Tale as old as time
“Lord of Scoundrels” by Loretta Chase
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. But unlike other heirs, the young prince was not beloved by his royal parents. The young prince’s mother fled from the kingdom with her lover, abandoning the young prince. And his father, repulsed by the young prince’s rather large probiscus, exiled the prince to a barren and hostile land known as Eton. There, the young prince was put through much trials and tribulations at the hands of the other young nobles like having his head dunked in a latrine, and being called such epithets as “Big Beak” and “Devil” given his rather large olfactory organ. And so the young prince, determined to live up to his name of the Devil’s Son, decided to be the most spoiled, selfish and unkind man around. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the young prince tried to disguise his self-doubt by trifling with many, many ladies in his kingdom, before moving to conquer the women in a neighbouring kingdom known as France. If he could learn to love another (and not just play with her enchanted rose), and earn her love in return, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?
Enter Jessica Trent, a beautiful maiden, sister to the village idiot Bertie. Unlike other maidens in the land however, Jessica is independent, intelligent, and fiery; having learnt early on that her brother was the sole keeper of the village’s Dunce Cap and thus, forced to take charge of the family’s finances. Between doing whatever it is such fair maidens do, Jessica spends her free time hunting for antique treasures at stores and fairs, and turns them over for a pretty penny in order to keep the family estate intact and maintain Bertie’s extravagent lifestyle. It is at such an antique store that she meets the young prince in all his Conker glory, and where she manages to purchase an almost priceless painting from under the prince’s nose (not a difficult thing to do) for a song. Both the fair maiden and the young price deny their mutual attraction from the onset, each determined to ignore the other (though one dost imagine it would be difficult to ignore a man who has a nose like Bert). Like most fairy tales (of the non-mother goose variety) go however, the fair maiden and the young prince are however caught in a compromising situation in the garden at a ball.
The young prince is furious and refuses to be taken for a fool. “I am furious and refuse to be taken for a fool!” he cries, stomping off into the night. Evidently, the young prince most assuredly does not display princely behaviour, and is more like the beast he is reputed to be. But Jessica, not content to sleep and wait for her prince to go smoochy-smoochy and break the spell with his kiss, grabs her magical instrument of fire (aka a gun) and tracks down the young prince. Surrounded by his courtiers, Jessica takes aim at his arm and shoots him, before stalking off. The young prince, addled by the gunshot to his arm (which might have ricocheted and lodged in his brain) vowed that he would have none other than Jessica the spirited maiden, and rushes to propose marriage to his beloved beauty.
For this is a story of true love evermore, the fair and patient Jessica accepts the young prince’s hand in marriage, and when night fell upon their marriage day, he showed her his moat and the dragon which lay beneath. Tragically for young and innocent Jessica, there was more moat than dragon but as she had never seen either before, was most pleased at the wonderous sight. And so they lived and loved in their domain until the day Jessica doth meet the love child of the young prince; sired from the loins of one of the many paid ladies the young prince had preferred in his youth. A spitting image of Big Beak himself, the young child had spent many a years terrorizing the villagers with his unruly behaviour and fast feet. Where others sought to spear the wild childlike creature with pitchforks and spears chanting “Kill The Beast! Kill The Beast!”, her lady Jessica found pity in the young child and was determined to reunite father and son.
But the Beast, horrified by this reflection of himself, refused to acknowledge the wee beastie as his, insisting that it was the spawn of the devil. (Sadly, it appears that calling the boy such would make the Beast the Devil does not appear to have crossed his mind.) Jessica, saddened that the Beast had not learned to love someone other than himself, withdrew to her tower and no longer danced around the castle in song, conversing with the cutlery and dishes. The Beast was fearful that Jessica would soon leave him and his solitary castle, and return to her village (aka London). Although Jessica never refused the Beast when he came to her tower each night and tried to convince her that she should sing “Be Our Guest” to his dragon, her heart was encased in ice. He was filled with despair, and his only consolation was that Jessica never denied him access to her enchanted rose. And so the Beast, being rather high-strung and melodramatic, roared and raged and threatened to kill himself should she leave him. But Jessica, being a practical woman adept with dealing with all manner of beasts, put her foot down and insisted that the Beast accept his progeny.
In a swirl of great reluctance, the prince charged into the local tavern to save his young offspring from the hands of his “spread them easy” mother and was just in time to save his son’s life. Having spent the next few tender hours with his son over the chamber pot, the young boy melted the heart of our Nosey prince though destroying his boots by way of a royal oral discharge and the prince rode back to his lady love with his young son in tow. And so, the prince who was loved by no one, and who loved none, learnt to love and lived happily ever after. The End.
Christine said,
July 18, 2008 @ 9:38 pm
I have to say that this makes me wonder why I read romance at all. I’m not kidding.
Dulce said,
July 19, 2008 @ 12:19 am
LOL! I remember Big Beak’s spawn delighted at running around his dad’s manor nude and peeing all over the place.
Lady L said,
July 19, 2008 @ 11:19 pm
OMG I think I’m gonna read it just to see the beast roar lol.
It actually sounds like a fun story.
What’s with the ugly heroes though??? Big Beak , Hersey Face???? When did we start pining over ugly guys, aren’t enough of them in real life??? Anyhoo, I’ll read it.
Lady L said,
July 19, 2008 @ 11:21 pm
Shoot, it’s not “hersey face” is “horsey face” (from Elizabeth Hoyt’s upcoming book)
Gummy Bear said,
July 20, 2008 @ 10:22 am
“I want much more than this provincial life….!!!” *cough* *ahem* umm… probiscus?? sounds very dirty!!! i might have to read this book to hear this rendition of “be our guest” but yes… i have to agree.. this new breed of ugly hero/heroine is not always my cup of tea - bony feet and ropey calves!! (more Hoyt)
La Lola said,
July 20, 2008 @ 11:00 pm
Apparently “Lord of Scoundrels” is widely regarded as one of the best romances ever written! I admit. It’s pretty good. Funny and engaging. But is it a “Paradise” or even a SEP at the top of her form? Mais non!
La Lola said,
July 20, 2008 @ 11:24 pm
And Lady L and Gummybear: I totally agree! Romance novels are all about fantasy anyway! So I don’t see why we can’t get drop dead gorgeous heroes who make Brad Pitt look like a candidate for Extreme Makeover!
Lady L said,
July 21, 2008 @ 1:07 am
Totally Lola.
I had to amend something though! Scarred heroes are a totally different story for me, men who have “courage marks” or are scarred are fine by me, aka Zsadist, de Raaf, the hero from One Night with You by Sophie Jordan and many more, are okay cause they are gorgeous men who were scarred but naturally butt-ugly-born heroes I don’t care for.
Dulce said,
July 21, 2008 @ 5:10 am
Well when I read Lord of Scoundrels I pictured Antonio Sabato as the hero. I mean come on his only bad physical attribute was his nose. Since he was half Italian I pictured the former CK underwear model as him.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
July 21, 2008 @ 8:45 am
Dulce I like the way you think! Where *is* Antonnio Sabato Jr. now anyways? (if you have him locked up in your basement I’ll be comin’ round to visit very very soon)
Dulce said,
July 22, 2008 @ 12:37 am
Sheridan, after his participation in Celebrity Circus and General Hospital Night Shift I absconded the Italian Stallion to an undisclosed tropical location.
Alice said,
July 22, 2008 @ 3:58 am
I don’t need romance novels anymore. I only need this blog *clutches computer screen to very tiny chest*
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
July 22, 2008 @ 9:35 am
Dulce that “undisclosed tropical location” had better be my backyard! Do not underestimate my tracking skills. For after reading Sarah McCarty’s “Wild” series about jaw droppingly sexy Alpha werewolves who like to spank their women, I have been training myself to be part wolf so that I may ensnare one meself.
Aww Alice, cheers for that lovely compliment! *holds up a beer keg*
Shannon said,
August 2, 2008 @ 5:01 am
Hey! I really liked this book! Anyway, I didn’t really think he was ugly. Sure as a kid he was supposed to be unattractive, but I thought he was supposed to have grown into his features. He just forever has a mental image of himself as a child.
I thought Jessica was a hoot. I loved how he was all “You will listen to what I tell you!!!!” and she was all “Yeah, I listened, but I think you are dumb.”
Great re-telling, though. I’m glad I read the book before I read your post. I would have had music constantly running through my head! “tale as old as time! True as it can beeeeeee!”
La Lola said,
August 2, 2008 @ 12:34 pm
Hey Shannon, I agree with you about how he had to grow into his features and I think because we saw him through Jessica’s eyes, he was pretty hot. And Jessica was a girl after my own heart. Snarky and takes-no-prisoners. But I’m just wondering, why is “Lord of Scoundrels” considered one of the best romances ever? Sure, it’s really good and very well-written. But I wouldn’t think it’s the best romance. For me, it’s between “Paradise” and “Flowers from the Storm” by Kinsale. Both 5 boxes-of-kleenex reads!