“Where Dreams Begin” by Lisa Kleypas

Now that Idol season has come to a close, there is a strange sense of bereavement here at our ripmybodice.com HQ. We now spend the many hours we would have spent discussing how many shots we took whenever we heard Randy Jackson say the word “dawg”, or how we think that Justin Timberlake look-a-like whatshisface shouldn’t have been voted off because he was really cute, or how the bald dude shouldn’t have been voted off either because we thoroughly enjoyed calling him NosPhilratu and then recoiling in fear whenever his unblinking eyes bored through us via the magic of television (i.e. all very important discussion topics here at ripmybodice.com HQ), pottering about our glittery corridors, wondering why there are so many hours in a day. La Lola and Ma’mselle Mimi seemed especially bereft upon the close of this season’s American Idol (methinks La Lola had a secret love-crush on Sanjaya but I cannot be sure) and thus, to cheer them up, I shall re-create the magic of Idol in this my review of Lisa Kleypas’ “Where Dreams Begin”, via the wonders of sock puppetry:
 

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“Eden Burning” by Elizabeth Lowell
Elizabeth Lowell is a force to be reckoned with, so I highly doubt that my little raniew is likely to make much difference to her popularity. La Lola’s is but one lone cry in the vast wilderness after all, destined to go unheard by a cruel, unfeeling world. (”What do you mean I’ve had too much to drink Sheridan Sakura Carlotta? You give me back that bottle of Jim Beam you hear!”) She is sadly amongst the ranks of those authors who shall not be named (Starts with “M” and rhymes with Becnaught) who have been lured to the dark side aka Romantic Suspense.
 

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“Lady of Desire” by Gaelen Foley
Enough was enough. After Sheridan Sakura Carlotta’s less than happy review of “Someone to Watch Over Me“ and La Lola’s agonizing read of “Outsider“, an emergency meeting was called to determine that we would turn our powers to good, and create positive karma in the ripmybodice universe by only posting good reviews (at least for a while). No more shrieks of rage and smashing of martini glasses against the wall. From now on, it’s fluffy bunnies and rainbows and lucky charms and chocolate Krispy Kremes.

Then the ripmybodice alarm went off. (It’s a bit like the batphone, except it’s diamante pink, in the shape of Hello Kitty and plays “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”) Hark! A troubled reader, who has read “Lady of Desire” by Gaelen Foley. Pull on your spandex and strap on your latex boots girls, it’s raniew time.

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1. Kayleigh from Meagan McKinney’s “My Wicked Enchantress” - Gimme a T, Gimme an S, Gimme a T, Gimme an L! What do you get? A pick pocket who also happens to be The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, yet manages to remain chaste on the streets. She flees from the hero, a rich, handsome duke who wants to make her his mistress and decides that her chances of survival are better in an alligator-infested swamp in the Louisiana bayou. And when the villain agrees to let her go in exchange for a diamond necklace that the hero gave her, she suddenly becomes Little Miss Brassy, and fastens it around her neck (it has one of those trick locks) and declares that she Shall Never Remove It, and one day when the hero realises that she never took it off, he will then realise how much she loved him. Yes Ravenna, diamonds are indeed a girl’s best friend, but not if your head gets lopped off and they get slipped off over your neck. On second thought, keep it on.

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“Someone to Watch Over Me” by Ms Judith McNaught

Dear ripmybodice readers, a very special treat. On account of the fact that the book I am about to review revolves around the heroine’s day job (a successful broadway actress (as opposed to her night job which is The Whiny, Naive Adultress/Mistress to Michael Valente or until she married him and thus becoming The Whiny Naive Former Adultress/Mistress to Michael Valente)), I have decided to review this book to the tune of “Someone to Watch Over Me” (the Ella Fitzgerald version).

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“The Conqueror” by Brenda Joyce
Just the other day, I was happily sipping on a pina colada and lazing by the pool watching Juan play twister by himself when it hit me, that out of all the reviews we have done, none of them have been of books which are truly bodice-rippers. Now, we here at ripmybodice stand proud and like to think we fly the flag high for books which take political correctness, and gently but firmly punt it over the border into Mexico. We read romances for the sheer escapism of the fantasy. Everytime we turn on the television, real life’s depressing enough. The war, famine, American Idol. And so my rallying cry to you all is, embrace the forbidden! Celebrate the cheese!
 

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“Lord of Fire” by Gaelen Foley

As the self-proclaimed daughter of Satan, a hero whose nickname is “Lucifer” sure gets my attention. Silver eyed Lucien Knight, twin brother of Damien Knight, half brother to the rest of the Knight kids, also known as Lucifer and Draco of the Grotto, and affectionately known as Ma’mselle Mimi’s Dirty Devil, is the highlight of the Knight Miscellany series for me. He is a man after my own heart. A man who was sent up from the underworld for (I am convinced) me and me alone (apart from Vishous of course). Lord Lucien is like a sleek wild black panther with a thorn in his foot that just wants to be cared for and stroked. And Ma’mselle Mimi always has a soft spot for wounded animals.

I have never been one to care much for the heroine in a romance novel, and for Gaelen Foley’s Lord of Fire I feel compelled to list the reasons why I, Ma’mselle Mimi and not Alice Montague, 21 year old daughter of a baron, sister to a dead soldier, doormat to his promiscuous wife, and nanny to their 3 year old boy, would make a better heroine for Lucien.

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“The Gift” by Julie Garwood

As the countdown to yummy Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean 3 has officially begun at our ripmybodice.com HQ (see La Lola’s review below), I have decided therefore to also review a pirate Romance novel, in tribute to Captain Jack and our mutual love for rum. I have decided to do this, dressed in me pirate gear (but alas me mateys, I had to leave out the eye patch as it was giving me a slight headache). While clomping down the corridors of ripmybodice.com with my fake wooden leg towards our in-house library of love (and thereby drawing dagger-like stares from Mimi who was at that point hacking into NASA or something (I clomped away very quickly lest she decide to set some of her pet killer bees on me)), I debated on which Romance pirate book I should share with you our dear ripmybodice.com readers. Staring at our pirates Romance section of the library, I decided it best to review the first book my fake hooked arm could reach. Dear readers and fellow lovers of the Romance genre I reach for you via my fake metal hooked arm, “The Gift” by Julie Garwood.

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“The Pirate Prince” by Gaelen Foley

In honour of Sir Johnny’s new movie, I thought it would be appropos to review “The Pirate Prince,” the first in Gaelen Foley’s Ascension troika. Lazar di Fiore was the crown prince of Ascension, before his family was brutally murdered by their arch rivals, the Monteverdi clan. Lazar had been presumed dead (a natural assumption to make considering he had been chased by assassins and flung into a sea full of hammerheads.) But defying the laws of nature and proving that only the good, beautiful and well-endowed survive, Lazar eventually makes his way back to Ascension, determined to seek revenge on the Monteverdis and reclaim his throne.

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“One Night of Sin” by Gaelen Foley

The Knight series is about a group of rakish, gorgeous, dangerous and successful half brother, spawned from the loins of Georgiana Knight (aka “The Hawkscliffe Harlot”). Each book in the series more eagerly anticipated than the last (with the exception of the two books about their sister whatsherface and her best friend, aka the best friend of whatsherface. Yes. Their books were that memorable), each providing a tantalizing view of Lord Alec Knight, the youngest of the Knight brothers, the rebel, the gorgeous rake, the hedonist playboy, the party animal, the charmer etc etc etc, building unbearable anticipation here at ripmybodice.com HQ till a fever pitch for his book. To sum, if I may, how I feel about this book in three words: BLEEEEEEEEEERGH!!!BLAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.!!!!! BLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARGH!!!. Yes my dear faithful readers of our website, it’s raniew time.

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