Dearest Juan
“Untamed” by Elizabeth Lowell
Dearest Juan,
Thank you for finally getting in touch with us! We received your postcard of Stockholm in the mail yesterday - the one that said “My cabana boy went to Sweden and all I got was this crummy postcard”. Sheridan Sakura Carlotta squealed with joy at the sight of your masculine yet elegant handwriting. La Lola nearly passed out at the lingering scent of Banana Boat suntan oil on the postcard left by your hands. I ran into my room, made a small sacrifice at my Altar of Love and thanked the Romance Gods that you were safe. We are all praying for you and hoping that you will be able to help your half-brother Sven escape from building coffee tables in the factories of Ikea and come home to us soon. Oh Juan! It has been so rough without you! My nails are chipped and my shoulders are unnaturally bunched without you here to do your thang. What’s more, the alcohol we have at the office is near depleted! My only solace, apart from practicing my newly acquired mummifying skills, was this pretty good book I just finished - “Untamed” by Elizabeth Lowell.
Set in the medieval ages, with all them knights and herb and rushes carpeting, Untamed tells the story of a young Saxon woman, Lady Margaret, born of the mystical Celtic Glendruid line (which produces gardening “infertile” witches with graduate degrees in alternative medicine) who was to be wed to a Norman hero, Dominic le Sabre, as a reward from the King for his ability to ..er.. wield his sword. It can only bode well when the Hero’s name is le Sabre, the Sword. There was much in the book on the subject of.. umm.. sword play and.. er.. sheathing of swords. My favourite subjects.
Actually Juan, the Hero reminds me a lot of you: Dominic is big and brawny with a tortured and painful past just like you. I know I shouldn’t bring it up, but it’s not your fault your father liked to tend to his cacti in the garden wearing women’s lingerie every time you brought friends over from school. I know that it is because of all the wedgies back then that you only wear thong underwear now.
Okay okay, I’m sorry, back to Dominic. Unlike you, he has a lot of chest hair (I know we made you shave yours. We like the clean feel when we rub oil on you.), wears a lot of chain mail and has a falcon fetish. Oh yes, the Falcon Fetish. Dominic has 2 goals in life really: Goal #1 is to have some prime real estate and Goal #2 is to have a son. Pfft. Boys.
Because of the mythical/magical, kind of Wiccan feel in the book, lots of animals are featured. By lots, I mean falcons, horses, a cat and a wolf that is not really a wolf. The Glendruid Wolf is a near-mythical creature in the form of a man, who will bring sons to a Glendruid woman. Glendruid women carry with them an interesting curse; if raped by their husband, his lands and vassals will suffer; if pleasured greatly, they will bear daughters; but if the husband wants a son, then there must be love between him and his Glendruid wife. Sure, perpetuate male chauvinism. For years and years no son was born to Glendruid women, and the only one to break this curse will be the Glendruid Wolf. No prizes in guessing the ending.
So Lady Margaret, or Meggie, betrayed her father and Duncan, this dude she was previously betrothed to, in their plans to thwart her wedding and married Dominic to prevent a war. There was no love between them then. No sweet love like what you and I share, Juan. The pair instead develop a very strange falcon/falcon trainer relationship, hence the Falcon Fetish. There was a lot of sexual tension and rather interesting foreplay. Oh yes, er.. when you’re back Juan, I want to try something new. Umm.. I heard being fed by hand and drinking from another’s mouth is the fashionable way to eat. We’ll talk more when you’re home.
Dominic half believes, half doesn’t believe the whole Glendruid woman popping girl babies only curse, and is on the one hand frustrated that he can’t achieve Goal #2 in his life and yet on the other hand suspicious that Meggie may have slept with Duncan and may be “quickening” with his child. I get the impression Dominic thinks the child will be a love child and hence a boy. What I don’t get is the term “quicken”. It reminds me of yeast rising. Who comes up with these terms? Meggie feels she can never love Dominic (and hence cannot give him his male heir) if he doesn’t trust her. What I also don’t get is why Dominic, for all the intelligence that God.. or rather Elizabeth Lowell, had deemed worthy to bestow upon him, couldn’t have just engaged in some sword play with her and in sheathing his mighty weapon discover that Hey! She’s a brand new, never before used sword sheath! If my memory serves me right, there would be…a. .. umm.. bloody sign, but it’s been too long ago.. way too long ago for me to remember.
Dominic figures virginity out eventually and really pulls through in the end. My favourite part was when Dominic had to choose between his carved-in-stone Goals #1 & #2 or Meggie. If he chose Meggie, he would risk losing his land, his life and with that, any chance of an heir of course (I know we had that discussion before, Juan, and I’m telling you there weren’t any cryogenic sperm banks in 9th century AD and you don’t look anything like King Henry I). But I shan’t elaborate or go into more detail and spoil the whole story in case you plan on reading it when you get back.
This book saw me through the dark and lonely nights without you Juan, although the use of medieval-ish talk and style was rather overdone: you should only use “God’s teeth” or “God’s blood” that many times in a book, and the Misunderstanding is rather superficial, repetitive and let’s face it, kind of annoying. Still, while pretty slow at first, Untamed picks up enough for me skip dinner to read instead. I also skipped happy hour with La Lola and Sheridan Sakura Carlotta too because of the many poignant Kleenax moments towards the end of the book, and you know that’s rarely done!
Oh Juan! Come back! We miss you to no end! If you’re not back soon we may have to join the AA or take month long breaks to spa resorts and our dear readers will revolt and intercept our alcohol delivery man. See you soon Juan!
Much love & many kisses,
Ma’mselle Mimi
xoxo
P.S: Bring Sven back with you please.