I’m not ready to make nice
“The Wife Trap” by Tracy Anne Warren
Now recently (ok, like yesterday), my therapist told me that I should write letters to people who have pissed me off, as a form of anger management. She cautioned however that I should not send out said letters lest I find myself being hunted and gutted down by hired hitmen. However she was not amused when I excitedly asked if said hitmen would be a gorgeously tortured Alpha Male clad in leather who would take one look at me and then spirit me away to his hideout where we will make sweet sweet love and we would then be on the run from his colleagues who were itching to take him out so that they can be numero uno in the hitmen world. OR, if I would be rescued by any member of team McCloud.
Rarely do I despise the heroine of a Romance novel for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the lead male (i.e. he’s 12 kinds of deliciousness and she doesn’t want to get with him because obviously her IQ is lower than that of my Aunt Bertie’s pet goat who was found drinking its own pee). And you must know, I am not a violent person, nor do I harbor any serial killer tendencies unlike some people I know, but Jeanette makes me want to go all Saw I, Saw II AND Saw III on her fair ass. Err… no Mi, not right now. Maybe later but hey! Cool masks!
Anyway, in a bid to lead a calmer more sedate life, I have written said letter, and set out the less aggressive contents here:
Jeanette,
You are a moron and a world class b*tch. I absolutely hated you in “Husband Trap†and wanted you to fall down the stairs repeatedly. You are a spiteful cow, especially to your sister Violet who has done nothing but endure your snide comments to her about her dressing and pursuit of intellectual satisfaction. Perhap you may want to pick up a book or two as well, assuming you can read because you have proven to be dumber than above mentioned pet goat since in the “Husband Trapâ€, you would rather be with loser Toddy than Adrian. His name is TODDY. That’s all I have to say. I have never read about a bigger brat than you and you know that I’ve read a lot. I mean, Paris Hilton doesn’t even come close to being half as bratty and as self absorbed and self important as you are and so you should totally be ashamed of yourself. You did not deserve your own book as that would mean you managed to get your grubby hands on an Alpha Male. You don’t deserve an Alpha Male. Especially not a titled Alpha Male and one as nice as Darragh O’Brien!
You irritated me numerous times in the book and I admit I was hugely disappointed when things did not turn out the way I so desperately hoped that they would. I elaborate below:
1. When your wagon got stuck in the mud on route to Ireland, I prayed that the “mud†was actually a sinking pit of tar in which carnivorous creatures lived. I wanted so desperately for the people with whom you were traveling with pitched you over into said “mud†and watched while you were being chomped alive. No person should be allowed to whine and b*tch as much as you so obviously did for what seemed like a good chapter of the book. No one CARES about the fact that you couldn’t get out of the carriage because you didn’t want to spoil your new dress; especially since you being in the carriage added to the load your poor coachmen had to drag out of the mud. Alas, the Romance gods failed to hear my keening cries and sent instead, Darragh. Who flirted with you, then CARRIED you across the mud and plonked you in the shade. Darragh the charming cheeky Earl who honestly should be knighted for his ability to refrain from stabbing you through the heart while you slept, or booting you off the nearest cliff. Darragh the patron saint of patience and tolerance.
2. When you stole and hid Darragh’s blue-prints from the “construction site†so that you could sleep in a little bit later, and then went around hiding every single construction tool so that the men were unable to start work in the morning (despite Darragh telling you that the men were paid by the hour), I wished death upon you. I wanted you to be compelled at gun point to stand against the newly constructed wall of your cousin’s abode, and have each workman take turns throwing each located tool at you. A barrel of whiskey to the first person who manages to draw blood! Instead, you get to wiggle your ass in front of Darragh and get him all hot and bothered and your deeds went without a single horsewhipping. Unacceptable!
3. When you insulted Darragh repeatedly and looked down at him because you thought he was a commoner, my hands itched to smack you repeatedly. When you were caught with him in a rather compromising position (the most compromising position any historical heroine has been caught in yet), I wanted you to be stoned by the townsfolk. Whaddya mean they don’t do that in Ireland?
Needless to say, I was less than amused when your “punishment†for such causing such aggravation to myself was being locked in a cottage with Darragh and made to do simple household chores. Later, when you finally discover that Darragh is no common architect (your fault by the way, for failing to let him finish his sentences), you throw down a major hissy fit at having been deceived (conveniently forgetting how awful you were to Violet and Adrian) and run off with Toddy when Darragh refuses to take you to London. TODDY. I rest my case. You *are* a moron. And you know what the worst part is? You have detracted me from Darragh! I was unable to enjoy his manly presence in the book because you were so mind consumingly annoying to me. Darragh deserved better Jeanette. He deserved me at least cracking one joke about how I want to nibble on his lucky charms and ride across his rainbow to reach the pot of gold. But no, you had to ruin that didn’t you? B****.
Ecstatic beyond belief to be rid of you,
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta
Wow. I do feel a lot better. Then again, it could be that the two bottles of wine I chugged before starting this review have finally kicked in. Woohoo!! *ahem* yeah. Definitely.
Wendy said,
March 12, 2008 @ 9:13 am
I couldn’t read this one and now I know why.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
March 12, 2008 @ 4:10 pm
I quite like Tracy Anne Warren as a historical author but reading about Jeanette just about nearly killed me with aggravation. Save yourself the pain Wendy!
andrea said,
March 12, 2008 @ 6:22 pm
Obviously, your therapist has no sense of humor what so ever. I on the other hand was extremely amused.
cutepolishgirl68 said,
March 12, 2008 @ 8:37 pm
I read this book and immediately gave it away so I would no longer have it in my “keep” piles- I did not wish to stumble upon it in the future!!
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
March 13, 2008 @ 8:54 am
Hi Andrea, I think she must not read Romance novels. I thought it was hilarious and could have gone on forever!
Hola cpg, after reading the book, I too immediately threw it out lest Jeanette’s annoying-ness infects my other books. I’m saddened because I really really really like Adrian the Mantasy (rock on Mallory!). He was hands down the best part in “The Wife Trap” (and sad to say, “The Wedding Trap”).
mallory said,
March 13, 2008 @ 11:45 am
Yes! Jeanette sucked boogies! I hated that whiny brat. She just kept getting worse and worse as the book went on and I never felt like the author redeemed her at the end. Every time I want to take a walk down pissed off lane, I will seek out this book.
Tracy said,
June 11, 2008 @ 12:51 am
This is a BAD BAD book. I’m speechless as the author would want to write a book about such a BLOODY heroine. You do NOT read it. When you see it in the bookstore, you do NOT touch it. You walk PAST it. I rest my case.