In search of the answer to the ultimate question “How Do I Snare Me A Hot Man?” Lola and Sheridan have traversed the globe for no place is too far, nor mountain too high for them or their band of merry Sherpas (on whose shoulders their LV trunks lay). Their unquenchable thirst for this knowledge has since led them to one of the highest mountain tops in the furthest regions of inner China, and to a man the locals know only as Shifu.

There, they found a man with a beard of flowing white, looking at them solemnly. “Look Sheridan, it’s Gandalf!” cried Lola in wonder. “Don’t be an idiot Lola,” hissed Sheridan. “It’s Dumbledore!”

“I am the one you seek, the man they call Shifu,” said the man peevishly, glaring at them.

“O wise Shifu!” cried Sheridan and Lola, gesturing at the sherpas to put pillows on the ground so that they could kneel on them. “We have crossed a million oceans and climbed the highest mountains on the backs of these here sherpa men just to ask you, what is the secret to finding true love? And by true love, we mean a romance hero come to life.”

“This is a question to which many have sought my counsel. With such knowledge comes great power and with such great power comes great responsibility” murmured the man, stroking his beard while staring down Sheridan and Lola. “Oooh. Is that like a great saying passed down through the generations?” enquired Sheridan, enthusiastically jotting down the wise words in her lambskin notebook. “No, that’s from Spiderman. My cable’s stuck on HBO. Tomorrow cable man come to fix channel. Finally I’ll be able to find out what happened on Big Brother” replied the Shifu, pointing a long finger at the huge satellite dish anchored by the side of the mountain.

“Okaaay. So tell us O knowledgeable one! We’re more than able to bear the many burdens of responsibility for this is a question that has plagued us both and we will not rest until we find out the secret and are resting comfortably in the strong muscular arms of our Alpha Males” exclaimed Lola, throwing her hands in the air in supplication and bowing respectfully at the Shifu’s feet.

The wise man disentangled himself from both Sheridan and Lola who had by this time, curled themselves around his legs and strolled to the bubbling brook. “The answers to the question you ask are tenfold and lay in a secret scroll written by Confucius himself! Yes, young grasshoppers, the end of your quest is close but you must prove yourselves worthy by correctly answering this riddle of mine. Now, answer me this:

I can sizzle like bacon,
I am made with an egg,
I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg,
I peel layers like onions, but still remain whole,
I can be long, like a flagpole, yet fit in a hole
What am I?” [*Email us for the answer]

Sheridan and Lola eyed Shifu dubiously. “I’m guessing the answer’s something dirty. Anyway, this is our answer,” replied Sheridan, handing over an envelope full of cash.

Shifu peered inside the envelope. “Good answer.” And so saying, he handed over a scroll of wisdom. Reverently, Sheridan and Lola received the scrolls and unrolling them, began to read:

10 ways to snare your lover by Confucius

1. Confucius say, early bird catch snake, but snake no respect bird for being early, so snake crawl far away. Be not like other easy bird, who want to play with snake of hero and so have fun-fun with hero’s snake early. You be late bird then snake want to crawl into warm nest of late bird.

2. Confucius say, read the book as well as the cover and train yourself up in the ways of the literature so that you may engage the mind of the man. A woman who is able to challenge the mind and spirit of a man shall see and experience great hardening of the bamboo plant for the soul of a man lies not with just a pretty face and an empty well-used vessel.

3. Confucius say, wear dress that is cut low in front, so that your mandarin oranges be within easy reach. Then hero’s mind be fogged with lust and passionate desire. Hero be like crouching tiger and chase away other men, so that only he have honor of being hidden dragon chasing your magic pearl.

4. Confucius say, that before you embark on a journey of revenge, you must dig two graves but not before enlisting the help of a dangerously good looking male by offering your unplucked flower as a snowy sacrifice. With this, your life will be long and prosperous for the path of danger will no longer be upon you as your enemies will be smote down by a smooth yet mighty column of strength and you will be living in the dwelling house of peachy bliss. Confucius call this, “killing two birds with one stone”

5. Confucius say, be patient with hero, who have been wounded by Sucka Sucka Bitch Whore in past. He erect (do not giggle at Confucius!) Great Wall around his heart, but a smart fortune cookie heroine can scale the wall by many ways, like displaying her mandarin oranges or using big hammer to break up Great Wall. You be rewarded in happy ways, when hero love you long time. Go find big hammer now! Maybe hero have one. You check.

6. Confucius say, wheresoever you go, go with all your heart; especially when you are lying on your back. A cold koi doth not a warm bed make but result instead in slimy bed and a dead fish.

7. Confucius say, a hero who come back from battlefield have many scars and nightmares, because he no listen to good friend of Confucius, Sun Tzu. Smart fortune cookie heroine must tell hero he not responsible for death of many soldiers and horse during war. And must tell hero that loud noise is not sound of cannon, but firecracker so stop jumping like scared baby.

8. Confucius say train your younger siblings up in the way of trouble. That way you will have excuse for seeking help from very good looking and obscenely wealthy man and for appearing at his dwelling house in the middle of the night with your ample dumplings on display. Confucius hear some say money is the root of all evil. Confucius say, sometimes there is exception.

9. Confucius say, that man must embrace nature and harmony will result. Man must not therefore separate himself from his inner beast but man who wants to lie with beast must be killed.

10. Confucius say, wait in lobby of building housing wealthy industrialist billionaire. Then when he go out for lunch, you fall and he embrace you tightly like giant panda with bamboo. But do not tell him you know who he is, because rich people want to be loved for reason other than money, like looks. Hide copy of Wall Street Journal with his photo, and let him think you are the sweet to his sour. Together, sweet and sour chicken live happy forever.


Sheridan looks up from the scroll, reverent tears of joy in her eyes at the knowledge that her life’s travels and the countless many airsick bags had been well worth it. Prostrating herself once more on the feet of Shifu, she exclaimed “Oh Shifu, truly you ar–” “Hey wait a minute! What does this scratching at the back of the scroll say?” exclaimed Lola, running to Sheridan. Squinting against the light, Sheridan reads “Made. IN. CHINA.” Instantly, Lola lets out a warcry “Sherpas attack!!!!!”