Babies and alcohol apparently go together
“Nobody’s Baby but Mine” by Susan Elizabeth Philips
I’m not quite sure how I feel about this book. I love the characters and there are some really brilliant laugh out loud moments that almost had me in tears but the plot…kinda leaves one feeling violated and wondering slightly whether you should be drinking or whether the author was drinking when she thought of the plot. At this point, let me take some time out because I have to say this:
Dear Ms Susan Elizabeth Philips,
Even though there is a 0.01% chance that you will be reading this blog of ours, I just want you to know that I love you. But please, if there is a remote chance that you were thinking of sending us advance reading copies, please don’ change your mind. *small voice* I heart you! I really do. But this…plot I just can’t get over it.
I’m sorry I love you please don’t punish us,
Sheridan Sakura Carlotta.
So the plot of the book goes like this. The girl is Dr. Jane Darlington who is a brilliant but lonely professor, achingly desperate to have a baby of her own to love. The boy, is Calvin Bonner (”the Bonner”), an NFL superstar who despite his looks, is really an intelligent and intellectual specimen of a man who unfortunately has no patience for stupidity so when confronted with stupid people, dumbs himself down, showcasing his “hillbilly roots”. And so we have the set up to the requisite Misunderstanding in most Romance novels for Dr. Jane on her birthday, confesses tearfully to her neighbor (who happens to be the Chicago Stars biggest groupie slut) that she wants a baby with somebody dumb and stupid (because apparently her IQ is so fantastical that she cannot risk having a baby with somebody remotely intelligent for fear that her baby would also be a genius and therefore teased as a freak by other children (yeah. I know. Commence the eye-rolling here.)) and at that moment, the Bonner happens to be giving an interview on ESPN or some sports channel like that, proudly displaying his said hillbilly roots. Slutty neighbor then says “I can get you to meet the Bonner! And you can have your baby!!” but of course, slutty neighbor groupie slut has an ulterior motive which the good doctor does not pick up on (hello? How HIGH is your IQ again?!).
Slutty groupie then tells the Bonner’s friends that she has found a fine prostitute/hooker/escort for the Bonner’s birthday (apparently his friends want to get him a girl since the Bonner has been feeling down and depressed lately about his impending retirement) and produces Dr. Jane, complete with a huge floppy pink bow around her neck. It’s all rather amusing, awkward and a little sweet when she tries to convince the Bonner that she really is a classy hooker and then it kinda ends there because they finally do the dirty and he’s really turned on and into it and he is getting her all hot and bothered and she decides, for some reason that it would be wrong of her to enjoy it so she decides to mutter some really awful comment like “are you going to take much longer?” and the Bonner crosses the finish line without her and throws her out of the house. I don’t understand it! I don’t understand the plot. This is an intelligent successful woman and she manages to snag an NFL superstar with some psychotic purpose of procuring his swimmy NFL sperm and tells herself that it would be wrong for her to enjoy the procurement process and…I yeah. Head hurts. Worse, she does it AGAIN when she realizes her first attempt was unsuccessful. She flies to wherever he is and appears at the door and he attacks her and she makes some snide-ass remark and then leaves. *smacks hand to forehead* there are no words.
Anyway, poor confused Calvin Bonner eventually overhears slutty groupie talking about the good doctor and finds out, to his horror, who she really is and worse, why she did it. He confronts her and marries her because he is a man with high moral values and principles and thus absolutely refuses to have his child born illegitimately. What a man. A man who however, is not above blackmail so orders his solicitor to weasel out any information he can about the doctor for leverage purposes. This of course, comes back to bite him in his taut behind.
Dr. girl and NFL boy get married and move into this monstrosity of a house previously owned by some sham TV evangelist that died in a plane crash and of course, start to fall in love for real (of course only after Calvin forgives Jane for what she hath done and Jane forgives him for “deceiving” her into thinking that he is stoopid (except… I don’t think he really did since he never told HER expressly that he was stupid she just came to that conclusion by herself. Maybe if I hit myself on the head with my hello kitty phone it wouldn’t hurt so much you think?).
There’s a pretty funny scene in the book however, where, because apparently the doctor and him have only ever did the naughty in the dark, she, in a leap of faith (because she’s so in love with him at this point) greets him at the top of the stairs dressed only in a robe which she takes off and starts walking down the stairs towards his stunned self. Except his brother Ethan is right behind him. Ethan the friendly town pastor. Hee. Horrified, she turns around, runs up the stairs, bends over to *pick up* the robe, realizing then the view she had just shown them and proceeds to lock herself in the room so she can die of mortification and horror in private. Funnier still is when Calvin comes in to try and soothe her now slightly hysterical self but really he is more concerned in getting her nekkid again since she hasn’t stopped clutching the robe to herself in abject horror. It’s pretty funny. Oh Oh! There is also another really funny scene involving Calvin’s favorite “lucky charms”. I chuckled out loud when I read that scene, much to the curiosity of onlookers who then started edging away from me. Sigh.
Yeah so anyway, of course Dr. Jane finds the fax sent by the weasel of a solicitor Calvin hired to dig up dirt and packs up and moves out of the house all upset and heartbroken, except she ends up with Calvin’s grandmother instead (whom she has also fallen in love with) who lives on Heartache Mountain (no. I do not kid). Calvin’s mother who is having issues with her husband is also there and the women engage in some sort of bonding session where they dance to Rod Stewart classics, garden, go for walks, cook etc. Calvin of course goes into a depressive state, swinging between depression, loneliness and raging jealousy as his NFL younger cocky replacement seems to be warmly welcomed on Heartache Mountain (i.e. a shotgun is not pulled on him).
Eventually of course, Dr. Jane forgives Calvin (did you really think she wouldn’t?) and they live happily ever after. Calvin also gets his own personal happy ending because he finally figures out what he wants to do with his life after football. Despite the eye-brow raising plot and pregnancy saga, I really do want to encourage you, dear readers, to read this book. It’s one of Susan Elizabeth Philip’s funniest. Just, leave your brain behind or at least, numb it with a good bottle of alcohol.
Tackle My Football said,
March 21, 2007 @ 8:13 pm
Wow!!! I am not normally an NFL fan, but on the strength of your review, I think I’m gonna check out the book! Thanks and keep up the good work!
kate said,
July 25, 2010 @ 7:48 am
I read this book a couple days ago, and couldnt agree more.
Good parts:
1. The middle, where the couple is all happy and Jane’s IQ and decision making is improved , is very funny.
2. The lucky charms scene is funny as most of the couple’s “happy” quarrels
3. Even the couple’s decision that the heroine should pretend to be totally awful at his family, making them wondering what happend with the IQ of their son is nice.
But the beginning and the ending, where she:
a) decides that a woman with her IQ will have an equally smart child and she needs to find a dumd sperm donor -although funny- is not even supported with science or even statistics!
b) tries to convince the hero that she is a brand new hooker, while deciding that she must be totally awfully to the “client” and obviously not on the right profession
c) everything everybody does after she discover about the Bonner’s secret plan to destroy her, is simply annoying. (Like deciding to live with his granny, and his mother in a trailer in the woods, not giving a damn about her job, encouraging people to point a gun at the hero for no specific reason…)
PS. Does somebody named Bonner really need a nickname like The Bomber?