An ode to shift-1
“An Anonymous Book” by an Anonymous Author
A RipMyBodice disclaimer from a highly irritated Romance novel reviewer: Dear readers, the title and author of this book shall remain anonymous to protect the gentle feelings of the author as this my friends, is going to get personal. Please also note that this review is used as an example of how NOT to write a novel of any genre, especially a Romance novel.
Bolstered by the great read that is “All Night with the Boss†and thinking that miracles do happen, I decided to go on a Harlequin Romance novel spree, picking up stacks of “bite-sized†paperback novels, hoping to stumble upon a similar gem! Standing in the narrow aisle and surrounded by floor to ceiling Romance novels, I spotted one with a rather promising title. “Ooh!†said I to La Lola (who at the time was shoving as many Patricia Gaffney books into her shopping bag as humanly possible), “this one sounds like the second half of Paradise! A married couple in love separates due to a misunderstanding, he’s a wealthy corporate raider, and she’s a fashionista who is asking him for a favor! Gosh I haven’t read a non-serial killer/deranged killer related contemporary novel in SUCH a long time!†Happily, I then immediately settled into my couch when back at the RMB offices, and started reading the story of Mr and Mrs X, who fell in love at first sight, and got married! Mr X had never felt this way before and the minute he saw her, touched her, he knew that he had to have her because she was so different from all the other beautiful women that he has dated!
Passion!
Desire!
Love!
Like most Alpha Males, Mr X was possessive and easily jealous! When Mrs X was asked to front some cosmetic/fashion line, he didn’t want her to because she would have to be away from him for a considerable amount of time. Plus, he didn’t like the look of the owner of said cosmetic fashion line! Unfortunately for Mr X, Mrs X is one of those career women who is like “Look there is nothing going on with owner of cosmetic/fashion line and it’s just business! Nothing is going on!†Little is she aware however, that the owner of cosmetic/fashion line is a dung beetle who insinuates gleefully to Mr X that he is having an affair with his wife.
Outrage!
Bitterness!
Anger!
Believing the words of a stranger and not his own wife (as most Alpha Males are wont to do), Mr X throws Mrs X an ultimatum – if you agree to do this photo-shoot and be the face of whatever cosmetic/fashion line, our marriage is over! Horrified that Mr X does not believe her and realizing that Mr X is incapable of trusting anybody and unable to love, she packs her bags and heads out! The story then picks up when Mrs X calls Mr X for a favor; to attend her sister’s wedding with her as her husband as her family is unaware of the breakdown of their marriage, and her father has just recently suffered a heart attack! Deciding to humor his soon-to-be ex-wife and wanting to lord whatever favor he can gain from her by granting her this boon, he agrees to meet her for dinner. What he does not expect is his reaction to her! To her beauty! To her body! He agrees to head back to whatever small town/suburbia she comes from in order to keep up their happily married charade for the sake of her father (whom he likes very much). To their surprised, they have been given 1 room. To share! Will the memory of their used to be passion resurface? How could they have been caught OFF-GUARD by the possibility that they might have to SHARE A ROOM? How will they survive the night together?
Predictably, Mr and Mrs X get it on, though I’m not sure how, since they had as much chemistry together as Britney and undergarments. And in another “boy I sure did not see that one coming†plot twist, Mrs X gets pregnant! Yes! Because all it takes, is one powerful moment of ejaculation by an Alpha Male and every woman within a five mile radius gets pregnant by default! Still believing however that Mrs X is having an affair with owner of whatever, he suspects that the baby is his and spitefully gives orders for his elaborate revenge plot to take place. Oh! I forgot to tell you! By way of revenge, Mr X had been secretly planning to take over the company of owner. Yes! I know! Awesome!
Fantastic!
Fierce!
Spectacular!
And…then I threw the book across my office.
For those of you who care about the ending and have a strong need for closure, I did give the book another try a week later, to discover that remarkably Mr X had a change of heart and decides that he cannot let Mrs X raise the child alone and so, confronts owner of whatever and demands that he take responsibility. Blah Blitty Blitty Blah Blah Blah later, the owner of whatever confesses that he had lied to Mr X about the affair and Mr X feels really awful about not having believed Mrs X all these months/years and then…he says something or does some grand gesture or whatever and she takes him back.
And…then I threw the book out the window and opened a bottle of wine. Please send all the alcohol you have to spare because just thinking about this book is evoking deep desire to drink myself to blindness and amnesia.
andrea said,
February 20, 2008 @ 6:32 pm
Please do not drink yourself to blindness because then we not get to read anymore of your very funny, hysterical reviews. I’m pretty sure it takes quite awile to learn braile.
I saw that a few other people have recomended Caine’s Reckoning. I would have to agree with them that you girls may like it. I have read it twice already and can’t wait for the books that follow it to come out.
gracieclay said,
February 21, 2008 @ 7:20 am
I feel for you love, I really do…this is why I stay the hell away from those cookie cutter books.
*hands over fresh bottle of vodka* Here you can have my spare bottle, I’m going shopping tomorrow for more.
lauren said,
February 21, 2008 @ 9:31 am
With HP books there are some that are perfect guilty pleasures, there are a lot that are the reason romance gets a bad name. Unfortunatly because they are all so crafted in a similiar fashion it’s hard to find the good ones, but if you want to try again I would suggest reading Lucy Monroe or Jane Porter.
Wendy said,
February 21, 2008 @ 9:46 am
Fess up - it was Anne Mather, wasn’t it.
gracieclay said,
February 21, 2008 @ 9:53 am
I second Lauren’s suggestion! Lucy Monroe is excellent, I’m reading a book of hers now that has three short stories in it and they are all great! All of her books are good, I have trouble with the historical ones, I don’t know why, but the contemps are great!
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
February 21, 2008 @ 10:25 am
Thanks Lauren, when I am strong enough, I will try again. Lucy Monroe eh? Is there a particular book that is good? I miss reading great contemps of the non-murder mystery kind so I wouldn’t mind giving it a go. Also, bless your good alcoholic heart gracieclay for that bottle of vodka. You are a true friend indeed.
Wendy, I would tell you if it was but it isn’t! *cross my heart*
Andrea (and all those who have recommended Caine’s Reckoning) - We’re working on getting our hands on a copy! I’m glad you enjoyed this review
Wendy said,
February 22, 2008 @ 12:54 am
Not Anne Mather? Wow. No one ever makes me throw books against the wall like she does. But I guess the torch has been passed on.
These may be the single most embarrassing words I’ve ever typed, but Monroe’s The Billionaire’s Pregnant Mistress is really good.
lauren said,
February 22, 2008 @ 7:25 am
Equally horribly titled The Greek’s Christmas Baby was also great, it’s the only HP book I’ve read more then once, and don;t worry it only has Christmas in the title because it was sold in Dec and they do some Christmas shopping in it.
And, Wendy I liked one historical by her I read, but the paranormal highlander one I read,I didn’t like at all, it was too blah.
Wendy said,
February 22, 2008 @ 2:54 pm
Lucy Monroe? I only really like her HPs. I’m pretty fussy about historicals.
lauren said,
February 23, 2008 @ 5:45 am
I’m sorry Wendy I meant to say that to Gracielady, she was the one who said that she didn’t like LM’s historicals, not you. Opps.