“The Conquest” by Jude Deveraux

I was going to give the book a shot. I really did. But it doesn’t help that it sucks. And it doesn’t help when you’re halfway through the book (after thumbing it for three long and painful weeks — time which would have been better spent washing my hair), La Lola tells you it doesn’t get any better. But no, I had hopes. Sigh. Stupid stupid girl.

My first Jude Deveraux book, “Eternity”, was decent. Not kill-me-now fabulous, but very readable. With “The Conquest” however, it was kill-me-now KILL ME NOW. No really. If I had a sharp implement on my bedside table rather than… er.. battery operated device *ahem*, I would have done myself some physical pleasu… I mean pain. For me to have such a negative reaction to a romance novel is unheard of. Unlike my compatriots at ripmybodice, I will more often than not rave than rant. And I have never NEVER stopped reading a book halfway, no matter how tedious it got. But I guess there is a first for everything.

And so, today, ladies and gentlemen, we make history “Ma’mselle Mimi’s First Ranview“.

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“Prince Charming” by Gaelen Foley

So every little girl dreams of being a princess. It starts with those Disney cartoons, where you get to wear beautiful chiffon gowns and float about whilst everyone around you bursts into song (singing mice not included). And eventually good triumphs over evil, as everyone rides off into the technicolour sunset. Of course, what would a princess be without Prince Charming? Handsome and about as interesting as curdled milk, the princes basically stand as foils to the princesses, and ponce around gazing limpidly around them.

And then there’s Rafael di Fiore, Crown Prince to the Mediterranean Kingdom of Ascension. Rafael is mad, bad and dangerous to know. The bad boy of the royal family (He makes Prince Harry in his Nazi costume look like a Viennese choir boy), Rafael drinks, duels and womanizes away across the kingdom, sowing the proverbial royal oats, as it were. Rafe is so hot, La Lola was tempted to pounce on him like an Orca whale after a wounded seal.

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“Cutting Edge” by Linda Howard

Thanks to my undying love for “Paradise” (as so written by Ms Judith McNaught), I have and forever will have a preference for contemporary novels, set in the corporate world of business suits, glass offices and sexually, predatory, intelligent, Alpha Male men who wear business suits and sit in glass offices. It is therefore little wonder that I was introduced to “Cutting Edge” by Linda Howard, by La Lola (I *heart* you!), after my recent spate into the historicals (mainly, stable boys (Hi Ivan Tramore !) and secret agent Earls (Hi Caine!)). Although I must admit I was at first, a little apprehensive of reading the said book, having heard a brief summary of the plot by La Lola (as explained through the magic of sock puppetry (we have our own sock puppet stage at our ripmybodice HQ. Don’t ask)), which sounded a whole lot like “Double Standards” (also written by Ms Judith McNaught).

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“Guardian Angel” by Julie Garwood

INT.SHERIDAN SAKURA CARLOTTA’S OFFICE

(phone rings)

SHERIDAN: (chirpily) Ripmybodice.com HQ how can I help you? Oh hi La Lola! Yeah no I know. Yeah we totally have to get one of the men from 300 to work in our offices. Well yeah I know we should just get Gerard James Butler but honey he is mine and so therefore he cannot work for US. No I’m not delusional! I…I’m not drinking! It’s bloody 10am in the morning why would I be drinking?! *hides martini glass*

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1. Zsadist, from “Lover Awakened” by JR Ward– most feared and psychotic warrior vampire, the former blood slave is bitter and full of hate. Redeemed through love, but believing himself unworthy of it, his tender actions towards Bella betray his true feelings. Never has La Lola been so turned on by the thought of someone choosing, and then heating up the best bits of a turkey and bringing it to his woman. No, seriously.

2. Jason Fielding from “Once and Always” by Ms Judith McNaught– Tortured by his sadistic aunt while a child, the hero from one of Ms McNaught’s most underrated classics, when faced with the thought that he had lost his beloved through a tragic misunderstanding, fell apart in one of the most heart-wrenching scenes ever written by Ms Judith McNaught. O Jason, let me stroke your onyx panther!

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“Passion” by Lisa Valdez

La Lola the Surgeon-General’s warning: Do NOT read this book while on the bus, train, at school, at the doctor, at church (ESPECIALLY CHURCH), or in any other public area, unless you want to be caught tittering embarrassedly and suffer hot flashes.
Really, what is there to say about “Passion”? If I were one of those Looney Tune cartoons, picture me with my head cherry red and steam whistling out of my ears, as chirping rainbow Disney birds fly around my head. I honestly can’t give a review of the book and the characters because, who cares? You don’t read this book for the plot development and character arc my friend. (Unless you count the hero’s wahwoo as a character in itself. I don’t see why not, since it is certainly a scene stealer.)

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What Every Romance Hero Should Know

1. If you find yourself feeling incredibly possessive and have strong compulsions to murder/harm/maim/hurt any other man who is standing/looking/talking to a particular beauty who has captured your eye, don’t fight it (or him), she is the one for you.

2. If your family and hers have been in a blood feud for centuries but you find yourself suddenly unable to resist the beautiful only daughter of your enemy, ignore the ramblings of Grand-Auntie Rosa with the third eye. She is the one for you.

3. If you are a poor but hardworking and ambitious lad from the wrong side of town and she is the heiress with a dominating father and you find yourself attracted to her, do not think that she is beyond your grasp. Work hard and become the corporate raider you are born to be for she is the one for you.

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What Every Romance Heroine Should Know

1. If every man at a masquerade ball is dressed in costume except for one who happens to be incredibly good-looking, not in costume and who is negligently leaning against a pillar/wall looking incredibly bored, do not scoff at him. He is the one for you.

2. If you find yourself being swept off to the balcony and kissed in the dark by a dashing mysterious stranger, restrain the urge to slap him for taking liberties or from running away in shame. He is the one for you.

3. If your parents have arranged a loveless marriage for you and you are determined to have one last fling with a dashing, mysterious stranger (See point 2 above) and/or you wish to find a man for yourself (i.e. on your own terms), he will inevitably turn out to be your betrothed. He is the one for you.

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“Rebellious Desire” by Julie Garwood”

Once, not too very long ago (actually I believe it was a mere couple of days ago), La Lola and I were at our neighborhood second hand book store, scouring the shelves for either a forgotten classic, or an undiscovered gem, to tide us through the weekend. As we scanned through the shelves of the aisle we like to call “the aisle of lurve” (actually, I think it could just be me), conscious always of the pale scary lady glaring at us from her fortress like counter, I was suddenly overcome with a memory of a particular book, where the heroine is somewhat banished from her comfortable home, and is sent to live in some ruined castle at the edge of her very wealthy and titled aristocractic husband’s estate, until she submits to her will. I told La Lola of this and we proceeded to spend many agonizing minutes trying to figure out what book that was (although I have to say, we did conduct a very specific and scientific process of elimination in order to arrive at the possible author for the book and then finally, the title) . I shall spare you, my dear readers, from a transcript of our rather confusing albeit rather entertaining conversation that let us to remember the title of the book ”Rebellious Desire”, written by Julie Garwood.

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“When Angels Fall” by Meagan McKinney

So one day La Lola my Romance pimp comes bounding into my office to hand me a book she thought I would like. I loved. I loved everything about the book except the heroine, the heroine’s blind sister, the stupid village they lived in, and the heroine’s younger brother. What does that leave me you ask? The hero of course! Lord Ivan Tramore, the Eleventh Marquis of Powerscourt, once the handsome dark and brooding bastard stable-boy, now a handsome dark and brooding bastard no more powerful Marquis, hell-bent on making the heroine pay for the past. Yeah alright so she accidentally/intentionally slashed him across the face with her riding crop after some sort of incident that occurred after they were caught making out behind the stables. Methinks he took it a bit too far but you know, I have no problems with vengeful handsome possessive, dark and broody powerful heroes who are slightly psychotic. No problems at all. Now I know for a fact that this ain’t just me.
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