Darling! Tartan is so last season
“The Devil Wears Tartan” by Karen Ranney
Because Davina lifted her skirts and lost her cherry
To the Devil of Ambrose she had to marry
Though she knew him not before their wedding day
She had “no choice”, “no hope” for societal redemption; no way!
“What man would agree to marry before we meet dear Aunt?
For a relationship built on love and trust is what I want!”
Davina’s cries went unheard and to Scotland she went to meet her fate
And saw him standing by the altar, her eyes widened when she noted her future mate
Apparently so good looking, she thought she must still be dreaming
“Why, what a good looking recluse” she thought, inwardly beaming.
Little did she know, Marshall is known as “the Devil” for a reason
And it is not because he goes through women like the changing seasons.
For apparently Marshall is plagued by demons when he sleeps
Ghosts and monsters around him creep
He dreams of blood gushing through the wall
And in the dark of night with a window pane he would brawl
None though of his nightly screams, howls, cuts he would remember
His reputation though as the Mad Earl would not fade into a dying ember
To gain a male heir thus he had his secretary dispatched to find a willing bride
And was most pleased upon seeing Davina’s hide
For beautiful she is, and pleasing to his eye
He ’twas fillled with lust and let out a gusty sigh
For torn between wanting to bed her and to protect her from his nightly haunts
Marshall was tormented but yet his naked body he did flaunt
Into Davina’s room to consumate the marriage
But sadly this did not lead to a baby and carriage
For Marshall promptly fled her room
And spent most nights in solitude
Feeling lonely and missing the salami
Davina one night snuck into Marshall’s room and almost ran crying to her mommy
Mattresses piled against each wall that came up to Marshall’s height
Because at night Marshall’s demons would fight
Until he screamed and cried and felt like he would soon die
And so to Davina he continued to lie
About the horrors that he had suffered in China where he was tortured and forced to choose
Which amongst his men would be sent to the hangman’s noose
In love with Marshall after just one session of nookie
Davina desperate tries to prove to Marshall that he isn’t one chocolate chip short of a cookie
“You’re not mad for sure
Just…confused and unloved; nothing a romp in the sheets can’t cure!”
And so around Marshall’s Egyptian House she would stalk
And tried to get him to kiss her when he wouldn’t talk
But Marshall ’s insistence that he was flawed
Finally sent Davina packing through the door
When Davina went away Marshall might as well have had himself fitted
Because soon after his devious, traitorous uncle had him committed
To an institution where he thought himself back in China, in his little smelly cell
But fear not because on Davina he had cast a little “love spell”
For soon as she had heard what had happened to her lover
She tried to spring him free with the help of his butler
An odious little warden did she meet who was most unwilling
For to set Marshall free would be to part with all the shillings
And so Davina began her nightly camp
Outside the institution’s walls did she tromp around like a hardworking tramp
Sending Marshall secret codes to let him know she was near
But really actually Davina had nothing to fear
For you see apparently Marshall had been drugged all along
His night visions a result of the wine he had been drinking for so long
Drugged by the headmistress of the household whom Marshall had once used to bed
And fancied herself in love with him, and with him she had wished to wed
To keep him by her side for all his days
She thus rendered him useless so he would from her not stray
“I always knew it was the wine! I knew it! I are genius!” cried Sheridan she
“Whatever Sheri” replied Mimi, not looking up from her collection of fossilised bees
“You suck Mimi!” Sheridan said not before slamming the door
And pondered what kind of hallucinatory drug caused Marshall’s mind to soar
For this drug apparently can be rid from one’s system in no less than 3 days
Amazing! Since apparently poor Marshall’s condition lasted for no less than two years did stay
In the end, everybody got their happy ending
But really dear reader, if I were you, on this book my money would not be spending
For I have told you everything you needed to know about this book and perhaps a little bit more
And truth be told this one, this book, was a little bore
So read it at your own peril! Don’t say I didn’t warn
Cos really with this one, the loss of my dollars I did mourn
Bridget Locke said,
November 18, 2008 @ 9:58 am
LOL! I gotta tell ya, I love these poems you all put on here. Crack me up! And I will NOT be reading this book, thanks to you.
Lauren said,
November 18, 2008 @ 10:21 am
The guy on the cover kind of looks silly anyway.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
November 18, 2008 @ 11:13 am
Thanks Bridget! The poems are a lot of fun to do so I’m glad you enjoy them! Also, the book is really strange. Like seriously. What kind of wine is this?! Plus the unexpected twist at the end as well (the part I left out in the review) completely blindsided me.
Lauren I agree. He looks like one of the extras in Zoolander who met a fiery end at the gas station and flitted off into the great pink designer boutique in the sky!
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
November 22, 2008 @ 12:24 pm
[I WOKE UP, AND ALL OUR COMMENTS WERE GONE!!!
Sheridan hates spam bots. And reposts your comments respectively below:]
Tracy: What a great way to review a book. Funny and informative. lol Good job.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
November 22, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
[Somebody help us with the bots! *Fires a flare gun*]
Lauren: Holy cow, I couldn’t remember the name, that was the movie I was thinking of when I saw that expression on his face
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
November 22, 2008 @ 12:26 pm
[But please don't stop your comments!]
Gummy Bear: *drool* cookies. (I thought “the devil wears tartan” was your funny tagline.. not the real title! hee)