Party like it’s 1799
Top 5 reasons why we’d rather be living in a historical romance novel
1) The dresses and the jewellery. We heart tight, bodice fitting silk and brocade gowns with low square bouncy-booby showing necklines delicately trimmed with lace. Oh and we heart diamonds. And sapphires. And emeralds. And all other types of jewels that seem so readily and cheaply available back in those days. We heart being able to wear ball gowns and sparkling jewellery on our ears, neck, arm and in our hair without people pointing, laughing and sneering “you look like a friggin’ christmas tree.” Jealous bitches.
2) The stable boys. Young, hot, manly, tanned, broad shouldered, virile stable boys to.. umm.. serve us and see to our needs. Yum. And when we’re done playing dirty employee-employer and toss them aside, they miraculously become highly successful and infinitely richer and turn all their attention into dominating over us much to our delight.
3) Balconies. Yes somehow balconies in the historical Romance novel world are conduits for either (a) making out with a total stranger; (b) making out with your cynical/jaded/incredibly rich/dangerous soon-to-be (if not already) lover; (c) romantic dancing followed by making out; and/or (d) places where you can go to “get some air” from the ball only to be followed by the broody Hero of the book who will promptly make out with you. Alas in modern times, the balcony is either (a) a type of support for your bosom friends; or (b) a form of “balustraded or railed elevated platform projecting from the wall of a building.” SIGH.
4) The life. If ever there was a lifestyle more suited for us here at ripmybodice.com, it would be that of the historical Romance heroine aristocrat. Wake up past noon, get dressed with the help of your lady servant, have a spot of breakfast in the dining room, receive your suitors, sit prettily in a carriage while making a turn around the park, go home, romp with the stable boy, soak in an already drawn bath, don your gorgeous ballgown, go to the ball, get stared at by a dark broody mysterious stranger who is “negligently leaning” against a column, get out to the balcony for some air, get kissed senseless by said mysterious stranger, go home, head to bed and proceed to do it all over again? Goddamnit where is that bloody time machine?!
5) The staying “intact” before marriage thingy. No no, we’re not 3 prudish school marms here at ripmybodice.com, but we do enjoy the creativity when it comes to fooling around while maintaining virginity. The rubbing, the licking, the dry humping, the leather bounds, the velvet ties, on the top, from behind, sitting, standing, lying down, in the carriage, in the barn, by the river, on the lap, behind a screen, with their hands, their tongue, their bits.. oh my! Heroes in historical Romance novel world make the best lovers with their mind-blowing desire to tease and pleasure the heroine above all else while ensuring that milady does not fall into scandal. These heroes really know how to build up the sexual tension so that when it comes to doing the Deed, the ground shakes, the stars explode, pigs fly and hell freezes over.
Grace said,
June 28, 2007 @ 10:30 am
*sigh* I love how you girls think! Can I tag along in your time machine when you find it? Please? I’ll brink my own Vodka.
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
June 30, 2007 @ 8:22 pm
There’s always room for one more, especially one who comes bearing vodka! Welcome aboard the not-yet-but-soon-to-be-built time machine!
LadyCurvyA.K.APHR said,
January 12, 2010 @ 5:32 am
Hihihihi … LOVED it :p