Hit me with your best shot
“The Velvet Promise” by Jude Deveraux
*In the gym at the RMB offices, La Lola, Mimi and Sheridan are sparring.*
La Lola, dressed in skimpy camouflage shorts and a white tank top, blows her diamante whistle as she marches past Sheridan dressed in Baby Phat combat gear and Mimi who’s wearing head-to-toe black leather. Mimi and Sheridan are intently pummelling two life-sized dummies with the name “Gavin Montgomery” blazoned across the chest.
“Who do we want to dismember??” La Lola yelled.
“GAVIN!” hollered Sheridan and Mimi in unison, punching at the chest of the dummies, blonde highlights flying and manicures jabbing.
“Why do we want to cut off his member?” La Lola cried, cracking her diamante riding crop against her thigh.
*Wham!* *Kapow!*
“Because he is a spoilt, arrogant piece of donkey crap who can’t make up his mind whether he loves his wife, Judith, or whether he loves his ho mistress Alice, who is an evil, conniving bitch of death!” roared Sheridan and Mimi.
“Why must we hurt him, troops?” hollered (Unless-you’re-a-Sarah McCarty-hero-you-ain’t-taking-me-in-the-) Rear-Admiral La Lola.
“Because he marries Judith in a marriage of convenience and at first he’s enchanted with his bride but he slaps her to the ground on their freaking WEDDING day when she catches him whispering sweet nothings to his mistress and confronts him on it,” Mimi aimed a Chanel boot clad kick at the groin of the dummy.
“Because he deserts his wife and continues to side with his mistress and refuses to believe that his mistress is anything but the sweetest kindest woman in the world, even though she probably has “Satan” tattooed on her vagina!” Sheridan panted, punching the dummy so hard that the stuffing came out.
“Why must Gavin be destroyed?” demanded La Lola, pacing in front of them.
*Blam!*
“Because just as Gavin the Git and Judith reconcile for the 759th time, they are imprisoned in a dungeon and Judith has to pretend to be in love with their captor and Gavin believes that she has betrayed him and accuses her of being a slut and whore and not good as his precious mistress! And when they leave the prison, Gavin thinks that Judith is pregnant with their captor’s child, even though only Gavin’s train has ever gone through her tunnel!” hollered Mimi.
*Pow!*
“Because even though Judith and Gavin reconcile for the 760th time, they go to King Henry’s court where Gavin is ensnared by the charms of Evil Bitch Mistress once freaking again and refuses to listen to Judith when she tries to insist that Evil Bitch Mistress is out to destroy their marriage. Death to Gavin the Dickless Wonder and Evil Bitch Mistress!!” Sheridan danced around the dummy, punching away like Rocky Balboa on crack.
“Why must we tear off Gavin’s penis and feed it to hyenas for an hors d’oeuvre , pitifully small mouthful as it is?” demanded La Lola, pointing her riding crop at the crotches of the dummies.
*Biff!* *Bop!* [Insert Batman (circa. Adam West) graphic here]
“Because Evil Bitch Mistress drugs Gavin and orchestrates it such that Judith stumbles onto Evil Bitch Mistress in bed with Gavin and Judith runs away in horror and falls down stairs and miscarries Gavin’s child! And even after Gavin is told of Evil Bitch Mistress’s duplicity, he blames her but thinks she did it out of her uncontrollable love for him.” Mimi shouts furiously, giving a roundhouse kick worthy of a Muay Thai fighter.
“Because when Gavin and Judith reconcile for the 761st time, Judith is kidnapped by Alice and when Gavin chases after Judith to Alice’s manor, he only realises in the last five pages of the book that Alice is nuttier than a bag of pistachios. And it takes Alice holding a pot of boiling oil over Judith’s face for him to denounce Evil Bitch Mistress Alice. Suck this Gavin!” Sheridan cries, taking some time out from her sparring to do a Degeneration X.
“Good job troops!” La Lola handed out bottles of Perrier to Sheridan and Mimi, who had quite understandably worked up quite a sweat. La Lola looked down at the carnage of the 2 Gavin dummies lying on the ground. “I’d ask Juan and Sven to come in and clean this up but I have a feeling they’d be a bit nervous.”
mallory said,
April 22, 2008 @ 10:19 pm
Dude, what a sucky hero. Rhage needs to visit Gavin, show him the error of his ways, go all brotherhood on his ass and ’splain to him the correct way to be a hero in a book.
I have never found a Jude Deveraux book I have liked. Too many Big Mis’s. Drives me batty.
Ana said,
April 23, 2008 @ 12:01 am
Where in the world do you girls find such books? LOL
katya said,
April 23, 2008 @ 12:43 am
Read the book, terrible. Must confess I found all Deveraux’s books I tried unbearable. Such a waste of time…
Wendy said,
April 23, 2008 @ 1:44 am
I liked one Deveraux book, Mountain Laurel, but I’m thinking you girls wlll not appreciate the hero for entirely different reasons. Too good at keeping his pants zipped. Err, buttoned. The others I’ve tried were pretty tiresome.
Dulce said,
April 23, 2008 @ 5:46 am
Hi ladies, this is my first post in this fraking hilarious site. Your funny as hell book reviews rock! I couldn’t agree more, this Gavin chap was a waste of a hero. I would love to read a review from you gals on Garwood’s Counterfeit Lady. I bet that would be a riot!
Dulce said,
April 23, 2008 @ 5:55 am
Oops! My bad, Deveraux wrote Counterfeit Lady not Julie Garwood. I don’t know why but I tend to mix those two up.
katya said,
April 23, 2008 @ 6:06 am
For great medieval I would recommend Woodiwiss’s Wolf and the Dove. I truly enjoyed it, loved the hero almost as much as my beloved Royce from Kingdom of Dreams.
lauren said,
April 23, 2008 @ 6:21 am
You know this may be the only book that I loved where I hated the hero. Despite his horridness, all the stuff that happened kept me hoocked.
andrea said,
April 23, 2008 @ 6:38 am
“Satan tattooed on her vagina”. *snort* Now, that is funny.
La Lola said,
April 23, 2008 @ 9:23 am
Hey katya and Dulce, welcome welcome! *snaps fingers at Juan and Sven* You know the drill! Strawberry margs all around! I’ve read Counterfeit Lady because like lauren says, you hate the heroes, but the plots are so soap-opera.
Will try Wolf and the Dove katya, thanks for the rec! Any hints what it’s about?
Believe it or not Wendy, I’ve read “Mountain Laurel,” it’s the one with the stiff (hur hur) upper lip colonel and the opera singer or something like that right?
My favourite Jude Deveraux is actually “Black Lyon.” That was pretty good, but again, way too many big mis.
And Ana, unfortunately such books fall out of the sky and hit us on the head. Owie.
Ooh mallory I too want Rhage to go all brotherhood on my ass! Such fun involved for both of us! (Rhage and me I mean)
And andrea, better not let Mimi catch you laughing at Satan. She takes such things very seriously, her unofficial nickname being Satan’s Handmaiden and all.
Wendy said,
April 23, 2008 @ 10:26 am
Yeah, that’s the one. I keep remembering him as a mountie. It fits so well.
I’ll have to try Black Lyon.
Shannon said,
April 23, 2008 @ 10:49 am
Oh God, are you serious? Really? That got published? I… I don’t know what to say. Just wow.
La Lola said,
April 23, 2008 @ 11:10 am
Unfortunately Shannon, we must remember that this was the 80s, where Jude Deveraux was one of the queens of romance..
Gummy Bear said,
April 23, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
*KAPOW!* i vaguely remember reading this book when i was in junior high or something i.e. when i was much easier to please and even THEN thinking it was annoying..heh.
La Lola said,
April 23, 2008 @ 5:48 pm
You obviously had highly refined and discerning taste even then Gummy Bear.
katya said,
April 24, 2008 @ 1:04 am
Hi girls, for Lola a hint: if you like your heroes brawny and brainy alpha, try Wulfgar from Wolf. But maybe it’s just my thing…
andrea said,
April 24, 2008 @ 6:55 am
Speaking of Rhage, has anyone read some of the reviews for Lover Enshrined that are popping up on the internet? Publisher’s Weekly says “Ward has outdone herself with this latest brotherhood novel.” June 3 can’t get here fast enough for me!
Adri said,
April 24, 2008 @ 7:12 am
Talking about vampires…
anyone read Kerrelyn Sparks - How to marry a millionaire vampire? it’s so goooood!
alpha male+vampire+millionaire…what else can I say?
livlife said,
April 24, 2008 @ 7:27 am
Hmm, I almost hate to step in the midst of this…but I feel I must. I know Gavin is not close to a true hero, but I beg you to give JD another chance. We all must bear with the 80s version of romance she provides, but I tell you all, Gavins brothers are much more delicious–oops–meant enjoyable. Stephen, (book number two) is a brawny treat who is gifted with an undeserving heroine and caught in a battle of chauvinism. Raine (book three) is a bit of a dunderhead, and so you may skip his story if you wish, though I really liked Alyx, his heroine (and we see Stephen again in this novel). Finally, we have Miles. Aah Miles. The randy, seducer of all women (not fickle at all) who is the youngest of the bunch. He meets his lady when she is delivered to him, naked, rolled up in a carpet. Miles can’t resist and decided to keep her. Let the games begin. I am pretty sure Miles’ story is called Velvet Angel and Stephen’s is Highland Velvet. Can’t remember Raine’s but it would be the one that is left.
Sorry…I just discovered romance with Jude Deveraux (and Catherine Coulter before she joined the ranks and starting writing suspense) and can’t help but be loyal to my mentors.
But, once again, this review cracked me up. Must stop reading RMB at work.
La Lola said,
April 24, 2008 @ 9:05 am
katya, will definitely check out “Wolf and the Dove” and Adri, you had me (and I’m pretty sure Sheridan) at millionaire! It would be nice if he was a BILLIONAIRE, but I suppose we can’t be too picky. Thanks for the recs ladies!
andrea, DAYUM, you BDB obsessed girl! But we too are the same, so no judgment. One day, it is our dream for a BDB ARC.
And livlife, I hear you, I really do. Jude Deveraux was one of my must-buy authors way back when and believe it or not I have read every single one of her books from the 80s and 90s. Once she turned contemp with “Holly” (was it?) I got the hell out of that. My 2 favourite Deverauxs are “The Taming” and “Black Lyon.” Didn’t like her Velvet series much and ironically enough, “Velvet Promise” was my favourite out of the 4!
Gummy Bear said,
April 24, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
La Lola.. you wound me!! i wasn’t sure whether to take that as a compliment? (^_-) well… i think that was my first and last JD.. but i really do love the 80s bodice rippers (jennifer wilde anyone??) alas… i’ll have to give the other JDs another try… there’s an ungodly amount of them just sitting at my local library (which has “a fire in the heart”) begging.. waiting to be read.
La Lola said,
April 24, 2008 @ 5:37 pm
Really Gummy Bear, I meant it as a compliment! When you say “Fire in the Heart” do you mean the one by Katherine Sutcliffe? That’s as 80s as you can get! (in a good way, I heart that book)
Lyndsey said,
April 26, 2008 @ 12:57 am
Whatever you ladies do…Do not read and review Christine Monson’s Stormfire. Since you are having such problems with a mild arrogant bastard like Gavin and Gavin is positively loveable next to Sean (the hero in Stormfire). I’m pretty sure that you won’t make it through the first rape scene in Stormfire. As for me…I found Gavin to be light wieght. Velvet Promise was fun little read. However it wasn’t the great bodice ripper that Stormfire is.
Kristie(J) said,
April 26, 2008 @ 2:00 am
ROTFL! As one of the *one might say but better not* grannies of the birth of the romance I also read this one many many years ago. And the shocker is I went out and read more of the Velvet books (and others) by her ’cause at the time and I emphasize at the time I liked this one!!! Thank the stars romance has evolved over the years!!
I think she got too much for me with one and I’m blanking on the hero, had a different woman for every day of the week. He couldn’t be bothered remembering their names so he just called them by what ever day they serviced him on. Now mind you, the heroine set his bed on fire in retaliation - with him in it. They were married and he couldn’t even remember HER name!!
mallory said,
April 26, 2008 @ 3:37 am
OMG KristieJ! I just read that one yesterday. The Taming. Hated the ending. The hero didn’t decide he liked her until the last 10 pages. FAIL.
lauren said,
April 26, 2008 @ 6:12 am
I have to say that as bad as Gavin and The Taming’s hero are I don’t know that they can be as bad as what’s his name from Conterfit Lady, he was the most balless excuss for a hero I’ve ever read. While those guys might have been jerks, at least they didn’t let a fat cow of a woman run their lives for no reason.
Dulce said,
April 27, 2008 @ 12:49 am
Lauren, that is why I recommended Counterfeit Lady to the ladies to read. I bet we would all be rotf reading their review of that one. The villainess and hero should have both been locked in a big ass barrel, and thrown down the Mississippi River. LOL!
lauren said,
April 27, 2008 @ 2:44 am
I totaly missed your post. Great mind must think alike.
La Lola said,
April 27, 2008 @ 3:12 pm
Oh my God now you’ve reminded me. I’ve read “Counterfeit Lady” but must have blocked it from my mind since it was so awful. Raniew definitely coming soon!