Monumental Manhoods
“Passion” by Lisa Valdez
La Lola the Surgeon-General’s warning: Do NOT read this book while on the bus, train, at school, at the doctor, at church (ESPECIALLY CHURCH), or in any other public area, unless you want to be caught tittering embarrassedly and suffer hot flashes.
Really, what is there to say about “Passion”? If I were one of those Looney Tune cartoons, picture me with my head cherry red and steam whistling out of my ears, as chirping rainbow Disney birds fly around my head. I honestly can’t give a review of the book and the characters because, who cares? You don’t read this book for the plot development and character arc my friend. (Unless you count the hero’s wahwoo as a character in itself. I don’t see why not, since it is certainly a scene stealer.)
So um, yeah, the plot in “Passion.” There’s a widow, at least, I’m pretty sure it’s a widow. I can’t remember. Umm…. And she meets this guy in a museum. Or it could be an antique store or something, when he saves her from a huge Oriental screen which is about to topple onto her. So what’s your first reaction when you are nearly crushed to death by a screen? Have sex behind it of course! With someone you have known for about 3 minutes (2 of which were spent rolling you out of the way to safety). Don’t you learn anything on the Discovery Channel?
Mark Randolph Hawkmore, Earl of Langley is Our Hero, who has more sex drive than half of the free world combined. If penises were engines, Hawkmore’s would be a souped up Lamborghini. If we were to measure potency, Hawkmore could sneeze on a woman and she would give birth to quintuplets. If we were to measure endurance, like the Energizer Bunny, Hawkmore can keep on going. If… well, you get the idea. Passion Elizabeth Dare is the virtuous widow in question, unsullied and pure as undriven snow. Although, after Hawkmore gets done with her, it’s fortunate she married once already and isn’t expected to wear white, s’all I’m saying.
So Hawkmore and Passion form an illicit liaison, and decide to meet every day at the museum/ antique shop, for a bit of afternoon delight behind the screen (And I don’t mean tea and cumpets. Oops, sorry, crumpets). Yes, suspend belief, Gentle Reader, as to how our lovers are able to engage in a myriad of sexual positions which are illegal in 39 states, while not making any noise at all, behind a silk screen. I think there’s some kind of magic sex bubble that they bought to surround themselves in, so that no one can hear them. Hmm… I need to get me one of those.
Eventually it transpires that Hawkmore is engaged to Passion’s cousin, and he cannot break off the engagement because his Evil Romance Novel Land Mother is being blackmailed, and in turn, has forced him to continue with the engagement. Poor Hawkmore and his penis, which along with the Great Wall of China, is another monument which can be seen from outer space. Hawkmore spends his days trying to figure out how to wriggle out of the engagement, and playing the naughty pretzel with Passion. By this time, they have graduated to Passion’s inner chamber. Her bedchamber, you gutter rats!
Someone should have named this book “Horny Hawkmore and the Incredible Adventures of His Captain Winky”, because, seriously, this dude’s appendage has a life of its own! And we’re treated to descriptions of how far Hawkmore can shoot The Source of Eternal Life, when he engages in competitions with his brother, Matthew. Classy. Although when I’m not blown (hurhur) away by the sex scenes, what I remember of the story is pretty sweet. Hawkmore eventually manages to shake off his unwanted engagement, and comes to terms with his indecent obsession with Passion. They live happily ever after, and breed like rabbits.
And the best news is, Matthew Morgan Hawkmore, aforementioned brother of Mark, and another specimen of Magnificent Manhood, gets his own book! Yay! With Patience Emmalina Dare, Passion’s younger sister. Hmmm… in other circumstances this would worry me, as I generally disapprove of people who go to family reunions to get dates (Bad for the gene pool). But since I have a feeling that Matthew’s book (from the brief, teasing excerpt) will be twice the hot, and thrice the sleaze, bring it on I say! Juan! Take the rest of the day off, you’re needed here!
Wendy said,
July 14, 2007 @ 1:29 am
i just read this and the following dialogue kept going through my head:
“Hey! You got porn in my romance!”
“You got romance in my porn!”
PHR said,
October 28, 2009 @ 5:04 am
LMAOOOOO!!!!!!! Good lord *speechless*
“Horny Hawkmore and the Incredible Adventures of His Captain Winky” ????????
“Poor Hawkmore and his penis, which along with the Great Wall of China, is another monument which can be seen from outer space.”
LORD!!!!! hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa
The book really kept me dazed quite a while, dunno if that’s supposed to be good or bad, even while attending my classes I was thinking about the book and …………
Your review is just OMFG funny!!!