“Dream Lover” by Virginia Henley
Virginia Henley’s “Dream Lover” opens with “As the perfectly formed, timeless shape of the rounded head emerged, still glistening with wetness, Emerald couldn’t take her eyes from it. Then came the rest of it, hard, silky and cylindrical in shape… Emerald could not resist the temptation to touch him for another moment. As she reached out and gently slid her fingers down his glistening skin, just under the head, without warning he sprayed her face. The warm, salty taste was so familiar, it delighted her. With one hand still holding tightly, she hoisted up her shift and lifted her body on top, straddling him with her bare legs.”

La Lola is a bit surprised that the book has started off with our couple doing the mattress rhumba so early on, but what do I know, it’s a Virginia Henley right? And yet, is it really our lovely heroine who is indulging herself with our sexy hero? By no means, dear readers. Kindly click on the little button below so that you can find out what it is that has gotten Emerald (i.e lovely heroine) so hot and bothered.

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“Natural Born Charmer” by Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Sheridan Sakura Carlotta (SSC): *taps swaroski crystal pink gable on table* I call to order our weekly ripmybodice.com board meeting. Order! Order! Or…damnit Lola! Enough with the party poppers and the whistle blowing! Why can’t you sit quietly for 5 minutes like Mimi? *looks at Mimi who is drawing a picture of a grinning severed head* Erm…Mimi?

Ma’mselle Mimi (Mimi): What?! I’m drawing a smiley face because I’m happy! JUAN’S BACK!

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Top 5 reasons why we’d rather be living in a historical romance novel

1) The dresses and the jewellery. We heart tight, bodice fitting silk and brocade gowns with low square bouncy-booby showing necklines delicately trimmed with lace. Oh and we heart diamonds. And sapphires. And emeralds. And all other types of jewels that seem so readily and cheaply available back in those days. We heart being able to wear ball gowns and sparkling jewellery on our ears, neck, arm and in our hair without people pointing, laughing and sneering “you look like a friggin’ christmas tree.” Jealous bitches.

2) The stable boys. Young, hot, manly, tanned, broad shouldered, virile stable boys to.. umm.. serve us and see to our needs. Yum. And when we’re done playing dirty employee-employer and toss them aside, they miraculously become highly successful and infinitely richer and turn all their attention into dominating over us much to our delight.
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“Lady Sophia’s Lover” by Lisa Kleypas

Fax Transmission No: 25062007
To: Ms Lisa Kleypas
From: Sheridan Sakura Carlotta
c/o The Pink Tower below the Rainbow
Sugar and Spice and All Things Nice
Penthouse Suite, Unicorns Reside Here with Hot Men.

Re: “Lady Sophia’s Lover”

Thank you for listening to my cries. I must say I despaired wondering whether holding the press conference was a bad idea. I consulted the stars, my psychic, my tea leaves and even got Mimi to do tarot card readings for me. Then I decided to go by faith and by faith I was renewed in my faith for you! Alright that didn’t make sense but girlfriend, if I could hug you right now, I would! Except I think you filed a restraining order once and though I’m not sure if it had expired yet, I think I had better not risk it.
 

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“Potent Pleasures” by Eloisa James
Charlotte is a painter and virtuous young lady
Who one day decides to do something shady.
She attends a Cyprians’ ball while wearing a wig
And when she meets Alexander, she doesn’t give a fig

About her virtue, and so it’s adios to Virginity
Because Alex is hot (and pretty close to divinity).
But that isn’t the end, oh no. Not quite,
As the couple meet again one fateful night.

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“Prince of Dreams” by Lisa Kleypas

You’d think by the amount of vodka we drink here at the ripmybodice.com HQ would entitle Lola, Mimi and I to some sort of honorary Russian citizenship. Or that at least one of us would take the time out of playing “who can reach the bottom of the vodka bottle first” to at least stop to wikipedia ourselves about the history, culture and all such relevant information on the most beloved vodka making country in the world. Sadly, I must report that our knowledge of mother Russia extends solely to (a) old James Bond movies (and all such other spy movies referencing Russia); and (b) Anastacia the cartoon. Oh that and the whole vodka thing. So when I picked up “Prince of Dreams”, I kinda was almost half expecting a talking buck tooth white bat to appear, along with Rasputin (”Ra-Ra-Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen, somethingsomethingsomething! Ra-Ra-Rasputin, somethingsomething…something…” oh well.) mid-way through the book but then again, I must confess, I was half-drunk quarter-way through the book, such be the only way to cope with said book. Why you ask? So much anger and bitterness, so little time.

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Ripmybodice.com’s list of top 5 heroes too stupid to put on his pants and get into ours:

1. Lord Alec Knight - Lord SAVE us from the mentally slow, perpetually horny and the interminably annoying. Lord Alec Knight “charms” us from the get-go by instantly deeming our heroine a street-walker, by virtue of the fact that she had fallen asleep on somebody’s doorstep, dressed like a ragamuffin, and is female. Then again, I suppose if you are ruled from the south since your brain is addled with alcohol (not that there is anything wrong with a little drink here and there mind you), it is a common mistake to make. Charming rake he is not this Alec Knight, no matter how hard Gaelen Foley tries to convince us otherwise. And NOTHING gets our goat more than a fake rake (for our new readers out there, welcome! and also, we don’t actually have a goat. We don’t keep animals on the premises anymore thanks to Lola’s great “experiment” of 05. I don’t think Mimi and I truly ever recovered from that).

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“Untamed” by Elizabeth Lowell

Dearest Juan,

Thank you for finally getting in touch with us! We received your postcard of Stockholm in the mail yesterday - the one that said “My cabana boy went to Sweden and all I got was this crummy postcard”. Sheridan Sakura Carlotta squealed with joy at the sight of your masculine yet elegant handwriting. La Lola nearly passed out at the lingering scent of Banana Boat suntan oil on the postcard left by your hands. I ran into my room, made a small sacrifice at my Altar of Love and thanked the Romance Gods that you were safe. We are all praying for you and hoping that you will be able to help your half-brother Sven escape from building coffee tables in the factories of Ikea and come home to us soon. Oh Juan! It has been so rough without you! My nails are chipped and my shoulders are unnaturally bunched without you here to do your thang. What’s more, the alcohol we have at the office is near depleted! My only solace, apart from practicing my newly acquired mummifying skills, was this pretty good book I just finished - “Untamed” by Elizabeth Lowell.

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“Patience” by Lisa Valdez
Dear Ms Valdez,

Congratulate yourself. This is the first time we here at ripmybodice have ever written something about a book which hasn’t even been published yet. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t look away. It’s about a little something called “Patience,” and how La Lola no longer has any?
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“The Devil’s Love” by Julia London

From the e-notebook of Sheridan Sakura Carlotta:

* Must remember NOT to traverse into Lola’s office again without Mimi lest Lola holds me hostage again.
* Must schedule appointment with psychiatrist for Lola who seems to rather like the town of “uhmm…eewwww inappropriate much?“. A town apparently Lola wouldn’t mind taking up residency in since her last review has put her one step closer to being bestowed the keys to the town. Must confer also with Mimi about the plan going forward because if Lola takes up said residency and starts talking/writing/rhyming about MORE such inappropriate books, ripmybodice.com’s annual budget will not be sufficient to buy enough alcohol for self, never mind the purchase of a new liver.
* Must write/post new review about book I read over the weekend “The Devil’s Love” by Julia London. Admit that am scared to write/post for fear that it will undoubtedly escalate into a raniew (i.e. a rant review (see our Gaelen Foley reviews for precedent)) and Lola is in a uhm…delicate state as it is (Lola recommended that I read the book) what with Juan gone and her sudden interest in her first cousin Herbert. Blergh.

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