“Lover Enshrined” by JR Ward
Mimi and Sheridan came traipsing into the RMB offices, juggling their iced mocha frappes and shopping bags from Neiman Marcus. They stopped short at the sight of the LV travelling trunks stacked against the wall of the RMB foyer. “Lola’s back!” they squealed, clattering in on their Louboutin and Sergio Rossi. “Lola! Where are yoooooou! How was the Riviera? Did you get us anything?? Like maybe a delicieux French man with a wondrous eclair full of cream?”
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“Demon’s Fire” by Emma Holly
Dear Sheridan and Mimi,

Greetings from the sunny French Riviera! You would love it here, everyone drinks champagne for breakfast and there are more good looking men than you can shake booty at (trust me, this I have done.)
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“Highlander Unmasked” by Monica McCarty
Today, we send out another tribute to American Idol; the show we have come to know and love so well here at ripmybodice.com HQ. Fond memories I will have of this season’s showing; Lola dancing along and winking at that dude who was found out to be a male stripper, all of us doing shots whenever Paula appeared a bit loopy, of Mimi convincing us that she can sing better than Syesha and us bleeding from the ears, of myself licking the TV screen whenever David Cook came on and then passing out whenever he smiled. Good times indeed. And so, to commemorate the wonder that is American Idol, I shall once again, re-create the magic of Idol mania via the wonders of sock puppetry *cue music : Na-na-na-na-na-na-na NAAAA*:

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“Dead Perfect” by Amanda Ashley
When the Pale Scary Lady appeared mysteriously behind me just the other day while I was browsing through the new books shelf, my first reaction was “GAAAAAAH! Sweet baby moses woman you need to get yourself a bottle of Jiffy Tan!” My second reaction was “Hello Pale Scary Lady, what brings you here standing so close behind me that I am kinda scared but am trying not to show it? By the by, is the latest Kresley Cole out yet?” Whether it was to stop me from rambling on or to distract me from launching into another exposition on how she should really let us meet her book suppliers at whatever mysterious warehouse and get our books at cost I’ll never know. But my whirring mind was silenced when she thrust “Dead Perfect” into my hands. “What’s this Pale Scary Lady? I’ve never heard of this author before. Why forth would you - ooh! the guy on the cover is so hot. So hot! I’ll take it!”

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“Lessons From A Courtesan” by Jenna Petersen
Today’s review is brought to you by the letter “J”
Which would normally stand for “Juan” but not today
Today my heart belongs to Justin, the Earl of Baybary
An Alpha Male I currently love more than my chips and curry
I call dibs on Justin! All you ripmybodice readers out there
Because Sheridan doesn’t share
Not even with Lola who is wailing outside her office door
Or Mimi who is hacking her way through the floor
No doubt to wrestle “Lessons From A Courtesan” away from her possession
But they forget though that the WWE is my lifetime’s obsession
And so as I lay in wait in my glittery spandex tights
Ready to bring all kinds of hurtin’, I write

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“The Burning Point” by Mary Jo Putney
So, you got to give props to Mary Jo Putney. She really delves into issues which are controversial and not always pretty. (And no, she didn’t write a book about how Kim Kardashi** (NB: have had to resort to asterixes. Damn you spam bots!) ended up with her own network show.) In “The Burning Point”, the heroine Kate Corsi has divorced her husband who beat her, and now she’s finding love again. I’ll give you three guesses as to who she ends up with. No, it’s not the caring sensitive corporate raider who she stumbles across in the street. No, it isn’t her ex-husband’s best friend, who’s always been in love with her and hated to see her suffer. And no, it isn’t Screech from Saved by the Bell. Kate ends up finding love with…her ex-husband.
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“A Lady of the West” by Linda Howard
“A Lady of the West” was written by Linda Howard in those days before she decided to saddle up and lead the charge of the “Why Would You Turn Your Back On Old Fashioned Romance and Write Romantic Suspense???” brigade. In it, Victoria Waverly decides to marry a skeazy old rancher old enough to be her father. Really Victoria, we get that you’ve got to feed your cousin and sister and the only thing for you to do is trade on your looks. But girl, run a background check first before you marry McLain, aka El Sleazo. Or ask ANYONE north of El Paso. They’d be able to tell you that your husband is actually a murderer and rapist who is marrying you for your youth and aristocratic lineage. Luckily for Victoria he can’t get it up because she reminds him too much of the hero’s mother, whom he had raped and then murdered. And since the hero cut off one of his balls after the rape, everytime McLain sees Victoria he has mental flashbacks to kissing goodbye to his ping pong and so shrinks to the size of a Mexican jumping bean.
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“Midnight Rising” by Lara Adrian
Scene: Midnight at a deserted cemetery

(Enter Rio, carrying a bouquet of red roses and placing them on an unmarked tombstone)

“Hola Mama, it has been a while since we last spoke. What with you being dead hundreds of years or so. Oh Mama, our time together was too short you and I. Sadly before I became the man I am today, you were brutally killed by ignorant humans who do not understand your gift; our gift. It is true that our hands, when laid upon people can bring death but pshaw Mama! PSHAW! Such minor technicalities. And yes Mama, perhaps a little part of you always hated and were repulsed by me as I was….a little distinta from the other young boys my age, but that is part of my charm yes? I think of the times we spent together Mama, you feeding me with your open vein, me hiding from sunlight, dios mio we had so much fun together you and I! But Mama, what brings me here is a burning need to tell you Mama….

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Hola RMB readers,

A month back (Ok fine, 2 months) we’d promised to send you guys a little something as a way of saying “Thanks for listening to us swoon over gorgeous, built Alphas and bitch about the heroines who don’t deserve them.” To those of you who have written in with your addresses and demands to know what it is, no, it is not Gerard Butler.

Anyway, we’re sorry it’s a little late, but we’ve been busy reading, reviewing, raniewing, shopping, drinking, eating, drinking and whipping Juan and Sven into submission (this is as fun as it sounds). But we’re going to send it out next week. Pinky swear! So if anyone else still wants to get a little “The RMB girls love me and I can prove it!” gift, drop us an email with your address!

XOXO
Lola, Sheridan & Mimi

“Counterfeit Lady” by Jude Deveraux

Course: An exposition of the roles of socially and sexually subjugated women in romantic fiction. (aka 80s Romance 101)
Essay topic: In Jude Deveraux’s published novel “Counterfeit Lady”, the author uses fantastical plot devices and stereotypical characterisation to further the development of the story, and to raise the blood pressure of readers. Discuss.
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