Mother nature speaks to me
“Bride Enchanted” by Edith Layton
Now I’m not a big believer of the whole new age “fairies and angels and unicorns and goblins live among us” theory. Possibly because if I had to choose a supernatural world to co-exist with us, it would be filled with gorgeous warrior vampires wrapped in leather wanting to throw me down in their darkened candlelit rooms, or sexy growly werewolves who want nothing more than to rip the still beating heart of a Beta Male for even glancing at me. Basically if the world of JR Ward, Lara Adrian and Kresley Cole were combined into one and real, I’d be happier than Liberache finding the entrance to Ali Baba’s cave. So you can be sure that I was less than thrilled to have read this book. Especially since I had no idea what I was getting into when I picked it up. FALSE ADVERTISING AVON ROMANCE, I thought I was reading a typical run-of-the-mill historical romance novel! For the love of sweet baby infant Jesus!!! First nitrous oxide, now goddamn immortal fairies living alongside mortals in 17th/18th century England. Is nothing sacred anymore?!!
I don’t know what did this book in for me; the highly irritating whiny heroine, the ludicrous excuse of a hero, the “amazing” plot, or the fact that reading this book was two hours of my life that I can never get back. I suppose on hindsight I should have picked up on the fact that the blurb said that there was “something mysterious, something magical and primeval about her new husband.” BUT A FAIRY?! And to top it all off, it’s not like he’s the king of fairies or an industrialist billionaire fairy (because you know why? Apparently fairies are one with mother nature and despise the onset of Industry *rolls eyes*) or a dangerous powerful fairy. No. NOOOOO!!!! He’s just a normal fairy! Come on! What kind of Romance hero is this?? *rubs temples* I’m getting a raging migraine just thinking about it. I’m sorry but this has definitely got to be one of the worst books I have ever read in my life. IN MY LIFE. I may not have lived for many years, but goddamnit I have read a lot. IN. MY. LIFE!
Eve Faraday is the heroine of this…whole *waves hands around dismissively* whatever okay she’s named Eve and a good half of the book is about her moaning and groaning and wondering out loud why and how she could have snared the attentions of the hero cos she’s all plain jane and he’s all gorgeous like a goddamn fairy. I mean, I think it’s a little charming when the heroine is all “oh he’s so good looking! And me? Well I don’t look anything like my sister the Incomparable!” but Eve Faraday basically took charming, pissed on it, and then threw it out the window. To top it off, you have her brother Sheridan. Yes. SHERIDAN. Okay I don’t even want to go there right now so you have her brother SHERIDAN right, who’s like “wow sis! He’s so good looking he can have any girl he wants and he chose you! Why?!” and she’s like “I don’t know! It must be a trick! A bet! But lord he is so good looking! I cannot believe he’s looking at me! Look how the sun shines on his hair! Look how his hair is shinier than my hair!! But still, he says he wants to be with me! He wants to love me! Oh Sheridan. WHY?” WHY? Cos he’s a goddamn immortal fairy who has been around for 300 years, has had two wives before you and who thinks you have a mystical magical womb that can bear the first half breed fairy child in hundreds of years. That’s right. That’s the plot y’all. Apparently Eve Faraday (geddit? EVE. Wow! Hits you like a ton of bricks doesn’t it? The subtle nuances. The cunning metaphors. The painful painful PAINFUL poetry Aubrey (the fairy) recites when he’s like happy and in love or whatever crap) (I’m not kidding. He rhymes and let me tell you. Shakespeare he is not.) is a real special lady who has a magical vajayjay. *cries* I cannot believe I read this book.
Oh and you know how Aubrey finds out that she’s pregnant? After each sexual encounter with Eve, Aubrey waits for her to fall asleep, then goes out in to the garden or wherever with his robe, then disrobes, and stands under the moon, in the garden or whatever and stands still like a statute and I don’t know speaks to the moon or something. Or maybe the plants talk to him. Or the rabbits. Like in Bambi. Anyway in truth I was only reading alternate pages at this point while muttering “you’ve got to be kidding me!!” every two seconds. So one night, he stands under the moon and like throws his head back because he’s so happy because the moon/rabbits/bugs/trees/vines/mother nature/ the wind told him that Eve was pregnant. Yes. That’s some amazing sperm he’s got there oh wait, wait, I forgot he’s got fairy sperm. I guess they travel twice as fast.
I just…I’m just…I can’t believe I picked this book up. You know there was this point in the book where (before it was revealed he was a you know what) that I had actually harbored hope. The villagers of the little town apparently think that Aubrey’s family is cursed; all the men in the family though extremely extremely good looking, always took their pregnant wives overseas to birth and for whatever reason, these wives and their husbands never returned, only their son. Of course then later we find out that actually it was always Aubrey. Aubrey who took his first two wives overseas because neither wife could stand the idea of people talking and gossiping about how she has aged and he has remained unchanged. Likewise, it was Aubrey who then changed his hair colour and come back pretending to be his own son. Yeah. WOW.
To be honest, I have no idea how this book ends. I kinda stopped reading after he confessed everything to her and she like thinks he is insane and is worried about him but still loves him and there was some vague talk about having him committed. That’s round about the same point where Aubrey’s “exotically beautiful” sister shows up to join this amazing cast, seduces Sheridan and takes him away to Fairyland where fruit of every kind grew on one tree and where people danced to meet each other. Honestly Fairyland sounds like a place one goes to after one has smoked up the world’s supply of pot and chased it down with magic shrooms. *slams head on desk repeatedly*
“Sheridan why are you banging your head against the table” asked Mimi, back from her shopping trip with Lola and had two goose-down pillows tucked under each of her arms. “Oh no reason. Just trying to uhm…staple something together. Oh hey check out this book I just read. It’s great! You’d love it!”
“Really?? Cool! What’s it about?”
“Uhm…you know, it’s like a normal usual historical romance novel but with a touch of the supernatural.”
“I love supernatural! I’ll start on it now!” squealed Mi, excitedly reaching for the book.
“Yeah hon, knock yourself out” says I smiling evilly. “Oh hey, I’ll be…in Mexico for a few days, maybe a week so yep. Have fun!”
Wendy said,
April 14, 2008 @ 3:56 am
I can’t WAIT to see how Mimi gets back to you for that one!
Old Edith Layton can be so awesome, but I swear, each new book of hers is more tedious than the last. (No wait, Gypsy Lover was pretty good, I think.) You want some good Layton, try The Cad.
Shannon said,
April 14, 2008 @ 9:14 am
Oh lord. It’s like they took the worst of each subgenre and mixed them together into an all new cocktail of awfulness.
You might want to check out the Mercedes Thompson series by Patricia Briggs. You get the sexy Alpha werewolves alongside what turns out to be some badass fae. None of that cavorting with butterflies in the moonlight crap. It is more Urban Fantasy than romance, but the Alphas? Come to mama!
Ana said,
April 14, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
LOL It sounds awful! Where do you find these books? Poor you! Here, have a shot of tequila.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
April 14, 2008 @ 7:08 pm
I for one am not looking forward to Mimi’s retribution. I think it might involve sharp objects and blood. My blood. I’m not sure if I want to give Ms Layton another try…I don’t know if my blood vessels can take the aggravation.
Woohoo Shannon I’ll check it out indeed! (I need some immediate supernatural Alpha lovin’ to wash away the memory of this book and since Kresley Cole’s new book isn’t going to be out until end April).
Ana, bless your heart. You are a true friend indeed.
Lady L said,
June 2, 2008 @ 10:29 am
I think I had blocked this book from my mind, reading the review jump started my memory and I actually remember that I read it. IT WAS AWFUL.
My psyche is not strong enough to tolerate me remembering this read.
In the end he decides to stay with her and live just the time of her natural life so he stops going to fairyland so that he’ll age.
It sucked angel feathers!
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
June 2, 2008 @ 10:43 am
Lady L, IT WAS AWFUL INDEED. It was probably the worst historical book I have ever read. I think largely due to the fact that I didn’t think he would be a bloody fairy.