Doormat heroines and The Jerks who Step On Them
“Heartbreaker” by Diana Palmer
So I love Guilty Pleasures. I am an avid fan of the shark movie (unforgivably denigrated and ridiculed by Sheridan Sakura Carlotta, who fails to see that it is an indispensable footnote to cinematic history), MacDonald’s chocolate fudge sundaes (”extra fudge please you cheapskate git, this is chocolate, not fossil fuel.”) and Diana Palmer novels.
Diana Palmer is a romance author who’s been listed as one of the top ten romance writers in America. This is probably part of the same poll which featured “Outlander” (aka the albatross around Sheridan Sakura Carlotta’s neck) as the 2nd best romance novel of all time. She writes category romances, which are basically shorter novels. These are invariably set in Texas, which isn’t a problem for me (hey I love cowboys as much as the next girl). All her heroes are Alpha Jerks, which make their eventual grovel all the more satisfying.
But the hero in “Heartbreaker” really brings obnoxious to a whole new level. He’s J.D., a cattle rancher and millionaire, and the object of devotion of Tellie, who is the typical Diana Palmer heroine… young, plain and naive. But guilty pleasures are guilty pleasures for a reason. You always know what to expect. With shark movies, it means the protagonist (who’s usually some big-boobed marine biologist called Dr Honey Big-Tits) will have a hard time convincing the doubting citizens of some sea-side hamlet that yes, there really is a 78-foot prehistoric shark cruising the waters, looking to chomp on hapless swimmers as his own version of human sushi. (”But Dr Big-Tits, you can’t warn people about the giant prehistoric shark, we have a water festival coming up next week and it’ll scare away the tourists!”)
Where was I? Oh yes, so you always know what to expect from Diana Palmer’s books. Alpha Jerk hero who verbally abuses the heroine, who takes it like the doormat she is. She should just save the trouble and have “Home Sweet Home” stamped on her forehead. And the hero and heroine are usually step-brother/sister, or the girl was always treated as a daughter by the hero’s dad, thus leading the hero to resent her whilst simultaneously being in lust with her. Diana Palmer’s books would probably be Angelina Jolie’s nightmare what with her United Colours of Benetton ad family and all.
Again where was I? So at the start of the book, Tellie is 22 and JD is 29, and Tellie’s been in love with JD ever since he and his sister took her in after her parents died. She’s just graduated from college, and JD doesn’t bother showing up at her graduation ceremony because he thinks it’s a bore and he’d rather get it on with the hot daughter of one of his business cronies. But he lies to her and tells her he was there, just that she didn’t see him because the campus was so big and he couldn’t locate her. Evidently there aren’t any cell phones in Texas. And to make it up to her, he gives her a present. Tellie opens it, her pathetic little heart filled with gladness, only to realize that it’s a Mickey Mouse watch (I kid you not). JD’s secretary had been tasked to buy it, and thinking it was for one of JD’s blonde floozies, had intentionally bought a stupid present. JD gets upset at his secretary and yells at her for hurting Tellie’s feelings, but methinks this all could have been circumvented if the big doofus had bought Tellie a gift himself.
But all my sympathies for Tellie get chucked out the window when she says that she would love “a dead rat in a box if it came from JD.” As someone who is deathly and I mean DEATHLY afraid of rats (”An American Tale: Fievel Goes West” is my definition of horror), I just wanted to bitch slap her across the face. Hard. And then do it again.
Eventually, JD’s sister suffers a heart attack, and Tellie rushes over to let JD know. But she catches him with one of his supermodel lovers and before she can explain why she’s there, he starts yelling at her. This is ostensibly to cover up the fact that he feels great shame at the fact that Tellie has seen him in such a situation. Yeah right. And what does he yell at her? Some of the choice tidbits are:
“Get lost, I don’t need you hanging around me like a stray dog” and “You make me sick” and oooh let’s not forget “Who’d want an ugly little tomboy like you anyway?” Yes, truly sweet little nothings to make a woman’s heart stop. Of a heart attack.
If it was me, and some jackass in a Stetson bought me a mickey mouse watch and called me a stray dog, you’d be picking pieces of him off the ceiling for the next 34 years. But that’s just me. Power to Tellie for being a spineless dingbat with a brain smaller than a pea and not enough backbone to fill a thimble. Me, I’m off to re-read my BDB, where vampires may be alpha and literally suck your blood, but they don’t kick you in the face while they’re at it.
Cays said,
August 3, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
Diana knows we’re masochists, those of us who read her books and identify with her self-effacing non-heroines. But such a guilty pleasure (I think because she let’s us off the hook.) All of us readers can feel superior to her ingenues.
Thanks for helping me to laugh off Ms. Palmer’s effects.
La Lola said,
August 4, 2008 @ 12:03 pm
No worries Cays glad to have been of help! I think that DP’s books are so bad they’re good, but recently they’ve gotten to the point where they’re so bad, they’re BAD. Case in point: “Fearless,” her latest. It’s going to take me a LONG time to get over that one.
Lady of the Review said,
October 7, 2008 @ 5:22 am
I remember, many years ago, I LOVED Diana Palmer. This was back before I realized the difference between good Alpha men and complete asses. Her “heroes” are on the complete ass side of the hero spectrum. Now I can’t read them because every, single, solitary one of them is a wall-banger. I HATE them! Argh! But, maybe that’s just me.
La Lola said,
October 7, 2008 @ 9:10 am
“This was back before I realized the difference between good Alpha men and complete asses.” *taps chin thoughtfully* You might be right Lady L. I used to think that being alpha meant bossing the girl around and being all forceful. But I was also 13. Now, I realise that there’s a difference between an alpha and an alpha jerk. Although when DP writes some good ones, they’re pretty good in a “OMG I love to get myself all worked up and eat my own hair” kind of way. Sheridan and Mimi say I bring this on myself.