Brokeback mountain
“Caine’s Reckoning” by Sarah McCarty
“So have you thought of what you’re going to say yet?” Sheridan asked sternly, her hands laden with Kenneth Jay Lane rings propped on her hips like a well-dressed teapot.
“Err…no. How is it you manage to lift your hands eh Sheri? Gosh, those rings must weigh a ton! Do you work out?” La Lola replied chirpily, kohl-lined eyes shifting about nervously.
“Don’t change the subject La Lola,” Sheridan looked intently at her, eyes boring into hapless Lola like a sniffer hound on crack. “You know what our mantra is: The truth above all.”
“I thought our mantra was: Hott shoes, hotter men?” said Lola puzzled.
“That too. But you owe it to our readers to be absolutely honest. They have faith in our dedication to candid reviews and fabulous wardrobes. If Mimi were here (and not off somewhere hunting down her latest serial killer fan item) she’d tell you this too!”
“But what if they can’t handle the truth?” asked Lola worriedly.
“Stop your half-rate impersonations of Jack Nicholson and talk about “Caine’s Reckoning” already Lola! Our readers are tough, they can handle anything!” shot back Sheridan.
“But.. they all loved “Caine’s Reckoning” so much! How do I tell them that even though I thought it was a pretty good book, it didn’t come close to being a BDB novel or even a Shannon McKenna. I mean, I liked Desi the heroine and all, but the things she had to go through were truly stomach churning! Being the victim of a Comanche abduction and all it entails (I don’t want to have to spell it out for you, but it’s bad. Like, “Irreversible” bad. But worse. Urgh.) and after that as the sex slave of a bunch of gross lechers, I couldn’t really handle it! The closest I can get to a tortured heroine is when she loses all her fortune and even then she manages to resolve this by dressing in breeches and signing on as a stable boy with a nearsighted earl.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I thought the Hell’s Eight were pretty macho and alpha in a cowboy way. High ho silver y’all! Plus eight of them at once! There’s your eight layer decker manwich right there. And Caine was a big cuddly deadly killer sweetheart, who falls hard for Desi and doesn’t hold her past against her. Awwww… cho chweet!” Lola sniffed delicately.
“But honestly, I don’t know whether Caine’s got some latent, unburied, umm, batting for the same team kind of fantasies. Because really, he does have an unhealthy interest for Desi’s butt and playing with it. (Do you think he’s a French cowboy?) By which I don’t mean some healthy, normal good old American spanking. But let’s just say he likes to make Desi’s ass his new home. Like an earthworm burrowing kind of new home. I mean dude, your wife was a sex slave for like, 2 years and this is how you think to go slow with her? Plus Desi ends up liking it. Maybe Caine’s the way he is because he’s had his eye on one of the Hell’s Eight all the time but cannot let his innermost desires show. I have dibs on Tracker! But Caine, it has become much more acceptable for cowboy heroes to explore alternative love interests. Texas Joe doesn’t need to limit himself to the preacher’s daughter or the schoolmarm. Now he can go on a wild ride with Farmhand Luke!”
“You might have a point there,” Sheridan said thoughtfully. “I always thought the Lone Ranger and Tonto had a weird close connection going on. Tonto jump on it indeed!”
“But anyway lucky lucky Desi,” sighed Lola dreamily. “Ok, maybe not so lucky considering the whole abused and sex slave thing. But Caine really loved her! And when she got kidnapped by some rogue Apache Jack (I kid you not, that’s really his name. Fabulous!) Caine is gripped with fear and anguish for her. His fists clench with rage at the thought of her in dire straits and calling for him. What a sweetie Cain is, brokeback mountain tendencies notwithstanding. And wait til you find out how she gets loose of the ropes that Apache Jack has tied her up in Sheri. She pees on them! So that they become loose and she wriggles free. She totally does a golden shower MacGuyver!” Lola says, impressed.
“Eeewwwwww,” Sheridan groans. “That’s so gross! Almost as gross as the skulls that Mimi is trying to convince us will look good as pencil holders.”
“Anyway, I think I developed a bit of a complex Sheri… Because back to Caine going all gaga over Desi’s rosebud hole. Uh huh. That’s right. Her startled starburst *pauses as Sheridan has roared with laughter* Are you finished?” La Lola asks primly. “That was actually in the book! Oh and by the way. If any impressionable youths are reading this review right now, step away from the computer! What would your mama say?? As I was saying, Caine loooves Desi’s startled starburst/ rosebud hole/ backdoor passage. So much so that he licks it. Not her left cheek. Not her right cheek. Her butthole. And get this, it tasted sweet and delicious to him. Dude, I don’t know what Desi does with it, but it ain’t got no call to taste sweet! Unless you’re telling me Desi is some kind of vampire who doesn’t have any normal bodily functions. Sorry to be gross and all. And I have enough of a complex about my body image as it is. I mean, isn’t it enough that I have to deal with heroines who are booby and yet svelte and with masses of curly blonde hair (apparently all natural, the bitches!) and green eyes which you can drown in. I don’t need to feel worse by the fact that if someone licks my pucker, it ain’t going to taste sweet! Can we have some realism please,” said Lola huffily.
“Uh ok, I truly think that was one of the more disturbing tirades you’ve ever had Lola,” replied Sheridan, inching away toward the door. “I’ll just be in the kitchen, organising the chocolate Easter Egg hunt for Sven and Juan ok? They’ve really been looking forward to it, but are a bit peeved that we’ve made them dress up as the Easter Bunny. Juan said something about how he thinks the Easter Bunny would be wearing something more than just bunny ears and a loin cloth.”
“But don’t you want to hear about Tracker?” Lola called out. “I looooveeee Tracker.”
“Never mind, join us for the Easter Playgirl Bunny hunt when you can!”
Gummy Bear said,
March 21, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
OHMIGOD! you ladies crack me up!!! i laughed aloud at my laptop just now.. like an idiot. thanks for the awesome review.. as always =)
Ana said,
March 21, 2008 @ 8:45 pm
LOL I almost spilled my coffee!!!
lauren said,
March 21, 2008 @ 9:31 pm
LOL, that’s exactly how I felt and I think that just made it all the funnier.
cutepolishgirl68 said,
March 21, 2008 @ 9:56 pm
I am glad you finally read this book, but sorry you did not enjoy it as much. But can we say in all honesty with each other- the BDB are in a whole stratosphere by themselves ( Can we give a hoohaa for June 3 coming soon), and to compare others to them, well who really could ever hope to measure up. Anyway, I loved this book -butt play not withstanding- and I really am looking forward to McCarty’s next one.
PS. My Rico Suave (also named Juan) dressed up one year as the EB for the kids, but I kind of like the idea of just ears and loincloth on him….I’ll have to arrange that for this weekend!
Jill D. said,
March 21, 2008 @ 10:06 pm
Thank god someone said it. I know I didn’t want to be the one to have to point out the whole french kissing the back door is just not normal. That is so gross - not sexy at all. And wouldn’t it be unsanitary? I shudder to think of it. YUCK!
Shannon said,
March 21, 2008 @ 11:09 pm
I’m dying here. Seriously. You crack me up. I am so glad I read your review. Now I am highly amused and I know to never read this book. Backdoor play is not something I tend to look for in my reading. To each her own, but not me. kthanx.
hmmmm… bunny ears and a loin cloth, you say? I need to catch me a bunny like that!
La Lola said,
March 21, 2008 @ 11:32 pm
Hey guys, glad you liked the review!
Sheridan did insist I try and put it in a more delicate way. This from the girl who insisted that the loincloths Mimi had chosen for Juan and Sven covered too much (even though I think dental floss covers more).
And CPG, happy Easter egg hunting! *wink* May this weekend bring you lots of chocolatey egg goodness! Let me know how the rest of the Hell’s Eight series goes. I might not read them, but I’m interested in what happens to the rest, like Ari, Desi’s unfortunate sister.
mallory said,
March 22, 2008 @ 2:45 am
CPG, I’m with you. I loved this book and can’t wait for Sam the man’s book.
Hey, I just noticed you ladies don’t have a Loretta Chase’s Lord Of Scoundrels review. OMG! You must read this book. Dain will break your heart, and Jessica. man, she will break your legs….nah, she will just shoot you. Srsly, its a great book and I highly recommend it.
Ana said,
March 22, 2008 @ 8:20 pm
OH, I totally agree with Mallory, you should review a Loretta Chase, Lord of Scoundrels is my all time favorite. Come on girls, I would love to see what you have to say about it!
lauren said,
March 22, 2008 @ 10:44 pm
While I enjoyed LoTS I never really understood it’s mega appeal, I mean there are some good parts and there is good character development, but it just seemed average to me. So I guess I’d like a review to see what I’m missing.
Kristie(J) said,
March 26, 2008 @ 11:49 am
I wanted to like this one - I really did. I thinks she can write well. But considering the heroine’s past, I thought he was pretty darn selfish to push her so fast. She needed time to get over her trauma and he just didn’t give her any. Couldn’t get past that. So I didn’t get as far as many of the backdoor scenes -which is just as well ’cause they would cause me to scrunch up my face and go yuck! Which isn’t something I want to do whilst reading a love scene.
La Lola said,
March 26, 2008 @ 1:55 pm
Hola Kristie(J) and welcome to RMB! I did think that Caine managed to overcome Desi’s hang-ups a bit too easily. (Maybe she checked in with a Western shrink?) Anyway, I would say that I am far from a prude (ask Sheridan- she will vouch for this) but I did think the “licking the puck” stuff was a bit out there. And I HAVE read a book where the hero had 2 penises.
lauren said,
March 27, 2008 @ 6:16 am
I agree, I can’t think of any other books where the heroine had been raped so recently and magicly gets all better so fast, that was a big part of the reason I couldn’t finish it.
brandy said,
March 30, 2008 @ 12:18 am
Gurgle, snort, wheeze - Please, please, please never stop. Even if you go all Stephen Hawking and have to dictate your thoughts through a typewriter so that they are broadcast from tinny-voiced out of a speaker (currently visualizing how “startled starburst” would sound coming from said tinny-voiced speaker - snort, wheeze, gurgle…), please don’t ever stop! I laughed so hard it qualified as exercise! Thank you for making my day!
La Lola said,
March 30, 2008 @ 2:08 am
Hi Brandy, rest assured that if it ever comes down to it, we will find someway of programming this blog so that you can download audiofiles of our reviews/raniews. Why? Because we care. Because we care to tell you about books with unrealistically sweet anuses. I think that this selfless behaviour should also qualify us for a Nobel Prize! When do nominations open??
Lady L said,
June 1, 2008 @ 4:27 am
OMG ROFLMAO I hadn’t been able to put into word what was kinda wrong about this book, I mean I get it, it was the only way she hadn’t been taken but dude c’mon she does have other more womanly parts too.
The story is good and I really can’t wait to see if they find the sister (wich of course they will and she’ll be a heroine), so that’s why I’m waiting for the next book in this series.
This isn’t for the faint of heart or weak stomachs.
I loved it when she went to the livingroom sleepwalking and went to keep sleeping on his lap cause it was “safe” she said… awwwwwww
La Lola said,
June 1, 2008 @ 1:43 pm
I wasn’t too turned off by the sex (see the rest of the books I read and you’ll know why) but for some reason, the book didn’t grab me. But I’ll be eager to know how the rest of the series develops, so keep us posted Lady L!
Lady L said,
October 7, 2008 @ 6:38 am
I read the second book in this series a while back, I waited for it so much and it didn’t live up to this one in my opinion, I don’t know what it was, maybe the fact that the hero doesn’t have that alpha “you’re mine forever” kinda thing in the largest part of the book, it was good but not great.
I can’t wait for the next book in the promises series it’s coming out on the 8th of this month.
La Lola said,
October 7, 2008 @ 9:17 am
“maybe the fact that the hero doesn’t have that alpha “you’re mine forever” kinda thing.” I guess Caine manifests this through marking Desi’s bottom as his. I’m down with that. It’s when he tries to do it with his saliva, that really gets to me.
Jen said,
October 27, 2008 @ 10:18 am
I laughed so hard I cried . . .
La Lola said,
October 27, 2008 @ 10:53 am
Awwww…. we here at RMB do have a tendency to make people burst into tears. Thank the sweet Lord it’s for a good reason this time Jen!