The sap of life
“The Conqueror” by Brenda Joyce
Just the other day, I was happily sipping on a pina colada and lazing by the pool watching Juan play twister by himself when it hit me, that out of all the reviews we have done, none of them have been of books which are truly bodice-rippers. Now, we here at ripmybodice stand proud and like to think we fly the flag high for books which take political correctness, and gently but firmly punt it over the border into Mexico. We read romances for the sheer escapism of the fantasy. Everytime we turn on the television, real life’s depressing enough. The war, famine, American Idol. And so my rallying cry to you all is, embrace the forbidden! Celebrate the cheese!
Rolfe de Warenne is a Norman overlord, who has come to claim his Saxon lands. He and his men are in the middle of razing a village, when he spies Ceidre and runs her to ground on his warhorse and tries to ravish her, quicker than you can say “Holy God, this can’t be an Avon.” Rolfe knows what he wants, and that’s Ceidre. Unfortunately for him, Ceidre is the illegitimate half sister of his betrothed, Alice. Ceidre is also viewed with great suspicion by the villagers because they think she’s a witch. (Ceidre is cock-eyed i.e one of her eyes rolls around when she’s stressed). It’s really quite sweet though, because to Rolfe, Ceidre is beautiful, and he doesn’t care that she looks a bit like a medieval googly-eyed doll.
From the moment they meet, Rolfe is overwhelmed by lust, and really, he is one oversexed Labrador puppy. It’s a miracle that he manages to get any fighting done, since he spends half his time dreaming of having sex with Ceidre and the other half of the time trying to have sex with Ceidre. You would think this poses some problems to our intrepid hero when he tries to sit his horse, but maybe he can pretend it’s another pommel.
Ceidre is also trying to aid her half brothers in a plot to oust Rolfe from their lands, so she finds herself in a wee bit of a kerfuffle when she becomes attracted to him. Rolfe knows that he should distance himself from Ceidre, but how can he when he turns into a walking phallus everytime she comes near? He’s big and bold and brash (not just his phallus), and I guess I find his behaviour more acceptable in a medieval romance than it would be in a contemporary romance. There is something to be said for tycoons (God, there’s ALWAYS something to be said for tycoons, unless they’re a cross between Bill Gates and Donald Trump), but if you want a marauding warrior who will fling you over his shoulder and carry you off to ravish you into oblivion, dial 1800-ROLFE-IS-SEXY-TIME. Good fun guaranteed for all.
This book is so over the top, it’s in its own little whirling a-go-go stratosphere. But what fun! Poor Ceidre gets thrown into the dungeon, is given ten lashes by a whip, imprisoned, threatened with beheading, starved, comes down with fever twice, and nearly gets pushed out of a window by her jealous half-sister. Suddenly my hang nail doesn’t seem quite so bad. It’s actually Rolfe who orders her lashing, because he has to make an example of her after she conspires with her brothers to betray him. He’s sick at having to order it, and flinches and wants to kill someone while it’s taking place. Plus he scoops her up in his arms and cuddles her to his strong, manly chest. Ooh mama. Almost makes me want to consider getting ten lashes of my own, preferably at the hands of Rolfe’s whip.
In the meantime, Rolfe marries Ceidre’s sister. Surprise! He actually goes through with it! But he doesn’t bed her of course, because he only has eyes for Ceidre and her rolling one. Rolfe keeps a little pouch that Ceidre owns close to his heart, and sits at his throne gazing longingly at her over dinner, while she has to sit with the rest of the serfs. He spies on her while she’s frolicking in the forest, leading to one very, very peculiar scene where Rolfe decides to take his pleasure into his own hands (you know what I mean) while watching her. The entire time, Ceidre and her pinball eye are watching him in shock, fascination and desire. And once Rolfe is done, he WIPES HIS HAND ON A TREE. That’s it. I’m never climbing a tree again. I knew that wasn’t sap.
As I’m reading, I’m flipping the pages faster and faster, because I’m wondering what could Brenda Joyce possibly come up with to top everything that’s gone on so far? It’s like “Days of Our Medieval Lives.” Well, Rolfe decides that to keep Ceidre safe from beheading as a result of her treasonous activities, he will have to marry her off to another knight loyal to the king, so that she can’t be executed. Rolfe chooses Guy le Chante, his second in command. And if you were thinking that Rolfe comes to his senses and forbids the marriage from going through, you would be wrong! Surprise again! On the wedding night, Rolfe storms their bedchamber and demands to claim le droit du seigneur, which means as overlord of the land, he has the right to bed his vassal’s bride. Apparently in the Dark Ages, it was more like the dick will inherit the earth. Rolfe the Randy has sex with Ceidre on the floor, in the bed, against the wall, standing up, in so many other permutations it’s as hard to keep track of as Ceidre’s rolling eye. By this point, my own eyes are rolling to match Ceidre’s.
Guy doesn’t sleep with Ceidre because he thinks that she’s a witch, and he’s afraid that she’ll turn his pride and joy into a pickled cabbage. But Rolfe doesn’t know this, and so he spends his subsequent days in a rage of jealousy and longing for Ceidre. He even goes so far as to punish Guy on the training field so that Guy will be too tired to walk, much less bed Ceidre. My mouth is open in disbelief and dare I say it, a hint of admiration, at Brenda Joyce’s audacity at coming up with a hero so deliciously politically incorrect, he makes Howard Stern look like Kofi Annan.
When Ceidre is imprisoned in a dungeon while Rolfe is away on campaign and he comes back to discover it, he races to the dungeon to free her, and cries out in anguish when he sees the state she is in. He takes her into his own chambers and nurses her back to health, berating Guy for not being as concerned about Ceidre as Rolfe is. The guy’s obsessed with a capital O. Rolfe gives Ceidre orders that no one is to touch her, that she is his, that if a man touches her, he will slice off his hands with his sword, and if a man dares to bed her, he will kill him while she watches. I hope Hallmark is paying attention because this would be a guaranteed best-seller for next Valentine’s Day.
Through a misunderstanding, Rolfe believes that Ceidre has betrayed him and caused the deaths of his men. He locks her up in a tower, keeping her there as his personal plaything and refusing to believe her protestations of innocence. Naughty Rolfie. Bad Rolfie. Mama Lola loves you Rolfie. By the time he realises the error of his bumbling but yet, so manly ways, she’s pregnant and has fled his castle. Guy is dead and Alice banished to a convent for trying to push Ceidre out of a window like a watermelon on the sidewalk. The scene where Rolfe tears through the castle, screaming Ceidre’s name, looking for her is pretty damn good. It’s then that he realises that obsession has turned to love, that he cannot live without her, and that she is no longer just the sheath to his sword, the inkwell to his fountain pen, the popsicle to his stick. When they are reunited and he kneels before her begging for forgiveness, you want to raise your hands and go “Score one for cock-eyed girls everywhere!”
So if you’re in the mood for something other than your run of the mill, paint by numbers books by a certain publishing house which rhymes with “Devon”, you might want to pick up a copy of “The Conqueror.” But the rough and macho actions of Rolfe might be too much to handle for some. Anyway, don’t say eye didn’t warn you.
Wendy said,
June 21, 2007 @ 10:14 am
DAYUM! I want it!
Shalon said,
June 25, 2007 @ 12:43 pm
That was hilarious. Please keep those reviews coming. You were absolutely right about this book. It is one of my favorites.You should write your own bodiceripper. great review!!
La Lola said,
June 27, 2007 @ 5:37 pm
Thanks Shalon, I’m trying desperately to get Sheridan Sakura Carlotta and Ma’mselle Mimi to give this book a try. Can imagine that we’re going to be having a lot of medieval theme nights in the near future… Let the games begin!
Rasmey said,
September 3, 2007 @ 10:11 pm
I was recommended to this website and I must say it’s really worth a try. I laugh so hard at this review but I must say that with some other I cannot understand what you girls mean. Well that’s because I’ve come from a far end of the earth but I will learn. Just keep this good stuff up, ‘k?
Rasmey
Ma'mselle Mimi said,
September 4, 2007 @ 9:16 am
Welcome Rasmey. *hands Rasmey welcome gift of a margarita and pink glitter bookmark* If you don’t understand anything, just holler. We’d be happy to explain. With demonstrations by Juan. And Sven, if necessary.
La Lola said,
September 4, 2007 @ 9:19 am
Hey Rasmey! No worries if you can’t understand what we’re saying. Half the time, we can’t understand what the other is saying as well!
Wendy said,
January 18, 2008 @ 3:17 am
I finally got this one. WOW. It is certainly chock full of Old School Goodness. I think my Loretta Chase books are going to cringe away.
La Lola said,
January 18, 2008 @ 8:59 am
What did you think of it?
Wendy said,
January 18, 2008 @ 1:16 pm
Awesome! Almost, but just barely not too much awfullness for me to stand. Which is perfect.
bkgirl812 said,
April 8, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
This is actually my favorite book of all times. i’ve got a thing for alpha males! And i’m pretty much a sucker for anything by Mrs. Brenda Joyce.
La Lola said,
April 8, 2008 @ 5:38 pm
I keep trying to give Brenda Joyce the benefit of the doubt since she came up with this whopper of a bodiceripper. But her recent “Masters of Time” timetravel’s left me cold. So cold! So much so that I want Rolfe to hold me against his warm body and let us share body heat! Only then will I be complete. *whimper*