Let’s get ready to rumble
“If You Deceive” by Kresley Cole
Bewarned. The clash of the titans is upon us. It’s King Kong v Godzilla, Hannibal v Clarice, Hulk Hogan v The Ultimate Warrior, Britney Spears v Hair extensions. And now, Ma’mselle Mimi v La Lola. Yes, you heard me. The onetime erstwhile good friends have found themselves on separate sides of the fence. On the side of the angels, there is La Lola. (Hello, I AM writing this after all). On the dark side, there is Ma’mselle Mimi.
What caused this rift in the formerly placid and love-filled offices of ripmybodice, you may ask? Where are the rainbows and stars and lucky charms that fly out of our butt at random intervals? The source of this Great Divide is “If You Deceive” by Kresley Cole. Doubtless, Mimi may follow up with an erroneous and completely biased review of the book, because that’s just the kind of evil thing that she would do. But I, La Lola, am always fair, objective and rational of thought, and will explain why I think that “If You Deceive” is an excellent book (and by extension, why Mimi is a poopy-head.)
Let me start by giving you the plot. This review is full of spoilers, as all of our reviews are, so bewarned. Ethan MacCarrick is the eldest brother of the MacCarrick brothers. In case you cannot tell, this therefore means that “If You Deceive” is the third book in the trilogy. But you can read this book even without having read the previous 2, so I guess this makes Kresley Cole a cut above the rest when it comes to managing her book contracts. And I know I shouldn’t have started with the third book first but what can I say, I began life the wrong way (ie feet first) after all, as my mama likes to tell me when she’s drunk and in a sharing mood.
Ethan is rich and titled and moody as hell. And this is before he’s disfigured. He used to be really handsome, but is tortured and scarred by the henchman of this nobleman whom he has offended. The nobleman, van Rowen, believed his skanky ho of a wife when she accused Ethan of rape. Ethan had actually been on the verge of sleeping with her, and changed his mind, leading aforementioned skanky ho to cry “rape.” My stomach is really turned by what is done to Ethan, particularly because it is so undeserved. And so my allegiance is firmly with Ethan, which means I am prepared to give him quite a bit of leeway for whatever he chooses to do to the van Rowens.
Being the practically feudal clan leader that he is, Ethan bankrupts van Rowen. The skanky ho wife then flees with her daughter to Paris, where she later abandons her daughter. The daughter in question is Madeleine, or Maddy as she will come to be known to Ethan. Their paths cross when Maddy comes to London to look for a rich husband. She’s spent her childhood in the slums of La Marais in Paris, as a peddler and a snatchthief. Her only way out of the unrelenting poverty is by marrying someone rich, which she makes clear to Ethan from the outset. Maddy doesn’t know that Ethan is responsible for what happened to her family. They meet at a masquerade, where Ethan has obscured his scar with a mask. And so Maddy does as all impassioned romance heroines do. She decides to sacrifice her virginity to the handsome, mysterious stranger since she will soon be locked in a loveless marriage.
Ethan realises who Maddy is after he sleeps with her, and decides that his final act of vengeance on the van Rowens can be carried out on Maddy. He quite cold-bloodedly decides to lie to her that he will marry her, when he only ever intends to make her his mistress and ruin her name. But first, he has to find her because she’s fled back to the slums of Paris. (Apparently the night in question when Maddy was relieved of the Big V left a lot to be desired).
When Ethan finds Maddy in Paris, that’s when the ice in Ethan’s heart starts to melt and the fun begins. Ethan slowly starts to admire Maddy. How could he not? She’s quick and clever and quite good of taking care of herself even amongst the rabble that she finds herself in. Ethan goes to the bar where Maddy is working, and silently fumes while she is made to wait on a bunch of lowlife, pinching thugs. When he eventually confronts Maddy outside the bar, Maddy is stunned that the scarred stranger is actually the man she slept with. She’s quite insulting to Ethan, but he finds that he likes the fact that she’s honest about his scars.
And he also finds that he can’t stand it when people mistreat or insult Maddy, even though he himself is prepared to do just that. When Maddy is propositioned by a criminal while she is with Ethan, he’s enraged and pulls out a gun. Maddy demands to know why he carries a gun on him and Ethan’s reply? “So when a criminal mistakes my woman for a whore, I can kill him.”
*kathunk* The sound of La Lola hitting the floor hard, and then glaring at Mimi from her supine position on the ground. Mimi! This. Book. Is. Awesome!
Ethan and Maddy start out as adversaries, deliberately prodding at each other’s weak points. But it eventually turns into more of a game of banter. Maddy will mock Ethan’s scar. And Ethan will jibe at Maddy for her poverty. But he starts to feel guilty for what he has cost Maddy. He’s furious when the shopgirls in the exclusive modiste he brings her to look down on her. There then follows a rather scorching scene in the modiste, where Ethan and Maddy explore each other to their mutual gratification amongst the clothes. There had better be an exchange policy in that place, is all I’m saying.
Ethan is still planning his revenge on Maddy though, because he can’t quite get over what her parents did to him. They eventually sail back to Scotland, where Maddy still thinks he plans to marry her. While onboard the ship, Ethan does that whole chicken dance thing where he goes “I don’t love her…I must keep her at arm’s length!” Also known as The Waltz of Denial. So he tells Maddy to stop bothering him and keep herself entertained during the day. But it’s really cute how the tables are turned, and Maddy finds plenty to keep her occupied, whereas Ethan longs for Maddy and follows her around the ship like a lost puppy. Oh Ethan! *gusty sigh followed by yet another accusatory side-long glare at Mimi*
Ethan also doesn’t like the way Maddy sleeps, which is in a defensive position, curled up in a ball. He wants her to sleep wrapped around him so that he can protect her even in sleep. *banshee cry as La Lola sinks to her knees and raises her arms to the heavens in supplication.* “Please God give me a scarred Highlander to call my very own!!”
Ethan does have a fall from grace though, when in a final bid to deny his feelings for Maddy, he attempts to sleep with 2 barmaids when they reach Scotland. He only turns back at the last minute (after they’ve stripped him of his pants). He then races back to the manor, to beg Maddy not to leave him. Now in this, I kind of concur with Ma’mselle Mimi. What sort of cabbage head should be forgiven after he tries to get it on with the village cycling team? And is dumb enough not to realize that lipstick marks are left on his body? Below his waist!! So good on Maddy for kicking him out of the room.
Ma’mselle Mimi thinks that Ethan wasn’t punished enough for his sins. But then, just when you think they are settling down to conjugal bliss, Maddy finds out that Ethan was responsible for her family’s downfall and returns to the slums of Paris. Ethan follows her, only to find that the slums have been struck down with cholera. Frantic, he tracks her down to the hovel where she has been taken to die.
And when Ethan sees her curled up in a ball in the filth, his only thought as he is running towards her, crying, is that she can’t have died in that position, without him there. *hysterical sobbing as La Lola puts down the book because she is so overwhelmed* And when he realizes she has miscarried their child, he’s devastated not by the thought that he will not have children, but because he knew she had to go through it all by herself!! Honestly Mimi, if you still think that Ethan is not the most darling man ever, then make haste to that granite quarry where you farmed your heart and return it!
But in the end, Ethan and Maddy go all smoochy smoochy, and live happily ever after. *sniffle* Now begins La Lola’s frantic search for the first 2 books in the series.
So yes, dear readers, I fully expect that a rejoinder and returning salvo will be fired by Ma’mselle Mimi. I admit, I am filled with trepidation, because Mimi has many cunning and painful tricks up her sleeve. How am I, a girl who’s decided to go as a Carebear for Halloween, to be a match for Mimi who watches shows about serial killers for fun? But to uphold Ethan and the reputation of this book, I will stand proud and declare that “I love Ethan and this book.”
Oh Mimi, say that our friendship is strong enough to weather this storm, and that we will one day promenade again through the neighbourhood, delighting young and old alike with our saucy banter.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
August 31, 2007 @ 11:12 am
*hides under her desk to watch Mimi’s reaction*
Wendy said,
August 31, 2007 @ 12:12 pm
I’m almost scared to say it, but I’m with La Lola on this one. The first book is really good too. I was bored by the second one.
La Lola said,
August 31, 2007 @ 12:17 pm
*shakes fist and shouts after Sheridan’s retreating shadow* Coward!
Ma'mselle Mimi said,
September 3, 2007 @ 5:25 pm
Non non non, ma cherie! Mimi LOVES the first half. Mimi RAVED about it, which was how you ended up reading it. But alas, Mimi was sorely disappointed that the second half didn’t quite live up to the first.
I demand alot from my heroes and unfortunately Ethan just didn’t measure up. GROVEL DAMN YOU! ON YOUR KNEES! Also, Maddy just keeps giving in so easily it’s irritating. Granted, there were sweet, poignant moments in the book, and nicely written dirty bits, it just didn’t make me cry. Which isn’t that hard really (I know, shocking, given my serial killer tendencies. Must be a side effect of too much blood in the eyes. Need to remember to buy goggles.) So… *reaches for stapler gun*
La Lola said,
September 3, 2007 @ 5:33 pm
He didn’t need to grovel! He had been hideously disfigured, his fiancee jumped off the castle ramparts so she wouldn’t have to marry him (dumb as a post!) and he lived under a curse his entire life! And he ran to Maddy CRYING when he thought she was dead of cholera! How do you not want to clasp him to you and tenderly stroke his tousled hair off his brow?? HOW????
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
September 3, 2007 @ 6:42 pm
LOLA! DUCK!!!! *waves frantically from office seeing Mimi pick up the stapler gun* Juan! Popcorn!
Ma'mselle Mimi said,
September 4, 2007 @ 9:10 am
He so needed to. He’d been disfigured coz he was thinking with his dingdong, he didn’t love his fiancee so it didn’t matter to him, and he didn’t believe in the curse so it’s not really like he lived under it. *polishes stapler gun with skirt hem* And instead of crying, he SHOULD have ripped his limbs off and offered it to her for his stupidity and lack of foresight. *checks reflection in shiny stapler gun* Tsk. My secret stash of alcohol will never be discovered because I’ve told Juan not to say anything when asked about the countless receipts from Bottles-R-Us scattered around. In any case, I’d rather hold Lachlain to my ample bouncy heaving chest. Now THAT’s a good book. *cocks stapler gun*
La Lola said,
September 4, 2007 @ 9:24 am
There is no excuse for what was done to him by that psychotic she-devil who lied that he raped her! And of course he believed in the curse! He practically had “I believe in the curse” tattooed on his forehead! Anyway he knew that the reason why Maddy lost the baby was because of him. The look of utter devastation on his face! *daintily wipes away at tears at the thought*
Plus I believe in the might of the pen, so your stapler gun doesn’t scare me!
Ma'mselle Mimi said,
September 5, 2007 @ 2:16 pm
To each her own. I still don’t think the book lives up to its potential, and while your pen may be mighty, it won’t change my opinion of the book. Sigh. Disappointing. *shakes head* Oh yea, forgot to mention. Made a stop at the hardware store. Bought new saws and a drill. *holds up new toys*
Jessica said,
September 22, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
Just finished rereading for the 20th time, so I had to see if you had written a review. I have to say, I do not feel that a long, drawn out grovel is necessary if the heroine is near death for a prolonged period of time, during which the hero is in absolute agony at the thought of losing her. LOVED the book. Great review. Kresley Cole needs to write FASTER!