1. While out sailing the treacherous seas, the dashing and sinister pirate lord raids another vessel and captures all onboard, including a rather badly disguised cabin boy. But due to overexposure to the sun, the pirate lord is a bit out of it, and so fails to recognize that the spunky, feisty cabin boy is actually an aristocratic lady who has disguised herself in the hopes of avoiding ravishment at the hands of the dashing and sinister pirate lord (Why God why??) The stupid, aristocratic incognito young lady ends up drawing more attention to herself when she repeatedly tries to grab at the pirate lord’s sword. After questioning his inappropriate response to the feisty cabin boy and fearing that he has spent too many days at sea without A Woman, the pirate lord discovers the truth when he stumbles onto the cabin boy freeing her breasts from confinement. (”How dare you come barging in here without knocking!” “How dare you not tell me you have breasts!”) Filled with great relief, and thus deciding to fill the heroine with something else, the pirate lord consummates their resplendent love. But it is revealed that his life is in danger because he is actually a duke who’s being targeted by his greedy cousin. He then leaves the heroine back in London, as he is fighting his feelings for her, and because she has a tendency to get sea-sick. But the pirate lord finds himself unable to forget her, and sails back to London. She is by now the diamond of the season, and the pirate lord is filled with dismay and jealous passion. Will the pirate lord be able to win her back? Will the heroine be able to overcome her mal de mer? Will the heroine always suspect that her husband is sexually confused? Proposed title: Sea of Love     


2. Having just escaped from a maximum security detention centre in the middle of the rockies, he is barely alive (thanks to a gunshot wound to his shoulder by one of the guards), delirious from hunger and the lack of A Woman. While lost amidst the harsh terrain, he spots a tiny cabin and smells the unmistakenable scent of freshly baked bread and a curvy woman. Desperate to escape her high pressured job as an ER doctor, she escapes into the mountains; to the cabin where she and her daddy had built and spent many joyful childhood summers, until daddy was mauled by a bear. Compelled and drawn to the undeniably handsome man who had collapsed on her doorstep, she sets out to remove the bullet wound in his shoulder and sew him back up, using unconventional items found around her tiny log cabin. Staying with him throughout the fevered days and nights that follow, she cannot help but be drawn to his chiseled jawline and silky locks, and wonders who he is, and how he came to her doorstep. When he comes to, he is grateful to the good doctor for saving his life, but yet suspicious of her. “Will she call the cops on me?” He wonders. “I wonder if she knows I haven’t had a woman in two long years and that I’ve seen enough dangly manly bits to last me a lifetime.” He wonders next. Then, “Why is a bear’s head used as a base for a coffee table?” Within days, the two consummate their lust for each other on a bearskin rug and quickly fall in love. Reality however, soon rears its ugly head. Will she turn him away when she finds out that he in fact is the innocent and wrongly convicted pharmaceutical billionaire? Will he clear his name? Will their love survive the rocky mountains? Proposed title: Let love be your bearing

3. As a medieval knight and feudal landowner, he is the fearless leader of thousands of men. Why is then that he cannot control one small and feisty woman? One small woman who is the daughter of his arch nemesis, whom he is forced to marry in a political marriage on the orders of his king. She is a novice who has been locked away in a convent her entire life, but you’d never be able to tell this from the way she gladly sheathes his sword. As anger and prejudice turn to love and she sets out to make his castle a welcoming home, he adores her but finds himself unable to trust her completely, believing that her allegiance lies with her father. Through a series of misunderstandings, he turns against her, even going so far as to play sheathe the sword with the castle wench. (But he finds that with another woman, his sword is rusty and cannot be sheathed.) Unable to bear the agony of believing that his love has betrayed him, he returns her to her father, accompanying her with his legions of men because he wants to be in her company for as long as possible before they part forever. Tragedy ensues when they are ambushed by the real traitor and caught in the middle of battle, she is fatally wounded trying to save him. Weeping over her body and aching with regret and despair, his agony touches the heart of a magical fairy, who restores her to life, thus allowing this to be marketed as a paranormal and infinitely more saleable. Proposed title: The Tall Dark and Handsome Ages

4. As CEOs of rival companies, the hero and heroine have never come face to face, but when they cross paths at a glamorous corporate event, sparks, words and articles of clothing fly. Both of them are gunning for the same deal, not realizing that spies have been planted in the hero’s company to halt his meteoric rise to the top. As boardroom antics are taken into the bedroom, the hero and heroine find it difficult to keep their eyes, hands and assorted other body parts off each other. When the heroine looks meaningfully into the hero’s eyes and fondles a stapler, he’s driven insane with lust. And when the hero inserts a pencil into one of those electronic sharpeners and growls with desire, the heroine’s ready to tear off her Chanel suit. But drama arises when the hero realizes there’s a mole in his organization and begins to suspect his lover of being the one responsible. Overcome with furious hurt, he drives her away, not realizing the truth. When he does comes to his senses she has left for an extended working trip to France. Undaunted, he pursues her across the Atlantic, and in a scene of great emotional intensity and wet hankies, begs her forgiveness beneath the chiming bells of Big Ben (the greatest phallic symbol around) Proposed title: Ball Street

5. He, an outrageously handsome and manly firefighter. She, a serial pyromaniac who has set her house on fire. He saves her from the burning building and carries her to safety with his bare muscular arms as she cries into his chest “Boo! Now I have nowhere to live!” Touched by her beauty and plight (and that he somehow knew she was a virgin), he takes her in and lets her play with his matchstic.. umm… torch. His sooty face and charred eau de parfum attracts her like a moth to a flame. He lusts after her flaming hot body and her passionate burning personality, but no, he cannot have her - he  cannot take advantage of the vulnerability of an arson victim. As she learns not to burn his house and to use the electric stove, she sees his heart is encased in ice. Can she melt the chilly icicles he throws at her? Can he overcome his professional responsibility and let the flame thrower out? Will he let her be the gasoline to his matchstic.. torch? Things are going to get pretty hot! Proposed title: Cum On Baby, Light My Fire

6. Deep in the labyrinth of the opera house, the tortured musical genius resides in his Lair of Despair. He is fair of face, beautiful of form, and has a really big dong. He just lives underground because his favourite animal is the mole. One day he hears the enchanting voice of a young opera singer. Making his way to the surface, he spies the beautiful singer, whose melodious voice echoes across the theatre, as she practices a classic piece. “I’m telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)/ But you keep fronting (Uh)/ Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh)/ But I ain’t seen nothing (Uh).” The lyrics call out to the artiste in his soul, and also fill him with the urge to rearrange her clothing. He kidnaps her and brings her down to his enchanted grotto, where he hopes that she will loosen up her buttons enough to allow him to explore HER magical grotto. Fear turns to love, as she tries to convince him to make a life with her in a world with natural light. “There is nothing wrong with your beautiful face!” she cries, clasping said face to her heaving dove-white bosom. “I cannot!” he cries in anguish, pulling away from her. “One of my eyebrows is higher than the other! I am a beast! How could you ever bear to face me?” The intrepid heroine, puzzled by this, thinks he has another meaning. “Err… ok,” she says, turning around and bending over. “Is this better my love?” Not wanting to lose a woman who is the other half of his soul, and who is willing to bend over for him at the drop of a hat, he finally emerges with her into the light. However they find that the world has been taken over by mutant mole-people, and they have no choice but to go back underground. Proposed title: Tunnel of Love

7. He is an intergalatic mercenary known only as Glide. His ruthlessness, dangerous good looks and hard chisled body have been whispered fervently throughout the galaxies. Privy to a sinister plot to overthrow King Radio Star Revolution of his home planet Funky Town, he is compelled to do what is right to save the universe and the father of the love of his life, Princess Dance Dance to prevent the wretched villian Video from killing the Radio Star. Though he has not seen her for many years (since banishment from Funky Town for daring to kiss the cherry lips of the Princess), he spends his nights dreaming about her, her smooth skin and ample bosom, thinking of her every time he sees a lighted arrow. To achieve this, he must search the dangerous planet known as Earth for the only weapon known that may defeat Video: The Large Smooth Impaler. Unbeknowst to him, Dance Dance was herself, searching for The Large Smooth Impaler, having dreamed constantly about its broad length and gleaming tip. Unfortunately while she was trying to figure out her next steps, she was caught unawares and landed in the hands of the villian Video (she had been caught unawares while reminiscing about Glide, the man she knows lovingly as Astro). Upon hearing that his lady love has been taken hostage and having failed in his task of locating The Large Smooth Impaler on Planet Earth, Astro rages out and tears his ship apart with his bare hands in a fit of anger. Realising soon after that he is now without transport back to Funky Town, he begs passersby “Please. Won’t you take me to *pause* Funky Town?” Will our hero reach Funky Town in time? Will learn in time that he is The Large Smooth Impaler that will defeat Video? Will Dance Dance and Glide rekindle their love in a symphony of love making noises? Proposed Title: Please don’t stop the music

8. As the king of the werewolves living in the wilds of the Colorado mountains with his own pack, he has resisted the attempts of the resident bitch in heat to become his mate. Until one day while hunting in wolf form, he is caught in a trap. He is later rescued by a beautiful biologist who is studying wolves for her thesis, and she brings him back to her cabin. At night, while she is curled up in slumber, she has strange dreams of an amber-eyed dark-haired man who comes to her and is a real animal in bed. Waking up the next morning, she is alarmed to discover that the wolf has disappeared and a ring of pee surrounds her bed, left there because he has marked her as his. When she discovers the existence of a community of werewolves, she is at first frightened, then intrigued by the game of dominance the Werewolf Alpha is determined to play. Our lovers spend many nights together doing a sexy role-play of “The 3 little pigs” “Let me come in!” cries the Big Bad Wolf. “If not I’ll huff and puff and blow you!” But she must first fend off the jealous machinations of the werewolf bitch, and come to grips with the fact that her beloved’s idea of romance is to bring her a rabbit carcass. How will they make a life together away from indoor plumbing where the only raw food is sushi? Will his bite turn her into a werewolf or just give her rabies? Proposed Title: Who wants to play with the Big Bad Wolf

9. “Senorita, may I trim your bushes?” Those were the words he first said to her - the seed that would grow into the tree that would be their love. The Hero, a  bronzed and always topless Italian gardener, skilled at shears and the plow. The Heroine, a distressed former Miss Ohio searching for the actor of a particular TV show (airs Tuesdays night at 10pm on Channel 3) rumoured to be having a little tryst with a foot model. The Place, a sprawling villa on the shores of Lake Como (the only rental available) near the hotel said actor is rumoured to be at. Miss Ohio 1998, binoculars dangling from the neck, confides and cries on the huge muscular shoulders of the Hero. The Hero takes his industrial size spade out and plows Miss Ohi.. the land, making things pretty to cheer her up - “I make for you the love garden, amore.” He explores the bushes of the Garden of Eden and fertilises the land making her see bursts of sunflowers and bursts of sunflowers and then bursts of sunflowers again. Will the former pageant winner take off her camo and forget about the Twin Peaks hasbeen? Will the Hero find the grapes on the vine that is the former Miss Ohio juicy and succulent or dried up and raisin-like? Will the wannabe Mr Hollywood mow through the budding romance of the lovers when he finds out the foot model has corns? Will the plant loving Michelangelo-esque (save that the hose is alot bigger and longer on the Hero) sue the crap out of the soap drama loser when he trespasses on the villa which is actually owned by the Gleaming Gardening God? The twists and turns of the vines of this story will have you turning the leaves of the book with anticipation. Proposed title: Sowing the Seeds of Love

10. He was given orders to collect the Jewel, a prize won on the battlefields on which he bled, for the King. The fiercest and strongest warrior known throughout the land, the Hero storms a castle and seeks out the Jewel. “Where is the Jewel which my King seeks!” he bellows. A soft feminine voice calls out, “It is here, m’lord.” The Hero breaks down the door (because he hasn’t learnt what doorknobs are for) and beholds a beautiful fair skinned princess with gleaming hair and a name tag that says “Hi, my name is Jewel and I am a virgin.” Stunned by the bling bling beauty of the princess, the Hero stammers “You’re the Jewel?” Nodding politely and showing some leg, the Princess throws herself at the big strong Warrior very willingyly, “Take me.” The journey back to the King is arduous and long. The Hero spends much of the time rubbing the Jewel, polishing her over and over until she was hot, and then prodding at the hot Jewel with a stick. A big stick. It dawns on him that he has to give up the Jewel to the King and let him take her as his wife. Can he give up the one thing that shines in his life? Can the Jewel live with herself, never once feeling the grip of the ring setting that is the Hero? Will the Hero forsake honour for love? Proposed title: My Precioussssss…