“Shades of Twilight” by Linda Howard

Oh hi Sheridan Sakura Carlotta, still glum I see? Yes, I know, Juan’s absence has left a void in me too. Why are you glaring at me like that? Oh. Not that kind of void. Can I help it if you have a one-track mind? Anyway I have to tell you, remember how you got lost in the town of “Eww inappropriate much” and kept missing the exit? Well, can I just say I too have accidentally taken the wrong turn off Skanky Highway and have wound up in “I’m pretty sure this isn’t legal” land, where the natives do strange, strange things which are not only frowned upon by the Good Book, but I also believe happen to violate several codes (among other things).
 

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“The Bride” by Julie Garwood

SHE. Youngest daughter of Baron Jamison, unfortunate recipient of an entirely androgynous name, right hand (wo)man to her good for nothing slacker father, metaphorically compared to her feisty half-wild horse, beautiful (like her horse), adored by her trusty old stable hand / father-figure Beak, hand-picked by The Kincaid to be his bride, and sent trundling off to the Highlands, where clan Kincaid reside. One of the more tolerable of all of Julie Garwood’s heroines (i.e. we feel no compulsion to magically reach into the book and slap her until she sees little cartoon birdies flying around her head).

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“Almost Heaven” by Ms. Judith McNaught

We here at ripmybodice.com have had a trying time. Juan still hasn’t called and not only are we frantic with worry, our nails have been thusly un-manicured, our muscles, tensed and our tans, uneven. It has been a trying time indeed. While clearing out the storeroom in search of more whiskey, Lola and I found an unopened packing box filled with Romance novels we had yet to unpack into our Library of Love. We squealed with delight which drew the attention of Mimi who was at that time watching a documentary on mummification, which inevitably sent Lola and I running because mummy time for Mimi is private time and yeah alright, we are a little scared of her. Every cloud has a silver lining they say, and although we did not find any whiskey (DAMNIT!!) we did find Ms Judith McNaught’s classic, “Almost Heaven”.

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“Perfect Partners” by Jayne Ann Krentz

I love Jayne Ann Krentz’s older books. There’s a certain comforting familiarity to them. Just like watching a shark/ piranha/ octopus/squid movie and knowing that mixing marine life with nuclear waste is a surefire means of making sure that there aren’t going to be any repeat visitors to your town’s water carnival. Or wearing my favourite watermelon-print flannel pyjamas. Although I tried to read some of JAK’s later books, they never quite caught my attention. So if you want to read JAK at her best and are in the mood for some light romantic comedy, go pick up “Perfect Partners.”

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“Match Me If You Can” by Susan Elizabeth Phillips

At last we come to the penultimate book of Susan Elizabeth Phillips’ NFL series and it is about a man who has a special place in my heart, Heath Champion. Now think about it, how utterly fabulous would my name be after we are wed? Think about it! Mrs. Sheridan Sakura Carlotta-Champion. SSCC. Dudes. It’s so incredibly obnoxious, you gotta love it. Oh and that’s not the only reason why Heath is a man after my own heart and why I believe we are soul mates and if only he were true I’d be on the next flight to Chicago the windy city lurking around street corners ready to jump him unless of course in this alternate universe Matthew Farrell is also real then in which case sorry. Priorities. (Hee. Punctuation is my friend).

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1. Zsadist and Bella in “Lover Awakened“– When Bella went into her needing (that’s vampire speak for being in heat, minus the dogs), Zsadist, the mean and vicious warrior and light of La Lola’s life, had to service Bella to put her out of her misery. For SIXTEEN HOURS. And after that, he brought her turkey. Awwwww… The nights La Lola has cried herself to sleep, wishing that she was wrapped in Zsadist’s manly arms, munching on turkey.
 

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“Castles” by Julie Garwood

Amongst the three “pirate” book series written by Julie Garwood (the first two being “Guardian Angel” and “The Gift“), “Castles” is sadly the least memorable. And for all you out there who are not yet accustomed to our snark, that means it’s kinda boring. No really we can barely remember it other than it involved a) a princess; b) castles; c) some sort of sinister plot; d) some sort of “funny” bet between two old foggies; and e) the first ever male platform shoe read about in a Romance novel by Sheridan Sakura Carlotta. Oh and when we say “funny”, we don’t mean “hahahah! You’re so funny ohmygod I can’t breathe”, but more like “Oh hi Pappy Carlotta? How are you? You want to tell me a funny story? Sure! uhm…you did a what in your pants? And then you did what to it?! Oh. Heh. Hmm. That’s funny Pappy Carlotta. Real funn- NURSE!!” Yep. That kind of funny.

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“Suddenly You” by Lisa Kleypas
When you’re thirty and feeling blue,
Let La Lola tell you what to do.
Amanda Briars decided to hire
A male hooker, to quench her desire.

But in a strange, bizarre twist of fate,
The guy who appeared and she thought her date,
Was actually her soon-to-be boss—
Publisher, scoundrel (and gorgeous of course).
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“When Strangers Marry” by Lisa Kleypas

I really seem to be stuck in the town of “uhm…eeewww…inappropriate much?!” these last few days, which somewhat disturbs me because if this is going to be some sort of sign of all the books I’m going to be reading this month, I’m going to be more disturbed coming out of the end of June than before I went in. Don’t know if you guys know this, but there are like 30 days in June and judging by the way I seem to keep missing the exit out of the town of “uhm…eeewww…inappropriate much?!”, it looks like I’m going to soon be reading and reviewing books about inappropriate brother-sister love, monkey love, first-cousin love, *old people* love (like…with REALLY OLD people having hot sex) etc etc. You see where I’m going here? Yes. Not. Good.

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“After the Night” by Linda Howard

It is an understatement to say that Lola, Mimi and I had a rough week here at ripmybodice.com. Monday started off well enough, with us warding away the Monday blues by lying helplessly by our rooftop pool while Juan supplies us with an endless amount of frozen strawberry margs while rubbing lotion on our backs to prevent our delicate skins from burning but then, it all went rather terribly wrong by Wednesday when Juan declared that he had to attend to some “family emergency” and did not know when he would be back. Something about a half brother he needs to save from…alright I admit by this time none of us were paying any attention to Juan although he was wearing his usual Wednesday pink spandex shorts; time kind of stopped when he said “I must go away for little while”. Lola coped with her loss by hitting the bottle while watching a marathon of scary movies, Mimi coped with her loss by hitting the bottle while surfing the net to discover new ways of exterminating cockroaches from the face of the earth, and I locked myself in our in-house Library of Love to read “After the Night” by Linda Howard, sober. Oh alright alright! I had a drink in one hand as well. What? Oh fine. I was nursing a bottle of tequila too okay? You happy now?!

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