. Although I don’t enjoy when heroes are having sex with other women in books (I know I’m a prude)
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OMG did the actual author come and comment????? Isn’t that just the coolest?
Kuddos Kate Pearce and danke for letting us know that it actually is anatomically posible because you did your research.
La Lola said,
December 23, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
Goddammit, spambots attacked AGAIN!
Lady L, here’s your comment: I don’t mind menage stories, mostly when they are about men who are commited to a woman, not so much when a male is introduced only to spice up a relationship wich seems to be the case, for example I really liked reading Colter’s Woman by Maya Banks wich is a book about a woman who has three destined heroes (how nice for her!), it’s a contemporary erotica with some suspense. I’ve read m/m stories too and liked them, wherever there is love in written form I’m there to read about it.
And my response, which I mentioned before, is that I am a traditionalist, so I still prefer a straight up M/F couple without any other sockets/ adapters/ plugs coming into place. But Emma Holly writes good M/M/F couplings!
La Lola said,
December 23, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
And in quick reply (for the second time):
Happy holidays Alexandra! May you be in a position to jingle your beloved’s bells this blessed time of year!
Gwizz, golfing images aside, you’re right. Sara had a really occupied um, hole. That’s so gross having to say it, but it’s true. I must admit, it was one of the more interesting sex scenes I’ve read in a while. And at least it beats hatching eggs.
Merry Christmas Kate! And anytime you want to throw Peter’s story our way, please feel free!