Bad to the bone: une partie de trois (part 1 of 3)
“Baddest Bad Boys” by Shannon McKenna, EC Sheedy & Cate Noble
“So Sheridan, is there any word on when the mutant fire ant situation which has taken over our offices and computers will be resolved? Coz don’t get me wrong, lying by the pool with our laptops is great and all, but in case you haven’t noticed, we’re kinda surrounded by every shoe we ever bought. Which pretty much means we have enough shoes here to supply the good people of Ohio,” said Lola, munching on a French fry and looking at Sheridan over her aviator shades.
“I don’t know Lo, I’m still suffering from PTSD,” replied Sheridan sadly.
“Post traumatic stress disorder?”
“No, Protect The Shoes Darlings!” said Sheridan sagely. “All I remember is little ants crawling toward us like a mutant ant army! And you hollering, “Get the shoes bitches!” See, this is what happens when you try and genetically modify nature! Does Mimi never listen? I keep going, “Think T-Rex in Jurassic Park Mimi! Think T-Rex!” but she giggles and floats off.”
“Here, maybe this will distract you,” Lola passes the “Baddest Bad Boys” anthology to Sheridan. “The first story is by Shannon McKenna.”
“Ooh Shannon McK!” Sheridan perks up and looks at the blurb. “What’s this?” she gasps. “No Team McCloud!”
“Alas no, but it’s still pretty hot. It’s Robin McNamara who’s in love with her big brother’s best friend, Jon Amendola. Robin is a clown and when she…”
“She’s a what?” Sheridan interrupts.
“A clown. And she decides that enough’s….”
“What do you mean she’s a clown?” demanded Sheridan. “Like Krusty? Like that thing from It?”
“Well, this is more of a Cirque du Soleil kind of thing going on,” clarified Lola. “But I think her alter-ego is called Wiggles or something like that.”
“Wiggles.”
“Uh huh. Anyway, her clown training makes her quite flexible, so that comes in handy for Jon and….” continued Lola.
“Did you. Just say. Clown training?!” shrieked Sheridan. “How is this an acceptable career choice. Next you’re going to tell me that the hero is a raccoon trainer!”
“Will you let me finish?” Lola said huffily. “Anyway, Robin decides she wants to give the V-Card away to Jon, so she tracks him up to the mountains where he’s holed up in a cabin. Jon is (all other opinion to the contrary, NOT a raccoon trainer.) Like all other Shannon McKenna heroes before him, he is a cop. And he’s experienced a bit of a meltdown since his last case, where some psycho abducted, tortured and killed girls, and then left robin eggs in their mouths. He thinks that the psycho’s dead, but he doesn’t realize that the psycho has a crazy-ass accomplice who’s out to get Jon. And when she (said crazy-ass accomplice is female) finds out that Robin has trailed Jon to the cabin to get some hott clown nookie….” Lola pauses as Sheridan has groaned in pain. “Anyway, she thinks it’s a sign and so Robin becomes her next target. How dare this psycho bitch try and besmirch robin eggs! Everybody knows that Tiffany boxes are the colour of robin eggs! Attempts to associate them with death and mayhem, instead of Great Sparklers of Joy must be stopped. Stopped I say!” Lola pounds her fist into the palm of her hand.
“So how was the *shudder* clown sex in this one Lola?” Sheridan asked.
“Well, it IS a Shannon McKenna book after all, so there are many many references to girl juice (yes, that IS what they mean) and the other thing that mechanics use to get the car engine moving, and which Jon repeatedly refers to as being in Robin.”
“Car oil?” Sheridan asked quizzically.
“No! The thing that makes it run smoother!”
“Wax?”
“NO! Do you know anything about cars Sheri?”
“Well other than backseat action, not really. A monkey wrench?”
“N—Ok, that too. It’s lube,” said Lola.
“Oh. OH! Well, were there the usual jungle man scenes of dominance? You know, You Jane, Me Man with Big Club?”
“Mais oui!” trilled Lola. “I didn’t really buy how quickly Jon seemed to fall for Robin, but I guess if you have a hott young chick who can move like a slinky throwing herself at you, you’d cave in too. Because one minute he’s all, you’re my best friend’s baby sister! And the next he’s all, you and your clown nose are mine, all mine!”
“True,” mused Sheridan. “But still! Wasn’t Jon scared? Everybody knows clowns eat people!”
“I think in this case, Jon was quite happy for this particular clown to eat him,” replied Lola.
“Fair enough.”
To be continued…
Lady L said,
July 2, 2008 @ 10:03 am
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I’m gonna read this short story just to witness the clown sex.
##############################################
“you and your clown nose are mine, all mine!”
*now wailing noisly* Please girls don’t let the Warden read this line!!!!!!!! There could be a clown/heroine for one of the brothers and I don’t think I would survive that…. after Xhex we just can’t know! …we can’t know!
La Lola said,
July 2, 2008 @ 10:39 am
Hey Lady L, I am so with you on that! (being scared about what else is going to be thrown our way by the BDB I mean) Not that we think the Warden reads our website (but we aspire to the impossible dream!)
Lady L said,
July 2, 2008 @ 11:13 pm
If the Warden doesn’t she should, not to be a suck up but this blog is so good, you gals are funny and that’s that!
I read the reviews even though sometimes I know I won’t be buying the books (don’t have enough money to substain my book addiction or a billionaire near and I’m sure as hell not gonna sell my shoes, can I get an “Amen” Miss Sheridan?). The reviews are that funny, enough to read them even about books I’m not interested in reading!
I’ll read this book just cause I’ve never read a McKenna so I can get a feel of her writting. Besides the Clown sex… it reminds me of Kiss an Angel by SEP.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
July 3, 2008 @ 11:00 am
“AMEN!!” *clutches recently acquired snakeskin stilettos protectively to chest*
La Lola said,
July 3, 2008 @ 5:16 pm
Lady L, you have made our day! But what could I expect from a fellow devotee who recognises the brilliance and genius of Kiss an Angel?