Pillow talk
“Silver Flame” by Susan Johnson
“Hola Lola what are you up to?” Sheridan came flouncing into Lola’s office. “Sven’s bought a new bottle of Chocolate Delight massage oil, and I’m DYING to have Sven oil me up like a pig at a luau! Do you want to join me?” Sheridan stopped short at the sight of Lola, who was lying on the floor with a pillow jammed over her face.
“Oh my God Lola are you ok?!? Mimi’s isn’t trying to implement her “Bring a Serial Killer to Work” day again is she?” Sheridan asked in horror.
“Mffphh Shhheriiddhhnnun! Hhhhsuuer. Hjsuhht! Hjsuhht!” Lola kicked her feet from side to side as the pillow shook over her face like a ring of belly fat.
“You read “Silver Flame” by Susan Johnson and you are so aggravated because you’d forgotten what it’s like to read a book from the 80s and the only way of coping is by stuffing a pillow over your face and breathing through the agony?” Sheridan sympathetically translated.
“Jukki onnnoo hareeen thhhht mffphiu rffuistuni, hukkkidjksj ttyyyuuslslsk!”
“No way! They did the whole “sell herself to support her 4 siblings up in the log cabin” thing even back then eh? And of course she’d get bought by Montana’s most eligible bachelor, Trey Braddock-Black. No one ever gets bought by the disgusting gold prospector affectionately called Hog Breath Bobby. Romance novels don’t work that way. And the heroine’s called Empress Jordan?? Wow, she walked right out of Romance Novel Central Casting didn’t she,” Sheridan says impressed. “I guess she’s spunky too?”
“Mmooioiintaaaan gjhgjjhfuu ajfkjkfjkajfkjkdk ahhhauhs jjkkro, muuuuiskfmf!!!!”
“No way! He carried her down a mountain? All the way in his arms because she had a roaring fever and he was panic-stricken she was going to die! I think they make men differently in Montana!” Sheridan was impressed.
“Jughghsgg xsedhjshdh bnnukkdjd ghsuhthu mftge rgggdgd! Erhjshhd hhfjhjiii!”
“Strange, I would have thought there’d be more sex in the book, considering it’s a Susan Johnson and all,” mused Sheridan. “Remember I told you about that one book I read by her where the hero stuffed a jewel into the heroine’s um, secret jewel? That was so weird! It’s totally like hiding your diamond in a safe deposit box! Except you’re the safe deposit box!”
“Ahrhjhrh eeeerfkkjfj weeuthu kuijsjsjkl, qeeyrhthh buyhhth driuerljd??? Uiooskp puiehrhtjh bfumsnf! Hudihgjhjhaf mffph mppfh usijkfj!” the pillow heaved up and down rapidly along with Lola’s breathing.
“What did you expect Lola? The 80s was the decade of the Big Misunderstanding after all. So of course you have to expect that the path of true love would be way gravelly! But to have Trey fall in love with and propose to Empress and then after that find himself blackmailed by the Villainous Bitch Valerie that he has to marry her and give her child a name because if he doesn’t she will indict his clansmen for rape is just, woah so Young and the Restless! So how does Empress take it?”
“Hjsjjsjsjsj jkjfkjkjyjkjs uuuiiilllls uiiiil! Ghhshhshhruiuad Jukkskksijknrnsnd! Hjjsjhdhduhrjhjhd Bnusnsnnfn Bnugjhjjhd Rarjhfjtht!!!!!”
“Nope, I guess you won’t take it well considering that one minute you’re engaged to be married to the man of your dreams who has the whole of Montanan society salivating over him, and then to be told that the honeymoon’s on hold because he’s got to marry someone else first and you’ve got to wait your turn. Very “The Bachelor”! But why doesn’t she wait around until after Trey’s done with his marriage of convenience? After all he’s professing love for her and throwing clothes and jewels at her and insisting he isn’t going near Villainous Valerie with a totem pole?” Sheridan asked, puzzled.
“Vusiuaiufiu vuiajjkfjkafi, ghsuhhjhf rtygfhjt rthgeht! Erggfhghs bfuhjhhnhy? Hjhfuhkmhakhr mumnfinmnf.”
“Ohhhh… Villainous Valerie comes and shows Empress a pair of gloves that Trey owned and Empress believed that Trey betrayed her and was sleeping with his new wife!? They’re only a pair of gloves for crying out loud, not a sperm sample!” Sheridan huffed indignantly. “But you have to calm down Lola, I think I see steam escaping from under the pillow. And then what happened?”
“œuiuyyytuytuyy fraaaanceekjjkf kfconntkkj huuuhrtf lslklllllnn msmfikjjf.” the pillow heaved frantically.
“No! Empress flees to France because she’s actually a French Comtesse and she needs to go back and reclaim her family seat? But wouldn’t it make more sense if she was like, an empress or something? Then what does Trey do?”
“Huuuggfggfg ferrrrrdrakjdkj hfjhajhfjt mfm mfmgm,” raged Lola from beneath the pillow.
“What? Why does he suddenly believe that Empress is an avaricious malicious gold-digger out to get his money, who’s fled at the thought that she won’t be able to marry him for his wealth?”
“Nuiihhjt booyys yuuhhjhf stuuidppo.”
“You’re right, boys ARE stupid.”
The pillow bobbed up and down in agreement. “Popoopiiudmmam hjhfjhjrh aj hjhjhf hjhf jsj, hjhsf theukjaf,” moaned the pillow.
Sheridan gasped. “And so to forget his heartbreaking loss Trey ensconced himself in an opium den for a week but he ended up chasing the dragon even more so that he could see Empress in his opium fuelled dreams?? That is so moving! And also, drama queen much?”
“Fllekelke Ttryeyyyy jjkjkfjkjajjf whooroe llkdlka!!!!! Ukjkafkfkj ajjshfjhfja goodoa goooog!!” Lola thumped her heels against the floor angrily.
“But why didn’t Trey believe her when he finally got his divorce and went to France to look for Empress and realised she’d given birth to his son? Why did he think that she was sleeping with every Pierre and Jean Paul and Henri around and being the equivalent of the village bicycle taking part in the Tour de France?”
“Muuukkj muuuumm shhheu moooonneeeee!” a bloodcurdling howl was muffled by the pillow.
“When they did sleep together again, he tried to pay her off with money and saying that was the price of mother’s milk!?! What scum!” Sheridan was outraged.
“Muuihfhj bfbnsbbds reetety yuyuuuf,” said the pillow sadly.
“And you mean they just ended it with both of them getting back together, and no grovel from him when he realised he’d wronged her? That was it??” Sheridan squealed in outrage.
“Mmfmfmmfmfm mmmmmmmuuuusudyytyt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the pillow roared.
Sheridan sighed. “Lola, I think you might need a deep tissue massage more than me. And also a new pillow, because in case you haven’t noticed, you’ve ripped through all the stuffing.”
“Thhhaaaankssss.”
Wendy said,
April 14, 2008 @ 4:00 am
Oh, this is so unfair - a book I actually HAVE — wishlisted at PBS, no less — and for the first time, your ranview hasn’t made me want to read it!
(Sure was a fun ranview, though.)
Lyndsey said,
April 14, 2008 @ 9:31 am
Oh read the book. It is enjoyable if you are of my generation…the one that read it back when it was written. Not as good as her Russian trio of books…but worth the read anyway.
Our diva book reviews are of a much younger and hipper generation and probably had one martini too many while reading the novel. Although I did enjoy the review……
Wendy said,
April 14, 2008 @ 10:08 am
Wait, maybe more of a sobview?
La Lola said,
April 14, 2008 @ 2:16 pm
I have bought “Forbidden” from Thin Pale Scary Lady, only because I thought Etienne (the Duc) was very intriguing! Have either of you read it?
Wendy said,
April 16, 2008 @ 4:46 am
I only tried her once (Wicked, maybe?) and it turned me royally off. Yet I still have a bunch more in the TBR. This is the strange life of a romance reader.
La Lola said,
April 16, 2008 @ 9:50 am
Well “Forbidden” was quite good, but a bit wordy and with awfully small print so at some points I found myself skimming.