2 for the price of 1
“The Twilight Lord” by Bertrice Small
Where do I begin?
To tell the story of how great a love can be.
No seriously.
Do I start with the hero? Yeah, let’s start with him. Only, which one is he? Is he Magnus Hauk, husband to Lara, enchanted half faerie princess? Or is he Kol the Twilight Lord of the Dark Lands, with two (count them! I did!) TWO penises. Most (if not all) would say that Magnus is the hero. I say if the other guy has 2 dicks, he deserves a blue ribbon at the very least.
‘The Twilight Lord’ is the 3rd in the World of Hetar series by Bertrice Small. Note that I say series and not trilogy, which means we can expect more of these frightening babies. I’ve never read Bertrice Small (whose initials are BS, fancy that!) and this book has taught me that (a) always let your conscience be your guide (if only I had listened to Jiminy!) and (b) spider sense is your friend. I started arse first (i.e with the 3rd book) but rest assured gentle reader, you won’t be lost because BS fills you in on the back story. Again. And again. And again. I could recite it in my sleep but won’t, less I deservedly get suffocated by a pillow.
Lara Croft of the faerie world is half mortal, half faerie. She’s out to fulfill her destiny although the poor little thing doesn’t know what it is, except it’s probably linked to her magical vagina. When the book begins, she has 2 kids by her first husband (who was killed by his brother who was then killed by Lara, Vagina Princess) and a daughter by her second, Magnus, who might or might not be the hero of this proud tale. Lara being half-faerie, will only bear the children of a man she loves. There’s some prophecy about how she will balance the darkness and the light, and Kol the Twilight Lord (he of the 2 ding dongs) believes that she is the mother to his unborn son. Once he has a son, he will be able to take over the world and own McDonald’s or something like that.
So he kidnaps Lara and wipes her memory clean and convinces her that she’s his wife. Lara is happy in his bed because after all, the man does have 2 penises. One of which is silver like tin foil. Whilst in most other instances this would guarantee him a spot in Ripley’s Believe it or Not, in the world of the Twilight Lords, this is a sign of his prowess (obviously). He explains to the amnesiac Lara that she’d been aware of his 2 rods (one of which is described as the ‘Dominant.’ *peals of hysterical laughter*) all along. Somehow, I think that even if you had amnesia, you don’t forget a thing like 2 dicks on one guy. Did I mention that one of them was silver? I did. Oh. Well I guess it’s because I’ve never come across something like that before. You know, a silver dick. Obviously Lara is not in the habit of taking gingko nut to improve her short term memory. Better start now woman.
So, these 2 manroots (BS’s favourite word, not mine. The thought of that wants me to scrape out my brain with a rusty spoon) are used to great effect on Lara. I don’t know how it works exactly, but I think one does what it’s supposed to do, and the silver penis vibrates around in the back, like some kind of eggbeater. Plus when Kol impregnates Lara, his penises grow spikes. Yessiree, little spikey nodules come up from his penises (in the plural) WHILE THEY ARE IN HER, just like those spikes which emerge from the road in a James Bond movie and puncture the tyres. Except well, you’re not a tyre. By this point in the book my thighs are clamped together so hard the only thing that could pry them apart again is the sight of nekkid Gerard Butler. Dripped in chocolate. That’s how bad this book is.
And have I told you about the lustlings? Yeah, those. They’re little fairies that live in the Dark Lands and clean you up down under once you’ve done the nasty. Yes, there. I know this is a fantasy, but having flying insect like things around my coochy is not something I approve of. There are doctors for that you know.
So I guess this means Kol is the villain of this wondrous tale, and he’ll stop at nothing to keep Lara with him, obsessed with her as he is. Meanwhile, her husband (ok fine, I guess this is the hero) is trying to get her back. Lara’s eventually reunited with her family, but not before she gives in to her dark side while she’s with Kol. How dark you say? Kikkoman soy sauce that’s been mixed with tar kind of dark. Having sex with Kol while they watch his 6 mistresses being strangled to death kind of dark.
And when Lara finally gives birth to twin sons (really, 2 is the magic number), there’s a delightful thing known as the Completion Ceremony. Where Lara kneels before Kol, and coos “I thank you, my lord Kol, for permitting me to nurture your powerful seed within my unworthy body,” La Lola gracefully rises from her chaise lounge and with great dignity vomits into the nearest potted plant.
And did I mention how Kol displays his manhoods to his adoring public? By this, I mean “his great dominant rod sprang forth to enthusiastic clapping… He strutted about the dais, allowing them all a long look at his mighty rod.” By this time I decide, you know what, just go along for the ride Lola. Take this for the exercise in hilarity that it is clearly meant to be, because laughter is the medicine that cures all. Except if you have 2 penises then you’re pretty much screwed.
Where do I begin?
To tell the story of how great a love can be.
Not in this review.
Wendy said,
October 13, 2007 @ 2:15 am
*bug-eyed*
Digigirl said,
October 13, 2007 @ 2:52 am
Lol. Y’know, I started reading romance novels when I was about 12. And Bertrice Small was one of the first authors I read - a LOT! Nothing quite as outrageous as this one, but things that involved being deflowered with a wooden phallus prior to the “hero” entering the scene, and harem women being going around on all fours in the field with a fake mane and tail on them, so the sheik could choose which one to mount. If only my mother knew what I’d been reading!!
Great review. Almost makes me want to read the book just for the hilarity.
But not quite.
Gracieclay said,
October 13, 2007 @ 6:49 am
You know I was reading this review and thinking “You poor girl, having to read this….oh, poor La Lola…” and then I saw the one thing that wiped out my memory of the entire thing:
NEKKID GERARD BUTLER
We should just talk about that ALL THE TIME!!!
I feel a Gerry Bear marathon coming on…I’ll start with Phantom of The Opera then Dear Frankie, Phantom, 300, Phantom…..my weekend is set.
cutepolishgirl68 said,
October 13, 2007 @ 9:00 am
Can you say ouch-Did you really say spikes? The only spikes I want to see are on the weapons in 300! Is it just me or does 300 remind anyone else of the old Sinbad movies from the 70’s??
I think you need to set up a picture link of our dream heroes like Gerard Butler. I personally like Jason Statham. When we read a dismal book, we can gaze on our favorites and feel better!! Can we send photos through our comments?
BTW- potty training the 32 month old has been successfully completed- amazing how bribery with dum-dum lollipops works out!! I think I will reward myself………
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
October 13, 2007 @ 1:21 pm
“NEKKID GERARD BUTLER
We should just talk about that ALL THE TIME!!!”
I couldn’t agree more!
La Lola said,
October 13, 2007 @ 1:35 pm
*Lola lets Wendy huddle around her and pat her comfortingly.*
Thanks for all your commiseration ladies, but *deep breath* I am strong. I can go on. For the sake of this website, I will persevere and continue to read these books so that you don’t have to.
Digigirl, what was this book with the horsies? Please tell me so that *ahem* I will know to stay clear of it. Of course.
And Gracieclay, did you know that Gerry has acted in Attila?? Wearing a loin cloth! And Dracula 2000, as DRACULA!
CPG: congrats on the successful potty training. First stop: potty training. Next stop: the world. And great idea about loading pics. Since Mimi’s the IT goddess around here, we’ll have to check with her if it can be done.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
October 13, 2007 @ 1:48 pm
Don’t be fooled y’all. Secretly, Lola loves books like this. They are all hidden in one of her locked LV trunks in her closet. Yes Lola, Mimi and I have found them. Perhap you shouldn’t have labelled the trunk “Lola’s secret stash of guilty pleasures she can’t get enough of - sex with trees, dual penises, coloured penises, harps and other assorted wonderous goodies” and we wouldn’t have been so tempted to pick the lock.
La Lola said,
October 13, 2007 @ 2:00 pm
*GASP* Et tu, Brute? So you’re the one who’s been poking around my stuff! Boy, just wait until I booby trap my closet.
Gracieclay said,
October 14, 2007 @ 3:09 am
Oh yes I know about the wonder of Attila, and Dracula, hell I’ll even throw in Timeline, because really doesn’t he look like one of the professors you’d just want to do bad things to, er I mean with. Since it is a raining day here in the MidWest I shall add Dracula and Attila to the line up, but this is really going to cut in on my Phantom time.
And don’t worry about those guilty pleasures, makes me feel more normal now.
Now I’m going to go whip up some Dracula Daiquiries and Phantom Phillys, feel free to stop by.
Digigirl said,
October 16, 2007 @ 10:51 pm
I can’t remember exactly which book was the one with the “horse play” in it. I’m researching to see if I can identify exactly which one it was. Bertrice has a whole bunch of novels where the heroine gets captured / sold / goes to a harem, so it’s a little more difficult to pinpoint than it should be. I’ll let you know if I get it figured out! It might be one of the Skye O’Malley books, but I’m not sure about that.
Digigirl said,
October 17, 2007 @ 12:07 am
Okay - new information on the “horse play.” I think it was the book called “All the Sweet Tomorrows” which is apparently the second book in the Skye O’Malley series.
La Lola said,
October 17, 2007 @ 9:49 am
Eeks! I have heard that her heroines have an unfortunate tendency to wind up in harems. I think in the interests of my health, I’m going to stay far away from the Skye O’Malley series.
Michelle L. said,
October 26, 2007 @ 7:37 am
sex with TREES?! are you kidding?
I read the 1st book of Hetar because the synopsis sounded interesting and cannot remember a thing about the book now except I was confused and had a headache throughout most of the book and cannot for the life of me remember if I actually finished the blasted thing. Why, oh why, is this women still being published?
La Lola said,
October 26, 2007 @ 9:08 am
A question that we ask ourselves daily Michelle L. Welcome to our blog!
siren grey said,
August 27, 2009 @ 3:12 pm
ahahahaha!! this is soo funny! love it!
LadyCurvyA.K.APHR said,
October 31, 2009 @ 4:17 am
*totally freaked out!!*
… Loved the review as usual :p