Hopelessly devoted to you
“A Rake’s Guide to Seduction” by Caroline Linden
My dearest Anthony,
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Assuredly, the heat that is generated by the sight of your manly and firm buttocks doth maketh my heart quicken with longing. (And leads to much awkwardness, as I am caught by Mimi smiling dreamily to myself and squeezing the air with my greedy fingers. Have pretended that I was dreaming of the donuts we had yesterday for dessert. Suspect she does not believe me.)
I write this missive to thee, in emulation of thy love letters to Celia Reece (aka Scared Bit of Custard Brain Who Does Not Deserve You Or Your Manly and Firm Buttocks). So now, I, as your Secret Admirer, am writing to you to profess my feelings, in the hopes that one day, I can reveal my identity and whip off this cloud of secrecy like the Bat Cape. (Fear not, dearest Anthony, I am not a man).
How my heart ached for thee, dearest, sweetest Anthony, when thee went to Custard Brain’s brother, The Duke of Book Contract Number One, and pleaded your case for wooing her. How you told him that your reputation as Bad Bad Leroy Brown, the baddest rake in London town was as unwarranted as that restraining order Gerard Butler has against Sheridan. How you promised to cherish Custard Brain with your entire being. And when Duke of Book Contract Number One informed you that Custard Brain was to be married to another, and you bore it majestically and with dignity like the sexy lion that you are, my heart broke for you dearest Anthony. And when you walked past her as she sat in the parlour, laughingly surrounded by friends and unaware of your presence? *wail* You kept the sight of her in your heart as the impossible dream you could never hope to achieve, before walking away. C’est tragique!
O’ Anthony, thy care and concern for Custard Brain is truly touching. How you have pined for her for the past 4 years and have longed to see her. And even when she was widowed, you never dreamed that you would be able to win her. When the invitation to a house party thrown in her honour came, thou tried to convince yourself that twould be best if you kept away. But helpless to resist and drawn to her like Any Winehouse towards a bottle of Absolut, you were so gentle and tried so desperately to charm her out of her shell of isolation.
And even though the rest of the female houseguests were all conspiring to explore your classical and heroic proportions up close and real personal, you only had eyes for one— Custard Brain. Whenever she was sad and lonely, you felt as though your heart had broken. And when she felt joy, you felt as if the world’s blessings were upon you. And to cheer her spirits, you began leaving her secret notes, professing your adoration. Ah Anthony, so too shall I begin leaving secret notes and tokens of my affection for your hott self. Behold, the furry handcuffs and bottle of KY that accompany this note were lovingly chosen with you in mind. Pray, keep them on your person and think of me always!
And I am even more appreciative of the fact that you are not a highwayman, an agent of the Crown, a spy for America or an embattled Scotsman determined to seek revenge on the villain who ran over Jojo, his beloved puppy. Just a wealthy, seductive would-be earl, who wants nothing better than to marry Custard Brain and keep her happy as his wife. And I admire your skillful way with… words. Truly, your pen is almost as mighty as your sword.
How unfortunate that you and Custard Brain were caught in a most compromising situation. More specifically, when a whole house full of guests walked in on her riding you to victory like a jockey at the Kentucky Derby. But how stoic you were as you bore your reputation as a heartless seducer. I know better Anthony, and one day, as I step out of the shadows, I shall convince you of my devotion for your caring heart, smouldering ways and incredibly fine ass.
Til then, I remain eternally,
La Lola
Your Secret Admirer.
Sayuri said,
July 14, 2008 @ 6:02 am
He sounds scrummy. So scrummy I may be tempted to to read a historical….*shiver*
La Lola said,
July 14, 2008 @ 12:03 pm
Hey Sayuri, this was a pretty slow-paced kind of novel. Not much whizz-bam kind of excitement so you might want to check out a different historical instead. I just finished “In Bed with the Devil” which was really good I think. Review coming soon!
livlife said,
July 14, 2008 @ 11:26 pm
Ooh, I just finished reading this. I was really torn on whether I liked it or not. I loved that Anthony fell in love first, but I thought he was a bit wimpy about the whole “my love just got engaged” thing. And then the middle bit with the diary…..blech. I fell asleep. It did pick up at the end, but I am not so sure I loved it. Anthony, Lord Yes, but Celia was one of the worst heroines I have ever read. I kept wanting to go into the story….just to spit on her (which is not usually why I want to jump into stories—-)
La Lola said,
July 15, 2008 @ 9:35 am
Heya livlife. Yeah, there wasn’t the usual case of the hero trying every dirty trick in the book to get the heroine to break off the engagement, but maybe it’s because they weren’t really suited to get married at that point. Thought Celia was a total lame brain, but I loved Anthony!