La Lola’s 59.2 minutes
“His Royal Love-Child” by Lucy Monroe
OK, so the plot of “His Royal Love-Child” seemed promising enough: Wealthy Italian prince who also happens to be the head of a wealthy shipping conglomerate sets his randy sights on feisty American girl working at his company (aka FAG). But as their relationship remains secret, FAG starts to feel insecure and breaks up with wealthy president of a shipping conglomerate who’s ALSO royalty but later finds out she’s pregnant.
I’m well-prepared for some teeth gnashing but I figure, what the heck, it’s a short book which will take precisely 59.2 minutes of my time to read, during which I can leave my miracle SKII mask on at the same time. Once I’m done with the book, it would have been 59.2 minutes spent reading an engaging book with my face also been smoother than the proverbial baby’s ass. Make that a baby who by some miracle of nature, has never crapped in his diaper before, leaving his butt the envy of all the other babies on the block.
But I was wrong. So wrong. Because 59.2 minutes spent wishing you could kill the heroine is 59.2 minutes trapped in a mask trying not to scream and crack your face because that would mean a waste of the SKII mask which cost more than the GDP of Cambodia.
After 4 minutes: Have read that the hero, Marcello Scorsolini, besides being the youngest son of an Italian royal family, with their own island somewhere in the Mediterranean, is also the millionaire president of his own company. Am disappointed Marcello is not a billionaire, but not everyone is perfect. If you have 999 million dollars, are you still a millionaire? Must ask Sheridan later. Mask is sitting nicely and adhering to the contours of my face.
After 6 minutes: Heroine Danette Michaels is the secret mistress of Marcello and is hopping mad with rage because she has seen photo of Marcello and gorgeous European woman in gossip magazine along the lines of Hello! Almost roll eyes at the thought of a heroine called Danette because she sounds like a biscuit, and stop myself in time because I don’t want to dislodge the mask. Realise that rolling eyeballs will not dislodge mask, and proceed to roll away.
After 14 minutes: Marcello and The Biscuit are in a huge fight because The Biscuit doesn’t want to be kept a dirty little secret any longer. Marcello insists that he has to build on his playboy image so that the paparazzi will not suspect that he’s seeing someone and make life hell for The Biscuit. Stupidest explanation ever. Fortunately Marcello is not next in line to inherit the throne, because if I were a citizen of that county I would migrate to Greece. Thinking of my smooth cheeks once mask is off. Will surely glow like a luminous pearl. Must remember to ask Mimi if I am glowing like a luminous pearl. Hope she will not say that I look more like an oyster.
After 22 minutes: More bickering between Marcello and Danette about their clandestine relationship. For ease of reference, will start to refer to them as Dello. Am bored of constant rehashing of same issues. Now revealed that M. believes he has low sperm count. Can see where that’s leading to. Hero will then find that formerly laggardly sperm will leap to the top of the class and become superheroes capable of battling their way to any egg. Plus there’s also a picture of a heavily preggers Danette on the cover, so no doubts there. Must replenish supply of SKII miracle masks which are running low. Wonder if Sven has been pinching them. His skin is looking suspiciously moist and supple. Do not believe explanation that his Scandinavian skin does well in our weather, as previously he always resembled a blood orange with sunburn.
After 25 minutes: Danette the Biscuit is set up on a double-date with her best friend, her best friend’s boyfriend and another guy. Danette walks in to find that Marcello is also there with his family. Lots of jealous and possessive sparks fly as Marcello shoots them out of his eyes like a potato launcher. Marcello comes over to confront the group. This should be fun! Wonder if I should place a trap and catch Sven in the act of stealing my masks. He will have to give me a grapefruit and coconut massage in apology but I am nothing if not magnanimous.
After 27 minutes: The Biscuit is crushed because Marcello is not admitting that they are dating and has casually mentioned that he does not believe in dating employees. But he is still acting like a growly manly bear and baring his teeth at the other man in a livid fashion. Possessive prince! Me likey! Now we’re getting to the good stuff. Mask is starting to tingle. Miracles are mine! Must not smile lest I crack my mask.
After 31 minutes: Marcello follows The Biscuit back to her house, and is relieved to find that Plot Device Other Man is not present. Tells The Biscuit that he would have come out of his car and beaten up Plot Device Other Man, secret affair or no secret affair. The Biscuit does not feel a little thrill shoot up her spine as I have, and banishes Marcello without his daily serving of nookie. Stupid Biscuit. Does she not know he is a prince?? Not a billionaire prince, but still royalty! Hastily smoothen mask in case it starts to crack. Mimi has stopped by to chat. She says I resemble Jason from Friday the 13th and asks if it’s Serial Killer Night. It will never be Serial Killer night Mimi!
After 35 minutes: The Biscuit has broken up with The Prince! Parfait imbecile! Marcello is shocked at being dumped by The Biscuit. La Lola is shocked that Marcello has been dumped by The Biscuit. Queen Elizabeth is shocked that Marcello has been dumped by The Biscuit. Princes do not grow on trees like low-hanging fruit! If so I would be the first one signing up for a tour of the fruit farm, gathering such fruit and stuffing them down my dress (where they nestle like contented little squirrels between my breasts) so that I can carry more. Getting harder to keep facial muscles still. Now I too have something to blame The Biscuit for.
(Side note: I have never had, and never will have, squirrels nestled between my breasts. What if they try to crack open certain parts thinking they are acorns?!)
After 41 minutes: The Biscuit is pregnant with a baby Biscuit. Marcello finds out that he no longer has to curse his sperm when he goes to sleep, and instead can give thanks for the virility of his royal seed, which has flowered in The Biscuit’s welcoming field. Lip curls upwards in derision and have to hastily curl it down again. Is filled with disbelief that The Biscuit refuses to marry him. La Lola is filled with disbelief that The Biscuit refuses to marry him. Queen Elizabeth is filled with disbelief that The Biscuit refuses to marry him. Pleads with The Biscuit to give his baby a name, and not let it be born a bastard (Marcello, not Queen E). The Biscuit reveals that she suffered from scoliosis as a child and had to wear a body brace. Remember a book by Judy Blume La Lola had read when I was 10 called “Deenie” where the girl had to wear a back brace. Startled me so much at the time that I tried walking around with a wooden plank down my shirt but took it out after it gave me splinters. Wonder if my skin will again look the way it did when I was 10. It just might, provided I can keep it together for the next 18.2 minutes.
After 48 minutes: Dello are now ensconced in the royal palace, because Marcello is worried that The Biscuit will see the headlines in the tabloids. Marcello is sweetly concerned about The Biscuit, taking care of her when she has morning sickness and bringing her a cup of tea every morning, even though she has refused to sleep with him. Stupid Biscuit. If you do not cater to the tastes of the rich and royal low-hanging fruit, he will go off and find a Cheap Cookie who will. Almost at the 59.2 minute mark. Glowing skin is mine!
After 53 minutes: The Biscuit still refuses to believe that Marcello loves her, despite his avowals to the contrary. Am now fed up with Marcello too. Cannot understand why he is so enamoured with The Biscuit! Wish Dello would hurry up and get together already. They are very bad for my facial regime! The mask is starting to wrinkle around my cheeks due to my repeated jaw-clenching. For the amount I am paying for this mask, every drop of the pitera and nutrients in it had better be utilised or I will not be a happy bunny. Am nearly startled out of my wits because Sheridan has screamed at the sight of me and insists that I look like the V for Vendetta guy. Flip her the bird as I cannot speak lest I wrinkle the mask.
After 59.2 minutes: At last! Dello has gotten their act together and sailed off into the sunset to establish a whole bakery of little biscuits. I whip off the mask and examine myself in the mirror. Success! I have stood my ground in the face of constant indecision on the part of Marcello and The Biscuit and have held my facial muscles relatively still despite the aggravation and whining. *pats cheeks wonderingly* Am ready to strut around outside. Must urge everyone around me to wear sunglasses in the face of my overwhelming beauty, lest I blind them all with a glow to rival the sun. Will also try and locate mousetrap and leave it in SKII box, so that itchy Nordic fingers will think twice about pinching my masks.
lauren said,
February 24, 2008 @ 2:25 pm
I am happy that I am not the only one who felt this way about this book, I hated Dante and just didn’t care after the first prolonged bickering.
andrea said,
February 24, 2008 @ 6:28 pm
Lola, you make me laugh! Just the name of the book is enough to make me not want to read it.
Wendy said,
February 25, 2008 @ 5:05 am
How annoying that I have this book on its way to me right now. At least it was a good deal at paperbackswap. The third one in the series isn’t half bad.
Andrea, you have to learn to let the names just flow over you. Reading Harlequin Presents can be a very zen experience.
La Lola said,
February 25, 2008 @ 4:25 pm
Hey Andrea, glad you liked the review. It makes the upheaval to my facial regime almost bearable!
Hi Lauren and Wendy: I did like the 3rd book better. Have either of you read the first one? Just picked it up from the bookshop today and going back to immerse myself in more Harlequin hijinks.
lauren said,
February 25, 2008 @ 11:20 pm
I liked the third book too, of all of them it had the most room for the intensity that LM does so well when she’s on, but for whatever reason I didn’t love it like I had expected, I’d say it was like a B- read for me, good but not great. I actually liked the first book the most in the series, the writing style just reminded me more of the LM books I loved then the later two did. It’s still not her best, but IMO it’s better then rest in this series.
Wendy said,
February 27, 2008 @ 4:23 am
i don’t think I’ve read the first one, but it’s hard to be sure with these things.
andrea said,
February 27, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
I probably should be posting this on the page where you reviewed all the BDB books, but I wasn’t sure if you would be going back to those since it has been awhile since they have been written. I just wanted to tell you that I was never interested in reading any BDB books untill I read your website, even after all the good reviews on Amazon. However, after finding this website, I decided to take a chance and ordered them at once. OH, MY GOD! I have only finished the first two, and I am now obsessed! I have already pre ordered Lover enshrined. I feel like a teenager with her first crush! I can’t eat ( a good thing) or sleep( a bad thing, I do have a job that requires me to be awake) and I cut my workout short because I was impatient to start Zsadist’s book(now i regret that because I will be fat and none of the brothers will want me)!Thank God my children are all grown up and out of the house because they would get no mothering from me! And my husband can fend for himself, sort of. So anyway , thank you ladies for introducing me to JR Ward. I must now get back to my reading!
La Lola said,
February 27, 2008 @ 10:16 pm
*Lol* Another hapless victim has joined the melee of madness and sexy death that is the BDB! Better polish up those fighting skills Andrea, because here at RMB, we defend to the death all claims to our choice of Brother!
andrea said,
February 28, 2008 @ 3:08 am
I thought I could only love a Shannon Mckenna hero(Nick Ward is now at the top of that list), but now , I too want a vampire lover! I will try not to step on anyone’s toes as I work my way through the books and try to decide which brother is for me. It’s like only picking one flavor of ice cream.
Wendy said,
March 4, 2008 @ 2:38 am
Speaking of not being able to tell them apart - it turns out its actually the FIRST one that’s on its way to me. Awww, I don’t get to read about the bickering Biscuit!
Wendy said,
March 9, 2008 @ 3:20 am
And man, it was so boring! Not at all what I expect from Lucy Monroe. Where’s the gut clench? Where’s the drama?
I got the Biscuit book too, hope springs eternal…
La Lola said,
March 9, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
Just got “3 Brides for 3 Bad Boys” by Lucy Monroe and will post a review for it soon. Pretty good, but not as heart twingey as can be expected.