Not. Enough. Vodka.
“Prince of Dreams” by Lisa Kleypas
You’d think by the amount of vodka we drink here at the ripmybodice.com HQ would entitle Lola, Mimi and I to some sort of honorary Russian citizenship. Or that at least one of us would take the time out of playing “who can reach the bottom of the vodka bottle first” to at least stop to wikipedia ourselves about the history, culture and all such relevant information on the most beloved vodka making country in the world. Sadly, I must report that our knowledge of mother Russia extends solely to (a) old James Bond movies (and all such other spy movies referencing Russia); and (b) Anastacia the cartoon. Oh that and the whole vodka thing. So when I picked up “Prince of Dreams”, I kinda was almost half expecting a talking buck tooth white bat to appear, along with Rasputin (”Ra-Ra-Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen, somethingsomethingsomething! Ra-Ra-Rasputin, somethingsomething…something…” oh well.) mid-way through the book but then again, I must confess, I was half-drunk quarter-way through the book, such be the only way to cope with said book. Why you ask? So much anger and bitterness, so little time.
Before I start my latest raniew, can I just say, I’m TIRED of reading bad books y’all. I really am. It really takes a lot of energy to hurl a book across the room, run towards it in heels and to stomp on it before calmly taking it back to where you were seated, only to have to repeat the above less than ten minutes later. It’s also hard to convey the depth of emotion (read: disdain, hatred, disgust, irritation, annoyance etc etc) I feel for “Prince of Dreams”. Granted yes, all who know and love me know that I am not a big fan of the Time Travel (i.e. a plot device used by authors to torment me) because seriously if you cannot establish that the hero and heroine are supposed to be soul mates in a singular lifetime, don’t bother giving yourself an easy way out by referencing a different time period. Of course dear readers, by “you” I mean, “you the author”. Just wanted to make that clear. In the “Prince of Dreams”, the Time Travel was used for a purpose known only to Lisa Kleypas and her editor.
You see, Nikolas Angelovsky is some blonde Russian Prince who has been exiled from mother Russia (insert here, long long ramblings about how much he misses Russia to the point of tears; the food, the women, the sights and smells blah blah blah troika!), who then finds his way to England (where he has more money than the king of England himself), and who pines after his cousin by marriage, Emma Stokehurst. Here’s the twist: Prince doesn’t know why his cousin appeals to him so other than the fact that he MUST have her as his own (and also how she reminds him of Russian women all tall and strong and whatever). He gets her, marries her, treats her essentially like a life-sized sex toy, sees a restored portrait of himself and gets TRANSPORTED BACK IN TIME. At this point of the book, I believe I had already drunk half a bottle of vodka.
Prince Tortured goes back in time to when he was his great grandfather who, as legend has it, is forced to take a bride and who does so by gathering up all the beauties of the land and choosing some village girl out of the crowd. So Prince I’m Home Mama! is conveniently plonked back into that particular point in time, and is forced to choose girl to take as bride. Guess who he chooses? An Emma look-a-like because he’s all “where is my wife? Where is my Emma? Where am I? What is going on?!” All EXCELLENT EXCELLENT questions your highness. A pity I cannot answer them because I AM TOO BUSY DRINKING MYSELF INTO PREMATURE BLINDNESS!!
So essentially, the Prince Now In The Past chooses Emma look-a-like because she looks like Emma Of The Future (and presumably is Emma because of the whole…reincarnation thing) and the Prince Of The Future is drawn to Emma because something in his soul wants her…because his soul remembers Emma Of The Past. Where, in this holy conundrum, does it say that the Prince wants Emma because she is like no other woman, a beauty, his other half, that her spirit and character attracts him like no other? Hmm? IT DOESN’T DOES IT?! Emma really should get some sort of intergalactic space time continuum award for being in the right place at the right time all the freaking time. In fact, I’ll make one right now! *rips pages of books, while humming “Ra Ra Rasputin”, and proceeds to construct the intergalactic space time continuum award* TA DA! *holds up a huge ball of paper*.
On top of all this, because y’all know I try to give Time Travel a chance but does it give me a chance? NOOoOoo… But I digress. On top of all this, you have Prince Nikolas being a royal ass-wipe. At first, he’s all “marry me! Marry me Emma and I’ll treat you good; you will want for nothing” then the minute she marries him, he’s all “don’t touch me, don’t talk to me” unless I’m knighting you with my royal Russian manhood. And even then he’s a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of guy. Fabulous. A prince among men this one. Except you know, he really is “a prince among men”. Whatever I digress. As if to slap me around further going “nyahahahaha!”, Lisa Kleypas adds a menagerie of animals to the mix. No really. Emma and animals are like BFFs so she is always running around taking care of Manchu (the tiger), Whateverpanzee (the chimpanzee), Whateverog (the dog), and whatever other bloody animals she has in her private zoo. You know, only few can get away with owning their very own private menagerie, and even Michael Jackson himself barely scrapes through by the hair on his chinny chin chin. But we’re supposed to be alright with that because she’s “English” and her husband is rich enough to indulge her need to care for animals that are in pain, or are hurt or are suffering. Insert here, similarities between her husband and a tiger. Metaphors only work my dear Lisa, if they are not mentioned more than once throughout the book. When mentioned more than once, it’s like having a two ton ACMA ball fall on you with the words METAPHOR emblazoned on it with diamonds circa Wile E Coyote.
Dear Lisa Kleypas — Pursuant to my press conference held earlier this year to announce that you are to be the month’s “writer of the month or until I finish all her books” author, YOU HAVE GIVEN ME SERIOUS DOUBTS SINCE THEN! Don’t make me regret the press conference. Calling everyone back to retract the statement is very costly and I’ve been eyeing a new pair of shoes — Still your fan but not for long if your next book sucks ass, Sheridan Sakura Carlotta.
Marg said,
June 22, 2007 @ 4:11 am
This is by far the worst Lisa Kleypas book I have ever read!
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta said,
June 22, 2007 @ 8:56 am
Oh Marg, my liver thanks you for agreeing with us.
jenny said,
November 4, 2008 @ 5:13 pm
*duck behind the desk pop my head out and shout out loud* I like this book!but I agree with you SSC wtf with all that time travelling sh*t???? the story would have been better minus this crap. If I were you i’d bannish ALL novels dealing with time travels whoever writes them. if you just see the words TIME and TRAVEL don’t waste your time just toss the book aside (advice from a reader who has read LOADS of sh*itty time travelling romance novels)