You don’t bring me flowers, anymore
“His Mistress by Arrangement” by Natalie Anderson
Dear Lola,
I do not understand why you are not liking this book. Why you are not *heart-ing* it. Why you have not joined me in raising a glass to the body of Jake Rendel. This is a classic tale of rich successful playboy millionaire falling for the girl next door; of childhood crushes made good; of steamy against the table rip me panty-hose kind of sex. How could you not love it? I do not understand. Are we that different you and I? The other day you told me that you thought I was sad for liking East 17. You hurt me. “Thunder” is the best song ever. Because Lola, “when the thunder calls you, from a mountain high, it is time to spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly).” Alright so maybe I don’t quite know what that means either because Mama Sheridan always told me to stay indoors during a thunderstorm.
So perhaps we have different musical tastes. But I always thought that we had similar tastes when it came to Alpha Males. Whither then do you not find Jake as delicious as a chocolate bon bon? Do you not love his cheeky wit? Did you not wish you were Emma when he looked deep into her eyes and told her his three rules - one of which involved getting nekkid? Any game involving a set of rules which would require one getting nekkid with an Alpha Male is a damn good game. Sign me up! I’ll bring a bottle of water for hydration purposes!! I do not understand this sudden disparity of thought between you and I. Truly I do not. When Jake proposes to Emma that they stop pretending they are engaging in a hot sexy affair and turn fantasy into reality and then proceeds to show her how to increase productivity in the office, I wanted to cry. Howl even. I mean, Emma is a nice girl but she does not deserve to swap spit and other such bodily fluids with Jake. Oh Jake. I just want to rub myself all over his deliciousness. When he ordered Emma not to move while he ran out of the house to the nearest convenience store to pick up condoms so they could get it on proper and he ordered her not to move from that spot, did you not grin at his adorableness when he returned all breathless and pouted “you moved!” Adorableness!
What is it Lola? Is it because he is not a billionaire? I know you and I had a long discussion about the world’s rising inflation and accordingly how there is no reason as to why an Alpha Hero should be a mere millionaire in this day an age. You know I agree with your suggestion. I even signed your “Make Alpha Heroes Billionaires” petition sheet. Twice! But you know when push comes to shove Lola, I would settle for a millionaire Alpha Hero. Yes it is true. Beggars cannot be choosers and a millionaire Alpha Hero is infinitely better than a spineless beta male! I mean, just think of all the BAGS and SHOES I could buy! I could even buy that new Chanel bike I just emailed you about! Nevermind that I actually don’t quite know how to cycle and that the last time I did I ended up in the ER with one of the bicycle spokes pierced through my foot. It is all in the past. Plus, it left a rather sexy scar. One to tell the kids as I push them on their bikes and watch fear cloud their little brown eyes. Heh heh heh.
Perhaps it is all the corny cheesy flower analogies and metaphors throughout the book. I have to admit, I too rolled my eyes at them. Especially how she drew her daisy intertwined with his tulip. I don’t know why, but that sounded incredibly dirty. Or perhaps it was pages and pages describing Emma’s incredibly whining voice/thoughts on how she doesn’t want anybody to see her art and how it is private and personal and is embarrassed cos she’s not any good at it. If so, I understand. No one wants to read about another person’s insecurities. Especially when that person is having hot wild sex with an Alpha Male and you ain’t. I get that Lola. See you and I are not so different after all! But did your heart not melt/twinge when he showed up at her family’s party (the very one he vowed never to attend) just to see her, and to give her this box he had personally and man-ily carved for her (with her daisy and his tulip (dirty!))? Did you not go “awwwww!!” when he asked her to flip the box over and it read “JR loves ED”? I did! It reminded me of my first crush who wrote his initials and mine on the bark of the great oak (where we had spent so many hours making out) at our playschool in crayon. What can I say? I started young.
Let this not ruin our friendship Lola. Who else will understand my desire of wanting to stay at home and watch vintage Wrestlemania (featuring Shawn Michaels in all his sexyboy chaps glory) while eating a bucket of fried chicken? Who else will pass me quarters at the local payphone as I dial every “Matthew Farrell” in the phonebook? Who else will hide in the bathroom with me when Mimi goes into one of her moods? Our friendship is bigger than this, though we are individuals of slim build.
PS : No need to answer any of the questions above, as they are all hypothetical.
XOXO,
Sheridan
La Lola said,
May 2, 2008 @ 4:18 pm
Dear Sheridan,
Maybe it is because I have been weaned from Judith McNaught. Eeew gross! I take that back!! I mean I have been brought up to believe that nothing less than a private jet, a black American Express and a package big enough to rival Stone Henge will do. And Jake was… I don’t know what he was doing actually. Something to do with hotels. But was he a hotel magnate? No. Was he a construction baron? No. He was good at wood carving. Next!
And yes, I did think the whole “my daisy is entwined with your tulip” thing was a bit suggestive. But then you could tell me that he drove over a manhole and I would think that was suggestive too.
But I believe our friendship can withstand this. We are made of stronger things. Only you can understand my great love for Shawn Michaels, mullet and all. But sometimes we just have to agree to disagree. And although I did not believe that Jake was worthy of admission to the Alpha Heroes Hall of Fame (where indeed, membership has its privileges), I will respect your opinion. Wrong though it may be.
xoxo
Lola
Rainib said,
May 2, 2008 @ 9:34 pm
Lola, I have to back SSC here. Who doesn’t want to go where horses ride? When the thunder calls me I don’t ask questions. I spread my … never mind. As for the book, it does sound as if this hero may be a few chips short of a big stack. And that’s cool, I mean if you like that. I’m not judging.
Adri said,
May 3, 2008 @ 3:53 am
I reed this book and it’s pretty good… the hero is cute and funny but I wouldn’t say he is a yummy all the way alpha male…
I have to agree with La Lola this time…
Adri said,
May 3, 2008 @ 3:57 am
ops… I meant ‘ I read…’
La Lola said,
May 3, 2008 @ 10:47 pm
Yo Rainib, the hero in this one is truly a few pancakes short of a stack. He was sweet enough I suppose, and definitely way better than the wet dishrag of a heroine. But still, since I have “Alpha or Death” tattooed on my left buttcheek (little surprise in store there!) Jake is not the one for me.
And Adri, I hear you. Looks like it’s you and me against them 2, then.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
May 4, 2008 @ 7:55 pm
Bring it on!
Though I would agree that Jake isn’t Alpha like Matthew (Farrell) or any of the Brothers, he’s still pretty hot! Isn’t he like a young successful hotel engineer something? (Yeah alright so maybe I don’t remember what he does for a living, but he ain’t a wood carver that much I recall. Even if he is, goddamn he’s a sexy one!)